Page 12 | Does this piss you off or AIBU?

Besswess88 · 2021-03-17T22:18:38+00:00

Today in a shop I dropped something out of my pocket at the self service, I knew I had but before I had a chance to pick it up a kindly man behind me said “you’ve dropped your card darlin” (my age, mid forties). I know in the scheme of things it’s not important but anyone else absolutely hate being called “terms of endearment” by absolute strangers, esp when they are men. It’s that low level misogyny that just grates on me.

bruffin · 18/03/2021 10:14

The polite thing to do is to wait and see if the person picks it up themselves.
Dont be ridiculous

IntermittentParps · 18/03/2021 10:17

We had a tradesman here a while ago (youngish man), who called us all – me (female), lodger (female) and my DP (male) 'mate', which I rather liked.

bruffin · 18/03/2021 10:18

I have no issue with love as it is a regional thing, but I really hate darling, or even worse babe
Love and babe are regional they are very London/southest

SillyLittleBiscuit · 18/03/2021 10:20

You’re allowed to hate it OP. Just because others are ok with it doesn’t mean you have to be.

LindaEllen · 18/03/2021 10:22

He could have picked it up and gone mad spending on contactless, but he didn't, he told you about it.

It's just a word ffs.

Clarich007 · 18/03/2021 10:23

YABU.
I like it personally, but i'm from Yorkshire and It's very common up her Even men call each other love sometimes.
I don't think he meant to offend you

SimplyMarvellousDarrrrrrling · 18/03/2021 10:24

Fucking hell, your head would explode if you lived near me
Take it for what it is not for what you want to see it as
Tone is everything
My lover, duck, chick, darling, sweat heart whatever, , if it comes from a kind place just let it go

nokidshere · 18/03/2021 10:37

@Besswess88 why didn't you just say thank you (for noticing I'd dropped my card) but please don't call me darlin'?

KarmaStar · 18/03/2021 10:43

You're a happy soul.

RunningFromInsanity · 18/03/2021 10:50

It must be exhausting being you

SleepingStandingUp · 18/03/2021 10:51

@IntermittentParps

I do think 'darling' is a bit off when it's men saying it to women, because I suspect they wouldn't say it to another man.

I am also an East Midlander and I love 'duck' because it's completely non-discriminatory: a young woman can say it to an older woman, an older man to a young woman, a young man to an older man...

So what about Mister or Miss?

Hey Mister, you've dropped your wallet
Hey Miss, you've dropped your purse

Somehow I suspect only one group is expected to be offended bad it isn't the men been referred to by a word based on their sex

If you're a woman, being called a name that identifies you as a woman isn't offensive
It isn't offensive to be recognised as a woman assuming you aren't being treated any differently for it

Would he have refused to have told a man that they'd dropped their card? Would he have said anything different bar mate instead? Highly doubtful

skirk64 · 18/03/2021 11:01

I guess the moral of the story is, if you see someone drop something then just keep your mouth shut. Better they are massively inconvenienced by losing their wallet/phone/child's teddy than risking them feeling you are a horrible piece of work because you draw their attention to it in a friendly manner.

Also, if you see someone collapse in the street, just walk on by - they might be upset that you intervened.

Ovine · 18/03/2021 11:08

@skirk64

I guess the moral of the story is, if you see someone drop something then just keep your mouth shut. Better they are massively inconvenienced by losing their wallet/phone/child's teddy than risking them feeling you are a horrible piece of work because you draw their attention to it in a friendly manner.

Also, if you see someone collapse in the street, just walk on by - they might be upset that you intervened.

Or, 'If you see someone drop their wallet, just say 'Hey, you dropped your wallet!'

No form of address necessary. I'm willing to bet that if the OP had been male, the helpful man would have managed not to address him as 'darlin'. It seems weirdly easy for men to refrain from addressing other men as 'darlin'.

SJWsAtItAgain · 18/03/2021 11:11

@therocinante

Gosh some sour Susans around on this thread aren't there!?

No, OP, YANBU, I hate it too. It's cutesy and annoying - they wouldn't call a man something affectionate without knowing them.

Ooh, hope you don't have a problem with 'Karen'.

Poor Susans.

PlumpAndDeliciousFatcat · 18/03/2021 11:22

Those of you who say you call everyone by a term of endearment, do you address your GP as 'sweetheart'? Your child's teacher at a parent-teacher meeting? Your MP? The CEO of your company?

