To regret having a baby

[Tiredmum195]

I feel like a terrible person for writing this but here goes...

I have a 4.5 month baby daughter and most days I wish we didn't have her. I don't really enjoy anything about being a mum... I find looking after her a chore and would rather be doing other things. Most of the time my dh looks after her, I just feed her a couple of times a day and take her out in the pram during the day, maybe play with her for 5 mins in her jumperoo thing.

I wasn't someone who desperately wanted a baby and was all excited about having her and these feelings have come out of the blue. Instead the pregnancy was essentially an accident and a shock when it happened and I thought multiple times about having an abortion but didn't because I knew how much my dh wanted a baby and thought he'd never forgive me. I guess there was also an element of wondering if I'd regret it. So I went ahead with it.

I found pregnancy difficult especially with lockdowns etc and suffer with anxiety and have a chronic illness but everything went smoothly. I had an elective c section which went well but I found the recovery very tough especially the first few weeks.

The first 2 months were really hard as we had no support and she screamed and cried all the time and we had little sleep but that's improved now but I don't feel much better.

I don't feel like I have a bond with her, I prefer our pets to her...

I'm worried I'm too selfish to be a mum because I have my own interests and hobbies I want to pursue and I think she just gets in the way of me doing that.
I feel like a terrible person because everyone else loves her but I just don't feel like that and wish we could go back.

Has anyone else felt like this?
Appreciate I'm lrobsbly going to get flamed for this

There’s a good chance you have Post Natal Depression...the vitally important thing to remember is that a big part of suffering from this is that you will be adamant you aren’t and just aren’t bonding with baby! You need to speak to your GP ASAP

I wanted a baby SO MUCH (ivf baby). And when they came I loved them but... my god it’s SO BORING.

I used to tell people that I had never been so busy and yet so bored. You are kept busy with the most mindless tasks - changing feeding winding, it’s relentless.

4 months was a low point (I didn’t have PND). And those who haven’t had a baby in lockdown can understand the utter isolation and misery that coming from being so separate from others creates.

This is just to say - I promise it gets better. They become so much more interesting!! And less like as someone on here once described: “sentient hams”.

I promise it gets better xxxx

I haven't read any of the replies yet but I wanted to say this quickly (in case my own baby wakes and I don't get chance) - I am CERTAIN that you won't be flamed for this. What you're feeling is common. It could be PND, but also, it really could just be the monotony of new parenthood. It is hard, IMO especially when you have already struggled with mental health. I know lots of mums who have felt similar to you, and now their children are toddlers or older children - they're very engaged and love being with their children (some of them are sahp, others have very fulfilling careers - most importantly, they make time for their hobbies and interests where they can). The pandemic has made the whole thing a lot harder, and it was difficult to begin with.

I personally had an incredible first 6 months with my son (after having antenatal depression), but after the hormones from EBF round the clock started to wear off, I had many many days where I sat at home alone with my son wondering what the fuck I had done. I cried multiple times every day, was simultaneously overwhelmed and bored to tears. It was awful. My son also stopped sleeping during this time, which just added to it all. It took until he was about 11 months for things to ease. He's 13 months now and I love being a mum now, I'm planning to be a sahm for the foreseeable future (and am excited about it) and we're thinking of having another.... none of which I could have imagined a few months ago.

I also found HV incredibly unhelpful. But please do speak to your GP in case it’s PND - they are usually really good at treating this if so, they take it super seriously. And please do keep posting here if the rest of us are helping you at all.

Google “matreasance” - the idea that we go through a similar set of hormonal changes after having a baby as we do through adolescence. Of course you feel weird and mad and sad and bad. Sending love!

To put it bluntly, kids are boring, especially babies. They are tedious. All they do is feed sleep and cry really, and if they don't sleep it gets very difficult. Health visitors ime are usually pretty rubbish as are doctors. If a babies screams all the time, there's something wrong with it but unfortunately no one can seem to figure out what that is or find a remedy for it.
It sounds like you had a pretty shit start to being a mum for the first time. I've just had my third in lockdown and it is boring as fuck! Can't go anywhere apart from a walk because everything is shut, so nothing to occupy your days or look forward to, which is what would keep me going usually because I love getting out and about. I'm I'm childminder so was always away on days out with the kids, but now nothing!
Do you think it could be pnd? Perhaps the baby stage is just not for you, but the fact you feel like you have no connection and don't love her, sounds like it could be depression.
Do you ever get a chance to go out yourself and do your hobbies?
I didn't with my second, because frankly my dp was shit. Just expected me to be there for the kids all the time and pissed off whenever he pleased and I felt like I couldn't leave to do anything alone and that contributed to my pnd.

