Please tell me I’m not the worst person in the world

[The90swereadecadeago]

I feel like the worst person in the world and I suppose I’m writing this because I am just in a bad place and want to hear it’s (kind of) normal.

Sorry this is so long.

My two best friends have told me they’re pregnant. One just today and one last week and I am upset and jealous. Me and my partner have been trying for so long and I am obviously happy for them, but I feel such a pang of jealousy that I hate myself for it.

When my first friend told me last week, I cried myself to sleep. I know it’s pathetic but I started sobbing so loudly, I had to take my pillow into the loo and just sob into it so my husband didn’t hear me. Now my other friend has Whatsapped me her news today, I just cried whilst trying to write work emails. (I’ve logged off now) I’ve left it on read too so I know I have to reply soon but I just can’t, I feel so deeply sad.

I was diagnosed a few years ago with endometriosis after having been fobbed off by GPs for years. In the end the scar tissue was so bad that I had to have surgery to remove it but a lot of it is on my ligaments and they couldn’t remove all of it for fear of causing mobility issues. I was then put on Zoladex injections for a year and then given the Mirena coil to treat it.

I spoke to my GP about removing it so my husband and I could start trying for a baby but I was worried about leaving my endo untreated. No GP could give me any useful advice about what was best, so we just decided to remove it and try for a baby.

After a year with nothing I went to my GP and was advised to call and book a nurse appointment on the first day of my next period and they’ll test my hormones but I could never get an appointment on the day (as I suspected).

Then COVID hit and we just carried on trying and nothing. So we’ve been trying about 2 years now and I think I’m just exhausted, upset and angry.

I feel like my sex life is just too regimented and planned on the best days to conceive and it’s not enjoyable anymore. I’m so so very angry, because I feel like I should have got a diagnosis sooner or should’ve come off the coil sooner. I blame the GPs. I feel like it’s never going to happen and the jealously I’m feeling is so consuming that I just can’t stop crying (secretly). I haven’t told anyone how I feel, even my husband, as I don’t want to look like a bitch (I’m really not).

The friend who told me about her pregnancy last week wants me to organise a baby shower for her and I don’t think I’m up to it, I know that’s awful.

Has anyone else felt like this? 😢

Don't feel guilty. You're allowed to feel happy for someone else but really sad for yourself. It's so tough, I totally get it

OP - I’m so sad for you.
You’ve had excellent advice above.
I have one fully blocked Fallopian tube. I didn’t know til I went for ivf at 41 ( I’d had a full term stillborn baby and at least two early miscarriages at 6 weeks).
I also have adenomyosis.
It’s not the same as you, I know.
Here’s what I’d do (and I don’t know if you drink, so apologies for the suggestions).
Have a heart to heart with your partner, get all the anger and sadness out. Cry it out.
Talk to your friends too. It’s ok to have sadness and happiness for them.
If they are good friends they will get it.
I have a DD (not from IVF) but conceived naturally a few months after. I’d given up drinking etc for the IVF and given up on having a baby and after a couple of drinks one night, bam!
It was the same with my other full term pregnancy- I stopped trying to conceive (I’d decided I needed a new job first, relaxed and bam!).
I’m trying to say that the body is a funny thing - thousands of people say they fall pregnant when they didn’t want to - when life was fun, or they weren’t concentrating on becoming pregnant. I’m no pregnancy guru but I wonder if the body thinks something like this “I’m in a stressful situation (trying to conceive) and therefore I need to be ready to run/hide etc whenever I can, so I’m not getting pregnant).
If that sounds a bit “woo” I’m actually a very logical person- so I wonder if my overthinking made me more stressed.
You know that “they” say more girls are conceived in times “of plenty” and boys in more trying circumstances.
Apparently.
Anyway... I hope if nothing else I’ve lightened the mood.
When restrictions lift can you go away for a weekend or time away around when you’d conceive but don’t talk about it and just do whatever would be really relaxing for you both

Why does feeling upset and crying make you a bad person?

Perfectly normal, having a rough time, stay strong and be assertive

I’ve been there and it’s really tough. It’s actually really normal. You aren’t a bad person.

Been where you are lovely. A miscarriage, a stillborn daughter and then found out he wasn’t ovulating. When people told me they were pregnant they may as well have been punching me in the face. I couldn’t even pretend to be happy.
Clomid means I have my beautiful boy now but it was hard for years.
Please tell your friends. If they’re good friends they’ll understand.
And also, who asks someone to organise a baby shower ? I know it’s not the point but doesn’t it normally fall to family ?

Be gentle on yourself xxx

What you are feeling is so normal for someone in your position

Don't feel you have to tell your friends all the details if you don't want to but it might help if you say that babies are a bit of an emotional subject for you just so they are aware.

