To find care work hard

[Dragisnotacontactsport]

Maybe I'm just not warm enough. I do enjoy the job, I look after people with learning difficulties and autism in their teens and 20s. They are very sweet and it's great to work with them.

However there are some things I'm finding tough. I know it isn't their fault at all and that we are here to support them.

I am sick of having to constantly flush faeces down the toilet. One of the ladies never flushes the toilet, she seems to have understanding of other things, I have tried to show her to flush it several times but she never does.

The same lady also never washes her hands, I put sanitiser on her several times a day but sadly can't be there every time she's used the toilet. Her hands smell of faeces, she will then touch me, she has touched my food and my face mask with them. Once or twice I've been eating and the door rang or something, I came back and she had eaten my food.
I really sometimes think I must be horrible as I don't seem to react in the same way as my colleagues, they really fuss over one lady in particular and constantly tend to her like servants.
I care about them and try to support them but I don't pamper and pander to them with a constant stream of snacks throughout the day.
I don't like to have favourites either but it's evident here.

I will probably get flamed for this, I do like the job and I want to support them, I just find these elements hard. I don't have children or anything so maybe I have less experience with this sort of thing.
Anyone else ever felt this way? I hope I don't sound horrible, I think I am a caring person and want to help them.

Oh I didnt notice.the thing about taking money. That's not good.

YANBU @Dragisnotacontactsport

No way in hell could I be a carer as a job. I don't know how people do it to be honest. I could never do it.

I have to say though (like some others have said,) it sounds like you're in the wrong job for sure.

Not a criticism, and as I said, no WAY could I do it.

Holding and grabbing someone in this situation would be considered the same.

I think you need more training. Has it not occurred to you that the lady with autism might have sensory issues - she might hate the noise of the toilet flushing and not be able to tell you, she may hate the sensory experience of hand gel and not be able to tell you. You all need some good autism awareness training.
Also a bit of sensitivity wouldn't go amiss. It's horrible for people who have family members with LD to hear you speak like this about the people you care for.

It's such a tough gig! I didn't last long in autism services. I went to complex health needs which is much more me.

That would be my job from hell - but I guess it comes with the territory.

I think doing some more training would be helpful. It's a very difficult job at the best of times bit you shouldn't ever be restraining someone - even by gently holding their wrist. If someone is adamant they don't want washed or dressed then they shouldn't be made. Does it matter if they're in their pjs all day? And even if it does - they stillnhavebthe autonomy and right to make that choice (even if it's a poor one).

I manage these services and think the biggest difference is whether people genuinely understand that whilst some people we support know and understand certain things, they don't have the skills like impulse control to be able to help it. Most people say they understand but the vast majority of people don't fully 'get' that the negative behaviours are outside of the person's control. When people have an underlying belief that the person is being difficult on purpose that's when care isn't supportive ot healthy.

It can be really hard to leave this kind of job. There’s a combination of your self-identity as a good human, and the awareness of how your departure puts more pressure on an already over-pressured system.

But it really is okay to step away and say it’s not for you anymore.

And honestly, there can come a point in this sort of work where it’s best for everyone if you do. I worked for several years with learning disabled kids and I loved it but after several years I started to burn out. It’s very hard to disengage. And hard even to feel okay about looking for better paid, easier work.

I’m not saying you should resign, just letting you know that it is very much okay if deep down you’d like to.

I’m a PA for a disabled lady with mild learn difficulties. I do find it so hard at times and want to scream at her sometimes but obviously I don’t and never would and I must be doing something ok as she tells me I’m the best PA she’s had. But it is tough work and I come home exhausted. I’m also a carer for my mum who has Alzheimer’s but that’s stressful on a whole other level.

GraduallyWatermelon

Honestly, as someone who works in the sector I really would suggest you ask your employer for some further training in learning disabilities and autism.

The people you care for need looking after - a learning disability affects the way someone learns new things, so there are some skills (like flushing the loo, washing hands, appropriate social interaction) so they need someone to help them.

Grabbing someone is never ever acceptable - if I had seen this happen I would have reported it to your manager immediately as a safeguarding concern and they likely would have suspended you. Depending on the person you grabbed and the situation, I would have considered phoning the police - it could be considered assault.

If you aren't motivated to have further training, I really would urge you to reconsider - care is not for everyone.“

Please really digest this, OP. I suspect there are many people atm who have “resorted” to care because they can’t find any other work. Until now, they thought it was a cushy number and the kipper of reality has slapped them hard about the face.
If nothing else comes from this godawful year, I hope that at least the general public will - finally - appreciate that this is a specialism akin to every other medical and social service that needs to be recognised and rewarded appropriately.

OP, it doesn’t sound like the agency are great, to be honest. For instance, the favouritism isn’t on. All your service users should be treated fairly.

I hate the “oh isn’t (s)he cute/sweet” type comments, reactions and behaviours that your colleagues use. These are adults, not overgrown children. Its patronising, breeds frustration, and makes them “other” so is very isolating.

