Does this piss you off or AIBU?

[Besswess88]

Today in a shop I dropped something out of my pocket at the self service, I knew I had but before I had a chance to pick it up a kindly man behind me said “you’ve dropped your card darlin” (my age, mid forties).

I know in the scheme of things it’s not important but anyone else absolutely hate being called “terms of endearment” by absolute strangers, esp when they are men.

It’s that low level misogyny that just grates on me.

Petal would've pissed me off too. I don't know anyone who calls people petal without it being sarcastic.

I am very very pro- the legalisation and protection of women's rights.

I'm not upset, so don't worry I just don't want people to automatically assume people are being misogynistic due to our dialectical habits. I'm sure that context is important in this situation. I just don't want to have to get rid of my regional habits when they're very innocent and make me feel connected to home.

And yes it is very often used passive aggressively and yes it is misogynistic because it is used exclusively as a way to be condescending to women

Except it isn’t. Men call each other “love” in Yorkshire. My bloke often gets called “love” or “darling” in local shops.

He was just being nice...

[quote CorianderBee]@Cassilis petal is weird, tbf, that's not a usual term and implies weakness or fragility. I can understand being annoyed at that.[/quote]
WTF have I stepped into here?

Am I on a different planet?!

Yes, sometime men might make call you something like babes that you don't like but fucking hell, what hill are you dying on? Do you really think a guy using a name like that
, who is trying to alert you to dropping something, meant something sexually creepy?! I agree pet names shouldn't be used but this is getting ridiculous.

I'm a proper crazed feminist and I really wouldn't mind tbh.

Just how I feel.

If it's said with a leer or patronising yes.

Thinking about it I would have said YANBU 10 years ago. What's changed.

Oh! I've reached the age of invisibility so this stuff isn't sexual or predatory any more.

Ok so changed my mind. Younger me says YANBU.

Bit of a revelation there for me, thank you OP.

Used the wrong quote there, sorry.

Actually. Think my last massage stands to that too!!!

I used to work in a customer services role. Women who were aggressive when making (sometimes valid) complaints would sometimes use ‘love’, ‘dear’, ‘darling’ in an aggressive or patronising way.
But I still agree with OP, that for some men (although it does depend on the region) use such terms in a misogynistic or ageist way - but unfortunately you can’t tell their intention by one single interaction. If they were doing me a favour, although it would make me wince a bit I would presume no malice was intended, but probably make a judgement about their general attitude to women or my age.
It does create a form of power imbalance, but probably also is used to signal they are being benevolent with their personally perceived sense of power.
If I don’t know you (man or woman) I don’t want your term of endearment!
I’m actually so old fashioned I don’t like people I don’t know calling me my first name much. Ms Birch, rather than Silver please. 🤣

Thinking on it more. When I was young it was just so constant. Being stared at, looked up and down, 'smile love it might never happen', and onto flashers, being followed, stuff shouted out of cars etc.

It really pissed me off. Why can't I just go about my business in peace?

So even a non sexual darling would have got on my tits because it just added on to everything else.

I just wanted to be left alone.

Now invisibility has come, it's brilliant. Just stops, more or less. Can walk down the street without the up and down looks, the comments.

And so the odd darling is fine.

Yep interesting.

@NiceGerbil

I'm a proper crazed feminist and I really wouldn't mind tbh.

Just how I feel.

If it's said with a leer or patronising yes.

Thinking about it I would have said YANBU 10 years ago. What's changed.

Oh! I've reached the age of invisibility so this stuff isn't sexual or predatory any more.

Ok so changed my mind. Younger me says YANBU.

Bit of a revelation there for me, thank you OP.

You wait till you a bit older - it will start to annoy you again, people saying it because they think you are ‘an old dear’ is really irritating!

@SilverBirchWithout it's not old fashioned. My grandmother was born in1929 and used these terms

Intent is everything IMHO.
We all know when we're being patronised and when someone is simply trying to convey warmth and friendliness.

[quote CorianderBee]@SilverBirchWithout it's not old fashioned. My grandmother was born in1929 and used these terms[/quote]
I think you’ve missed understood.
I was saying I’m a bit old-fashioned because I don’t like strangers calling me by my first name!

Lol silver birch.

Only a year or 2 till randoms are telling 'it's nice out today isn't it' at me

It’s not about interaction with strangers / endearments. That’s fine. It’s denying OP the right to have an opinion on what it made her feel.

‘Denying OP the right to have an opinion’...?! FFS.

This is AIBU. The OP asked if she was BU.

Nobody’s reaching down into the internet and gagging her.

They’re just telling her that yes, they think she is being unreasonable.

P.S.

You'd fucking hate it where I live OP - you're either 'cocker', 'love', 'darlin' or similar. My favourite? 'splodge'. Though you don't hear it often enough IMO.

I can't stand terms of endearment. I don't know you! I am not your precious, or sweetie, or darling, or dear, or hun, or love.

I volunteer and the volunteer coordinator who is about 5 years younger than I am uses at least one of those words in every sentence she says to me. I actually avoid her because I find it so grating and patronizing.

If he knew you were going to go and start an internet thread accusing him of being misogynistic then maybe he wouldn't have bothered to let you know that you dropped your card.

Totally normal in most parts of England to refer to people as love, darling, mate etc.

@Cassilis

If i got upset at how many old men called me sweetheart at work, id have lost my shit by now I dont like it, im not your sweetheart and it comes of kinda creepy really but Smile and nod

This is the shitty behaviour threads like this normalise. Pretending that OP is against endearments is not helpful, she is familiar with endearments and knows when she’s being patronised.

Sorry you have to face that @Ineedcoffee2021

yep, if we say we dont like it, we being told to get over it No need to be sorry Im sure you didnt set the culture here or in retail lol i just tell myself its largely due to where i live (rural aus) and generational, helps with smile and nod and its better than an aggressive customer in grand scheme but it still annoys the hell out of me

OP I think you're being totally unreasonable.

He wasn't heckling, being sexual, or being horrible.

He was being helpful and friendly

Haven't read the whole thread, but im an absolute nightmare for this.
I worked in care 10 years+, and in general people were fine with random terms of endearment.
Now i catch myself calling random people "love" or "darling" in inwardly cringe when I do it, but it became second nature.
Luckily as far as I can tell, people don't find it offensive.
My dp has also taken to calling people "my friend" or "bud/buddy" we live in the Midlands, he picked up these sayings having come from a different part of the country and now spending more Time with people who are Indian etc.
I think its quite acceptable of what is local terms of friendship and would absolutely not be offended, if used in the correct context.

I'm also from the South East (Home Counties) and wouldn't dare call anyone darling and do find it strange if I'm called darling, love, babe etc. As a one off from a stranger, I'm not sure I'd be bothered but I haven't been called darling I'm years by a random stranger (since my retail days, where it did bother me).

I understand that others with different regional dialect would use it as a term of endearment, but I was brought up to find these terms disrespectful. And i was told to avoid using them during my nursing degree as others may also find them disrespectful.

Why on earth would someone being kind to you invoke such a reaction?
I think the problem lies with you.
I really worry for the future of society when I read crap like this.