To have sent my drunk mother home on the bus

[Epicfairy]

My mother is a problem binge drinker. The situation causes me alot of stress and the only way I'm able to have a relationship with her is by having firm boundaries in place, I do not have her at my home around my children when she's in drink. I've reaffirmed that blanket rule many times and it's non negotiable.

She was due to visit this afternoon but by 5pm I hadn't heard from her so assumed she'd be drinking and put her out of my mind.

8pm comes when I'm getting the children ready for bed and she arrives at the door, as pissed as a fart, slurring her words and has what looks like a bruise on her face (commonplace unfortunately, she's always falling over because she can't handle her drink)

My two small children came running over excitedly as they love their grandmother and have been shielded from this side of her until now. They've never seen her like that before.

She's pleading her case to come in and swears blind she's not drunk anymore because 'she's had a lucozade'

Her voice is getting louder and she's making a scene.

I keep repeating that she's not coming in and has to leave because she's going to upset the children and DH who was on his way home after dropping DSC back.

She puts her hand on the door to stop me closing it and carries on asking to come in.

I warned her that if she doesn't get off the property and go home then she'll not be welcome here again full stop.

She finally relents and leaves to go and catch the bus home, fortunately I have a bus stop directly opposite my house which drops her off one block away from home.

My eldest who's only 3 and has autism has been inconsolable ever since as he doesn't understand why grandma was behaving strangely and didn't come in to see him.

WIBU to send her home in that state? I'm fucking sick of this, I can't change her but I can only protect my children.

YANBU. A cab might have refused her and if she'd puked on the way you could have ended up with a fifty quid clean up fee.

My ex used to come home like that it's scary and confusing for children to see. You totally did the right thing.

YANBU as your kids were there.

If they weren't there you could've had her in while you called her a cab or something.

Don't know if anyone's mentioned it yet (forgive me for not RTFT yet) but have you considered installing a Ring Doorbell? That way you wouldn't have to open the door to your mum and could ascertain her 'condition' and have any 'discussion' over your phone with the door closed and (hopefully) out of earshot of the DC.

I think you did the right thing. Bus, taxi, uber, whatever. You were right to send her home.

@ShiteJobby

My mum is an alcoholic. I am an alcoholic. Its fucking shit. I make promises to people and the illness breaks them. Every promise I make I genuinely mean at the time. I never asked for this, by the time I realised I had a problem it was too late, it had hold of me. I am the least selfish person, I always put others first. Until I drink. It can turn me into the most horrible selfish person ever and it has made me consider suicide several times, because that is not me. I used to hate my mum for what she put us through, but now that I am going through this addiction every day i understand how it sneaks up on you. Please dont think she tries to hurt you.. I try to please my family every day but sometimes this I'll illness takes over your life and its fucking horrible. I have thought about killing myself several times because of it.. I used to judge addicts and I can honestly say I never ever ever thought I would be one yet here I stand. It's horrible. We don't mean to hurt anybody. Well, I don't. I would literally jump in front of a bus for my family but this addiction turns me into a selfish cunt who I hate.

Your post brought a lump to my throat. You are so honest. I have alcoholics in my family and it really is a brutal disease. And it is a disease; not something that can be cured in 5 minutes, or easily. For some people it’s is a daily battle. If it is what you want, I so hope you get the help you need to stop drinking. You are worth so much more than the person alcohol turns you into. I wish you luck, and love xx

@Epicfairy

Thank you all, I'm glad the majority think I've done the right thing.

As stressful as it is having the worry of whether something will happen to her on the way home, I'm glad I kept my boundaries in place.

How dare she.

I think you were right to send her home, but perhaps you could have got a taxi, for her safety and your piece of mind.

OP what would you have done with her while she waited for a taxi? How much more upset would she have caused your children in the waiting time? She makes her decisions and forced you to protect uour children from her.

I am sorry this happened to you

@ShiteJobby well done and keep going, you can beat it. Save the money you’d normally spend on it. I hope your getting professional help for it and will one day be well and happy.

OP you did the only thing you could do. Your DM is an alcoholic, your children don’t need to be around that. I’m not sure a taxi would take a drunk person right now? We’re in a pandemic, what if they vomit. Would she be open to seeking any kind of help so, so sad. Used to work with someone who was an alcoholic, went on for years, lost her very good job in the process. Her sons would have to leave their jobs to track her down and drive her home. She did eventually get help and went on to have a liver transplant and get her life back. It can be done, but only by them.

Hi.Sorry you have to live with this.I went NC with both my alcoholic parents once I had children as I couldn't trust them to stay sober around them and I had to protect my children.Really hard but also made life happier and easier.My Dad never even met my children and my mum was a nightmare around them.You did the right thing.

Shitejobby well done for attending aa. Have they stopped, are there online meetings? It's clear how much you love your son, and you know what you need to do. Take care.

Well done holding your boundaries. My late DM turned to alcohol after my dad died, and my late H was also an alcoholic. It's hard. You totally did the right thing.

I'd second NACOA and getting further support. There are many groups online, you will find one that suits you. I still attend my support group regularly 3 years on from my late husband being removed from our house by police. It's incredibly helpful.

Anyone thinking YABU clearly has never experienced life with an addict.

