Please tell me I’m not the worst person in the world

[The90swereadecadeago]

I feel like the worst person in the world and I suppose I’m writing this because I am just in a bad place and want to hear it’s (kind of) normal.

Sorry this is so long.

My two best friends have told me they’re pregnant. One just today and one last week and I am upset and jealous. Me and my partner have been trying for so long and I am obviously happy for them, but I feel such a pang of jealousy that I hate myself for it.

When my first friend told me last week, I cried myself to sleep. I know it’s pathetic but I started sobbing so loudly, I had to take my pillow into the loo and just sob into it so my husband didn’t hear me. Now my other friend has Whatsapped me her news today, I just cried whilst trying to write work emails. (I’ve logged off now) I’ve left it on read too so I know I have to reply soon but I just can’t, I feel so deeply sad.

I was diagnosed a few years ago with endometriosis after having been fobbed off by GPs for years. In the end the scar tissue was so bad that I had to have surgery to remove it but a lot of it is on my ligaments and they couldn’t remove all of it for fear of causing mobility issues. I was then put on Zoladex injections for a year and then given the Mirena coil to treat it.

I spoke to my GP about removing it so my husband and I could start trying for a baby but I was worried about leaving my endo untreated. No GP could give me any useful advice about what was best, so we just decided to remove it and try for a baby.

After a year with nothing I went to my GP and was advised to call and book a nurse appointment on the first day of my next period and they’ll test my hormones but I could never get an appointment on the day (as I suspected).

Then COVID hit and we just carried on trying and nothing. So we’ve been trying about 2 years now and I think I’m just exhausted, upset and angry.

I feel like my sex life is just too regimented and planned on the best days to conceive and it’s not enjoyable anymore. I’m so so very angry, because I feel like I should have got a diagnosis sooner or should’ve come off the coil sooner. I blame the GPs. I feel like it’s never going to happen and the jealously I’m feeling is so consuming that I just can’t stop crying (secretly). I haven’t told anyone how I feel, even my husband, as I don’t want to look like a bitch (I’m really not).

The friend who told me about her pregnancy last week wants me to organise a baby shower for her and I don’t think I’m up to it, I know that’s awful.

Has anyone else felt like this? 😢

My mother asked me about how our fertility treatments were going and I responded need to say how difficult it was... Her response... 'your sister is pregnant and wanted me to tell you' with absolutely no response to what I had said about having a difficult time. Also didn't help that my sister used to brag about how she didn't want children and how she was with someone who didn't want kids. It was a low blow but the best thing you can do is talk about it has much as possible, there is no point in hiding your pain and you'll be surprised at the number of people who have went through difficulties getting pregnant.

The years I spent TTC were horrendous. I had a total personality transplant by the end - bitter, jealous, miserable, stressed, disengaged from my husband, family, work. It was all-consuming and just awful.

After years we finally made it down the IVF route, although my first cycle was cancelled due to OHSS. My transfer was cancelled on the Thursday and on the Saturday I hosted the baby shower for my younger sister's 'happy accident whilst on the pill' baby. It was a hard week.

Like others have said probably the best thing to do is speak to people. My DH did not want to speak to anyone about it at all so we hardly told a soul. I might have fared better if I could have.

I've been there too OP - took us over two years and surgery to have our first. In that time, my sister had three pregnancies, and various friends were popping out babies like gremlins in the rain. It was tough. I can especially remember feeling it was so unfair when I saw a parent shouting at their child, or hearing about horrific abuse on the news - why were those people allowed children, to treat them like that, but I was not allowed one?

I didn't want to share our pain with others as it was so private but actually I found it was a relief when I did. People were then much kinder in the way they shared news etc. I didn't tell everyone - but family and our closest friends we told.

On a practical note, I too had endometriosis (doesn't sound quite as chronic as yours though). I've found ditching tampons and disposal towels, replacing with washable bamboo pads has completely stopped my painful periods, and I wonder if that could have helped back then. Worth a try if you've not already?

I will be keeping everything crossed for you - especially that you are able to access the right medical treatment.

@Basicbitching You are clearly a good and thoughtful friend. I think that it helps to address the elephant in the room if you do it kindly and with sensitivity.

@foreveraintenough12 thank you

I did have a very rough first pregnancy so I will make sure she knows I won't be texting her that I feel rubbish or how tough I'm finding it etc.

I just hope she knows I'll be there for her whatever she's going through

If you send a, " congratulations, that's wonderful news" message that also explains that "I'm having a rubbish time trying to conceive, so I won't be able to organise the baby shower. I am super excited for you x"

You're not a bit selfish. It's horrible when you're struggling to have a baby and you're hit up the face with pregnancy announcements left right and centre. It can feel like a nasty joke. You are far from alone in all this even when it feels like it

If you send that kind of message, they will understand.

I think you are perfectly reasonable to feel as you do, in your circumstances. Life can be fucking harsh.

