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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Does this piss you off or AIBU?

642 replies

Besswess88 · 17/03/2021 22:18

Today in a shop I dropped something out of my pocket at the self service, I knew I had but before I had a chance to pick it up a kindly man behind me said “you’ve dropped your card darlin” (my age, mid forties).

I know in the scheme of things it’s not important but anyone else absolutely hate being called “terms of endearment” by absolute strangers, esp when they are men.

It’s that low level misogyny that just grates on me.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 19/03/2021 00:33

@NiceGerbil

No it isn't, he says darling to women, but not men..
But he probably says mate to men and it women but if someone came on frothing someone had referred to their Dmale of choice as mate they'd be told to get over it. And yes we're women were oppressed and men aren't so we shouldn't have to endure what they should but he's not being misogynistic, he's not discriminating against her, there's no evidence he was being condescending beyond op not wanting to be told she'd dropped it until he'd waited the required time to see if she'd noticed
GameofPhones · 19/03/2021 00:36

But it can be felt as over-familiar and patronising. I was with a male colleague once and the porter addressed him as 'love' (this was in the North). My colleague bristled immediately and said angrily 'I'm not your love'.

SleepingStandingUp · 19/03/2021 00:37

@GameofPhones

But it can be felt as over-familiar and patronising. I was with a male colleague once and the porter addressed him as 'love' (this was in the North). My colleague bristled immediately and said angrily 'I'm not your love'.
Is your colleague used to men refering to hi mas love? I'd assume if not it's more about his male who that being patronised.
NiceGerbil · 19/03/2021 00:40

Who is frothing?

I've said I wouldn't mind if some bloke did that tomorrow.

What I find really interesting about this sort of thing is that

Women who say they don't mind, well ok

Women who say they do mind. You're wrong! Rude! Touchy! Frothing!

Etc.

Surely the answer the other way is. I don't mind but I understand that you do.

JohannaC · 19/03/2021 00:44

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

SleepingStandingUp · 19/03/2021 00:48

No one is saying op has to embrace the world darlin' and demand everyone call it her. Of she was ever going to see the guy again, telling him she doesn't like it is perfectly acceptable.

But saying he's misogynistic and sexually discriminating against her in this single context is frothing.

Stoppissingonmyheather · 19/03/2021 00:56

Oh really forget it move on worse things to worry about would you rather he didn't pick it up and watched you bend over and do it yourself no probs not

NiceGerbil · 19/03/2021 01:05

Johanna when women say something has pissed them off then obviously the intent will be part of it.

This wasn't an old geezer it was a bloke the same age as the OP.

And old geezers can be areseholes as well.

NiceGerbil · 19/03/2021 01:07

She didn't tell him off :/

She said this sort of low grade misogyny grates on her, on this thread.

PeggyHill · 19/03/2021 01:34

@NiceGerbil

Johanna when women say something has pissed them off then obviously the intent will be part of it.

This wasn't an old geezer it was a bloke the same age as the OP.

And old geezers can be areseholes as well.

No, you're on MN now - if an old geezer is being an arsehole it's just because he has dementia.
NiceGerbil · 19/03/2021 01:42

Not mental health problems?

Every day's a school day Grin

londonscalling · 19/03/2021 06:32

@donewithitalltodayandxmas

I live on dorset border not many use lovely that I have come across and maybe just maybe he doesn't come from dorset Darlin is often used in london by men and women of a certain age , changed to babe a lot more now for women Maybe some people wouldn't like being called my lovely etc He never used it in a detrimental way

I don't hear people in London calling each other babe!

GameofPhones · 19/03/2021 08:12

SleepingStandingUp

My colleague had lived in the North a long time, and well knew it was the local custom to address strangers as 'love'. My point is that, as a man, he recognised the patronising element in it and was having none of it himself. He was a notorious invader of women's personal space himself btw.

bruffin · 19/03/2021 09:01

I don't hear people in London calling each other babe!
No its darling or love

Lacucuracha · 19/03/2021 09:10

@SleepingStandingUp

GameofPhones
But it can be felt as over-familiar and patronising. I was with a male colleague once and the porter addressed him as 'love' (this was in the North). My colleague bristled immediately and said angrily 'I'm not your love'.

Is your colleague used to men refering to hi mas love? I'd assume if not it's more about his male who that being patronised.

So it’s ok for a man to be annoyed at being called ‘love’ but not ok for OP to be annoyed at being called ‘darling’?!

Are you even listening to yourself sleeping?!

You’re also making lots of typos, not sure if you’re trying to deliberately obfuscate your opinions by hiding behind typos. There are confusing typos in nearly all your posts now.

