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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have sent my drunk mother home on the bus

144 replies

Epicfairy · 18/03/2021 20:39

My mother is a problem binge drinker. The situation causes me alot of stress and the only way I'm able to have a relationship with her is by having firm boundaries in place, I do not have her at my home around my children when she's in drink. I've reaffirmed that blanket rule many times and it's non negotiable.

She was due to visit this afternoon but by 5pm I hadn't heard from her so assumed she'd be drinking and put her out of my mind.

8pm comes when I'm getting the children ready for bed and she arrives at the door, as pissed as a fart, slurring her words and has what looks like a bruise on her face (commonplace unfortunately, she's always falling over because she can't handle her drink)

My two small children came running over excitedly as they love their grandmother and have been shielded from this side of her until now. They've never seen her like that before.

She's pleading her case to come in and swears blind she's not drunk anymore because 'she's had a lucozade'

Her voice is getting louder and she's making a scene.

I keep repeating that she's not coming in and has to leave because she's going to upset the children and DH who was on his way home after dropping DSC back.

She puts her hand on the door to stop me closing it and carries on asking to come in.

I warned her that if she doesn't get off the property and go home then she'll not be welcome here again full stop.

She finally relents and leaves to go and catch the bus home, fortunately I have a bus stop directly opposite my house which drops her off one block away from home.

My eldest who's only 3 and has autism has been inconsolable ever since as he doesn't understand why grandma was behaving strangely and didn't come in to see him.

WIBU to send her home in that state? I'm fucking sick of this, I can't change her but I can only protect my children.

OP posts:
Original poster
Epicfairy · 18/03/2021 21:07

I'm not part of al-anon no, I joined a Facebook group purporting to be al-anon but didn't much like it. I'll consider reaching out to an official support group once lockdown ends.

H

OP posts:
thosetalesofunexpected · 18/03/2021 21:10

@Epicfairy

You did the right thing !
Drunk people often bring all sorts of dramas and chaos like a increasing Tornado or a whirl pool.!

Plus its very Confusing and unsettling as her mood swings /reflect the sheer instability of the drunk person.!

BrilliantBetty · 18/03/2021 21:12

You did the right thing.

Original poster
Epicfairy · 18/03/2021 21:13

My sympathies are with others here who have had their lives blighted by the same crap.

She's too far gone to change and has no desire to. I've reached a point of acceptance with regards to this being who she is now and I know I can't change her, I just hate the burden of worry for her safety because she's an absolute liability who can't keep herself safe.

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 18/03/2021 21:13

You did absolutely the right thing.

If you’d let her in this once, she’d have taken that as a green light to do it again and again.

picklemewalnuts · 18/03/2021 21:14

She needs to not come to your house anymore. It's not fair for her to upset the D.C.

Original poster
Epicfairy · 18/03/2021 21:14

Turning her phone off feels like a deliberate 'fuck you' as I specifically told her I wanted to make sure she'd got home safe.

She is selfish to the core.

OP posts:
Original poster
Epicfairy · 18/03/2021 21:15

@picklemewalnuts

She needs to not come to your house anymore. It's not fair for her to upset the D.C.
I feel the same way at the moment, I don't want to see her here anytime soon.
OP posts:
BaggoMcoys · 18/03/2021 21:15

Yanbu op. My mum used to be a daily drinker. I'd say she was a functioning alcoholic. Now she rarely drinks, but once in a while she will and I can't even bear speaking to her on the phone if I can tell she's had a drink. It makes me so angry. I wouldn't want her around my dd in that state either.

CoalHouseDoor · 18/03/2021 21:23

Another to say YADNBU.

It’s awful. I understand how you are feeling and it’s just sickening seeing a parent in that state.

Try and distract yourself until the morning and maybe send a short neutral text reminding her of the boundary agreement you had, saying you are disappointed that she upset the children and that you’d like to have no contact for (however long you need to get yourself back on track).

