Please tell me I’m not the worst person in the world

[The90swereadecadeago]

I feel like the worst person in the world and I suppose I’m writing this because I am just in a bad place and want to hear it’s (kind of) normal.

Sorry this is so long.

My two best friends have told me they’re pregnant. One just today and one last week and I am upset and jealous. Me and my partner have been trying for so long and I am obviously happy for them, but I feel such a pang of jealousy that I hate myself for it.

When my first friend told me last week, I cried myself to sleep. I know it’s pathetic but I started sobbing so loudly, I had to take my pillow into the loo and just sob into it so my husband didn’t hear me. Now my other friend has Whatsapped me her news today, I just cried whilst trying to write work emails. (I’ve logged off now) I’ve left it on read too so I know I have to reply soon but I just can’t, I feel so deeply sad.

I was diagnosed a few years ago with endometriosis after having been fobbed off by GPs for years. In the end the scar tissue was so bad that I had to have surgery to remove it but a lot of it is on my ligaments and they couldn’t remove all of it for fear of causing mobility issues. I was then put on Zoladex injections for a year and then given the Mirena coil to treat it.

I spoke to my GP about removing it so my husband and I could start trying for a baby but I was worried about leaving my endo untreated. No GP could give me any useful advice about what was best, so we just decided to remove it and try for a baby.

After a year with nothing I went to my GP and was advised to call and book a nurse appointment on the first day of my next period and they’ll test my hormones but I could never get an appointment on the day (as I suspected).

Then COVID hit and we just carried on trying and nothing. So we’ve been trying about 2 years now and I think I’m just exhausted, upset and angry.

I feel like my sex life is just too regimented and planned on the best days to conceive and it’s not enjoyable anymore. I’m so so very angry, because I feel like I should have got a diagnosis sooner or should’ve come off the coil sooner. I blame the GPs. I feel like it’s never going to happen and the jealously I’m feeling is so consuming that I just can’t stop crying (secretly). I haven’t told anyone how I feel, even my husband, as I don’t want to look like a bitch (I’m really not).

The friend who told me about her pregnancy last week wants me to organise a baby shower for her and I don’t think I’m up to it, I know that’s awful.

Has anyone else felt like this? 😢

Thanks @Krazynights34 that is true about the sex. It becomes like work doesn’t it, a chore. That’s how I know I’m not pregnant (with my late period) as we decided to take a break completely for a while. It’s been nice to just cuddle and not think I have to do it tonight but I’m tired etc.

[quote Krazynights34]@ForeverAintEnough12

Fuck off. I wasn’t putting out platitudes or blaming the woman. I’m in precisely the same position as she is in terms of infertility.

Get off your high horse and learn to read[/quote]
Maybe you should read your own posts @Krazynights34

I stopped trying to conceive (I’d decided I needed a new job first, relaxed and bam!).

I’m trying to say that the body is a funny thing - thousands of people say they fall pregnant when they didn’t want to - when life was fun, or they weren’t concentrating on becoming pregnant.

I’m no pregnancy guru but I wonder if the body thinks something like this “I’m in a stressful situation (trying to conceive) and therefore I need to be ready to run/hide etc whenever I can, so I’m not getting pregnant).

Yes you’re not a fertility guru clearly so stop trotting out platitudes of ‘oh I just had a few drinks and then got pregnant BAM ‘

Omg like thank you so much. I will have a few drinks this eve and BAM I will be pregnant. I can’t wait.

@The90swereadecadeago I would go private if you can afford it for the initial tests anyway. It would be good to get clarity as to what your next steps are whether that’s clomid or timed medicated or ivf. Whenever you do get some answers pop over to the infertility board as it’s a wealth of information.

@ForeverAintEnough12 Thank you, I will 🤗

What a nasty woman (supermarket woman), who says that?!

I have/had endo (not sure if it's made a return since my surgery). We went private for fertility tests to get the ball rolling, it's not thousands, more a couple of hundred. During an internal it looked like I had something in a tube so got referred for surgery. Whilst awaiting the surgery I had an ectopic so it got pushed back otherwise the turnaround time was very good (this was pre covid though)

That was thousands privately which we couldn't afford. So our consultant did the referral under nhs then we did choose and book to select the private hospital for the surgery as they also did treatments under nhs. It was our consultant who also did it, which was an investigation and then removal of endo if it was found. Happily it did result us conceiving DD, who I had at 38.

I have been where you are though, friends and family members all conceiving and me being left behind. I've also been the friend who got pregnant and then left someone else behind who suffered a lot of losses before having a baby. There were things she didn't attend because she found it hard and I completely understood. Sorry you're getting the cold shoulder from your friend

OP, I really feel for you. That must be heartbreaking, no real advice but be kind to yourself and fingers crossed you guys make a baby in the next 12 months. Like the others have said, ask your GP for a referral to see what can be done. Good luck to you xx

You can’t help how you feel but just try not to let your feelings dampen theirs. I had a miscarriage at 12 weeks and was utterly devastated. Two friends announced their pregnancies that week...one with twins and the other due on what would have been our due date. It crushed me. I couldn’t talk to them for months. Clearly had I not lost mine I would have been over the moon for them, and despite losing mine I still should have been over the moon for them. But I honestly wasn’t and I did feel resentment for quite a while.