Surely if they have only just told you there is no need for any kind of baby shower planning for months? Even without your circumstances you wouldn't be a bad person not to be rushing to do that.
Give yourself some time off the trying. My cycles (and pregnancies) never matched up with when conceiving should have been possible. Our bodies are all very different.

Hey, you're absolutely not the worst person in the world. Infertility is horrendous and unless you've experienced it you can't imagine the pain. Your feelings are completely normal. I wouldn't do the baby shower if it would distress you too much. If your friend knows of your struggles its completely unfair to put this on you xx

@HalfTermHalfTerm

You’re not the worst person in the world at all. Not even in the slightest. I hope things change for you soon

On a slightly different note, is it not really cheeky to ask someone to organise a baby shower for you? Surely it’s like any sort of party (unless it’s a surprise), if you want one you do it yourself?!

IMHO baby showers are cheeky anyway...But that’s a whole other discussion.

You are NOT the worst person in the world, or anything like it. Have a on me. This must be a very difficult time for you.

I would personally send them a message explaining how you feel. I would say something like:

‘Congratulations! I’m over the moon for you. As you are aware (or not depending on if you’ve told them?) I’ve been trying for a while with no results just yet. So please don’t take offence if now and then I duck out of baby-related things if I’m having a bad day with it, or need to mentally recharge. Im still thrilled for you and hope in time we will all be meeting with our babies! Lots of love’

I think it will save a lot of hurt feelings later down the line. Keep the channels of communication open, be honest about your feelings and push for that medical referral

I've been there op. We were TTC for 5 years, had failed ivfs and anytime anyone told me they were pregnant I felt horrifically jealous and cried and cried. I then felt awful for feeling the way I was feeling.
One friend who knew what we were going through fell pregnant her first month of TTC and sent me a picture of her positive test as her way of telling me. I cried for so long. She even asked me to organise her baby shower but I just couldn't face it. I ended up distancing myself from her to protect my mental health and sadly we no longer speak. The issues were my own and looking back I could have handled situations like that so differently, but at the time when you're living it, as bad as it sounds, I really struggled to be happy for people as I was just overwhelmed with sadness for myself. I also think sending me a picture of her test was insensitive given she knew what we were going through.

I only tell you this so you know your feelings are totally valid and your mental health is what matters most. So don't do anything you think you couldn't handle, like throwing her a baby shower. If shes a good enough friend she will understand.

Good luck and sending lots of baby dust

What you’re feeling is totally normal considering your current circumstances. I have been where you are and it’s like despair is mixed with anxiety and the more you push it down the worse it becomes mentally . The more you repress your feelings the more it builds up and up, and filters into every aspect of your life. when I finally shared my feelings with my husband it was a lot better for me and he was there for me and I for him. He also helped me come up with ideas for excuses for not seeing people when I needed it. Sometimes you’ve just got to fib a bit to not inflict pain on yourself, until you feel like you want to talk to your friends about it. And if you never feel like you want to share with them that’s ok but if you husband is a good man (as I’m sure he is) share with him. You’re a team. I’m sure he’d want to know how you feel and be there for you. The thought of you stifling your tears into a pillow makes me so sad I remember it well. Your husband would be heartbroken to know you were that sad and alone and he couldn’t cuddle you. Let him take care of you. Share your thoughts with him, cry and let yourself breathe. You would want him to come to you if he was so upset. Let him be there for you xx

Oh @The90swereadecadeago
It's just so shit and you are not a terrible person. You need to let the feelings out and sometimes a good day is needed.
Talk to your dh and your friend if you can.
Speak to the gp about pushing for fertility referral. I requested some advice through the go surgeries online form and it worked well. Hospitals will be taking more "normal " referrals now so dont let covid stop you any further.
I've been there too and it's so hard. I 2as at a party and a relative made some flippant comment and how easy it was for her to get pregnant and I remember holding it together till I got home and then just sobbing

*a good cry not a good day

You're not the worst person in the world. You are completely normal. Get onto WhatsApp and say congratulations, so pleased for you. Then take yourself off for another cry.

The friend who wants you to organise a baby shower, could you confide in her and say you would really struggle. If not, maybe work is going to be too busy in the next few months and you just couldn't do it justice.

What you're feeling is so normal. My friend is going through IVF at the minute and I had to tell her that I'm pregnant. I told her through text to give her time to process it, I won't be having a baby shower because they're a load of wank but I wouldn't even expect her to come if I did let alone arrange it. I'm so glad she's still able to chat to me, but I don't bring up the pregnancy and neither does she. I get to still be just me, and she gets to not have to hear boring pregnancy details for works for both of us! I hope your friends have the sense to know that you don't want to hear about every kick and scan.

You may not be able to manage being as happy for them as you otherwise would be but you are a very long way from being the worst person in the world. You're not even 'not a very nice person' territory. You wish it could be you and that is a totally normal emotion in the circumstances.

