To have sent my drunk mother home on the bus

[Epicfairy]

My mother is a problem binge drinker. The situation causes me alot of stress and the only way I'm able to have a relationship with her is by having firm boundaries in place, I do not have her at my home around my children when she's in drink. I've reaffirmed that blanket rule many times and it's non negotiable.

She was due to visit this afternoon but by 5pm I hadn't heard from her so assumed she'd be drinking and put her out of my mind.

8pm comes when I'm getting the children ready for bed and she arrives at the door, as pissed as a fart, slurring her words and has what looks like a bruise on her face (commonplace unfortunately, she's always falling over because she can't handle her drink)

My two small children came running over excitedly as they love their grandmother and have been shielded from this side of her until now. They've never seen her like that before.

She's pleading her case to come in and swears blind she's not drunk anymore because 'she's had a lucozade'

Her voice is getting louder and she's making a scene.

I keep repeating that she's not coming in and has to leave because she's going to upset the children and DH who was on his way home after dropping DSC back.

She puts her hand on the door to stop me closing it and carries on asking to come in.

I warned her that if she doesn't get off the property and go home then she'll not be welcome here again full stop.

She finally relents and leaves to go and catch the bus home, fortunately I have a bus stop directly opposite my house which drops her off one block away from home.

My eldest who's only 3 and has autism has been inconsolable ever since as he doesn't understand why grandma was behaving strangely and didn't come in to see him.

WIBU to send her home in that state? I'm fucking sick of this, I can't change her but I can only protect my children.

DH thinks it's shame and that may be, but it's her shame to bare and she's no right coming here and trying to hector me.

Most decent folk, if embarrassed by their actions that have caused suffering to somebody else, would apologise.. or at the very least give them space.

My mother turns up here uninvited after causing a scene last night, gives me a load of attitude then tells me to fuck off, all because she wanted some cigarettes.

Despite knowing how stressed she made me last night she decides to come here this morning and cause some more.

I'm done with her for the foreseeable now. She's toxic to my mental health.

She's angry with you for making her own behaviour impossible to ignore OP. she came over to take that anger out on you and make it somehow Not Her Fault. All you can do is accept that that's what she's doing and mentally refuse to accept the blame yourself

@ContessaDiPulpo

She's angry with you for making her own behaviour impossible to ignore OP. she came over to take that anger out on you and make it somehow Not Her Fault. All you can do is accept that that's what she's doing and mentally refuse to accept the blame yourself

Yes, I think you're spot on there.

I do mentally refuse to take the blame myself, long gone are the days I would beat myself up about her choices.

@Epicfairy

DH thinks it's shame and that may be, but it's her shame to bare and she's no right coming here and trying to hector me.

Most decent folk, if embarrassed by their actions that have caused suffering to somebody else, would apologise.. or at the very least give them space.

My mother turns up here uninvited after causing a scene last night, gives me a load of attitude then tells me to fuck off, all because she wanted some cigarettes.

Despite knowing how stressed she made me last night she decides to come here this morning and cause some more.

I'm done with her for the foreseeable now. She's toxic to my mental health.

Even sober, unless she is confronting her addiction, she is prioritising it. Some functioning alcoholics will rarely be paralytically drunk but will still organise their lives around alcohol to the detriment of themselves and family members.

Having said that there are also plenty of toxic people who don’t suffer from addiction and toxic people who also have an addiction!

Sorry about this. It is the nature of addiction, but it does alsoseem to be difficult for people with addictions to take responsibility for their actions, nothing is ever their fault.
Try not to dwell on it, she won’t be, she’s now got a lovely excuse for getting pissed again. What helps you with stress? Could you carve out 5 or 10 minutes for some online meditation? I love Insight Timer, it’s free and they have some great, quick “ first aid “ meditations.

I’m an ex alchy. You must have been so upset. It’s really difficult but you did the right thing for Yourself and your children. Never going to be easy and it’s a terrible disease. Having your boundaries is what makes sense. You are valuable.

You behaved in the interest of your children, not at all unreasonable. It's very brave. I found I could not tolerate a relationship with an alcoholic parent. I turned away. I get judgement for it but I don't care, drunks don't care about anyone but themselves. You need strong maintained boundaries. Stick to yours, know when you've given too much of yourself. Best wishes

I've just had a phone call from the scheme manager of the supporting housing complex mum lives in, she had to get my contact details from the on-call woman I spoke to last night as mum has always refused to give her my details. No surprise there.

So anyway she said she's become increasingly concerned for mum's welfare herself with the drinking and copious amounts of injuries from falling over.

She's only there twice a week for a couple of hours at a time so isn't able to monitor the situation as much as she'd like to. The residents are wholly independent.

She's making a report to adult social services and depending on what they say and whether they get involved I should expect to be contacted by them at some point.

M

..meanwhile my aunt who has always tried to push me out and appointed herself mum's NOK has decided she can't be doing with it all anymore so I'm now the first point of contact whether I like it or not.

I think I will find the time to try some meditation today, god knows I need it. Whenever I de-stress (like after she left last night) then there's another curve ball, she turns up this morning, I block her number then get a call from her housing.

Nobody is considering me in any of this, I have so much going on myself.

I made it as far as the first sentence.

You prioritised your DC, she clearly didn't and may well never have done the same sort of thing to protect you as a child.

YADNBU

so I'm now the first point of contact whether I like it or not
if the aunt can refuse you can also refuse ....neither of you have a legal duty of care?

You prioritised your DC, she clearly didn't and may well never have done the same sort of thing to protect you as a child

One hundred percent. She failed to shield me from many things I should have never been around. I won't do that to my children.

@C3SC

so I'm now the first point of contact whether I like it or not if the aunt can refuse you can also refuse ....neither of you have a legal duty of care?

Wouldn't they just contact me regardless? I'll need to look into it. I can't be taking on any more stress at the moment and I don't want to be a part of any further interventions. I've been there done that and got the Tshirt. Nothing changes and I have no emotional bandwidth left to give.

Good idea to make time for yourself today, OP.

Hopefully SS will be able to find the help and support your mother needs.

You are not obliged to take on any of this. Don't let the guilt make you take that step. You're considering going NC with your mother - let that decision guide you and say no to NOK duties, no to any involvement in care. Your mother is an adult. Let her face some consequences. Focus on yourself and your own wellbeing.

Wouldn't they just contact me regardless
Be unavailable, be elusive, don't answer the phone, make like a herd of cats, be an eccentric person whose lifestyle means that being on call is just not feasible
You are free to choose whatever lifestyle you wish to have, after such a dreadful childhood you deserve to have things that you enjoy, that make You feel good💙💛💜💚🧡

Just say you're not available. They can't force you. Or just refer them back to your aunt. You're a mum. You're pregnant. You have so much to deal with already. Do not be afraid to put yourself and your children first.

I can hear the pain and exhaustion in your posts.

Take care of yourself. Some time out for yourself sounds good

Thank you all for the supportive messages.

As luck would have it both my DC went for a nap at the same time so I was able to have a soak in the bath whilst listening to some guided meditation. I feel better for it.

sorry to hear that op

you dont have to be her nok contact its not a mandatory thing you can simply say you cant help you have your own health to look after

dont take on anymore stress for her