Does this piss you off or AIBU?

[Besswess88]

Today in a shop I dropped something out of my pocket at the self service, I knew I had but before I had a chance to pick it up a kindly man behind me said “you’ve dropped your card darlin” (my age, mid forties).

I know in the scheme of things it’s not important but anyone else absolutely hate being called “terms of endearment” by absolute strangers, esp when they are men.

It’s that low level misogyny that just grates on me.

For those posters who asked about the film I referenced it's called The Giver, and Alexander Skaarsgard is in it - here is the IMDB link:

www.imdb.com/title/tt0435651/?ref_=nm_flmg_act_22

Apologies for taking so long to reply and hope it is interesting

@Cassilis

Men do not generally call other men darling, dear and luv in London, stop lying.

Im not lying , because i didnt say that. Men tend to use mate or bro with men, though but women definitely say dear l,uv ,darling to men and women

It wouldn't bother me. The only time such things do bother me is when someone uses such terms in the context of telling me off, e.g. 'Look, darling, you're wasting my time'.

If it had been a guy that had dropped something he would probably have said "lad" or "mate" He was trying to be helpful!! Next time if you drop your credit card or something else, don't be surprised if no one tells you. Since when did we become so uptight? I'd you're confident in who you are, does it really matter what term of endearment someone uses?? My girls have all studied subjects that 30 years ago were reserved for men, but they're confident in who they are. If they get whistled at or called darling ( as long as it's'ot persistent) it puts a smile on their faces. Not every compliment or term of endearment is sexual harassment. What has the world come to ???

Doesnt bother me at all. I'm just pleased when people can be nice.

@Nobody2u

If it had been a guy that had dropped something he would probably have said "lad" or "mate" He was trying to be helpful!! Next time if you drop your credit card or something else, don't be surprised if no one tells you. Since when did we become so uptight? I'd you're confident in who you are, does it really matter what term of endearment someone uses?? My girls have all studied subjects that 30 years ago were reserved for men, but they're confident in who they are. If they get whistled at or called darling ( as long as it's'ot persistent) it puts a smile on their faces. Not every compliment or term of endearment is sexual harassment. What has the world come to ???

‘ if they get whistled at it puts a smile on their faces’ Dear God. They must be thrilled then, when someone shouts ‘ get your t*ts out’

And straight away the extreme reaction! Heaven forbid that someone compliments you!!

And I find this reply far more offensive and vulgar than a simple whistle. Saying that, we live in the Mediterranean and admittedly behaviour is not the same as back in chilly Britain. I've been away 30 years and never cease to be astounded by the increasing liberty allowed to teenagers in the U.K which contrasts amazingly by the puritanical voices of the parents. Talk about conflicting messages!

Have we moved on to whistling being a compliment and girls/ women are so uptight these days

I know people who say this have a line and I always wonder where it is.

Nobody2U where's your line?

And can you see that everyone has one, they are in different places for various reasons, and it's a bit odd to say that yours is the only one.

If you came on and said I dunno. Some bloke shouted come and sit on my cock. And you didn't like it. And I said don't be so uptight it's just banter. Take it as it's meant, harmless fun. Anyway it makes me feel sexy when I get this stuff.

Would you say oh ok well I'll move my line then?

Where is your line, out of interest?

(I can't remember being whistled at ever TBH! Beeping I hate cos if it's near it makes you jump out of your skin. Sexually explicit stuff much more common when I was young).

'I've been away 30 years and never cease to be astounded by the increasing liberty allowed to teenagers in the U.K which contrasts amazingly by the puritanical voices of the parents.'

Children have far less liberty now than they did 30 years ago IMO and from what I've seen.

I rather asked for that!!😂No I don't believe all women are uptight, and I do believe a lot of their complaints are legitimate, But in the case of the OP where someone called a stranger darling whilst trying to help is not imo an agression, and neither is a simple whistle to a girl/ bloke walking down the street. The line is very difficult to draw, and I can understand how we've arrived at point where any such behaviour is decreed unacceptable, because there will always be those that take pleasure in making someone else uncomfortable. An invasion of personal space etc is far more threatening imo than the use of "darlin","dear" or"love"

@Nobody2u

If it had been a guy that had dropped something he would probably have said "lad" or "mate" He was trying to be helpful!! Next time if you drop your credit card or something else, don't be surprised if no one tells you. Since when did we become so uptight? I'd you're confident in who you are, does it really matter what term of endearment someone uses?? My girls have all studied subjects that 30 years ago were reserved for men, but they're confident in who they are. If they get whistled at or called darling ( as long as it's'ot persistent) it puts a smile on their faces. Not every compliment or term of endearment is sexual harassment. What has the world come to ???

It’s pretty depressing that supposedly confident young women are still socialised to find unsolicited wolfwhistles some kind of tribute, rather than wonder why, if they and other women manage to refrain from walking down the street making sure they make passing men aware they’re appraising them, men can’t do the same .

