Does this piss you off or AIBU?

[Besswess88]

Today in a shop I dropped something out of my pocket at the self service, I knew I had but before I had a chance to pick it up a kindly man behind me said “you’ve dropped your card darlin” (my age, mid forties).

I know in the scheme of things it’s not important but anyone else absolutely hate being called “terms of endearment” by absolute strangers, esp when they are men.

It’s that low level misogyny that just grates on me.

[quote Cassilis]@CorianderBee it might just be my culture to tell you not to call me ‘doll’ then, love.[/quote]
Alright sweet, you do you. Won't ruffle my feathers.

@SleepingStandingUp

My point is that you automatically assumed my use of the word ‘darlin’ was derogatory/condescending and yet anyone who objects to men using the word has a stick up their bum. It isn't standard to refer to other posters by anything other than their name, which you know, bad you hadn't done it on any other posts so it was quite clear you were trying to make a point. It just missed the mark as I don't care.

No one is saying that men can't use it inappropriately but that unless op adds extra detail, she's clearly projecting based on past experience not the situation. The "someone said show me your tits darlin' so darlin' in any context is offensive" is an odd argument.

Poor argument. So it’s not ok to use endearments on threads but ok in real life? I think you do care, doll.

Why bring up ‘show me your tits’? I didn’t make that comment.

Why do you have to call her anything? It’s not the law. No but it's human nature.

Maybe he should have just minded his own business, darlin’
Thankfully most people don't mind pleasant interactions with a stranger.
If we all looked ahead and minded our own business society would be worse for it.

Alright sweet, you do you. Won't ruffle my feathers.

Alright, flower face.

[quote Cassilis]@CorianderBee it might just be my culture to tell you not to call me ‘doll’ then, love.[/quote]
Then you'd just come across as rude.

The polite thing when someone tells you you've dropped something valuable is to say thank you.

@Cassilis

I don't know your name and I'm not going to scrape on my knees by calling you madam or ma'am.

Why do you have to call her anything? It’s not the law.

You'd prefer I said 'oy, you've dropped your card'.

Either way sometimes it just comes out naturally. Where I grew up it would feel rude to leave off the endearment as it's an indicator of goodwill. I understand and am sorry if it annoys you, but it's just who I am. Hardly a war cry.

I hate this and am with you OP. "You've dropped your card is fine but "love", "darling" "sweetheart" is patronising and quite likely rooted in misogyny. He wouldn't use those terms with a man, he'd say 'mate" or the like.

@pyongyangkipperbang if someone were to say to me "ey up cocker you droped your card!" it would probably make my day tbh

@Cassilis

Alright sweet, you do you. Won't ruffle my feathers.

Alright, flower face.

Well that's just grand, have a lovely day my sweet

"You'd prefer I said 'oy, you've dropped your card'

I'd just say "excise me you've dropped your card" I've got through life without ever once referring to random stranger as "darling" or 'sweetheart" but I don't think the connotation is the same from another woman anyway.

@Emeraldshamrock

Why do you have to call her anything? It’s not the law. No but it's human nature.

Maybe he should have just minded his own business, darlin’
Thankfully most people don't mind pleasant interactions with a stranger.
If we all looked ahead and minded our own business society would be worse for it.

It’s not about interaction with strangers / endearments. That’s fine. It’s denying OP the right to have an opinion on what it made her feel.

No op made the comment about not liking darlin cos of previous cat calls, and someone else about show us your tits darlin'.

Poor argument. So it’s not ok to use endearments on threads but ok in real life? I think you do care, doll. One is an automatic habit, one is contrived. Yours is contrived, his was automatic, hth.

@Feelingconfused2020

I hate this and am with you OP. "You've dropped your card is fine but "love", "darling" "sweetheart" is patronising and quite likely rooted in misogyny. He wouldn't use those terms with a man, he'd say 'mate" or the like.

If he's from the North (or at least my part) he absolutely would and does use those terms towards men. England is not homogenous.

If there's a N/S divide on this I'm planting my Midlands flag up North with the ducks and flowers 🌺 🦆

@Feelingconfused2020

"You'd prefer I said 'oy, you've dropped your card'

I'd just say "excise me you've dropped your card" I've got through life without ever once referring to random stranger as "darling" or 'sweetheart" but I don't think the connotation is the same from another woman anyway.

You didn't grow up in an area where this was considered polite, proper and an expression of goodwill. So of course you wouldn't use it. Many cultures call people older than them auntie or uncle out of respect. Why is it different because I'm English?

@SleepingStandingUp

Then you'd just come across as rude.

The polite thing when someone tells you you've dropped something valuable is to say thank you.

Why is it rude not to be want to be called darlin?

@Feelingconfused2020

I hate this and am with you OP. "You've dropped your card is fine but "love", "darling" "sweetheart" is patronising and quite likely rooted in misogyny. He wouldn't use those terms with a man, he'd say 'mate" or the like.

Differentiating between a man and a woman to talk to them isn't misogynistic. Only telling women they've dropped their cards because of course they need help is. Using a female term to address them isn't. Would hey Missus Vs Hey mister be misogynistic?

[quote Cassilis]@SleepingStandingUp

Then you'd just come across as rude.

The polite thing when someone tells you you've dropped something valuable is to say thank you.

Why is it rude not to be want to be called darlin?[/quote]
It's not, but it would be rude to snap at someone who did you a favour by pointing out you'd dropped something valuable in colloquial terms natural to their dialect.

@CorianderBee

You'd prefer I said 'oy, you've dropped your card'.

Why is it that the only alternative to ‘darlin’ is ‘it’? What about excuse me.

Anyway, you’re misunderstanding the point people are making. This is not about endearments, go forth and use them, OP herself grew up in the south where they say ‘my lover’.

‘Oy’ not it

[quote Cassilis]@SleepingStandingUp

Then you'd just come across as rude.

The polite thing when someone tells you you've dropped something valuable is to say thank you.

Why is it rude not to be want to be called darlin?[/quote]
Actually it was in response to being called doll.

And it would be rude to respond to "hey doll, you've dropped your purse" with "don't call me doll!" because they've just done something kind and when people are kind to us we say thank you.
Obv if they called you a rude word, that outweighs the kind and you don't have to say thank you, or if they're only acting like they're being kind but they're secretly putting you down
But otherwise, we use our manners and say thank you when someone tries to help us.

@SleepingStandingUp

No op made the comment about not liking darlin cos of previous cat calls, and someone else about show us your tits darlin'.

Poor argument. So it’s not ok to use endearments on threads but ok in real life? I think you do care, doll. One is an automatic habit, one is contrived. Yours is contrived, his was automatic, hth.

But that’s exactly it, it’s subjective. You are all trying to dictate how OP should respond to it. Maybe she thinks the man was contrived.

I get it too OP. I don't think is misogynistic so much as paternalistic. I bear the over affectionate talk from the very senior but not from the younger generation.

Couple of times in a professional setting I've had to say "I'm not your darling/sweetheart to colleagues my age who spoke to me like I was a pet. It's not on.

I don't think "darling" would bother me much, but I get your point. "Love" on the other hand often seems to be used in a condescending way towards women when being dismissive of them.

Well we're going to have to work on what op put and she's put nothing to say she thought he was being contrives, just that she doesn't like that particular term. She can not like that particular term, but she is by to decide that WORD not the tone or the look or anything else in the interaction made it misogynistic.