Please tell me I’m not the worst person in the world

[The90swereadecadeago]

I feel like the worst person in the world and I suppose I’m writing this because I am just in a bad place and want to hear it’s (kind of) normal.

Sorry this is so long.

My two best friends have told me they’re pregnant. One just today and one last week and I am upset and jealous. Me and my partner have been trying for so long and I am obviously happy for them, but I feel such a pang of jealousy that I hate myself for it.

When my first friend told me last week, I cried myself to sleep. I know it’s pathetic but I started sobbing so loudly, I had to take my pillow into the loo and just sob into it so my husband didn’t hear me. Now my other friend has Whatsapped me her news today, I just cried whilst trying to write work emails. (I’ve logged off now) I’ve left it on read too so I know I have to reply soon but I just can’t, I feel so deeply sad.

I was diagnosed a few years ago with endometriosis after having been fobbed off by GPs for years. In the end the scar tissue was so bad that I had to have surgery to remove it but a lot of it is on my ligaments and they couldn’t remove all of it for fear of causing mobility issues. I was then put on Zoladex injections for a year and then given the Mirena coil to treat it.

I spoke to my GP about removing it so my husband and I could start trying for a baby but I was worried about leaving my endo untreated. No GP could give me any useful advice about what was best, so we just decided to remove it and try for a baby.

After a year with nothing I went to my GP and was advised to call and book a nurse appointment on the first day of my next period and they’ll test my hormones but I could never get an appointment on the day (as I suspected).

Then COVID hit and we just carried on trying and nothing. So we’ve been trying about 2 years now and I think I’m just exhausted, upset and angry.

I feel like my sex life is just too regimented and planned on the best days to conceive and it’s not enjoyable anymore. I’m so so very angry, because I feel like I should have got a diagnosis sooner or should’ve come off the coil sooner. I blame the GPs. I feel like it’s never going to happen and the jealously I’m feeling is so consuming that I just can’t stop crying (secretly). I haven’t told anyone how I feel, even my husband, as I don’t want to look like a bitch (I’m really not).

The friend who told me about her pregnancy last week wants me to organise a baby shower for her and I don’t think I’m up to it, I know that’s awful.

Has anyone else felt like this? 😢

But what’s shouting out to me is your lack of medical support. You need to push for a referral now, not wait for a blood test that might never happen. Could you afford to go private, it might be worth at least having a call about if they could do some tests then refer you back to an NHS consultant, you often don’t have to go private the whole way through treatment.

Thank you, I will. I probably haven’t pushed it enough recently with COVID etc. but I will 💐

You are not a bad person Op!!!
I tried desperately for baby number 2 - friends around me were getting pregnant at the drop of a hat with their 2nd and 3rd babies but l got diagnosed with premature ovarian failure and was told l had less than 5% chance of falling pregnant again and it hobestly felt like a bereavement.
As pp have said l think you need some medical intervention.
Sending lots of love and luck to you at this hard time xx

OP you’re 100% a normal human! If your friends know you’ve been trying - it’s really insensitive of them to do this

YANBU. I relate to this so much. We started trying and it took us 3 years to conceive. In those 3 years our closest friends on both my partners side and mine all conceived and has beautiful children while we soul destroyingly kept on and on. They all told us face to face and I used to listen to the happy news with a smile and come home and sob for hours.

We found out we were pregnant just as the pandemic hit and got our happy ending in November. Keep going - you’ll get there. Good luck.

It might be a coincidence but the month we finally conceived I gave up caffeine and alcohol and used the clear blue digital ovulation test for the first time.

@The90swereadecadeago I seem to be in the same boat as you. Sending you lots of well wishes for your BFP very soon.
We have only been trying for 5 months, but I'm 39 and worried that time is ticking away. I recently met my friend's new baby for the first time and although I felt reasonably ok about it (read: not devastated in front of her) she popped into a shop leaving me outside with the baby and pram. The worst thing in the world that could have happened to me at that point would be having someone I knew assume the baby was mine and me having to explain that wasn't the case. I don't think I could have managed that. We are also very private people and haven't told any family or friends that we are TTC. In one way it's less pressure without people enquiring, for all the right reasons no doubt, as to how we're getting on. But it's also so difficult to manage all of these feelings alone. So far, OH and I feel much closer going through this together, and I hope it stays that way. But we are soon due to speak to my GP and I worry that testing and potential bad news may change all of that.
Sorry, a bit of an essay! I suppose I just wanted to let you know that your feelings are so familiar to me, you are not alone.

