To regret having a baby

[Tiredmum195]

I feel like a terrible person for writing this but here goes...

I have a 4.5 month baby daughter and most days I wish we didn't have her. I don't really enjoy anything about being a mum... I find looking after her a chore and would rather be doing other things. Most of the time my dh looks after her, I just feed her a couple of times a day and take her out in the pram during the day, maybe play with her for 5 mins in her jumperoo thing.

I wasn't someone who desperately wanted a baby and was all excited about having her and these feelings have come out of the blue. Instead the pregnancy was essentially an accident and a shock when it happened and I thought multiple times about having an abortion but didn't because I knew how much my dh wanted a baby and thought he'd never forgive me. I guess there was also an element of wondering if I'd regret it. So I went ahead with it.

I found pregnancy difficult especially with lockdowns etc and suffer with anxiety and have a chronic illness but everything went smoothly. I had an elective c section which went well but I found the recovery very tough especially the first few weeks.

The first 2 months were really hard as we had no support and she screamed and cried all the time and we had little sleep but that's improved now but I don't feel much better.

I don't feel like I have a bond with her, I prefer our pets to her...

I'm worried I'm too selfish to be a mum because I have my own interests and hobbies I want to pursue and I think she just gets in the way of me doing that.
I feel like a terrible person because everyone else loves her but I just don't feel like that and wish we could go back.

Has anyone else felt like this?
Appreciate I'm lrobsbly going to get flamed for this

Babies are extremely intense and terribly boring. Your sleep suffers; your recovery/self-care/alone time suffers. They scream and shit and don’t give a lot back. It does improve when they can interact with you.

Are you getting much sleep and do you have a support network? Do you tell your DH how you feel? Is your health visitor one of the good ones, to whom you could talk – you could be suffering post-natal depression. I’d talk to your HV, GP, midwife, trusted friend, and seek counselling for how you’re feeling.

Yes we sleep fine now 7hrs a day. We don't have any support really. I haven't told my dh how I feel recently. No the health visitor was awful, couldn't stand her

OP, your post will resonate with so many mums! I think all of us feel guilty at finding time with our kids boring, I don’t think any mum launches herself into every day with 100% enthusiasm and a will to be rolling around with baby toys and play doh all day. So you can let yourself off that hook for starters.

Nextly, 4 months in is very very early days. I remember it as being quite a difficult time as the baby is ‘alert’ but not capable of entertaining themselves - I just didn’t know what to do with her all day, and like you, passed her to DP for long stretches because I felt like I just needed some space.

But she will change a lot over the next year - she will start talking, walking, entertaining herself and becoming more interesting. You will get to know each other better and find what works for you. Some mums are more inclined to take a background role with housework etc and dad ends up the main entertainer, which is sort of our set-up. There is more than one type of good mother - remember that

This sounds like a story i read in the Daily Fail recently....

No flaming from me. I felt pretty much the same as you.

All I can say, is it does get better as they get older. I found very little joy in the baby days - too much screaming for my liking!

I still find it tough at times (mine is now 6) but only because pretty much my entire life revolves around him.

Oh OP. I hope you don't get flamed.

Fwiw, my 2nd dd was very much wanted and took a long time to be conceived, and I still had that same feeling - I even text my DH one day telling him this was an error and we shouldn't have had her, it was too hard. I had packed my bags and was ready to go because I couldn't bear it.

I went to the GP and got treated for PND, they don't work for everyone, but they helped enough that I could do things to help improve my mood (walking mainly, but other exercise too and self-referred to the peri-natal mental health team).

Now she's 3 and I cannot imagine life without her. And I'm off the anti-depressants.

Please be kind to yourself, it's been a hard year especially for new mums who can't get the face to face support they would normally have available.

Sounds like post natal depression. Take yourself to see your GP

Go see your gp.

Babies are boring.
Can you go to work and put her in a nursery?
In my day we all went back to work when baby was 4 to 5 months old .
Ask dh to take his parental leave now he is entitled to do so and you go back to work.

Have you been asked to complete any checklists about your state of mind?, I used to be sent them with every communication from the HV but I think she was pretty big on supporting a mum's mental health first and foremost. Contact the GP and be direct that you are struggling to connect and enjoy time with your child. It's better to raise it early, it's not a failing you are exhausted. Your brain doesn't have time to rest up enough to enjoy the moments between the hard work (and they do increase, the good bits x). It's natural to then look back nostaligically, to when you slept, last did something just for fun etc.

I’d second PND. It’s ok to feel somewhat bored, babies don’t do much and it wasn’t my favourite time either.

I am not surprised you feel like that, I'd image I'd react in much the same way to having care of a baby, looks like no fun at all.

I'm so glad people have been kind to you OP, you have done a brave thing to ask for help. You would be surprised how many mums have had thoughts similar to yours, you are not alone. Please go and see the GP, it sounds like you have had pre natal depression. Wish you and your daughter all the best

If you feel that this way of life isn't for you, you'd be better off putting her in nursery and going back to work. Babies don't tick everyone's boxes, there are options . Good luck.