These are the times you need to be your own mum. FlowersBrew

partyatthepalace · 18/03/2021 21:24

Absolutely the right thing to do.

Original poster
Epicfairy · 18/03/2021 21:24

She lives in sheltered housing and each flat has a buzzer inside which the housing association on-call people can buzz through to if there are welfare concerns.

I've just come off the phone to them after asking them to give her flat a call so I know she's got in safe, they buzzed through and couldn't hear any activity in the flat at all. No TV on and nobody moving about.

I've lost count of the times she's ended up in hospital after falls or being found outside.

That's me not sleeping tonight Sad

OP posts:
EL8888 · 18/03/2021 21:26

You did the right thing. I have a number of family members with alcohol issues and l know it’s tough. Thinking of you xx

couchparsnip · 18/03/2021 21:27

You absolutely did the right thing to protect your kids.
My Grandad was an alcoholic and died when I was 9 but I clearly remember being very confused and scared whenever he was drunk. I used to leave the room and he would follow me, trying to get a hug. I was told to hug him even though he was disgusting and smelled awful. I hated him and my DM for making me. You're so brave not to put your.kids through that.

S111n20 · 18/03/2021 21:29

You did the right thing op. Hope your ok x

MeridianB · 18/03/2021 21:30

Aw, that’s really bloody hard but you definitely did the best thing all round.

Hope your little boy is calm now, bless him. Tell his Grandma wasn’t very well and needed to go home to bed.

I wish I had some great advice but mostly posted to offer a handhold. 💐

Coconuttts · 18/03/2021 21:30

You did what was right for you. You sound like you hate her, to be honest. Personally, I have no parent with an alcohol problem, so maybe this is how it gets you in the end. I can't imagine doing this to my own mother, but then she's not a drunk.

BMW6 · 18/03/2021 21:32

I'm so sorry OP, you did the right thing 100%. IF she has come to harm it is absolutely not your fault AT ALL.

Umbivalent · 18/03/2021 21:35

@Coconuttts

You did what was right for you. You sound like you hate her, to be honest. Personally, I have no parent with an alcohol problem, so maybe this is how it gets you in the end. I can't imagine doing this to my own mother, but then she's not a drunk.
Super input. Really helpful!
ArabellaScott · 18/03/2021 21:36

I'm so sorry, OP. That must be such a terribly hard situation to be in.

www.al-anonuk.org.uk/

Might be of use. Sending you all my best. Flowers

Original poster
Epicfairy · 18/03/2021 21:37

I don't hate her, I hate the alcoholism. If I didn't care about her I wouldn't be frantically trying to find out she's got home.

I cannot have a belligerent drunk in my home around my children, whoever it is.

OP posts:
GreyhoundG1rl · 18/03/2021 21:38

@Coconuttts

You did what was right for you. You sound like you hate her, to be honest. Personally, I have no parent with an alcohol problem, so maybe this is how it gets you in the end. I can't imagine doing this to my own mother, but then she's not a drunk.
Why would you feel the need to come on a thread like this to proclaim that you don't have this problem? It's extraordinarily peculiar, in case you hadn't realised.
Coconuttts · 18/03/2021 21:40

Why would you feel the need to come on a thread like this to proclaim that youdon'thave this problem? It's extraordinarily peculiar, in case you hadn't realised

Erm, because she asked for opinions. That's mine.

cerseii · 18/03/2021 21:40

I would have probably arranged Uber/taxi rather than bus but I definitely would have asked her to leave. Maybe tell your son that she wasn’t feeling well, and hopefully when she sees him next she’ll profusely apologise. Hell, when she sobers up tomorrow she should call him and say sorry for scaring him. Poor guy

GreyhoundG1rl · 18/03/2021 21:41

@Coconuttts

Why would you feel the need to come on a thread like this to proclaim that youdon'thave this problem? It's extraordinarily peculiar, in case you hadn't realised

Erm, because she asked for opinions. That's mine.

It's not an opinion, it's a smug declaration that you don't have this problem.