I’m sorry for your situation. I hope you get the support you need.

@ForeverAintEnough12
Yes, I was recounting MY experience not yours, strangely enough.
Would it have been better if I’d suggested blaming the GP?
And maybe you should read your post.
I didn’t say any woman was to blame for infertility.
Or maybe I should be crying about my dead child and so on and hence turning a conversation around to me?
I’ve also had IVF.
I was as I said talking about the trying to conceive being regimental and so on.
But you can select bits of what I said all you want.
You clearly have an agenda.
I hope the OP gets what she wants from your advice and private IVF.

You're not a bad person OP. I've been there too and had a lot of friends in the same situation too, its totally crap. But guilt on top of sadness is just awful. Just allow yourself to feel the sadness, acknowledge it and don't let the guilt seep in. You are absolutely allowed to feel sad and aggrieved at your situation.
If you can I'd ask your GP for a referral to a fertility clinic. In my experience they will do all the tests there and have a much more informed analysis of the results than a GP. Your local clinic might also have a website with costs so you could consider if you want these done privately to speed up the process. If you can start to get things moving then you'll feel like you're actually doing something rather than just the monthly disappointment?

I'm also so sorry you're in such pain from the endo, I don't have any experience of that but its not good and you shouldn't be expected to just live with it.

@Krazynights34 yes I have an agenda to stop people giving people who are massively struggling with ttc advice like have a few drinks or book a hotel away with your DH when in reality if you have fertility issues none of this will make a difference - it will just put more pressure on the person ttc if they do these things and then feel even worse when they make no difference. I can’t believe you’ve been through infertility yet still tell others to ‘relax’ and BAM a pregnancy.

Anyway I don’t want to derail op thread but you actually don’t know whether you relaxing was even the reason why you conceived the times you did. It could have been something completely different like a certain hormone level, a good quality egg, a good shaped and unfragmented sperm, the exact timing of the intercourse etc etc etc.

It’s human. I’ve always been a ‘their baby isn’t here because mine isn’t’ person but my SIL has just had her first, after getting pregnant on first try and then there’s me and DH who have been trying for number 2 for 7 years and I’ve had some tears this time around. I think it’s worse at the moment because it’s become apparent everyone thinks we stopped at one on purpose, while they all are starting their families easily (three friends have also got pregnant straight away) so it’s very lonely too.

It’s perfectly human to feel happy for them and sad for yourself

Reading about that barren comment and the Facebook post made me feel so badly for you. I went to a friend’s birthday party really suffering from the stress and upset of similar and a bloke there said to me and my husband, “why have you two still not had kids? What’s wrong with you?” There are no words are there? Only people who know the pain of things like this can know just how badly it affects you. I dread being invited to a baby shower - it would feel like it was all being rubbed in my face. You must put yourself first. You can’t expect yourself to endure celebrating pregnancies in a large group when you are inwardly struggling so much - it’s too much to ask.

We spent 5 years trying for a baby. Had laser treatment for endometriosis and various other treatment which was all a waste of time as I had Hughes syndrome. The NHS were useless and have me dangerous ovulation drugs for years without monitoring me. So I was ovulating and miscarrying constantly for 5 years. Found out after we went private, had IUI. Had our first baby 2005. Go private

@The90swereadecadeago Awwwww, I'm SO sorry. Of course YANBU. I really hope everything goes your way eventually (soon.) It's pretty natural to feel how you do to be honest. Must really sting. Look after yourself.

I've been exactly in your situation. As happy as I have been for friends, my heart broke and jealousy spiked each time a new announcement came. It's an awful feeling but your reaction is really so normal.
Just reply to your friend and tell her you are so happy for her, ask how she is feeling, then explain that you're not in a position to organise the baby shower, you don't even need to say why if you don't want to. Hugs to you

You aren't awful at all. Please tell your friend you can't do the baby shower, that's asking too much.

Acupuncture. Find someone specialising in fertility

I'm so sorry. I know devastating it is.
I remember when my SIL announced she was pregnant when I had been trying for ages, she was round for dinner and I literally had to make up any excuse to get out of there and cry.
It's so hard to try and be happy for someone when they have what you want and then in turn it makes you feel even worse because you feel that way.
Please please keep ringing your doctor. I had to have bloods on day 1 of my cycle and then later on to check I had ovulated etc. I was also referred to a consultant too.
Hoping you get your positive soon x

Sorry, just realised this post is a few weeks old and I've read your updates. I'm sorry you're having such a bad time. I've struggled with endometriosis for decades now, the level of support (or, lack of...) is shocking.
If your friend is being frosty with you then she isn't a good friend. As brutal as it sounds, I've lost friends over the years as they've had kids and not understood why it was difficult for me to not embrace that with them.
Be kind to yourself, life is hard at the moment and you need to allow yourself to feel sad.