Be kind to yourself OP, it understandable you feel upset. You can be happy for them while feeling devastated for yourself at the same time, you aren’t taking anything away from them.

I would tell your friend that you don’t feel able to organise the baby shower and that you’d prefer to ask someone else to do it. If she’s your friend then she’ll understand.

This was me 24 years ago. You can't help feeling like that. I hope it happens for you soon

@Ki0612 They want to do a variety of hormone checks first (which are proving difficult) Well, it’s just plain difficult with everything as it is at the moment.

Bellyups
Off you trot 🤡

You don't sound horrible Op, you sound tired and sad and fed up.

No advice to give but I hope that things improve for you soon.

I've been there. Our first took 2.5 years of trying and it is soul destroying. I still remember my SIL telling me she was pregnant, I was smiling and genuinely happy for her but my whole body was uncontrollably shaking all over. In my most ashamed moment I remember being annoyed that a friend who was obese had gotten pregnant and I couldn't.

Infertility takes you to some dark and lonely places and I think you have to be careful about where you seek support online. I spent a lot of time on #ttc on Instagram and it finally feels like someone understands what you are going through but actually it becomes quite all consuming and there can be some toxic people who don't feel someone is struggling with trying to conceive or unless they have gone through certain procedures. I can honestly say that the only time my life or relationship felt normal again was when I put steps in place to consider what our life would be like if we didn't have kids. Also my husband saw it totally differently, there are not a finite number of babies in the world and your friend getting pregnant doesn't mean you won't.

I'm a few years on from that difficult stage in my life and it never leaves you. I would never casually discuss having more children as if that's a given that it would just get happen. If I hear a story of someone struggling to conceive or miscarrying I get a shiver down my spine. Be kind to yourself, explain to your friend you can't do her baby shower.

I want to reply to everyone personally but that would probably be annoying for everyone to read so I just want to say thank you 🙏🏻 I’ve read every reply and teared up at most of them. It’s also nice to hear I’m not alone! I will share my feelings with my husband too, I’ve been trying to put a brave face on. Going to reply to my friends news now 💐

I bet loads of women feel like you but society has made it impossible for them to admit it.

Your reaction is perfectly normal.

Awwww, OP, you’re not an awful person. You’re sad at your situation, it’s such a difficult journey when ttc doesn’t happen as hoped.
Sex becomes planned, you’re either waiting for your fertile window, or waiting to test. Over and over again. It’s exhausting. Add in a couple of friend’s pregnancies, which happened quickly, and it’s bloody awful.
No advice, I don’t know how we got through it, but we did. Really best wishes to you. Don’t be hard on yourself, be honest with your friends and don’t put yourself in situations that will be damaging for you emotionally (baby showers) - your friends should understand.

I was the friend in your case. My friend who was struggling to conceive totally changed in personality.

She and her DP decided not to tell anyone that they were struggling to TTC. One day her very concerned brother cornered me and asked me what was going on. I really knew nothing about it.

Which then left me in a position where I had to ask, and she told me then that they'd been TTC for 18 months.

From a friend POV, it's impossible to offer support if you don't know what's going on. And it's really difficult to know what is or isn't acceptable to your friend if you can't or won't discuss it at all. I was terrified to tell her about my second pregnancy - and when I did, she literally physically pushed me away and said I couldn't possibly understand how she felt. Yes, I was devastated for her, but also yes there was nothing I could do or not do to help. I still wanted to be her friend, but that wasn't enough for her at the time (I know, she was hurting very badly).

She went down a awful rabbit hole of competitive grieving - 'oh so-and-so had another miscarriage, at least she KNOWS she can get pregnant'. I just couldn't go along with that sort of thing.

