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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Please tell me I’m not the worst person in the world

128 replies

The90swereadecadeago · 17/03/2021 16:29

I feel like the worst person in the world and I suppose I’m writing this because I am just in a bad place and want to hear it’s (kind of) normal.

Sorry this is so long.

My two best friends have told me they’re pregnant. One just today and one last week and I am upset and jealous. Me and my partner have been trying for so long and I am obviously happy for them, but I feel such a pang of jealousy that I hate myself for it.

When my first friend told me last week, I cried myself to sleep. I know it’s pathetic but I started sobbing so loudly, I had to take my pillow into the loo and just sob into it so my husband didn’t hear me. Now my other friend has Whatsapped me her news today, I just cried whilst trying to write work emails. (I’ve logged off now) I’ve left it on read too so I know I have to reply soon but I just can’t, I feel so deeply sad.

I was diagnosed a few years ago with endometriosis after having been fobbed off by GPs for years. In the end the scar tissue was so bad that I had to have surgery to remove it but a lot of it is on my ligaments and they couldn’t remove all of it for fear of causing mobility issues. I was then put on Zoladex injections for a year and then given the Mirena coil to treat it.

I spoke to my GP about removing it so my husband and I could start trying for a baby but I was worried about leaving my endo untreated. No GP could give me any useful advice about what was best, so we just decided to remove it and try for a baby.

After a year with nothing I went to my GP and was advised to call and book a nurse appointment on the first day of my next period and they’ll test my hormones but I could never get an appointment on the day (as I suspected).

Then COVID hit and we just carried on trying and nothing. So we’ve been trying about 2 years now and I think I’m just exhausted, upset and angry.

I feel like my sex life is just too regimented and planned on the best days to conceive and it’s not enjoyable anymore. I’m so so very angry, because I feel like I should have got a diagnosis sooner or should’ve come off the coil sooner. I blame the GPs. I feel like it’s never going to happen and the jealously I’m feeling is so consuming that I just can’t stop crying (secretly). I haven’t told anyone how I feel, even my husband, as I don’t want to look like a bitch (I’m really not).

The friend who told me about her pregnancy last week wants me to organise a baby shower for her and I don’t think I’m up to it, I know that’s awful.

Has anyone else felt like this? 😢

OP posts:

Lougle · 17/03/2021 16:33

You are not selfish. You are human. I hope you get your dream soon, but in the meantime, cut yourself some slack.

Original poster

The90swereadecadeago · 17/03/2021 16:35

Thank you🌹 I suppose it’s because neither of them really tried or wanted children up until recently so I just feel it’s so unfair...and then I feel bad for thinking that.

OP posts:

DinosaurDiana · 17/03/2021 16:35

You are not the worst person in the world, you are normal 🤞🏻keep going 💐

HypnoRuler · 17/03/2021 16:36

Understandable, YANBU.

Does your friend know you are trying. If so, maybe explain to her that it is difficult for you to arrange

BrumBoo · 17/03/2021 16:36

I'm so sorry. Do your friends know your struggles in getting pregnant? If they do, they've been very insensitive, especially in regards of asking you to organise a baby shower. If not, and they're good friends, tell them you're struggling at least. Good friends, pregnant or not, should be understanding.

FairyAnn · 17/03/2021 16:37

I've been in a similar position to you OP and it is so very hard. You want to be happy for your friends but at the same time, it's soul destroying.

July advice would be to speak to your friends, and husband, about how you are feeling. I know it's not easy but I felt the same as you - didn't want to attend baby showers - and talking about it meant my friends understood my reasoning without thinking I was fobbing them off. Infertility is not your fault and nothing to be ashamed of

Orchidflower1 · 17/03/2021 16:37

You’re not awful, you’re sad and that’s a normal emotion that you are allowed.

I would say no to the shower - that’s too much.

Original poster

The90swereadecadeago · 17/03/2021 16:37

Thank you, both of you have set me off with you’re kind words 💐 I’m such an emotional wreck ☺️

OP posts:

elsaesmeralda · 17/03/2021 16:38

As a pp said - you are human. I've been trying for my second for coming on 4 years now, was diagnosed with pcos and currently going through ivf so I know how hard it is when a pregnancy announcement comes. It's more grieving for what you want and can't have, why is it so easy for some people yet I can't ? It's always going to sting but you need to get into the frame of mind that everyone's situation is different and maybe focus on how you can hopefully make it happen. I know for me the ivf has given me something to focus on, I know it's not guaranteed to work but it beats month after month of negative pregnancy tests and agonising over why it isn't happening.
It does get easier btw, I find the hardest but is the announcement, I'm usually okay again after a couple of days

confused14453 · 17/03/2021 16:38

YANBU 💐
Presumably the friend who has asked you to arrange the baby shower is aware of these issues and if that is the case then she is extremely insensitive.

Mumdiva99 · 17/03/2021 16:40

Bless you. I agree with others. Be kind to you. Make sure your friend know you love them and support them - but you are going through a tough time TTC yourself. And don't try to organise the baby shower. Let someone else do it.