I assume you're hoping to make a point about class here but I think that misses the point. It's more a question of formality, and of course it would be inappropriate to use a term of endearment towards those people in a formal or professional setting. It's also misleading to compare a short informal interaction, with a passer-by or a shopkeeper, with a longer formal conversation.

Broadly speaking this is a clash between those who feel that passing interactions between strangers should be formal in order to show respect, and those who feel that they should be informal and that this connotes friendliness. Neither is necessarily wrong.

JohnMiddleNameRedactedSwanson · 18/03/2021 11:24

Or, 'If you see someone drop their wallet, just say 'Hey, you dropped your wallet!'

Ha. After years of indoctrination with 'hey is for horses' I would find 'hey' in that context ruder than 'darling'. I'd like an 'excuse me' either way, please.

IntermittentParps · 18/03/2021 11:24

Sleeping, the distinction is that 'Mister' can only be used for someone male and 'Miss' only for someone female. There's no real element of choice.

With 'darling' there is a choice, and my issue with it is that IME and IMO men will not tend to use it for other men.

Would he have refused to have told a man that they'd dropped their card? Um, I didn't suggest that, no.

Would he have said anything different bar mate instead? Highly doubtful Well, that's exactly the point isn't it? He wouldn't use 'darling' for a man. By definition that's sexist discrimination.

IntermittentParps · 18/03/2021 11:26

Broadly speaking this is a clash between those who feel that passing interactions between strangers should be formal in order to show respect, and those who feel that they should be informal and that this connotes friendliness.

It's more a clash between those who don't like being called things that are only used for one gender, and those who don't mind.

SimplyMarvellousDarrrrrrling · 18/03/2021 11:26

@skirk64

I guess the moral of the story is, if you see someone drop something then just keep your mouth shut. Better they are massively inconvenienced by losing their wallet/phone/child's teddy than risking them feeling you are a horrible piece of work because you draw their attention to it in a friendly manner.

Also, if you see someone collapse in the street, just walk on by - they might be upset that you intervened.

Or alternatively, start doing star jumps to get their attention, once gained clamp one hand firmly over your mouth whist gesturing dramatically towards the dropped object 😂 Don't forget the double thumbs up once they've retrieved it though, it's only polite

Ovine · 18/03/2021 11:30

@PlumpAndDeliciousFatcat

Those of you who say you call everyone by a term of endearment, do you address your GP as 'sweetheart'? Your child's teacher at a parent-teacher meeting? Your MP? The CEO of your company?

I assume you're hoping to make a point about class here but I think that misses the point. It's more a question of formality, and of course it would be inappropriate to use a term of endearment towards those people in a formal or professional setting. It's also misleading to compare a short informal interaction, with a passer-by or a shopkeeper, with a longer formal conversation.

Broadly speaking this is a clash between those who feel that passing interactions between strangers should be formal in order to show respect, and those who feel that they should be informal and that this connotes friendliness. Neither is necessarily wrong.

No, it wasn't about class. (I'm WC, as is DH and we both hold those types of position, which, fortunately, are no longer middle-class bastions.) What I'm really asking is whether the people who have claimed on the thread that they address literally everyone as 'pet'/'love'/ whatever would do so in all possible encounters between people (and some people have said yes, they would.)

My point is that people make snap interior judgements about what kind of familiarity is called for/not called for in different situations, and that these judgements are gendered. 'Mate' is not equivalent to 'darling.'

MercurytoLibra · 18/03/2021 11:31

I call everyone Lovely or Sweetpea I’m
From Central London. I loved it when I went to Newcastle and I got called flower.

IntermittentParps · 18/03/2021 11:33

I loved it when I went to Newcastle and I got called flower.

I didn't know about 'flower'. I think that's great
I lived in Glasgow for a while and admit I loved being addressed as 'hen', although a fair few Scottish women I knew who'd grown up with it disliked it. One friend used to do chicken noises and flap her 'wings' .

SausageBee · 18/03/2021 11:34

Im from the South East and im terrible with names. So will often refer directly to people as sweetie, darling or poppet.

Gosh. Im just a hater of all things that breathe by the OPs terms.

OP... just because you do not like something domestic mean you have to attach a label to it. What you have experienced is not misogyny in my opinion

Poppynit · 18/03/2021 11:36

I definitely don’t think being southern has anything to do with it, being from the south west most people here are referred to as “love/lover/lovey” 😂

BlackeyedSusan · 18/03/2021 11:38

everyone was duck where I was from.