You need to teach your service users personal hygiene. Don’t be subtle, but don’t be mean either “come on xxx, let’s wash hands I think you forgot after you used the toilet” and “oh, you forgot to flush and wash, come in and do it now” cheery brisk tone. With a “look, let’s do it together” thing. Sometimes hand-washing is forgotten as a bad habit, or maybe the soap smells, or feels icky, or water is too hot/cold, or the paper towels are a bit “fingers down a blackboard”. If you can figure out what the cause is that’ll help. If you think service users will kick off then remember to only start battles your going to win... “What soap do you like? I’m using the lemony one, you want to try it?”

It’s important not to use any sort of physical intervention though - eg where you describe taking the mask from a service user. You’re not hurting them at all, but using physical means just blurs lines and inadvertently “allows” service users to do the same to you to get there own way. Obviously in an emergency you have no choice, but for something like dressing or getting your mask back. What happens if someone is scratching /hitting out? After they’ve calmed down, what follow up do you do? If it’s someone with sensory issues not wanting to wear scratchy clothes, what happens next? I’m assuming that they’re not expected to just put up with it, getting angrier and finding it unbearable, and not do they learn that scratching and hitting communicates effectively.

Your life will be easier if you can offer service users a choice: “do you want to wear the blue jeans or the black jeans today?” rather than “this is what your wearing”. If they’re refusing something more important, like a warm jacket on a cold day, then explain “this will keep you warm. If you don’t wear it you will be cold. We can put it in a bag for when you are cold”. Don’t attempt to wrestle people into situations they don’t want (unless it’s really important, eg avoiding serious accident etc).

If someone says your food, tell them calmly that they are not allowed to eat your food again. You can remind as needed. Most people with disabilities are more than capable of either learning “this is the rule” but won’t understand “why you’re cross” unless you tell them clearly. Don’t hold a grudge though!

Bless you all, you're amazing for doing care work. I couldn't do this in a million years.

Thanks for the replies.
I fully agree i need more training.
I do try to guide them back to the bathroom when I am there to wash their hands/flush.
I don't force them to wear clothes they don't want, there have just been instances where they needed to go out and were refusing all trousers so in the end we left them go in pyjamas.
Agree favouritism is wrong.
The person who said they would have called the police on me, that is absolutely ridiculous, what exactly do you think would happen ?

I try to tell them in a firm voice that they are not to eat my food. Or when I eat my tea, they may come and stand over my plate hovering around and trying to touch it, I will tell them to go and sit down.

Yanbu but I think it's not the job for you sadly. Get you probably can't get a different job right now as the market sucks, but you need to try being a bit more compassionate towards them in the meantime. They can't help what they are doing, they don't even know what they are doing. It's a shit job, but if you're going to do it, do it right. How would you want to be treated in the same circumstances, if that was you as the service user?

I probably should be more compassionate. I do treat them well though and care for them. I said it's not their fault, I just find parts of the job hard.

It is a hard job, you're right. I couldn't do it! I'd be terrible at it for definite. It takes a certain kind of person to do that job and skills that I just don't have.

What would happen if the police were involved with someone restraining a vulnerable adult inappropriately? You’d be done for assault.

It would depend on the situation, obviously, and I’ve no idea of the details of what you describe with masks and dressing from your service users point of view. However you’d always be held to a much higher standard on how you treat a vulnerable adult in their own home than you would a neurotypical adult in the pub. And rightly so...!

I have also had somebody defecate on my clothing before here.

That's untrue and entirely unnecessary to say I would be 'done for assault'. There's no need .

@Dragisnotacontactsport

Thanks for the replies. I fully agree i need more training. I do try to guide them back to the bathroom when I am there to wash their hands/flush. I don't force them to wear clothes they don't want, there have just been instances where they needed to go out and were refusing all trousers so in the end we left them go in pyjamas. Agree favouritism is wrong. The person who said they would have called the police on me, that is absolutely ridiculous, what exactly do you think would happen ?

To answer your question about what would happen, if someone reported a member of staff grabbed a vulnerable adult by the wrist to restrain them or pull something of them then it would be investigated by management and if the accusation was found to be true (as it is in this case) they could recommended further training and give you a warning through the disciplinary channels but they could end your employment and report to the regulatory body sonyou couldn't work with vulnerable adults again as well as having you charged with assault.

I think training on stressed and distressed behaviours would be positive for you as well as some specifically on restraint. You can't ever restrain anyone unless legally authorised - that includes everything from gentle physical restraint, to using your body to block peoples paths, keeping lapbelts on wheelchairs or even chemically like sleeping tablets or Diazepam etc.

It’s not shameful to say it’s not for you and try another form of caring (maybe working for an agency that goes to people’s houses briefly) or do something else entirely.

I used to be in a job where I helped to train and support frontline care workers. I used to tell them all the time I took my hat off to them as it's such a challenging role. I openly admit I couldn't do it every day.

I have a yping son with ASD. It is hard. Well done to you for doing a good job.

My dyspraxic son with sensory issues will never flush the loo. We thought it was because the push button was too tough for him. So we got all Victorian style toilets but it's the noise of the flush he cant handle. How the hell he will cope living alone God knows! I have told him to open the door, flush and walk out then return to wash hands. But he cant handle it. He is very capable and 13. It just needs lots of problem solving and reinforcing. It's not easy.

OP, are there any external agencies working in conjunction with the company you work for who offer training and support?