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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have sent my drunk mother home on the bus

144 replies

Epicfairy · 18/03/2021 20:39

My mother is a problem binge drinker. The situation causes me alot of stress and the only way I'm able to have a relationship with her is by having firm boundaries in place, I do not have her at my home around my children when she's in drink. I've reaffirmed that blanket rule many times and it's non negotiable.

She was due to visit this afternoon but by 5pm I hadn't heard from her so assumed she'd be drinking and put her out of my mind.

8pm comes when I'm getting the children ready for bed and she arrives at the door, as pissed as a fart, slurring her words and has what looks like a bruise on her face (commonplace unfortunately, she's always falling over because she can't handle her drink)

My two small children came running over excitedly as they love their grandmother and have been shielded from this side of her until now. They've never seen her like that before.

She's pleading her case to come in and swears blind she's not drunk anymore because 'she's had a lucozade'

Her voice is getting louder and she's making a scene.

I keep repeating that she's not coming in and has to leave because she's going to upset the children and DH who was on his way home after dropping DSC back.

She puts her hand on the door to stop me closing it and carries on asking to come in.

I warned her that if she doesn't get off the property and go home then she'll not be welcome here again full stop.

She finally relents and leaves to go and catch the bus home, fortunately I have a bus stop directly opposite my house which drops her off one block away from home.

My eldest who's only 3 and has autism has been inconsolable ever since as he doesn't understand why grandma was behaving strangely and didn't come in to see him.

WIBU to send her home in that state? I'm fucking sick of this, I can't change her but I can only protect my children.

OP posts:

Stellaris22 · 18/03/2021 21:42

I'm very sorry your having to deal with this and hope you manage to get some sleep. You absolutely did the right thing to protect your children, they are your priority and need to be protected.

As for the poster who has no parents like this so can't relate and would t do this, I don't understand why you felt the need to post that. It's not helpful.

Kattenzz · 18/03/2021 21:43

@Coconuttts

You did what was right for you. You sound like you hate her, to be honest. Personally, I have no parent with an alcohol problem, so maybe this is how it gets you in the end. I can't imagine doing this to my own mother, but then she's not a drunk.

What a dickish post.

Wellpark · 18/03/2021 21:44

I would not give her another thought. How dare she show up drunk and try and force her way in??!!No question in my mind that you did the right thing. Good for you for being strong!

Gilead · 18/03/2021 21:44

You know she’s done this in a deliver swipe back at you. She’s angry and gone somewhere for more drinking. She knows you’ll worry. Is it time to go NC for you as well as the children? She’s still having a major impact on their lives because tomorrow you’re going to be tired, stressed and in all likelihood irritable. That’s her still influencing your behaviour. She’s an adult, she’s made her choices, perhaps get some help to enable you to make yours?
💐

BMW6 · 18/03/2021 21:45

@Coconuttts

Sanctimonious fool

Coconuttts · 18/03/2021 21:45

21:41GreyhoundG1rl

No. Its an opinion. I think it's brutal to put your mum on a bus when she's pissed and vulnerable. I would have called a taxi. But what I'm saying is - I don't have this type of issue with my own mum so maybe I'd end up reacting like this if I did. OK? Good.

SionnachGlic · 18/03/2021 21:46

OP,

You sound like a great Mum to try & protect your children & a loving daughter concerned to know your Mum is safe...even when you are enraged & infuriated. I don't have any solution for you but I hope it gets better...or at least she apologises.

Coconuttts · 18/03/2021 21:47

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster

Epicfairy · 18/03/2021 21:47

@cerseii

I would have probably arranged Uber/taxi rather than bus but I definitely would have asked her to leave. Maybe tell your son that she wasn’t feeling well, and hopefully when she sees him next she’ll profusely apologise. Hell, when she sobers up tomorrow she should call him and say sorry for scaring him. Poor guy

I wish I had put her in an uber now, hindsight is a wonderful thing.

OP posts:

OverByYer · 18/03/2021 21:48

You did the right thing OP, you’ve set your boundaries and she breached them. I’m sorry that you’re now going to worry about your Mum but alcoholism is a selfish disease and you can only do so much to help her

Stellaris22 · 18/03/2021 21:49

It wasn't OPs fault though. Her mum got drunk even though they have well established boundaries and had discussions about this. If you've never had to deal with this and have nothing helpful to add, maybe don't respond?

