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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have sent my drunk mother home on the bus

144 replies

Epicfairy · 18/03/2021 20:39

My mother is a problem binge drinker. The situation causes me alot of stress and the only way I'm able to have a relationship with her is by having firm boundaries in place, I do not have her at my home around my children when she's in drink. I've reaffirmed that blanket rule many times and it's non negotiable.

She was due to visit this afternoon but by 5pm I hadn't heard from her so assumed she'd be drinking and put her out of my mind.

8pm comes when I'm getting the children ready for bed and she arrives at the door, as pissed as a fart, slurring her words and has what looks like a bruise on her face (commonplace unfortunately, she's always falling over because she can't handle her drink)

My two small children came running over excitedly as they love their grandmother and have been shielded from this side of her until now. They've never seen her like that before.

She's pleading her case to come in and swears blind she's not drunk anymore because 'she's had a lucozade'

Her voice is getting louder and she's making a scene.

I keep repeating that she's not coming in and has to leave because she's going to upset the children and DH who was on his way home after dropping DSC back.

She puts her hand on the door to stop me closing it and carries on asking to come in.

I warned her that if she doesn't get off the property and go home then she'll not be welcome here again full stop.

She finally relents and leaves to go and catch the bus home, fortunately I have a bus stop directly opposite my house which drops her off one block away from home.

My eldest who's only 3 and has autism has been inconsolable ever since as he doesn't understand why grandma was behaving strangely and didn't come in to see him.

WIBU to send her home in that state? I'm fucking sick of this, I can't change her but I can only protect my children.

OP posts:

M0rT · 18/03/2021 22:08

I think you did the right thing and please don't second guess yourself about Ubers/Cabs.
I once spent 20 mins with a drunk person getting in one side and out the other of a taxi, in the end I had to pay the taxi driver what was on the meter at that point and give up.
There is no guarantee that you could have coaxed her into a cab or they would have agreed to take her.
You are a mother now and have to "pay it forward" in the only way that matters, by prioritising and protecting your children.
Take Care

nimbuscloud · 18/03/2021 22:11

Glad she got home ok

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 18/03/2021 22:12

Can I just agree with a pp that you sound like you love her very much!

Don’t listen to the poster with no empathy.

Nellie850 · 18/03/2021 22:13

There’s no guarantee that she would have gotten in a taxi had you called one. Your priority in that situation quite rightly is your children. Not your mother, whom should be looking after you. I hope you didn’t have to deal with this growing up as a child, sorry if you did.

EmbarrassingAdmissions · 18/03/2021 22:16

I'd agree with PPs who say that an Uber/taxi would not necessarily have accepted someone who is drunk as they're a liability in several ways.

Being the Adult Child of an Alcoholic is not picnic - you're wise not to allow her access to your children when she has disregarded the boundaries that you established.

Original poster

Epicfairy · 18/03/2021 22:17

Growing up I remember I always hated her drinking because she'd make a terrible show of herself, fortunately those times were few and far between when I was very young.

The real problematic drinking started when I was 16, I'm 27 now.

Good points above about Ubers potentially refusing to take her.

OP posts:

continuallyconflating · 18/03/2021 22:19

I do tend to agree with those of you suggesting a taxi

Hindsight is always 20/20
And what would you have done while you were waiting for the cab/uber?
Had her arguing on the doorstep?
Nope, you did exactly what you needed for those most in need of your protection, the DC

StatisticallyChallenged · 18/03/2021 22:21

@Epicfairy

Growing up I remember I always hated her drinking because she'd make a terrible show of herself, fortunately those times were few and far between when I was very young.

The real problematic drinking started when I was 16, I'm 27 now.

Good points above about Ubers potentially refusing to take her.

I remember mine coming home on the floor of a taxi when I was about 13/14 - my older brother had to practically carry her in, past all the local kids. Great fun.

It is very hard to be the child of a bad drinker/binge drinker like this. You never know when they are going to utterly humiliate you, and that means you can never invite them anywhere or do anything with them without that feeling of dread in the pit of your stomach.

Mine refused to come to my wedding (after having a strop about my hen night, she's also a narc which is not a good combo) and in all honesty it was a relief, not having to worry about how pissed she was getting.

enjoyingscience · 18/03/2021 22:35

You poor thing, you absolutely did the right thing.

Have a look at NACOA - it’s for the children of alcoholics. It might be helpful for you and to help you deceive what’s going on to your children. I hope you get some sleep tonight now you know she’s safe, anyway.

Original poster

Epicfairy · 18/03/2021 22:37

That sounds awful @StatisticallyChallenged I'm so sorry.

I have some humiliating memories of her being paralytic as far back as me being around 7. I'm just thankful those occasions were rare back then. Booze has never agreed with her and she's never been able to handle it.

My mother isn't a narc but I did have a relationship with one, it was one of the worst periods of my life.

OP posts:

merrymouse · 18/03/2021 22:38

@cerseii

Also sometimes Uber drivers/taxis refuse extremely drunk passengers (ie the risk of vomit in their vehicle) so it’s not a given that they would have accepted her

Agree.