I felt the same with my eldest. She was planned and wanted but as soon as I found out I was pregnant I wished I wasn't.
I felt just like you when she was born.
Please see your gp, I had post natal depression (possibly antenatal as well but I didn't dare tell anyone).
It gradually got better with family support/a wonderful health visitor who came to see me every week and encouraged me to go out/citalopram and babies get easier and more rewarding to look after as they grow.
You're not alone and it's taken courage to admit how you feel to us.
Can I ask you to be brave again and seek help?

It’s pretty common to feel like this I think, I was exactly the same. My baby cried constantly for about five or six months and I didn’t feel any bond with her at all, I regretted having her and thought I’d ruined my life. She’s 16 months old now and it’s completely different, we have such a lovely bond and I can’t imagine life without her. It will get easier soon when your DD becomes more interactive, in the meantime definitely worth seeing your GP, I wish I’d tried more to get help instead of being so miserable for the first few months.

Postnatal depression makes you feel like this. Your GP can help.

I think you're either a newborn person or you prefer the older stages. I wasn't a newborn person either, they're sort of relentless hard work and you think it'll be that way forever. But it won't!

It's probably not PND. It's "just" the drudgery of being the parent of a new born, made worse by being in lockdown.

I went back to work when DD1 was 4 months old, because I really didn't enjoy being at home with her. These days I think I could probably deferr some or all of my mat leave, or share it with DH, but you couldn't do that back in the 90s.

I would much preferred to have had had my mat leave when DD was one, or anytime between one and starting school. I would happily have outsourced the care of my newborn to a childminder.

20+ years on, DD is my pride and joy, and often tells me how good her childhood was.

I'm torn OP because you're bound to get loads of replies saying 'it's normal OP, everyone feels like this, babies are hard and boring its totally understandable to feel like you wish you hadn't had them'.

And I understand that because babies ARE hard and boring and it is normal to have feelings of regret sometimes, to wonder what on earth you're going to do with them, to mourn your old life and just wish for some space and time to yourself.

But to feel like that all the time, not want to engage with your baby at all - that's not 'normal' no. And your baby desperately needs you right now and needs to feel loved and to build a secure attachment. I'm not saying that to make you feel bad or make out like all the other mums have an instant rush of love and then just cheerfully make their baby the centre of everything forevermore without a thought to their own needs. That's not true either. It's up and down and the bond can take a while and it can come and go definitely.

It's not your fault and it's not you being a bad mum or selfish but it does sound like there might be some pnd or other issue going on. Please do go to the gp, go back to your HV (or request to speak to a different one) or otherwise seek some help. I had pnd which presented a bit differently (still do fwiw) and I just googled support groups in my area and found a lovely group of mums supporting each other, totally non judgemental and theres a whole range of feelings and emotions we share with each other, from obsessive anxiety and worry to feeling totally disinterested in the baby and all sorts in between. You could also look up PANDAS and see if theres a group near you.

I tried my GP too and just got given a link to some online cbt videos that were in no way relevant. That doesn't mean there isn't other support out there - theres lots if perinatal mental health support around and lots to help you bond with baby, its just sometimes you have to make a bit of a fuss to get there and that can be hard to do.

Please see your GP- that doesn't sound right

So babies are boring, they don't interact much and while they are learning constantly and developing its hard to see that (unlike my 4 year old where I can visibly see his intellectual or emotional development)- babies are sort of just there. They want a lot, don't give a lot back, and are hard to decipher. You can tell I'm not a fan of babies but I do like the stages that come.
Yes, do think about going back to work, think about carving time out for yourself, and be realistic. Hang in there, it does get better.

There was a long running MN thread about people who regretted having children and it was interesting that over time (it ran for years) most people found it easier past 2/3. And the people who struggled the most were those who were SAHMs. I know 24-36 months looks like a long way away, so do what you have to do to get through the duller early months. Personally I found everything after a year much more manageable and bearable.

It's probably not PND. It's "just" the drudgery of being the parent of a new born, made worse by being in lockdown.

But, it could be. Always worth checking it out, just to be on the safe side.

It might get better for you. I don't like babies. I liked toddlers ok. I'm loving having a preschooler - they can communicate, can do a lot more for themselves and they're starting to develop their own interests and opinions. They can actually pay attention to things for a few minutes (although not usually more than that).

Also, there's no reason why you have to be the main parent just by virtue of being female. Maybe you can go back to work early and your DH can cut his hours/take paternity leave - definitely something to discuss with him.

I wouldn't have believed how boring an un-enthralling your own baby would be until I had one. I used to think, I wouldn't be this bored if I was on my own in the house pottering around so why am am finding being at home with a baby so dull? The only thing that made it bearable was having other mothers with babies the same age to hang out and do things with. So without that option at the moment, no wonder people are struggling. So YADNBU and things will absolutely get better.

It gets better, you are still at the stage of all give no reward. My eldest is nearly three and we have fun together.

I wasn't a big fan of baby play, my partner was much better at it.