Does this piss you off or AIBU?

[Besswess88]

Today in a shop I dropped something out of my pocket at the self service, I knew I had but before I had a chance to pick it up a kindly man behind me said “you’ve dropped your card darlin” (my age, mid forties).

I know in the scheme of things it’s not important but anyone else absolutely hate being called “terms of endearment” by absolute strangers, esp when they are men.

It’s that low level misogyny that just grates on me.

One thing I’ve taken from this thread is next time a man calls me darling I’m doing to call him ‘flower petal’, as a pp suggested. I suspect they won’t like it.

Ovine, to answer your question, men and women sometimes address men and women as love or pet. Men don't normally use those terms for other men but so what? It doesn't make it mysogynist or wrong. I find it a bit over-familiar, and don't use those terms myself, but I wouldn't declare gender warfare on someone who does.

@udidasktho

Men don't normally use those terms for other men but so what?

It's a slippery slope.

Women don't get paid as much as men? So what, men and women are different, women sacrifice promotions to have babies.

Women get cat-called? So what, she shouldn't have been wearing a short skirt.

Women get attacked at night? So what, she shouldn't have been walking in the dark.

Women have to self-curfew when it gets dark? So what, we can't expect men to self-curfew.

Women get choked to death during sex? So what, she shouldn't have got drunk.

[quote Lacucuracha]@udidasktho

Men don't normally use those terms for other men but so what?

It's a slippery slope.

Women don't get paid as much as men? So what, men and women are different, women sacrifice promotions to have babies.

Women get cat-called? So what, she shouldn't have been wearing a short skirt.

Women get attacked at night? So what, she shouldn't have been walking in the dark.

Women have to self-curfew when it gets dark? So what, we can't expect men to self-curfew.

Women get choked to death during sex? So what, she shouldn't have got drunk.[/quote]
What a load of paranoid rubbish. You're going to make yourself very unhappy thinking that way. Learn to live and let live.

If someone calls you 'Pet' it does rather imply that they think they can put their hands all over you. It wouldn't surprise me if the argument was used in Court 'You allowed him to call you 'Pet', therefore...'

@GameofPhones

If someone calls you 'Pet' it does rather imply that they think they can put their hands all over you. It wouldn't surprise me if the argument was used in Court 'You allowed him to call you 'Pet', therefore...'

The thread that keeps on giving !!

@GameofPhones

If someone calls you 'Pet' it does rather imply that they think they can put their hands all over you. It wouldn't surprise me if the argument was used in Court 'You allowed him to call you 'Pet', therefore...'

You think that a significantly large number of people in the North East are sexual predators just waiting to feel you up and then claim you consented because you didn't challenge "here's your change pet" when you went in their shop?

I mean theres ignorant and then bloody offensive

@MistressoftheDarkSide

Managed the first six pages then wilted.

Trained backstage in theatre and I fling all sorts of endearments around but am obviously mindful of context and situation. Man in OP using darlin' - a fleeting moment of human connection. But OP can feel how they like about it. Man using darlin' in a belittling or sneery way - worthy of riposte. All about the context.

I sometimes wonder if we'll end up in a world of mute paralysis for fear of offence. Like that film where everyone is super nice and polite and they're eliminating the weakest on the side and they need one person every ten years or something to look at history, and in the end this last shaman breaks free, because of course emotions and perceptions are controlled pharmaceutically, right down to not being able to see the world in colour, and he stops taking the tablets and realises what he's missing.

Or maybe we'll have electronic devices that shock us when we deviate from the "approved script".

Funny old world sometimes ain't it?

What movie?

@Lacucuracha

One thing I’ve taken from this thread is next time a man calls me darling I’m doing to call him ‘flower petal’, as a pp suggested. I suspect they won’t like it.

I think I suggested it. Or if not, I meant to.

I do do this, when I have the energy. I've had also kinds of responses from shock, surprise, anger, silence and then 'Ah, OK, gotcha' -- but I would warn you that in a couple of cases, a man regarded it as a come-on (as if I were the one who had moved our relationship onto an intimate footing), so proceed with caution.

