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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To have sent my drunk mother home on the bus

144 replies

Epicfairy · 18/03/2021 20:39

My mother is a problem binge drinker. The situation causes me alot of stress and the only way I'm able to have a relationship with her is by having firm boundaries in place, I do not have her at my home around my children when she's in drink. I've reaffirmed that blanket rule many times and it's non negotiable.

She was due to visit this afternoon but by 5pm I hadn't heard from her so assumed she'd be drinking and put her out of my mind.

8pm comes when I'm getting the children ready for bed and she arrives at the door, as pissed as a fart, slurring her words and has what looks like a bruise on her face (commonplace unfortunately, she's always falling over because she can't handle her drink)

My two small children came running over excitedly as they love their grandmother and have been shielded from this side of her until now. They've never seen her like that before.

She's pleading her case to come in and swears blind she's not drunk anymore because 'she's had a lucozade'

Her voice is getting louder and she's making a scene.

I keep repeating that she's not coming in and has to leave because she's going to upset the children and DH who was on his way home after dropping DSC back.

She puts her hand on the door to stop me closing it and carries on asking to come in.

I warned her that if she doesn't get off the property and go home then she'll not be welcome here again full stop.

She finally relents and leaves to go and catch the bus home, fortunately I have a bus stop directly opposite my house which drops her off one block away from home.

My eldest who's only 3 and has autism has been inconsolable ever since as he doesn't understand why grandma was behaving strangely and didn't come in to see him.

WIBU to send her home in that state? I'm fucking sick of this, I can't change her but I can only protect my children.

OP posts:
mytrueaccount · 18/03/2021 20:42

You were quite right. Don't even try when they're drunk.

mytrueaccount · 18/03/2021 20:42

And our children always come first!

Eekay · 18/03/2021 20:44

I don't think you had any choice. That must have been really upsetting for you.

Brainwave89 · 18/03/2021 20:45

I am sorry this happened to you Flowers. I think you did the right thing.

Mrsbclinton · 18/03/2021 20:47

You have to put your kids first. Its so upsetting & confusing for young kids to see.

Epicfairy · 18/03/2021 20:48

I told her to phone me as soon as she got home so I don't lose sleep over it and she's turned her phone off, selfish cow.

OP posts:
Mrsbclinton · 18/03/2021 20:48

Also you have set clear boundaries for her. If shes been drinking she knows not to come around.

isitsafetocomeoutyet · 18/03/2021 20:50

You did the right thing. I'm so sorry. It sounds awful and I wish I had advice. Thanks

HollowTalk · 18/03/2021 20:50

You did the right thing. It would've ended in an argument if she came in and that would've been worse for the children.

Tal45 · 18/03/2021 20:52

You did the right thing but how awful to be put in that position. If you'd let her in she'd expect to be let in every time in that state, it's very important that you keep your boundaries. But how upsetting for you :-( xxx

peepholepringle · 18/03/2021 20:52

You did what was best, absolutely.
And it's great that you already have strong boundaries in place for when things like this could happen.
Thanks for you, it's not easy dealing with somebody that far gone on drink.

Umbivalent · 18/03/2021 20:52

YANBU. Very upsetting. You did the right thing - boundaries need to be boundaries.

Epicfairy · 18/03/2021 20:54

She knows she's not to come here if she's had so much as one drink, she chose to break that boundary and totally disrespect us in the process.

I'm livid with her but do want to know she got home safely as she's vulnerable in that state, yet she's purposely turned her phone off to prevent me being able to.

I don't need this shit at the minute Sad

OP posts:
CuthbertDibbleandGrubb · 18/03/2021 20:54

I feel sorry for anyone who was on the bus having to witness this.

You 100% did the right thing OP.

Mavedrai · 18/03/2021 20:54

My mother's also an alcoholic, and I would absolutely do the same if she showed up at my door, sloshed and begging to come in. It's important to put the children first and maintain your boundaries. Well done.

NovemberR · 18/03/2021 20:54

Don't lose sleep. She made her choice and you can't live people's lives for them.

Whatever happens to her tonight or in the future is not your fault.

She's an adult.

Theunamedcat · 18/03/2021 20:54

I would love to know who thinks your Unreasonable Hmm your not being Unreasonable pissed up granny is not welcome

Tangledtresses · 18/03/2021 20:55

Oh my very best friend had this shite in her life.,. You did the right thing don't regret it for one minute XX

WhiskyIrnBru · 18/03/2021 20:56
Flowers

I'm so sorry OP. That sounds like an awful situation.

You have done the right thing. Your children are a priority and I would most def not be having a drunk in their presence let alone their grandmother.

theMoJareajoke · 18/03/2021 20:56

Well done you- you stuck with your boundaries.

You need to be a little bit honest with your children.
Sometimes nanny has too much grown up drink and that means she can't visit us. Or something

Kids start to know when people are hiding stuff from them, it makes them uneasy. Giving them a reason that can be built on as they get older will make life easier in the long run.
They don't need full on graphic details but a little smidge of the sanitised truth may keep them safer that completely hiding it from them.

Spudbyanyothername · 18/03/2021 20:57

Yes it’s totally fine and you don’t know how it would have panned out if she came in but I’d bet your 3 year old would have been more upset.
Your blanket rule is most reasonable. I hope she apologises tomorrow.

thunderandbangs · 18/03/2021 20:58

You were 100 percent right, I would have done the same. Your number 1 priority is your kids, how it should be.

FusionChefGeoff · 18/03/2021 21:01

Sounds good to me.

Are you in contact with al Anon? They support friends and families of alcoholics and could be of great comfort.

If she's starting to push / break boundaries it could be her disease progressing so this is likely to get worse and the more help you can get the better.

You sound like a wonderful mum and your children won't know it but you're doing a very courageous thing for them.

Epicfairy · 18/03/2021 21:01

Thank you all, I'm glad the majority think I've done the right thing.

As stressful as it is having the worry of whether something will happen to her on the way home, I'm glad I kept my boundaries in place.

How dare she.

OP posts:
StatisticallyChallenged · 18/03/2021 21:03

My mother is very similar by the sounds of it - doesn't drink daily but a total binge drinker who cannot have a drink without getting pissed as a fart, at which point she turns in to an abusive arse.

We're NC now but I had the same rule as you, no drinking around my kid. I wouldn't have given her houseroom either.

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