To regret having a baby

[Tiredmum195]

I feel like a terrible person for writing this but here goes...

I have a 4.5 month baby daughter and most days I wish we didn't have her. I don't really enjoy anything about being a mum... I find looking after her a chore and would rather be doing other things. Most of the time my dh looks after her, I just feed her a couple of times a day and take her out in the pram during the day, maybe play with her for 5 mins in her jumperoo thing.

I wasn't someone who desperately wanted a baby and was all excited about having her and these feelings have come out of the blue. Instead the pregnancy was essentially an accident and a shock when it happened and I thought multiple times about having an abortion but didn't because I knew how much my dh wanted a baby and thought he'd never forgive me. I guess there was also an element of wondering if I'd regret it. So I went ahead with it.

I found pregnancy difficult especially with lockdowns etc and suffer with anxiety and have a chronic illness but everything went smoothly. I had an elective c section which went well but I found the recovery very tough especially the first few weeks.

The first 2 months were really hard as we had no support and she screamed and cried all the time and we had little sleep but that's improved now but I don't feel much better.

I don't feel like I have a bond with her, I prefer our pets to her...

I'm worried I'm too selfish to be a mum because I have my own interests and hobbies I want to pursue and I think she just gets in the way of me doing that.
I feel like a terrible person because everyone else loves her but I just don't feel like that and wish we could go back.

Has anyone else felt like this?
Appreciate I'm lrobsbly going to get flamed for this

I feel this way about my 2.5 year old. Bored out of my skull or stressed because of mess, tantrums and this pandemic!!

Love grows, it’s often not instant. What you’re feeling (or not feeling) isn’t at all unusual. Try not to overthink it and project into what the future will look like, go day by day. xx 😘

having your life turned upside down by having a baby does take a lot of getting over - if ever - I spent weeks thinking what life was like before having a baby, - the sleep, quiet, being able to hang the washing out without taking baby with you.
Be kind on yourself, see you doctor and tell him/her how you feel, YANO feeling like this

Little babies are really really boring. I have three children, when the first was born I vividly remember telling the HV that I felt like it was just like having a particularly ungrateful pet. She was shocked but that was the best way I could explain it.

That baby is fine now and he's brilliant, he's so much fun and so interesting. I love him to bits.

With my other children it was a bit different, my youngest is only 16 months and I have been delighted with her since day one, but the first baby is such a shock to the system. It's a total lifestyle change and they are so restrictive at that age that it's all a bit of a faff.

It gets better, it really does and you are not a bad person for saying this. I can't say if you've got PND, I didn't myself, but some of what you're feeling could be normal.

I had days when I felt like this, and I'm a baby person who loves the new born early days bit of parenting. The lack of any time off is a killer. The hours spent just sitting. Ugh. I second the get a sling advice upthread. I know not everyone gets on with them, but I was much happier once I realised I could put dc in a sling, while I cleaned the house, made a meal, ate a meal, or went for a long long hike across the fields. It was a freedom of sorts.

I’d have felt like you OP. So glad I didn’t blindly go into having kids with so little thought like many seem to do and end up feeling like you. Hope it gets better soon for you.

Please don't put a 4month old in a Jumperoo, not recommended at all! from 6 months if necessary for short periods of time.

It's not the 80s get her out!

You say in your first post that your partner does most of the looking after, so your baby does have a secure, attached primary carer. How often do we see situations where there is a doting mother, but the father is less emotionally involved or not that fussed? Those babies turn out fine, can't really see a difference if it's the other way round. The baby does need a secure attachment to a primary caregiver but that could be dad not mum. Maybe in this relationship it's the dad who is the real driver in wanting to have and care for children, and the mum who is an involved, but secondary parent. I don't see why that wouldn't work.

Fair warning, I come at this from a different perspective - both my parents had mental illnesses (including in my mum's case, I think, PND) that essentially prevented them from being caregivers. My mum describes her experience with me as a baby/toddler and so on almost exactly as you set out. She never wanted to have children and found that she was totally disinterested in them when they arrived.

These issues went untreated and as a consequence there is no bond between me and them, and I've experienced significant issues as an adult (including being too afraid to have kids myself). I'm not saying that this is you - it's clear from this thread that many mothers feel this way, and I agree that it's not necessarily mental illness. Nor is it perhaps helpful for me to weigh in with some kind of doomsday scenario - which, again, I'm not saying is going to happen to you. I think I just feel that if there's any chance that this could be affecting your bond, then try to seek help for it. It's what I wish my mum had done.