If your friends are good friends and you open up to them and share some of what you've shared with us here they will understand the poignancy of the situation and be heartbroken for all you've been through, and they will come through for you with love, kindness and empathetic understanding. Perhaps give them a chance.

I am in the opposite situation to you, I'm pregnant and my best friend has been trying for years and years, she's had 6 miscarriages and I don't know how to tell her I'm pregnant as I don't want to upset her.
I can fully understand why you're feeling the way you are. I wouldn't blame you at all. I've seen everything my bf has been through and it's been so tough.
It is so unfair for you I know, mine was a surprise too so it makes it worse.
I plan on telling her through text so that she has the chance chance read the message and feel what she feels without having to answer me straight away.
I hope your gp helps you and you can get started on trying again. I think you should tell your friends what's been happening so that they can support you in the right way.

Hi OP,

I’m so sorry to hear what you have been going through. I hope you can get some proper help and support with the endo.

Some people can be so completely ignorant and self absorbed. I don’t blame you one bit for walking away from that one woman. Your Mum should be supportive of you and not explaining away her nastiness.
You need to concentrate on yourself and your own physical and mental health. Keep away from the energy drains and negative Nancie’s they are not real friends. As for the baby shower business, she is so fixated on herself she can’t even consider why you might not feel up to getting involved - just pathetic and it would be a deal breaker for the friendship if it were me. Stay strong, don’t be pushed around by anyone else and do what is right for you. Best of luck for the future, I hope everything works out for you.

You are not awful, and it is in no way pathetic to feel this way. Difficulty conceiving is, in my opinion, one of the most painful things anyone can possibly face, and it is absolutely understandable that you feel this way. I really feel for you, and can empathise too (currently in 2nd round of IVF). Be kind to yourself - allow yourself to feel the way you feel without giving yourself a hard time. Your friends will understand that this is hard for you. Talking about things really is helpful too - speak to your husband. You may well find he feels the same way at times. xxx

Sending you a massive hug op. I have been where you are. I lost a baby too late into my pregnancy so I know how painful and lonely this process is. I'm not in the UK anymore but I did my fertility treatment there. If you can go private do it. After years of trying and tests, I went private and I was pregnant in 2 months. I'm not saying that this is a guarantee, but you will get an answer to whatever the outcome much quicker.
If your friend is frosty then leave her to it. Infertility is such a lonely process, very few will get it.

@Krazynights34

OP - I’m so sad for you. You’ve had excellent advice above. I have one fully blocked Fallopian tube. I didn’t know til I went for ivf at 41 ( I’d had a full term stillborn baby and at least two early miscarriages at 6 weeks). I also have adenomyosis. It’s not the same as you, I know. Here’s what I’d do (and I don’t know if you drink, so apologies for the suggestions). Have a heart to heart with your partner, get all the anger and sadness out. Cry it out. Talk to your friends too. It’s ok to have sadness and happiness for them. If they are good friends they will get it. I have a DD (not from IVF) but conceived naturally a few months after. I’d given up drinking etc for the IVF and given up on having a baby and after a couple of drinks one night, bam! It was the same with my other full term pregnancy- I stopped trying to conceive (I’d decided I needed a new job first, relaxed and bam!). I’m trying to say that the body is a funny thing - thousands of people say they fall pregnant when they didn’t want to - when life was fun, or they weren’t concentrating on becoming pregnant. I’m no pregnancy guru but I wonder if the body thinks something like this “I’m in a stressful situation (trying to conceive) and therefore I need to be ready to run/hide etc whenever I can, so I’m not getting pregnant). If that sounds a bit “woo” I’m actually a very logical person- so I wonder if my overthinking made me more stressed. You know that “they” say more girls are conceived in times “of plenty” and boys in more trying circumstances. Apparently. Anyway... I hope if nothing else I’ve lightened the mood. When restrictions lift can you go away for a weekend or time away around when you’d conceive but don’t talk about it and just do whatever would be really relaxing for you both

Being told you just need to relax and stop worrying about it is pretty much guaranteed to have the opposite effect.

OP you are allowed to hurt about this. It's a difficult place to be in.

@Basicbitching that sounds perfect. I also prefer being told by text as I would hate my own emotions to get in the way and my friend to think I wasn’t happy for them. It’s just more complicated!

I also found the friends who gave me space during pregnancy were the ones where I was better able to be around for the baby when it arrived. I have one friend who bombarded me with scan and bump pics and by the time the baby arrived I just never wanted to speak to her again and couldn’t stand to be around her but the ones who just gave me the important updates or only brought it up when I asked I am totally fine spending time with them and their babies which is the main thing. Good luck in your pregnancy and congrats