Does this piss you off or AIBU?

[Besswess88]

Today in a shop I dropped something out of my pocket at the self service, I knew I had but before I had a chance to pick it up a kindly man behind me said “you’ve dropped your card darlin” (my age, mid forties).

I know in the scheme of things it’s not important but anyone else absolutely hate being called “terms of endearment” by absolute strangers, esp when they are men.

It’s that low level misogyny that just grates on me.

Anyway it seems the southerners on here refuse to acknowledge that England is not one massive homogenous space with no cultural differentiation.

As a Northerner in London I'm very sad that on top of the constant mocking of my accent on the tube (highly offensive attempts to speak like I do in a way that sounds like Someone with speech difficulties) I'm also apparently considered rude for retaining and practicing my regional culture.

No wonder most northerners and Welsh I've met have forced their speech to mimic Londoners.

None of the people commenting in the opposition would tell someone from a different country to assimilate in entirety.

And it would be rude to respond to "hey doll, you've dropped your purse" with "don't call me doll!" because they've just done something kind and when people are kind to us we say thank you.

I disagree. If someone doesn’t want to be called that they should be allowed to object.

You are placing too much pressure on women to be polite and accepting.

@CorianderBee you’re making this thread into something it’s not.

Not one person has said endearments are rude.

[quote Cassilis]@CorianderBee you’re making this thread into something it’s not.

Not one person has said endearments are rude.[/quote]
... except the OP?

Inference is as acceptable a source as quotation

@CorianderBee no she didn’t say it was rude.

No, she said it was misogynistic which is, in its essence, rude and not acceptable.

@RoseRedRoseBlue

This smacks of desperation to find offence where there is simply none to be found. You are being extremely unreasonable.

This ^^ massively

The OP has admitted a couple of times that she's projecting, so quite why she's asking if she's being unreasonable is beyond me.

I'm so glad Mumsnet doesn't reflect my real life in the slightest.

@Cassilis

And it would be rude to respond to "hey doll, you've dropped your purse" with "don't call me doll!" because they've just done something kind and when people are kind to us we say thank you.

I disagree. If someone doesn’t want to be called that they should be allowed to object.

You are placing too much pressure on women to be polite and accepting.

No, if DH said he was offended by being called anything other than Dear Sir in a similar situation I'd also tell him to build a bridge and get over it.

In a situation where there will be more than one contact then yes, of course making it clear how you do or don't want to be addressed is normal. If this was Clive who came in every morning to the office and said "alright doll" then it's entirely different to a one off conversation where a stranger is trying to be kind

@CorianderBee she found this particular use misogynistic. You’ve somehow extrapolated that into you not being allowed to retain your regional culture.

FWIW, my husband is from Yorkshire, in laws are there and we spend a lot of time there. It’s one of my favourite places in the UK and I’ve been called many endearments there which I didn’t mind at all.

Anyway, my actual sweet peas, darlings, flowers, lovelies, sugar plum fairies etc have had their (hopefully last) bottles so I'm going to sleep.

@SleepingStandingUp

No, if DH said he was offended by being called anything other than Dear Sir in a similar situation I'd also tell him to build a bridge and get over it.

Do men get called a demeaning version of ‘doll’? I find it pretty sexist myself.

In a situation where there will be more than one contact then yes, of course making it clear how you do or don't want to be addressed is normal. If this was Clive who came in every morning to the office and said "alright doll" then it's entirely different to a one off conversation where a stranger is trying to be kind

There is no need to refer to a stranger as doll, ever.

@Cassilis maybe so, I became more affected when she said she particularly hated it from younger women.

As a woman who is likely to be younger than the general Mumsnet user this upset me. It means she finds it patronising and disrespectful for me to speak in a way which I've been taught to speak since I was a child. It's how my mum and my grandma spoke. To me it's only expressing affection and goodness. I find it really sad that someone might shout at me or dislike me / find me disrespectful/think I'm being nasty when in my dialect I'm only expressing friendliness.

@Bluntness100

Have you used the wrong word op? Misogyny is a hatred of women.

Clearly calling you a term of endearment does not indicate a hatred of women.

What word did you mean?

What? How can you not understand that calling a stranger "darling" "dear" or "sweetie" is misusing a term of endearment?

And yes it is very often used passive aggressively and yes it is misogynistic because it is used exclusively as a way to be condescending to women.

@juliaford once again I will emphasise that men from certain counties would say that to both me and women and children

Men*

What a miserable outlook on life you have.

[quote CorianderBee]@juliaford once again I will emphasise that men from certain counties would say that to both me and women and children[/quote]
Bollocks - you're grasping at straws. We all know that these are terms misused to put women down and we all know exactly what the OP is talking about. That your misogyny is so internalised that you feel the need to mix her very clear post with whatever goes on in some other countries (according to you) simply to, well, just put her down, says so much.

@juliaford no you are the misled person. I worked at many bars throughout Yorkshire and Lancashire. Men often referred to other men with these terms. I use these terms as a woman to express friendliness. Sorry that you cannot accept that people from around Britain don't all want to subjugate women.

and I'm not saying that women aren't badly discriminated against and harassed - we are. But it's certainly not internalised misogyny which is making me defend the use of regional dialects.

[quote CorianderBee]@Cassilis maybe so, I became more affected when she said she particularly hated it from younger women.

As a woman who is likely to be younger than the general Mumsnet user this upset me. It means she finds it patronising and disrespectful for me to speak in a way which I've been taught to speak since I was a child. It's how my mum and my grandma spoke. To me it's only expressing affection and goodness. I find it really sad that someone might shout at me or dislike me / find me disrespectful/think I'm being nasty when in my dialect I'm only expressing friendliness. [/quote]
I’ve been called love by younger women and wasn’t upset at all. I have been called ‘petal’ by a man in a meeting in a corporate setting (with mostly men) which upset me.

I don’t think this is about Northerners / regional differences. It’s some men co-opting endearments to patronise women.

There is a difference between a man in a bar telling you to smile or calling you sweetheart with that disgusting smirk on their face and a man automatically saying 'darling' when alerting someone to dropping someone

@Cassilis petal is weird, tbf, that's not a usual term and implies weakness or fragility. I can understand being annoyed at that.

[quote CorianderBee]@Cassilis petal is weird, tbf, that's not a usual term and implies weakness or fragility. I can understand being annoyed at that.[/quote]
Thanks, yes, it really annoyed me.

Anyway, sorry you’ve been upset, that wasn’t my intention.