Awful for you but all you can do is be objective and risk assess the situation. I'm not sure I'd have sent her home by bus as she must be so vulnerable, would a taxi driver have taken her. You obviously can't have her around your children when she's drunk and that's non negotiable.
I used to be funded to teach a brain awareness session in schools and it was so sad how often children would relate the information to their parents or grandparents being drunk.

Once again thank you all I appreciate your kindness and advice. I'm glad I posted because had I not, I would have woken up doubting my decision today.

I'm looking into NACOA this morning.

She's had help in the form of counselling, an alcohol support worker, signposted to support groups and so on. Nothing ever worked because she still enjoys drinking. Only when she actually wants to stop would she stand a chance.

She's 67 next week and I don't believe she'll have too long left the way she is.

Its shit because when she's not drinking she would do anything for anybody, she has in the past moved heaven and earth to support me in times of need (when she's having a week off the booze)

Shitejobby I'm sorry to hear of your struggles, you sound in so much pain. I do admire your honesty and can appreciate how hard it must have been for you to write that.

Quite different but I grew up watching my mother smoke cigarettes, by the age of 13 I followed her example and started to smoke myself. I have a 10-15 per day habit now that I really struggle to kick, even though logically I know I need to stop for my children's sakes. The point I'm making (albeit probably not very well) is that I can understand why you've developed an addiction if you grew up around it.

I used to like the odd night out before I had children but I don't drink alcohol whatsoever now, I say I just don't enjoy the fuzzy head the next day but subconsciously I think I'm almost scared if alcohol because of what it's done to my mother so I avoid it completely.

Even so.. If I've had a shock, bad news or a particularly stressful day I do sometimes think "I could do with a wine" - so I can understand how hard it is to fight against that compulsion when you have an actual physical addiction to deal with.

Please don't harm yourself, I would much rather have my mother alive than dead.

I'm not sure I'd have sent her home by bus as she must be so vulnerable

The problem with this line of thinking is that it puts the onus on the other party (in this case the OP) to control risk. That is fundamentally an impossible task, and also makes it impossible to set boundaries. The only way the OP can set boundaries is by letting go of the idea that she can control what her mother does.

The only way the OP can set boundaries is by letting go of the idea that she can control what her mother does.

This is true and it's taken a long time for me to get to where I am now. For a long time I was stuck in the FOG, so to speak. I would spend my days fretting about her, trying to control her drinking and really grinding myself down.

@merrymouse

I'm not sure I'd have sent her home by bus as she must be so vulnerable

The problem with this line of thinking is that it puts the onus on the other party (in this case the OP) to control risk. That is fundamentally an impossible task, and also makes it impossible to set boundaries. The only way the OP can set boundaries is by letting go of the idea that she can control what her mother does.

100% this. And addicts don't change unless there are consequences for their actions. Sometimes those consequences are harsh. There's a reason why professional services tell parents that actually, it's OK to let their addicted child become homeless. However hard it is as a parent to watch that (and I have the profoundest respect for the people in my group who have managed to do this!).

OP, I totally get why you don't drink. I do, very moderately, but my DDs do not and probably never will.

Have you heard from her today op-does she usually remember things or not

Well she turned up again this morning, sober but in a foul mood. No prior notice. Didn't bother to ring ahead as she knew I wouldn't want to see her.

DH opened the door as he didn't know who it was, she said she'd come to collect something she left here last week (packet of cigarettes)

As soon as I went to the door with them she went to go off on a tangent at me "and I WASN'T drunk last night, you.."

I cut her off and said I'm not interested, take them, leave and stay away from us.

"Fuck off then" was her reply as she walked off.

No apology, nothing.

I've blocked her number now.

Fortunately the children weren't aware of her this time.

Gob smacked. At the very least I thought she'd apologise.

No contact begins now.

I'm so sorry, OP.

Have you got plenty of support, therapy, counselling?

I expect she's angry and embarrassed because the on-call warden at her housing complex will have approached her about me ringing in a welfare concern.

It's her own doing really isn't it.

Must remind myself "not my circus not my monkeys" going forward.

I didn't include this in my OP but I'm pregnant at the moment and have had problems and alot of worry, I have a viability scan on Monday to see whether everything is ok or not. She knows all of this and chooses to put all of this crap at my door regardless.

@ArabellaScott

I'm so sorry, OP.

Have you got plenty of support, therapy, counselling?

I have my DH, nobody else.

Haven't had counselling about her per se, but would probably benefit from having some.

Christ I'm so angry.

I can understand your anger.

Congrats on your pregnancy, please take extra care of yourself. Put yourself and your family first. I do think it might be good to seek professional help, this must be such a lot to deal with and you deserve compassion and support.

She knows all of this and chooses to put all of this crap at my door regardless.

That is the nature of addiction - if she could control what she did she wouldn’t be an addict.

However, you can limit the harm this does to you and your family, and I would guess that there is a non addict part of her brain that wants you to do this, even if it is very deeply buried when she is controlled by the addiction.

I understand it's an illness/disease and quitting would be one of the hardest things to do, but her being so cold and nasty when sober feels quite separate to that.

I know not to take anything personally when she's drunk, but she was sober today.