Does this piss you off or AIBU?

[Besswess88]

Today in a shop I dropped something out of my pocket at the self service, I knew I had but before I had a chance to pick it up a kindly man behind me said “you’ve dropped your card darlin” (my age, mid forties).

I know in the scheme of things it’s not important but anyone else absolutely hate being called “terms of endearment” by absolute strangers, esp when they are men.

It’s that low level misogyny that just grates on me.

Yanbu. This is misogynistic behaviour. So is saying a woman is ‘having a blonde moment’ , cracking ‘jokes’ about gender roles, etc etc. We have come a long way with regard to ending racism and homophobia, but this behaviour always relied on ‘ it’s just a joke/ can’t you take a joke/ you can’t say anything these days/ I have a black/ gay/ female friend and they think it’s ok’. Misogynistic behaviour and generally a misogynistic culture is still alive and well. Think of it like this- if a racist person makes a racist remark, and they don’t find it offensive/ neither do their friends/ neither do a number of black people- is it still racist? Yes. It’s the ears that it falls on. To make another comparison with ( in this instance) racist behaviour- touching people’s hair. Even if you admire it. People- it’s racist. Calling a woman a name likely to cause offence/ because it’s derogatory/ too familiar/ it’s not appropriate- yes, yanbu. The fact that you have to inner question if you’re overreacting needs to change also.

@Inexpertjuggler

Yanbu. This is misogynistic behaviour. So is saying a woman is ‘having a blonde moment’ , cracking ‘jokes’ about gender roles, etc etc. We have come a long way with regard to ending racism and homophobia, but this behaviour always relied on ‘ it’s just a joke/ can’t you take a joke/ you can’t say anything these days/ I have a black/ gay/ female friend and they think it’s ok’. Misogynistic behaviour and generally a misogynistic culture is still alive and well. Think of it like this- if a racist person makes a racist remark, and they don’t find it offensive/ neither do their friends/ neither do a number of black people- is it still racist? Yes. It’s the ears that it falls on. To make another comparison with ( in this instance) racist behaviour- touching people’s hair. Even if you admire it. People- it’s racist. Calling a woman a name likely to cause offence/ because it’s derogatory/ too familiar/ it’s not appropriate- yes, yanbu. The fact that you have to inner question if you’re overreacting needs to change also.

Oh do grow up Someone was trying to be pleasant and did a nice thing. If you cant tell the difference then you have serious issues. No wonder women on MN are so unhappy when they are looking out for fault all the time

You're overreacting.

It's just a word! There are bigger misogynistic insults that would offend me!

@Inexpertjuggler

Yanbu. This is misogynistic behaviour. So is saying a woman is ‘having a blonde moment’ , cracking ‘jokes’ about gender roles, etc etc. We have come a long way with regard to ending racism and homophobia, but this behaviour always relied on ‘ it’s just a joke/ can’t you take a joke/ you can’t say anything these days/ I have a black/ gay/ female friend and they think it’s ok’. Misogynistic behaviour and generally a misogynistic culture is still alive and well. Think of it like this- if a racist person makes a racist remark, and they don’t find it offensive/ neither do their friends/ neither do a number of black people- is it still racist? Yes. It’s the ears that it falls on. To make another comparison with ( in this instance) racist behaviour- touching people’s hair. Even if you admire it. People- it’s racist. Calling a woman a name likely to cause offence/ because it’s derogatory/ too familiar/ it’s not appropriate- yes, yanbu. The fact that you have to inner question if you’re overreacting needs to change also.

😱 Seriously, don’t compare this with racism.

Touching someone’s hair reducing them to pet status whether you mean it or not is in no way the same as this non event.

‘Whether you mean it or not’ is exactly my point. The person on the receiving end finds it offensive

Ok apologies. But substitue the word ‘racist’ for ‘homophobic’ or ‘sexist’ oh wait...
When will women stop the mindset of ‘ its fine, go ahead, I don’t matter/ take the word ‘gender’ off the equality act wording’

When it’s not a non event, OP had the opportunity to throw it straight back at him with a ‘Thanks love’ Can’t really throw racism back at someone.

