Please tell me I’m not the worst person in the world

[The90swereadecadeago]

I feel like the worst person in the world and I suppose I’m writing this because I am just in a bad place and want to hear it’s (kind of) normal.

Sorry this is so long.

My two best friends have told me they’re pregnant. One just today and one last week and I am upset and jealous. Me and my partner have been trying for so long and I am obviously happy for them, but I feel such a pang of jealousy that I hate myself for it.

When my first friend told me last week, I cried myself to sleep. I know it’s pathetic but I started sobbing so loudly, I had to take my pillow into the loo and just sob into it so my husband didn’t hear me. Now my other friend has Whatsapped me her news today, I just cried whilst trying to write work emails. (I’ve logged off now) I’ve left it on read too so I know I have to reply soon but I just can’t, I feel so deeply sad.

I was diagnosed a few years ago with endometriosis after having been fobbed off by GPs for years. In the end the scar tissue was so bad that I had to have surgery to remove it but a lot of it is on my ligaments and they couldn’t remove all of it for fear of causing mobility issues. I was then put on Zoladex injections for a year and then given the Mirena coil to treat it.

I spoke to my GP about removing it so my husband and I could start trying for a baby but I was worried about leaving my endo untreated. No GP could give me any useful advice about what was best, so we just decided to remove it and try for a baby.

After a year with nothing I went to my GP and was advised to call and book a nurse appointment on the first day of my next period and they’ll test my hormones but I could never get an appointment on the day (as I suspected).

Then COVID hit and we just carried on trying and nothing. So we’ve been trying about 2 years now and I think I’m just exhausted, upset and angry.

I feel like my sex life is just too regimented and planned on the best days to conceive and it’s not enjoyable anymore. I’m so so very angry, because I feel like I should have got a diagnosis sooner or should’ve come off the coil sooner. I blame the GPs. I feel like it’s never going to happen and the jealously I’m feeling is so consuming that I just can’t stop crying (secretly). I haven’t told anyone how I feel, even my husband, as I don’t want to look like a bitch (I’m really not).

The friend who told me about her pregnancy last week wants me to organise a baby shower for her and I don’t think I’m up to it, I know that’s awful.

Has anyone else felt like this? 😢

YANBU You are human! Your two friends have got pregnant ,and you havent.That is understandable you feel upset .It took us 3 years to conceive our second child, and my friend had her baby christened during that time .We didnt go, and just made an excuse .Tell your friend you are happy for them ,but dont feel able to organise a baby shower.No shame in that ,and you are most certainly not the worst person in the world you know!

OP - on an aside from my previous responses.
I’ve had private IVF. I’m absolutely not trying to dissuade you, so please don’t think that.
I said above (in my first, and obviously misunderstood response) that I didn’t conceive through IVF and that I have one completely blocked Fallopian tube and had, at the time of IVF, very damaged uterus with adenomyosis and also because of an emergency c-section and resultant surgery that involved taking my womb out of my body and various other hideous things.
I also didn’t have age on my side - I was 42 when I went for IVF.
It didn’t actually resolve the matter of my “secondary infertility” - so I suppose I JUST want to caution you against hope that you will (though of course you might) find the answer.
Of course it could be the endometriosis but I really hope for your sake it isn’t (and that the assessment and any treatment goes well).

I'm glad that you're looking at private treatment because it's a way of taking control. Don't feel bad about keeping people at arm's length or not being thrilled about others' pregnancies. Like I said before, don't be a martyr.