I feel so sorry for you. You've had a baby at such a difficult time. A first baby can be particularly hard at the best of times, but with the isolation and uncertainty of the last year I'm not surprised you're struggling.

My advice would be to be kind to yourself. It sounds as though all your baby's basic needs are being met, so don't beat yourself up if you don't feel the overwhelming love you might have been expecting. Love grows, and for some people the baby stage just isn't that enjoyable, especially first time round. Lack of sleep can colour how you feel about everything too. If there are activities you would like to do and other people can look after your baby for a few hours, go and enjoy them, and when you get back home you will hopefully feel rejuvenated and able to enjoy time with your baby more. A mother doesn't have to be present 100% of the time to be a good parent.

All good wishes to you and I hope you'll look back in a few months and feel more optimistic about things.

Re the jumperoo it’s from 3 months apparently and she really likes it.
Yes I definitely think the current circumstances have made it way harder and the fact I have an underlying health condition to cope with. It’s all just a bit overwhelming.
Yes I get worried I will end up damaging her somehow.

Well that's very helpful JustWonderingIfYou

It’s truly not uncommon to regret having a child. It’s just not something people speak about due to the immense taboo around it. I wish people could see threads like yours when they spout off the ‘you’ll never regret your kids’ nonsense. People do.

I think you really need some proper support. You can self refer yourself to your local IAPT and be seen ASAP as you’re within the postnatal period, no waiting list for you. It might be you have some depression and helping that could make everything a bit more bearable for you, or it might be that you’re not depressed and just genuinely don’t enjoy parenting (so far) and so need some help to come to terms with the fact that this is where you are, you can’t turn back time, and you have little choice but to try find a way to be a mother to your baby while also retaining your own identity, time for self care, and so forth. Either way I think it’ll really help.

No flaming here, you’re not alone and you’ve done a really brave thing acknowledging you feel this way ❤️

@Pumpkin97

I’ve had countless sessions of cbt/counselling and ultimately it hasn’t helped. Tried sertraline and citalopram and made me very unwell. Wouldn’t touch ads again. I think definitely the COVID situation is making things worse as don’t see anyone, nowhere to go etc and was also shielding for most of last year

It’s totally down to you whether you’re willing to give it another try or not, but just bear in mind that just because it didn’t help then doesn’t mean it won’t help now. You might be able to try a different approach, gel differently with another therapist, get more from working on this problem compared to things you worked on before. It’s your choice but I wouldn’t rule out going for an assessment.

Adoption is always a route if it’s not for you?

All I can say this is: I promise you - promise! - that is get much better. Much, much better. Don't beat yourself up for how you feel. Being a new mum is hard, and lockdown makes it harder and more isolating. Don't worry about the bond, sometimes it takes a while to develop, a slow burner, but it will come. One day you'll just realise.
Hang in there. After 12 months it all gets a lot easier and for me 18 months is the real turning point.
Huge hugs xxx

@MissLucyEyelesbarrow

It's probably not PND. It's "just" the drudgery of being the parent of a new born, made worse by being in lockdown

This. I know people mean well, but I wish MNettes would stop labelling every new mum who is finding it hard as mentally ill. Of course, PND may be part of the problem, and it's sensible for the OP to talk to her GP. But you don't have to have PND to find a small baby hard work and unrewarding. Posters automatically dismissing the OP's feelings as PND are giving her the message that she can only be feeling this way if there is something medically wrong with her. That isn't true. Many, many women who are not depressed feel like this because having a small baby is fucking hard.

and this. It might be PND, might not. It doesn’t automatically have to be. Lots of parents regret having had a child. It’s just not spoken about. The idea it MUST be PND makes it seem like it’s not possible for any mother to feel this way without it being a sign of a mental illness.

I was only chatting to my lovely coworker yesterday who said that he didn’t actually feel much love or protection towards his child for the first six months. Didn’t really even feel like he loved him. Just pure drudgery and a sense of terror at it being irreversible. Obviously he’d committed to having a child (it was planned) and did everything for him, went through the motions. After six months he fell in love with him and has loved it ever since, though he’d have been just as happy not having had kids now he knows what it’s like.