You admit you have no experience of this, so how could you possibly relate to the stress and difficulty of the situation?

User57327259 · 18/03/2021 21:49

I dont have a parent with an alcohol problem either. What I do have is adult DC who is/are/were overly fond of alcohol. I used to be told that I was drunk (I was not). It was one hell of a life which I am glad I am no longer part of. I still worry that they are safe etc
I hope it is just as acceptable to walk away from drunk DC as it is to send this drunk mum home on a bus. A taxi would have been a better idea

isitsafetocomeoutyet · 18/03/2021 21:50

Jesus. Op ignore the empathy free poster

I would agree with a pp about going no contact. I also think she's switched off her phone/gone off somewhere else to worry you. She knows she's still affecting you. And I couldn't have that negative and vindictive influence in my life.

You did really well protecting your children. Maybe it's time to protect yourself too

OnSecondThoughts · 18/03/2021 21:52

I just wanted to say that I have the complete opposite impression to what Cocunutts said - it sounds to me like you LOVE your mother. If you didn't then you wouldn't care if she got home safely, and you wouldn't be feeling a false sense of guilt for not letting her in. However, you also love your children, and feel angry at your mother's drunkenness, which is perfectly understandable. Sometimes, doing the right thing (as I think you did) doesn't always mean doing the "nicest" thing.

Iceskatingfan · 18/03/2021 21:52

I definitely think you did the right thing turning her away but it must be so hard. Also agree with a PP you should be honest in an age appropriate way with your children about it. I would worry about my mum in that state on the bus but I can see that money for cans all the time would soon add up and driving her home might just prolong an argument. Would she allow you (when you’re getting on a bit better) to put an app on her phone that lets you track where she is? Might give you some peace of mind when she’s not answering. It’s a horrible illness.

C3SC · 18/03/2021 21:52

If you cut her out completely it might shock her into getting off the drink?

Iceskatingfan · 18/03/2021 21:53

Cabs not cans 🙄

C3SC · 18/03/2021 21:54

Let's not forget She is deliberately using your own care and concern as a weapon against you, I would stop expressing any concern and then she can't use it against you

thatsgotit · 18/03/2021 21:55

@Coconuttts

And you sound like you don't have an ounce of empathy.

FusionChefGeoff · 18/03/2021 21:56

There's tonnes of online support and zoom meetings if you wanted to check it out sooner

You can call them to get details of any meetings as it's quite fluid I don't think the website is 100% up to date:

0800 0086 811

Original poster

Epicfairy · 18/03/2021 21:56

Phones back on, she's just got home.

God knows where she went after leaving here as she only lives 15 minutes away by bus, I didn't ask.

I do tend to agree with those of you suggesting a taxi would have been a better option, it would have saved me the worry too.

Thank you to those who understand my predicament. It's an exhausting situation to be in.

Before having children I would've invited her in and put up with the drama but I can no longer allow her to trample over my boundaries now I have these to think about.

OP posts:

cerseii · 18/03/2021 21:58

You can pop round or contact the police for a welfare check if you’re worried.

This might sound nasty, but placing her on the bus might have shocked her into sorting herself out. If you held her hand all the way back, I could see some alcoholics continuing to drink to oblivion because they know you’re around to pick up the pieces.

Givemeabreak88 · 18/03/2021 21:59

I vote YABU for sending her on the bus rather than calling a cab

cerseii · 18/03/2021 22:00

Also sometimes Uber drivers/taxis refuse extremely drunk passengers (ie the risk of vomit in their vehicle) so it’s not a given that they would have accepted her

Original poster

Epicfairy · 18/03/2021 22:01

Crossed posts with the most recent replies, thank you all.

My children are 3 (pre verbal with autism) and almost 2, so they don't have much of an understanding yet. I told them nanna was being a bit silly so couldn't come in tonight but they will see her another time. I'll revise the version I tell them, in an age appropriate way, when needs be.

I like the idea of an app on her phone for peace of mind but unfortunately she only has a basic one for calls, no app store or capability for downloading anything.

I'll consider looking into al anon again for sure.

With regards to going no contact, I'm seriously considering it at this moment in time.

OP posts:

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