Perfectly normal to feel as you do
It's so hard when others fall pregnant so easily

Totally totally normal. Been there. I had to have ivf after finding out I had low ovarian reserve. Somehow I got pregnant naturally (before starting the ivf) but it was a miscarriage.

About a week later, my close colleague announced she was pregnant and a different lady brought her newborn into the office to show the team. I was so distraught on seeing the newborn that I actually had to leave the building.

for you.

Yes- been there done that gone the T-shirt. I literally just blocked everyone who was pregnant/had a baby from my social media for the whole time I was trying. I’m ... not proud of this but it did my mental health wonders.

It’s hard- ridiculously stupidly hard. But you aren’t alone in any of it.

When I finally got pregnant - I refused to tell anyone until it was .... far beyond the point I could even attempt to hide it ... because I was so scared I might cause that much pain to someone . But I think unless you’ve been that person, it’s hard to reflect on how your joy might be a knife in someone’s heart.

Keeping my fingers crossed that your joy comes soon.

Thank you for all the replies! I’ve just finished work so going to make a cuppa and then read them.

Sorry OP, that sounds really hard . How old are you, if you don’t mind me asking?

Don’t give up hope, lots of people think they can’t conceive until it happens. I know two ‘infertile’ couples who conceived shortly after adopting, and a mum who was told by the doctors that she would never be able to have children (following cancer treatment when she was younger).

@HTH1 That’s ok I’m 34. I haven’t previously disclosed my age because I feel slightly silly with all the crying and friendship drama. I’m a woman in my 30s not a teenager, but it is what it is, this whole thing has changed my personality (like another poster has said) I’ve become withdrawn and emotional.

My Mum hit menopause at 40? and I think that’s fairly early.

As other people have said, not remotely selfish. HUMAN. You are going through something so challenging, it's not surprising you're struggling with other people's news. Can you talk to your friends about needing some time away from their updates and showers etc? Stay strong, you are going through so much, in one of the hardest twelve months we've had. You will see the light at the end of the tunnel soon.

You're not silly, you're not horrible and this isn't a teen drama. You are going through tremendous emotional and physical pain, and infertility is so cruel, it's perfectly normal to feel negative, angry and jealous. I just want to reiterate what some people have said on here - don't have anything to do with the baby shower, or anyone that doesn't respect your feelings or minimises your experience. A lot of stupid and crass things get said in these circumstances, and it's hard to tune out, so look after yourself. It's not cruel to keep people distanced if it's self preservation mechanism. You're not a Saint and don't be a martyr. 🌷

I actually want to reply to everyone individually but would take ages. I really appreciate everyone’s words, you’re all so kind! I wasn’t expecting such support on here, I honestly thought I would get a bit of abuse (and was ready for it)

Supermarket woman ... That was probably the worst comment but I’ve had so many from office colleagues. Comments like, ‘don’t you want children then?’ shouted over desks and me feeling the fight of flight response and the embarrassment of not knowing what to say. Always women too, you’d think we’d realise... That’s the blessing of WFH at the moment, I can escape comments and distance myself from that atmosphere!

My Mum... well, considering she knows how I’m feeling, it doesn’t stop comments, like on phone last Sunday, “(Sister) is not waiting for the wedding now she said they’re just going to have a baby now before it’s too late LOL”She’s 29. Then in the same convo she said “(Sister) says if you’re not having kids you should get a dog (she has a dog) it’s just like having a child LOOL!” Yes thanks Mum, nice chatting.

So you can see the type of family I have

I can’t find the comment now but POPPING THEM OUT LIKE GREMLINS IN THE RAIN actually made me laugh, thank you! 😂😂😂

Your family - keep them at a distance. Those remarks are stupid and hurtful. A dog indeed. What nonsense. Next they'll tell you to just go on holiday and get pregnant!

Oh OP, I just want to give you a hug.

@Maireas I don’t know if they’re just thoughtless or just do it on purpose but yes, very hurtful. Before she knew what was going on she blurted out, “what’s wrong with you both?” at which I hung up and didn’t answer her calls the rest of the day

@Alreadyinmypyjamas Thank you, I don’t think you and others know how much you’ve all helped me with your kind words today

YANBU. It's VERY normal AND ok to feel the way you are feeling. I would turn down the baby shower organising and speak to both ladies about your struggles and how it's making you feel - if you are sure they are able to see and understand your pain, some people may not. Are you able to go for a private consultation rather than wait for a GP slot? In the meantime, be kind to yourself and give yourself time to get used to your friends' news.

No wise words but you are not a bad person, you are a very human human .

@Kioris (and every other poster who has kindly recommended)

I have been looking at private fertility clinics etc in my breaks today and there are many who seem to specialise in finding the root of infertility (whereas I am almost sure it’s my endo) but have got a list of places and numbers together and will be calling them for advice.