I knew she was really hurting and I was doing my best but nothing was good enough. She is a very high-achiever in life and I think a lot of her anger came from other people simply being able to easily do something that she couldn't do. Having a baby wasn't something that money could necessarily buy, she couldn't study for it - and that I think hurt her as much as not having a baby by itself. They were real feelings. But as a friend there was nothing I could do. I wanted to stay being her friend too, but time with her was really draining, and after a couple more years of trying I had to pull away.

Maybe trust a friend with some information. Maybe guide them on the type of support you think you need. (Do you need someone to talk to? Or someone to act as normally as possible to distract you?).

Happily she went on to have DTwins with IVF but sadly our friendship didn't survive. I still feel really sad about that as we were childhood friends.

This may or may not help you but it's just another perspective. If your friends are good friends, they will always want the best for you and will help you in whatever way they can.

I would just be really honest and open with both of your friends like you have been on here.
You should be very happy for them but of course it’s natural to feel sad or jealous but you should never compare your life with someone else anyway as things will happen when they are meant to happen.
Just think of it as good practice of helping out with two new babies for when you have your own. You’ll be a pro!

Oh you poor love. It’s bloody hard isn’t it.

Not sure if it’s been suggested but with the bloods and struggling to get an appointment can they not give you a slip to go up to the hospital for your blood taken (we have like a sit and wait clinic for blood) then you know you can get on the first day of your period.

You are not selfish. You are being so strong, but now you need more emotional support. You need to tell these pregnant friends that you are so happy for them, but you are also going through fertility issues and you may at times need to take a step back.

you are human, OP. It's no that you're unhappy for your friends, it's that their situation makes you feel (more) unhappy with your own.

I understand that completely. Don't waste your time or energy feeling bad about how you're feeling, just allow yourself to feel what you feel without judging yourself.

Completely normal reaction

I had problems conceiving and each pregnancy announcement was like a knife in the heart.

I was bitterly envious and so upset!

Oh, and I would politely decline the baby shower request...

Can't stand baby showers at the best of times!

You're not the worst person. TTC for an extended period is shit. I say this as someone starting IVF imminently.

After waiting and waiting for referrals we checked the name of the consultant who runs the fertility clinic at our nearest hospital and then found his private service. Obviously this just depends on whether you can afford it.

Please try to be kind to yourself and talk to your friend, even if by text message 💐

Completely normal reaction, please don’t beat yourself up! We were trying for four years and ended up having IVF four times, two of which ended in miscarriage and I really thought it was never going to happen. I got so upset every time I heard of someone getting pregnant - and that was just random people around the office or old acquaintances on FB who I haven’t seen for years, never mind close friends.

I personally wouldn’t even be able to go to the baby shower let alone organise it. I agree with other comments that any half decent friend would totally understand this and not expect you to get involved, but I equally understand if you’re not comfortable sharing your struggles with your friend, it’s quite a private thing to tell people. If you didn’t want to go into the details with her, perhaps you could kindly suggest that she might be better off asking a friend who already has children as they will know more about it all?

I really hope you can get the tests done that you need and be able to push things forward. I know how soul destroying it is trying and trying for so long, it’s easy to lose hope so I really do feel for you

Ah good luck talking to your friends op. my heart goes out to you.

I was the friend, I knew about my friends struggles to become pregnant and as such I always made sure she heard need to know facts first, before anyone else so she didn’t hear anything on grapevines. otherwise baby talk was limited to what she needed. It wasn’t hard. She is an amazing friend and I valued her friendship.
When I had DC I followed her lead, and made sure I could spend time with just her. DH looked after the baby.

She now has a 7 yo son, my wonderful godson. It was a journey to get there, but he is here and she is an amazing mum.

Communication is key, your feelings are 100% natural and understandable. Allow them to support you too. That is what friendship is.

You’re not the worst person in the world at all. Not even in the slightest. I hope things change for you soon

On a slightly different note, is it not really cheeky to ask someone to organise a baby shower for you? Surely it’s like any sort of party (unless it’s a surprise), if you want one you do it yourself?!