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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Does this piss you off or AIBU?

642 replies

Besswess88 · 17/03/2021 22:18

Today in a shop I dropped something out of my pocket at the self service, I knew I had but before I had a chance to pick it up a kindly man behind me said “you’ve dropped your card darlin” (my age, mid forties).

I know in the scheme of things it’s not important but anyone else absolutely hate being called “terms of endearment” by absolute strangers, esp when they are men.

It’s that low level misogyny that just grates on me.

OP posts:
buckeejit · 18/03/2021 18:11

OP, I'm with you - it would have pissed me off. And I think there is some (subconscious) misogyny in it. If you were a man, do you think he'd' ve called you darlin? I doubt it.

SleepingStandingUp · 18/03/2021 18:15

@NiceGerbil

Lol nanny

I watched singing in the rain the other day

'hey mister?' sounds like something from that!

Very funny.

Does sir go with madam?

And lady with gentleman?

But no, no one round here says 'excuse me sir' 🤣🤣🤣

DS, 5, says lady. Hello Lady, what's your name? His would be man. Thankfully not darling
SleepingStandingUp · 18/03/2021 18:17

@IntermittentParps

I find myself interested in why men manage to refrain from saying 'something nice' to other men, in the same way they manage not to wolfwhistle them or say 'Give us a smile, love.'

Precisely what I was trying to get across!

But they would say something like "mate" which would constitute something nice and would be something they probably wouldn't call a woman.
Original poster
Besswess88 · 18/03/2021 18:28

Wow that exploded 🤣🤣

My husband is from the North East where everyone calls me love, that’s fine that’s what they do it’s not because I am blonde with huge tits, they call everyone love.

Anyway some peyote get what I mean.

I didn’t buy a bathroom from a sake an once because he repeatedly called me “sweetheart” and showed me (rather than my OH) how to remove the toilet seat in order to clean it with ease.

OP posts:
Original poster
Besswess88 · 18/03/2021 18:29

*salesman

OP posts:
cerseii · 18/03/2021 18:32

In that context I wouldn’t call it low level misogyny at all. What an overreaction

It would be low level if he was man-splaining something and being patronising.

Okbussitout · 18/03/2021 18:38

I don't like men I don't know using terms of endearment. But not something I every do anything about.

Original poster
Besswess88 · 18/03/2021 18:39

But it IS patronising.

OP posts:
annonnymous · 18/03/2021 18:42

Misogyny this is not. It's a bit old fashioned, but harmless. Pet, love, hun. Might annoy some, but most people don't find it worth noticing

Concestor · 18/03/2021 18:47

I find it sexist and belittling and don't like it. I'm in the South East. There's no need to call strangers darling, it's really odd.

user7891011 · 18/03/2021 21:11

Get over yourself

cerseii · 18/03/2021 21:17

It’s really not. You’re cheapening the argument against misogyny

corlan · 18/03/2021 21:37

I think you're absolutely right that some men use words like 'darling' in a patronising way. It's so tied up with a person's age and where they come from though - it can be an absolute minefield. My main rule is that no man younger than me gets to call me 'love' or 'darling' and escape without a flea in his ear.

1Morewineplease · 18/03/2021 21:51

Bloody hell... he was just being kind!
Are we all supposed to banish local dialects,language and figures of speech in order to make people feel right on?
He wasn't being mysoginistic ... just reflecting the language of his area.
Strongly suggest that you don't visit The Black Country/Cumbria/Northumberland ( to name but a few) ... you'll drown in lovely pronouns, nouns, adjectives.
Have a good evening my lovely!

Original poster
Besswess88 · 18/03/2021 22:26

He WAS NOT reflecting on the language of his area.

I live in Dorset, we call each other lovely here, not darling.

The guy was doing a nice thing, I just don’t like being called darlin’ by a man I don’t know, it didn’t ruin my day but it’s where misogyny starts.

OP posts:
Ineedcoffee2021 · 18/03/2021 22:32

Oh but OP, dont ya know, we supposed to like it, if not we evil and its all poor menz
How dare we have an opinion on how we addressed by strangers

SleepingStandingUp · 18/03/2021 23:15

No one is saying op should like it, people are saying it's not misogynistic to tell someone they dropped their bank card and use a word that's non offensive but that they happen to dislike. Sounds like if he'd called her lovely she wouldn't have minded as that "acceptable" locally which ruins all previous posters arguements that he is a misogynistic dick sexually discriminating against op because he used a feminine identifier.

Cherryblossom7 · 18/03/2021 23:23

'Love' and 'dear' are definitely condescending terms when used by strangers esp. men.

'Darlin' might just be equivalent of a man calling another man 'mate'- he sort of had to address you in some way really.

NiceGerbil · 18/03/2021 23:40

Besswess I know where you're coming from.

It's a long thread so I don't know if you read all the comments.

You made me realise something though.

I don't mind this stuff now. I'm in the age of invisibility though and generally can go about without the states, eyes up and down, beeping, stuff yelled from cars etc etc and all the rest.

I said YABU then I thought back 20, 30 years. I would have been really pissed off and 100% YANBU. Reason being that it was one thing on top of everything else. It was there all the time and I hated it. Cheer up darling! Gissa smile! Let me buy you a drink. No? Why not? Why the fuck not it's just a fucking drink. Oh look you're showing me your cock on the tube.. etc etc etc etc

So this would have fucked me off. Not because he was evil or something but because I just wanted to be left alone while going about my life.

I have read on here a lot about Street harassment and I think it varies a lot depending on where you live. And so I think a lot of women maybe don't understand how in some areas it's a constant backdrop and how pissed off you get.

melj1213 · 18/03/2021 23:45

Love' and 'dear' are definitely condescending terms when used by strangers esp. men.

Maybe to you, but not universally.

Where I live "Love" and "dear" are used daily bu men of all ages and they are in no way universally condescending.

SleepingStandingUp · 18/03/2021 23:53

but because I just wanted to be left alone while going about my life so would you have been annoyed he said "you've dropped your card darlin " or that he pointed it out to her?

NiceGerbil · 18/03/2021 23:55

Yes.

Why not say you've dropped your card

Or

Excuse me you've dropped your card

Or

Whoops! You've dropped your card.

Not tricky.

That's what most people would say at least where I live.

donewithitalltodayandxmas · 19/03/2021 00:21

@NiceGerbil because thats not obviously how the guy talks and thats ok
Loads of the women I know now say hun or babe , bloody annoying but there you go
He wasn't rude so I really can't see big deal , why can't we all accept people are different

donewithitalltodayandxmas · 19/03/2021 00:24

I live on dorset border not many use lovely that I have come across and maybe just maybe he doesn't come from dorset
Darlin is often used in london by men and women of a certain age , changed to babe a lot more now for women
Maybe some people wouldn't like being called my lovely etc
He never used it in a detrimental way

NiceGerbil · 19/03/2021 00:29

No it isn't, he says darling to women, but not men..