You might need more to worry about love. If he called you a poor little women always dropping and loosing things it might been patronising, but soon it's going to be impossible to have any normal social interactions. I sent a txt the other day with xxx x at the end then had to txt again to apologise! Sometimes really speech is just a reflex action not personally directed sweetie

@Inexpertjuggler

Ok apologies. But substitue the word ‘racist’ for ‘homophobic’ or ‘sexist’ oh wait... When will women stop the mindset of ‘ its fine, go ahead, I don’t matter/ take the word ‘gender’ off the equality act wording’

That makes no sense whatsoever.

I didn’t like to say 😂

I know a lot of people just don't hear it or don't mind, but if you haven't been raised in a culture that uses phrases like 'love' or 'darling' for random strangers, it really is odd and I hate it. And it is usually sexist bollocks - you don't get men calling each other love or darling.

My stock response is "thank you, cupcake!" with a big friendly grin. Because that's not a usual 'term of endearment', it usually jars a little for the person I direct it to, and I hope it makes people think that the term they just used for me is equally bizarre if we don't even know each other.

I imagine I'll get a load of responses on here telling me I'm just being an utter twat. But before you do, please do take a second to reflect on why I'm a twat for using an innocent term of endearment on someone I don't know, but they're not.

But you get women calling men and women darling, are they being patronising and sexist etc

@AnnieLobeseder
Because you are using cupcake as a put down, to denegrate someone who is using perfectly normal everyday language

@AnnieLobeseder

I know a lot of people just don't hear it or don't mind, but if you haven't been raised in a culture that uses phrases like 'love' or 'darling' for random strangers, it really is odd and I hate it. And it is usually sexist bollocks - you don't get men calling each other love or darling.

My stock response is "thank you, cupcake!" with a big friendly grin. Because that's not a usual 'term of endearment', it usually jars a little for the person I direct it to, and I hope it makes people think that the term they just used for me is equally bizarre if we don't even know each other.

I imagine I'll get a load of responses on here telling me I'm just being an utter twat. But before you do, please do take a second to reflect on why I'm a twat for using an innocent term of endearment on someone I don't know, but they're not.

I don’t think it’s twattish, I think it’s fair enough and what OP should have done if she found it upsetting.

My stock response is "thank you, cupcake!" with a big friendly grin. Because that's not a usual 'term of endearment', it usually jars a little for the person I direct it to, and I hope it makes people think that the term they just used for me is equally bizarre if we don't even know each other.

That would be a perfectly normal term of endearment where I am from - perhaps not the most commonly heard but I have definitely said it and had it said to me on multiple occasions by various different people - so your "learning objective" would go over many peoples heads.

I had to post a parcel the other day and the middle-aged woman said "thanks love" after I paid her. So was she showing a lack of respect, or trying to demonstrate a position of power over me? I can't decide which it was.

@BrintIg

I had to post a parcel the other day and the middle-aged woman said "thanks love" after I paid her. So was she showing a lack of respect, or trying to demonstrate a position of power over me? I can't decide which it was.

When I recognise someone of my nationality- we can say things to each other- that if someone not of our nationality said them, would be racist. My gay friends say things to each other, that would otherwise be homophobic. This is very simple to understand

I'm up North and lots of people use terms of endearment such as pet, petal, love, darlin'. I also use these. Not to be patronizing or sexist, just because that's what we do round here

When I recognise someone of my nationality- we can say things to each other- that if someone not of our nationality said them, would be racist. My gay friends say things to each other, that would otherwise be homophobic. This is very simple to understand
What has that got to do with anything. We are talking about 2 people in the uk talking to each other in a friendly manner

@bruffin

When I recognise someone of my nationality- we can say things to each other- that if someone not of our nationality said them, would be racist. My gay friends say things to each other, that would otherwise be homophobic. This is very simple to understand What has that got to do with anything. We are talking about 2 people in the uk talking to each other in a friendly manner

This was in reply to your question about the woman who called you ‘love’. If she is a woman, and you are a woman, it’s not sexist or offensive. I made the comparison that If I say things to people of my nationality/ my gay friends say things to each other, that said by others would be racist/ homophobic. It’s very easy to understand

[quote bruffin]@AnnieLobeseder
Because you are using cupcake as a put down, to denegrate someone who is using perfectly normal everyday language[/quote]
So women have to accept endearments from men on men’s terms?!

Calling strangers darling is not normal everyday language, you would NEVER call your boss or your GP darling.

I also said women say it to men. Its not sexist then either.
Darling, dear and luv are the norm in london and the southeasf

Men do not generally call other men darling, dear and luv in London, stop lying.