Original poster

The90swereadecadeago · 17/03/2021 16:40

My friends know we are trying but don’t know all the details and for how long (me and my husband are generally private people)

OP posts:

Original poster

The90swereadecadeago · 17/03/2021 16:42

I've been in a similar position to you OP and it is so very hard. You want to be happy for your friends but at the same time, it's soul destroying.

Thank you. 🌸 I need to talk to my husband I don’t know why I find it hard. I’ll have to open up more to my friends too so they understand why I’m being a bit distant.

OP posts:

Original poster

The90swereadecadeago · 17/03/2021 16:43

I would say no to the shower - that’s too much.

I feel like right now I can’t even attend but I know I should make the effort.

OP posts:

Original poster

The90swereadecadeago · 17/03/2021 16:44

It's more grieving for what you want and can't have, why is it so easy for some people yet I can't ?

Thank you @elsaesmeralda that’s exactly how it feels

OP posts:

Marshmellowx3 · 17/03/2021 16:47

YANBU.

Trying to conceive can be a real soul destroying experience if it doesn't happen easily, especially when most of us spent our younger years trying to prevent it and believing that if we missed even one pill/did it once unprotected it was almost guaranteed to happen. I know it does for some, but the reality is for a lot it is just not that easy.

I am lucky that I have not been in your position directly, as in to have people close to me announcing a pregnancy whilst I was trying. However, it took me nearly a year the first time and it badly affected my relationship. We argued a lot, the stress of it was almost unbearable. I used to feel irrationally irritated a lot too, so I completely understand how consuming it can be. That pregnancy sadly ended in a miscarriage just before 12 weeks. I remember afterwards seeing people smoking whilst they were pregnant/not looking after themselves/even people who I went to school with who were horrible people proudly displaying their bumps or their babies and just feeling pure burning rage that it worked out for them but not me. You are allowed to have these feelings OP, life does feel so unfair sometimes.

My story has a happy ending - I have my daughter now but the journey there was not an easy one. Do not be fobbed off anymore. Tell your GP how much this is taking over your life and the mental impact it is having on you. Have hope - there are ways to go about this, and it is not unheard of for people to have been trying for 2 plus years to conceive.

And tell your friend you cannot do the baby shower. that is the last thing you need!

Good luck

Bellyups · 17/03/2021 16:47

YABU

Odile13 · 17/03/2021 16:48

I think you are being way too hard on yourself OP! Your feelings are natural and normal, it’s nothing to do with being nasty or a ‘bitch’. Talk to your husband to get some support. At an appropriate time I think I’d tell your friends that while you’re delighted for them, you’re struggling with your own situation. If they’re nice people they should understand and it might make them moderate how much they tell you about their pregnancies which would probably be helpful for your mental health.

elenacampana · 17/03/2021 16:48

Hey OP. We were trying for 1.5 years and I felt exactly like you - I could barely acknowledge pregnancies let alone organise a baby shower. If your friend knows what you’re going through, she should never have asked.

The way you feel is normal and justifiable. Be kind to yourself. You’re not pathetic, you’re brave.

Marshmellowx3 · 17/03/2021 16:49

@Bellyups Don't be a dick.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 17/03/2021 16:50

I would talk to your friends and let them know how long you have been trying and how difficult it is for you. She needs to find someone else to arrange her baby shower.

Don't be too disheartened …. we tried for 4 years and thought it would never happen, started to plan a life that didn't involve children, then I fell pregnant naturally with twins.

elenacampana · 17/03/2021 16:51

@Bellyups

What @Marshmellowx3 said.

Rainyday4321 · 17/03/2021 16:53

You poor love. It’s really tough and how you are feeling is normal. Have been through similar, and know friends have worried about telling me about their pregnancies. And I have hated not being happy for them immediately.

It’s not your fault or their fault you just find yourself in different places.

Do tell your husband- it will help to be able to talk about it. We skipped something’s together when we were struggling- the family day with school friends when we didn’t have a family was not something we could face.

Take care of yourself

notalwaysalondoner · 17/03/2021 16:53

I’m sorry. I agree with others about opening up to your friends, it made me feel so much better after my miscarriages.

But what’s shouting out to me is your lack of medical support. You need to push for a referral now, not wait for a blood test that might never happen. Could you afford to go private, it might be worth at least having a call about if they could do some tests then refer you back to an NHS consultant, you often don’t have to go private the whole way through treatment.

Ki0612 · 17/03/2021 16:59

I have endometriosis which was only diagnosed after ttc. They tested my oh which came back with issues but didn't test me. Every month was getting worse i was throwing up in pain it was horrific. At that point they tested and diagnosed me. I was advised to go back on the pill while waiting for ivf as the pain was unbareable. Long story short for our second we paid for ivf as i couldn't be off the pill long term due to the pain. Are they offering you any fertility treatment? Would it be doable to go on the pill to manage pain in the meantime?

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