Nobody2CU not the answer I was expecting!

For me, where I grew up. It was so sodding constant that I just wanted to be left alone. So anything at all that felt, hard to describe. Patronising? Not sure. I was just arrrrggghh fuck off! Inside.

I live in an area where men don't call each other men love or darling etc.

It really depends where you live (how bad it is) and the local use of the words.

Dunno if that makes sense!

I never found any of it flattering..

Of course it makes sense!! Anything that is done with the deliberate intent to make someone else feel uncomfortable is unacceptable. I grew up in an area where things were completely the opposite,men didn't whistle or verbally leer over women, so that if very occasionally it happened (and the guy concerned was almost always at a distance) it was not threatening. Now living in a Latin country it's more common, but you'd never get the aggressive " get your tits out"or " would you like to sit on my...." comment that it appears so many British women have to endure. And it's nothing to do with the amount of flesh on view. A girl in a pair of jeans just looking happy to be alive is just as likely to get whistled at.

Nothing wrong in that at all. Probably a generational thing and I think it sounds kind.

Just wondering whereabouts you live, because sometimes it's a cultural thing? I recently moved from the South to Yorkshire, and one of the first things I noticed was that everyone was suddenly calling me "Love" or "Pet". At first I thought it was a bit patronising, but I now realise these are just terms of endearment, and it's quite nice, really!

@Nobody2u that's so depressing that getting wolf whistled at puts a smile on your daughters' faces. This is enabling the behaviour. I want to live in a world where wolf whistling strangers is archived to the old days & rightly seen as inappropriate

I think we'll agree to differ. A quick toot on a horn, without winding down the winder or curb crawling might make you jump, but isn't in my book an agression. Why then do we have fashion shows and all the publicity that goes on around the perfect body, skin,and clothes sense. Women lap it up at all levels of society,and it's not just for their own benefit. Looking good makes a woman feel good, because first impressions are important, but the moment someone shows a sign of appreciation, all of a sudden half the female population feels agressed. There is a big difference between being hassled and the hoot of a car from a man/woman who then passes on his or her way. I will admit that some people find it a bit difficult to negotiate the line that separates one from the other.

Regarding the 'toot on the horn' as a sign that a man appreciates your great beauty. I was in a car once with a man that did it because it made women jump and, he said, 'I like to see their tits wobble.'
(Ironically the guy has much bigger 'tits' than the women he was beeping his horn at.)

I'm in the South East and women working in shops sometimes use a term of endearmentike this. I can think of one cashier at the supermarket, who is really popular and upbeat. She usually says "Have a lovely day my darling." Do you take umbrage with women saying it, or only men?

@Nobody2u

I think we'll agree to differ. A quick toot on a horn, without winding down the winder or curb crawling might make you jump, but isn't in my book an agression. Why then do we have fashion shows and all the publicity that goes on around the perfect body, skin,and clothes sense. Women lap it up at all levels of society,and it's not just for their own benefit. Looking good makes a woman feel good, because first impressions are important, but the moment someone shows a sign of appreciation, all of a sudden half the female population feels agressed. There is a big difference between being hassled and the hoot of a car from a man/woman who then passes on his or her way. I will admit that some people find it a bit difficult to negotiate the line that separates one from the other.

Aww bless. It must be like 1972 in your world. You must sit around in the evenings watching your treasured videos of the Benny Hill Show. Myself, it makes me smile when I explain that I own the company I work for, or when I brighten someone’s day by surprising them that I can converse in their first language.

How is making someone jump NOT aggressive? It’s the response to being given a fright. Frightening random women is just revolting.

@Nobody2u

I think we'll agree to differ. A quick toot on a horn, without winding down the winder or curb crawling might make you jump, but isn't in my book an agression. Why then do we have fashion shows and all the publicity that goes on around the perfect body, skin,and clothes sense. Women lap it up at all levels of society,and it's not just for their own benefit. Looking good makes a woman feel good, because first impressions are important, but the moment someone shows a sign of appreciation, all of a sudden half the female population feels agressed. There is a big difference between being hassled and the hoot of a car from a man/woman who then passes on his or her way. I will admit that some people find it a bit difficult to negotiate the line that separates one from the other.

I can't believe you're condoning sexually harassing women in public. What is wrong with you? Wolf whistling, beeping your horn, leering, making sexually explicit comments - they're all the same. They make women feel unsafe and objectified which is the point, these are women and often, girls in men's spaces and they are being harassed.

I was being beeped at by men at 12 years old. I had comments on my 'tits' by absolute fucking wankers, following me at 15 years old. Being humiliated in public by builders on sites, lewd comments, groping, having my bum pinched, men bibbing in cars, being followed, leered at, crude sexual comments - Bet she LOVES IT UP THE ARSE!! Titter, snigger, aren't I 'ard in front of me mates. Fucking bunch of cunts.