Don’t punish yourself OP. The drama of trying to get her into an Uber might have been traumatic for your children, and the driver would have been within their rights to refuse a drunk passenger. You have to set boundaries. The only point of using a taxi would be to make things better for you. You cannot control the consequences if your mother’s addiction.

The nature of her disease is that she prioritises drink over you and your children. You have to put yourself first to survive.

Tablegs · 18/03/2021 22:39

for the OP (and anyone else who is suffering similar with a family member).

ArabellaScott · 18/03/2021 22:42

You need your boundaries, and your children come first. Absolutely.

Glad she's home safe. Hoping you get a good night's sleep, OP.

Treaclepie19 · 18/03/2021 22:43

You 100% did the right thing and I'd imagine you're right that she turned her phone off and disappeared for a while to make you feel guilty.
Well done you for having such clear boundaries and sticking to them. You're doing your children proud.
I must take a leaf from your book!

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 18/03/2021 22:50

You did the right thing OP and i am glad she is ok.

Its very tiring growing up with an alcoholic parent. It's a problem that has blighted my own family.

Regards to the welfare situation, i had an ex who got drunk and abusive and sat down in the middle of a supermarket car park. No amount of cajoling could get him back in the car so i had to leave him there. I felt awful as it was a rough area and didnt sleep a wink. Luckily he managed to get himself arrested so safely spent the night in the cells. It was breaking me babysitting a grown man who was paralytic all the time.

BlackAlys · 18/03/2021 22:50

@Coconuttts

You did what was right for you. You sound like you hate her, to be honest. Personally, I have no parent with an alcohol problem, so maybe this is how it gets you in the end. I can't imagine doing this to my own mother, but then she's not a drunk.

What a thoughtless, shitty, rotten judgemental and fucking useless thing to say.

@Epicfairy you did the right thing. You are not able to fix her. You can only protect your DC from her, and you did

mummabubs · 18/03/2021 22:56

I'm glad she got home safely @Epicfairy so you don't have to carry that worry. My dad's parents were both alcoholics and my parents did their best to shield me and my sisters from it but I still only have memories of them drunk. My dad also has a difficult relationship with alcohol and it's really affected our relationship (I'm now early 30s). When I had my son I made it clear I didn't want him drinking excessively around our DS and to his credit he has cut down significantly and does respect that 99% of the time. My MiL also has drink issues but is not ready to consider it problem drinking. Consequently I'm not happy for our kids to sleep around theirs or to leave them alone with her when she's been drinking. As I'm sure you know from experience it doesn't matter if people aren't violent or outright obnoxious when they're drunk, children will still pick up that they're not right and not emotionally available to them. You 100% did the right thing this evening, for you, your children and also for your mum. Boundaries are an important communication to her of the impact that her behaviour is having on her family. Take care x

GeidiPrimes · 18/03/2021 22:58

I hope it is just as acceptable to walk away from drunk DC as it is to send this drunk mum home on a bus.
The 2 relationships are not comparable. Parents make a commitment to care for children, not the other way around. This woman ruined OPs childhood with her antics. Why on earth would she allow her to scare her GC?

A taxi would have been a better idea
Like others have said, even had they managed to get her into a cab there'd be no guarantee she'd have stayed in it.

I think you did the right thing OP, she left you no choice. I'm no longer in contact with my alcoholic abusive mother and life is so much better.

ginnybag · 18/03/2021 23:05

I have an alcoholic mother. I'd have done the same.

Its easy to judge it as uncaring till you've lived with it for years, but after a time your care for them becomes another weapon they can use against you. Sometimes, it's the last weapon, even after everything else has been drained dry.

Now you have kids, you have to take that weapon away from your mum before it starts getting aimed at them, too. It's heartbreaking, but it is right. Your children don't need contact with adults who are choosing behaviour that make them unstable and belligerent.

Lollyneenah · 18/03/2021 23:11

Another adult with an alcoholic mother and grandmother here. You did the right thing, not a doubt in my mind.
People who haven't been through it have no idea whatsoever so you have my sympathies, it's very very hard.

Zebracat · 18/03/2021 23:16

Try NACOA, for children of alcoholics. They are wonderful. I think you absolutely did the right thing, but I know how hard it is. To do anything else would have been to take responsibility for your mothers safety. And that is her job, yours was to look after your tiny children.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 18/03/2021 23:21

My Dad used to make a terrible show of himself in drink when I was a child too - and I also hated it!

These days he doesn’t drink to excess in the way you’ve described- slurring, incoherent etc - but is still dependent.

Your Mum’s behaviour in trampling on your boundaries reminded me more of my narc ex husband though.

ShiteJobby · 18/03/2021 23:34

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ArabellaScott · 18/03/2021 23:36

ShiteJobby, I hope you can find some peace and extend kindness to yourself.

ShiteJobby · 18/03/2021 23:41

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