Lacucuracha · 19/03/2021 09:12

@bruffin

I don't hear people in London calling each other babe! No its darling or love
No, ‘darling’ is not common in London imo, I’ve lived here all my life.
SleepingStandingUp · 19/03/2021 09:22

[quote Lacucuracha]@SleepingStandingUp

GameofPhones
But it can be felt as over-familiar and patronising. I was with a male colleague once and the porter addressed him as 'love' (this was in the North). My colleague bristled immediately and said angrily 'I'm not your love'.

Is your colleague used to men refering to hi mas love? I'd assume if not it's more about his male who that being patronised.

So it’s ok for a man to be annoyed at being called ‘love’ but not ok for OP to be annoyed at being called ‘darling’?!

Are you even listening to yourself sleeping?!

You’re also making lots of typos, not sure if you’re trying to deliberately obfuscate your opinions by hiding behind typos. There are confusing typos in nearly all your posts now.[/quote]
At what point have I said it's not ok for op to dislike it? I've agreed that if it was someone she'd see more than once it's reasonable to tell him not to do it again. If her name was Margaret and the woman called her Marg she'd be well within her rights to dislike it and tell her not to do it. Or if her kid insisted on calling her Mama instead of Mom.

Her not liking that word doesn't make him a misogynistic arsehole who's sexually discriminating against her.

Two different issues.

And no, just sleep dep l, multitasking and not enough attention to red lines.

SleepingStandingUp · 19/03/2021 09:24

Re the man, i wasn't suggesting it was ok for him to take umbrage with it but not the pp, I was enquiring whether it was about the "ugh I'm a man, don't call me love, that's so gay, uugghhh" mentality which is worse. I mean I can tell pp her colleague was unreasonable but he's not in the conversation so...

Shortiemyboo · 19/03/2021 09:25

And unclench

everybodysang · 19/03/2021 09:29

I don't like it much. For the most part I think it's habit and not misogyny but there is a streak of it sometimes and I think that's why it makes me bristle (ie like OP says, people shouting 'show us your tits darling). In circumstances like the one you describe though, I definitely would just write it off. But I do understand why it can make you feel uncomfortable and there are circumstances where I would ask someone not to call me that.

I will make an exception for places (Stoke on Trent, Nottingham etc) where they call everyone 'duck' as I bloody love that.

Veterinari · 19/03/2021 09:30

@Besswess88
How does using the term 'darlin' whilst doing you a favour suggest a hatred of women? Confused

Terms like that are often colloquially quite normal.

Unless there's some unpleasant subtext here I think you're overthinking

udidasktho · 19/03/2021 09:59

OP, you're guilty of cultural snobbery, that's all. It's. completely normal in many parts of the country to use terms of endearment. It was usually love or pet where I'm from, and used by women as much as by men. If you want to rise above it, don't do it yourself, but don't censor others by inciting disapproval.

ButtonMoony · 19/03/2021 10:19

@Cherryblossom7

'Love' and 'dear' are definitely condescending terms when used by strangers esp. men.

'Darlin' might just be equivalent of a man calling another man 'mate'- he sort of had to address you in some way really.

Women call men love and dear all the time where I am.

Plus darling, treasure, duck, chick. A woman in a shop near us always greets my husband as "handsome"

I guess a man giving a woman her shopping and saying "there you go beautiful " would make some posters on here heads explode.

Way to much over thinking going on. Any who sees any misogyny in this needs a serious word with themselves

Ovine · 19/03/2021 10:27

@udidasktho

OP, you're guilty of cultural snobbery, that's all. It's. completely normal in many parts of the country to use terms of endearment. It was usually love or pet where I'm from, and used by women as much as by men. If you want to rise above it, don't do it yourself, but don't censor others by inciting disapproval.
Do men where you're from habitually address one another as 'love' or 'pet'?
MistressoftheDarkSide · 19/03/2021 11:21

Managed the first six pages then wilted.

Trained backstage in theatre and I fling all sorts of endearments around but am obviously mindful of context and situation. Man in OP using darlin' - a fleeting moment of human connection. But OP can feel how they like about it. Man using darlin' in a belittling or sneery way - worthy of riposte. All about the context.

I sometimes wonder if we'll end up in a world of mute paralysis for fear of offence. Like that film where everyone is super nice and polite and they're eliminating the weakest on the side and they need one person every ten years or something to look at history, and in the end this last shaman breaks free, because of course emotions and perceptions are controlled pharmaceutically, right down to not being able to see the world in colour, and he stops taking the tablets and realises what he's missing.

Or maybe we'll have electronic devices that shock us when we deviate from the "approved script".

Funny old world sometimes ain't it?