Hi all, sorry for disappearing, I’ve just been having a tough time. I’ve read all the replies since my last post and want to say thank you for every one (well except one but I ignored that).

I’ve been having really bad endo pain recently, it has been getting worse and when I go to the loo (sorry TMI) the pain is intense. My last period was just a couple of spots and lasted a few hours and I’m nearly 3 weeks late with this one (not pregnant) so coupled with that and a couple of night sweats I’m sick with worry I’ve started the menopause early and so I keep crying all the time.

Then to add to this my ‘baby shower friend’ was a bit funny with me not wanting to organise her baby shower for her and things are still a little strained. She messaged to say she’d passed my number to another friend and she was going to call me so we could arrange it together, but I said no and now things are frosty.

Also whilst picking up some groceries I had the misfortune to bump into a family friend I’ve always disliked and she was telling me about her daughter who has recently got engaged etc and then she says, “so when you having children then... or are you barren?”and laughed! Why is this a decent thing to say to another human? Anyway, I just walked off and left her stood there open mouthed and then had a call from my Mother asking what’s wrong with me and why I was so rude, so I told her straight and she mumbled something about she probably didn’t mean it (...sure Jan)

So with all that I’ve been a bit of an emotional mess, got a phone consultation with my GP but just feel so lost and fed up.

@The90swereadecadeago I can’t stand this notion that you should suppress your own feelings of something awful you’re going through to ‘support’ a friend who is going through a wonderful positive thing. It may be your friendship with this person isn’t going to survive if she can’t see that being funny with you for not wanting to organise her a baby shower when your struggling to conceive is wrong of her. Unfortunately I would stick to your guns and refuse to be involved as if you force yourself through it it’s likely you will end up resenting her and the friendship anyway as she will have put you through a lot. You have to put yourself first especially if there’s a chance you’re going to need to go through invasive fertility treatment. I’m so lucky my friendship group don’t do baby showers thank god as I wouldn’t have been able to handle it (I’m now the last out of all my friends, work colleagues and DH friends without a baby).

@Krazynights34 I don’t see how it lightens the mood to tell people ttc that if they ‘just relax’ they will get pregnant. How does blaming the woman that she would be pregnant if she just relaxed help? So if she’s not relaxed it’s her own fault she isn’t pregnant? I was perfectly relaxed for the first year of ttc as I knew it can take that long and I didn’t get pregnant. And how exactly will me relaxing improve my husbands awful sperm now we’ve found out that is the issue? Or if a woman has two block tubes/ no tubes due to ectopic both of which are cases I’ve read about on here. How will relaxing help them? I’ve also had multiple consultations with fertility experts who all say the stress link is nonsense and if it was true how do women conceive in war zones etc. Please don’t trot out meaningless platitudes that just put more pressure on women.

@The90swereadecadeago I would consider going private for all tests if the wait list is too long. If finances allow. Tests can be around 400-500 for the full suite of male and female issues so that could give you some clarity instead of the endless waiting. Good luck and remember you are a good person who is trying to do their best while going through something horrible. Be kind to yourself.

@ForeverAintEnough12

Thank you.

The way I currently feel I won’t be going to any baby shower and it is upsetting me that this friendship doesn’t make it but all my energy is focussed on work and this at the moment and I just can’t cope with anything else.

I read something on Facebook yesterday about manifesting your desires and it just annoyed me. It was along the lines of, “I’ve wanted a baby forever and I decided to start manifesting having a baby and guess what I’m pregnant.” and then the kicker... “You can have anything if you just desire it enough!” Yeah thanks. I obviously don’t want a baby enough then. My fault. 😢

I think I might have to go private, I’m just worried it’s too late.

Do you have private medical insurance? I'm not sure if IVF would be covered, but maybe the endo issues could be looked at?

@ForeverAintEnough12

Fuck off. I wasn’t putting out platitudes or blaming the woman. I’m in precisely the same position as she is in terms of infertility.

Get off your high horse and learn to read

And OP in case the other fool managed to convince you that I was implying relaxing would get you pregnant I was responding to what you’d said about sex not being enjoyable because it’s become regimented around ovulation. I’ve had precisely that experience but when I stopped actively trying to conceive it happened (a few times), I’ve had a stillborn baby and multiple miscarriages and one living seriously disabled DD.
In one way do I think it’s just relaxing that makes one fertile and nothing I said implies that.
But many people say that taking the pressure off helps - with enjoyment of sex and accidental conception. But maybe everyone who thinks that is a liar or a moron.
Either way, I hope it gets easier for you and you are not bad for feeling sad or resentful.
Best of luck

@Sleepdeprivedmama1
No unfortunately not. Yes the endo is definitely getting worse, this is why I was asking them specifically about consequences of being untreated but they couldn’t give me an answer.