Not everyone loves or enjoys or can actually cope with parenting. It doesn’t necessarily mean you’re unwell.

Yes possibly re: postnatal depression

But I also get very very tired of women being unable to acknowledge that having a baby fucking upends your life and it’s normal and healthy to mourn the end of that stage of your life, without someone pathologising it.

OP- as it goes I loved the baby stage in many ways (although I had a severe postpartum mental illness) and DS was my absolute joy. Couldn’t take my eyes off him.
He’s 4 now though and I’m really, really not enjoying this stage. He’s very wilful, argumentative, prickly and bossy at the moment, and I have ABSOLUTELY found myself wondering whether I should have had children in the last few months. Of course I feel guilty about that, but I also acknowledge he’s a bloody handful and not always the most pleasant one.

That’s okay. It’s normal. We’re in it for the long haul, and it would be impossible to sustain all consuming “perfect” maternal adoration for 18-21 years without going mad, so it has to ebb and flow.

You’re just starting on an ebb. It’ll flow for you one day. Honestly.

Thank you for all your replies. I went back to work when she was 7 weeks... I'm self employed though and wfh. My dh is also working full time at home. I just don't know if it's pnd because I was already depressed before I had her
Already having depression can be a factor in developing PND. Though I do agree with lots of other PPs that it doesn’t HAVE to be PND; it can just be “having a small baby can be a bit shit, really”. I would still talk to your GP, though: I very firmly felt I didn’t have PND, I had “my child doesn’t sleep and the loudest women in my NCT support group were bitches” – but letting the GP call it PND and get me counselling and a support group saved me. Obviously covid means you’re not going to be able to find a support group in person for cake, wine and complaining about the endless pooey nappies, but it’s still a factor worth exploring.

Don’t underestimate the misery factor of pandemic: you’re at home, DH is at home, the baby is at home, it’s boring as fuck and there’s nowhere to escape to, and it’s probably hard to figure out which parts of your life have changed due to the baby, and which due to Covid. When the world starts to return to normal and you’re able to go out in the evenings, make sure you negotiate with DH so you each get some hobby/socialising time away from home/baby – a break from it all will improve things, I think.

I felt like that too. And some days I still do. I had PND, but that wasn't the cause of how I was feeling (otherwise I wouldn't feel that way now, when I definitely don't have PND).

I wouldn't have kids again given my time over.

In social psychology, there is a theory of attachment theory. It examines whether we are securely or insecurely attached to our main caregiver.
Please have a read on it and consider your own relationship with your Mum (sorry only read two pages of this thread so not sure if you have mentioned it).
Would you say you were securely attached to her?

I hope you do get to the GP to check for PND, as it does seem likely - but yeah, some mothers also find the baby stage incredibly boring, so you're not alone in that.

I didn't - I loved the baby stage, despite everything - but now I feel a lot more like "why did I bother!" as they enter teens and early tweens. I definitely preferred them being smaller to how they are now!

I don't think I'd ever walk away from them - I do love them - but some days I'd LIKE to just walk away, for sure. Some days I think I don't do them much good, being shouty mum.

@TeckanandMultra

I've spent a lot of my DD's life so far (6 months) wishing I could turn the clock back to around 2015 when I was living alone in a foreign city with amazing friends, a fledgling literary career, a daily yoga routine, plenty of money. Some days I am just so depressed that my life now is as a mother and wife.

I adore DD.

I just fear I've made a massive mistake that has ruined my life, and stopped me reaching my full potential.

My DS is 6 months and I could have written your post word for word. I feel exactly the same.

OP I'm sorry you're feeling this way and I hope it gets better for you, thank you to everyone who has responded to OP because you've made me feel slightly less shit about it all.

I dislike babies in general. I just about tolerated my own, but enjoy very little about the first 18 months of a child’s life. From then on, it gets better and better - give me a tantrumming toddler or a cheeky pre schooler or a petulant teenager over a screaming baby any day. The baby days are (admittedly only in retrospect) very short and things do get better. I went back to work full time after 4 and 5 months with my kids and was a much better person and a better parent for it.

You dont have depression. To be honest, babies are boring as fuck, and toddlers are irritating little shits. No one wants to admit it.