@Lacucuracha

One thing I’ve taken from this thread is next time a man calls me darling I’m doing to call him ‘flower petal’, as a pp suggested. I suspect they won’t like it.

Flower petal isn't common parlance anywhere tho is it? So it's like saying he called be a skittle or he called me a gift of grass.

Ftr I don't think you shouldn't do it back, I'm just confused why you'd confuse the matter by calling him a random name which would perplex most people rather than something of a similar vein

I think I suggested it. Or if not, I meant to.

I do do this, when I have the energy. I've had also kinds of responses from shock, surprise, anger, silence and then 'Ah, OK, gotcha' -- but I would warn you that in a couple of cases, a man regarded it as a come-on (as if I were the one who had moved our relationship onto an intimate footing), so proceed with caution.

Thanks for the suggestion Ovine. I'm so sick of harassment from men, I give as good as I get now.

@SleepingStandingUp

Ftr I don't think you shouldn't do it back, I'm just confused why you'd confuse the matter by calling him a random name which would perplex most people rather than something of a similar vein

Again, not sure if I was the one who said 'flower petal' -- I may have. If so, I think it was just a randomly-invented pretend term of endearment (combination of 'flower' and 'petal', which are both used individually) which sounded ridiculous enough to get someone to think about what he had actually just said eg

'Smile, it might never happen, love.'
'Why don't you give me a lovely, big dazzling smile back, sweetpea/flower petal/sugarcheeks?'

'

Yeah fair enough, over ya. Although in this context "you've dropped your bank card darlin", "thanks sweatpea" may end up with a date instead 😕🙄

Yabu - and it is clearly not misogyny.

Yeah fair enough, over ya. Although in this context "you've dropped your bank card darlin", "thanks sweatpea" may end up with a date instead 😕🙄

So when a woman responds with a term of endearment, it's a come on?

@Lacucuracha

Yeah fair enough, over ya. Although in this context "you've dropped your bank card darlin", "thanks sweatpea" may end up with a date instead 😕🙄

So when a woman responds with a term of endearment, it's a come on?

No that came across wrong. I meant with the to dalrlin give us a smile they are clearly being dicks and will more likely get the pointed why don't you buttercup. Because you dropped your card is just someone being polite the ok sweet pea is more likely to come across as building friendly rapport than telling him off.

I still don't see how 'you dropped your card darling' isn't a come on, but 'thanks sweetpea' is one.

@MistressoftheDarkSide what is the movie? Sounds awesome, I want to watch it!!

Also I can’t logically explain why but I’m ok with being called “love” etc particularly by older men (for some reason!) outside of a workplace setting. Internalised misogyny? Or just acceptance of current social norms and looking at the bigger picture that the guy was trying to be kind and do a nice thing for you in this scenario? However I hate it at work, definitely from colleagues but also patients (I’m a GP) even if kindly meant, unless they are super elderly and/or have dementia or learning disability (ok clearly I have no real logic even there?! I confuse myself!)

@Lacucuracha

I still don't see how 'you dropped your card darling' isn't a come on, but 'thanks sweetpea' is one.

I'd same the same in reverse, I might have explained it badly and that's on me but it isn't a man woman thing. If one person's starts the convo and the other one responds kinda upping the friendly ante is what I meant, vs the attempt to put them in their place as misogynistic sexual discriminators .

[quote Mygardenisnotperfect]@MistressoftheDarkSide what is the movie? Sounds awesome, I want to watch it!!

Also I can’t logically explain why but I’m ok with being called “love” etc particularly by older men (for some reason!) outside of a workplace setting. Internalised misogyny? Or just acceptance of current social norms and looking at the bigger picture that the guy was trying to be kind and do a nice thing for you in this scenario? However I hate it at work, definitely from colleagues but also patients (I’m a GP) even if kindly meant, unless they are super elderly and/or have dementia or learning disability (ok clearly I have no real logic even there?! I confuse myself!)[/quote]
I promise I've called my GP darling, sweet pea, petal, love, duck or my lover

NEVER!!!!!! Jesus Christ I clearly mean never. That's it, I'm off to make coffee. Bloody kids and their inability to sleep!!

Oh for goodness sakes. Get a grip.

I hate it! You’re not alone op!