I always say I didn’t really like my son until he was 5 months old, and I didn’t love him until he was 10 months old. Then it was as if someone had flipped a switch and he was suddenly the most important little person in the whole world to me. I always looked after him, made sure his needs were met, did my best with him... but I hated every second. In hindsight I think I had undiagnosed PND, but maybe it really was just the huge lifestyle switch from being active, doing fun things, travel and freedom, to feeling tied to a boring routing and falling so far down my own priority list that I considered a long shower a “treat”. Unbelievably I did go on to have a second child (DH was gobsmacked when I said I wanted another; DS was about 18 months at that point) and I didn’t feel the same at all second time. I wouldn’t say instant love, but much more affection than I had for my firstborn. I think that makes it more likely that I’d had PND the first time. I wish I’d sought some help.

For a bright motivated curious-about-life person, having a baby is the most boring thing in the world. It's like watching paint dry only it's about a 1000 times more hard work.

I hated the baby years. Kids are much older now and around the age of 3 it got better, no more buggy, nappies etc. I did my best to keep them happy, clothed, feeling loved etc and of course I did love them and wanted the very best for them - but me as a person - I was very very depressed by the whole affair as I like to be out and about doing things and getting on with my interests in life.

I adore them now. It really does get better. We have a great time together. it's not perfect. It never is but I love our family.

I'm not sure there's an easy solution. Maybe stick to just the one. It's not forever, only 18 years out of a total of probably 80. Try to keep it in perspective. Your depression sounds troubling though.

Have you tried coaching and perhaps mindset coaching? I found nothing worked particularly to shift my state of mine until I found myself a great mindset coach and everything started to unlock about how my thoughts were on loop 24/7 and they were creating my reality.

Perhaps you have past unresolved trauma that needs attention?

If you suffer from depression generally you're more likely to have pnd.
You need to see you gp and perhaps try different meds.
There is a lot to choose from and the correct ones may help.

I was also going to suggest possible PND.

Even if not it’s worth speaking to your GP to consider it.

I didn't really enjoy the baby stage. I found that things became more 'fun' from about 12 months. Once their little personality really starts to show & getting out the house isn't some kind of military operation. I'm sure a baby in lockdown must make everything 100 times worse.
Please talk to your gp about how you are feeling 💐 x

I really dislike the idea that finding yourself bored out of your head by looking after a new baby must be a sign that you have a mental illness. Early motherhood is absolute drudgery, there is very little that is interesting or engaging about it, and and I bet most people would prefer to be doing something else given the opportunity.

The main consolation is that it does, for the most part, get better, and you might bond more successfully with your daughter when she's older. Children are generally more interesting than babies, and teenagers more interesting than children, in my experience.

yup, kids are so overrated.

I envy anyone with a childless life.

I posted the same a few months ago tbh OP. I felt trapped at home, I missed my old life and my baby was boring. I've never been overly maternal, but my husband was desperate for a child and I felt it maybe wasn't such a bad time, since we'd travelled etc etc. I did not plan for a goddamn pandemic...

Most of the other mums I met yelled at from a distance told me how wonderful being a mum was and made me feel worse. People on here were much more honest and made me feel less shit. I spent months doing looooong walks because I literally didn't know what else to do with my DS.

My DS is now nearly 11 months old and generally hilarious. We're going for a bike ride today, yesterday he hindered planting stuff in the garden by pulling things back out and on Monday we walked to a garden centre, bought cake and sat on a bench in the sun.

TL:DR: you're not alone.

I've spent a lot of my DD's life so far (6 months) wishing I could turn the clock back to around 2015 when I was living alone in a foreign city with amazing friends, a fledgling literary career, a daily yoga routine, plenty of money. Some days I am just so depressed that my life now is as a mother and wife.

I adore DD.

I just fear I've made a massive mistake that has ruined my life, and stopped me reaching my full potential.

In my area the health visitors run free baby bonding and massage courses over zoom. Maybe if there is something like that in your area it could help your bond with your daughter? I was also advised to try skin to skin again like a newborn when I went through a wobbly patch of feeling unconnected to my DD at 3 months. I didn’t BF but I used to cuddle her under a blanket just wearing a nappy.

Oh OP, I empathise, I felt the same. It wasn't until DS was a toddler that I would say I 'enjoyed' being a mother. Still loved him and he was well cared for, but I felt daily that I had made a mistake, reminiscing about life before etc. With lockdown it must be even harder, so please be kind to yourself. If you feel comfortable to do so, maybe reach out to your HV?

Don't blame yourself OP, lots of people feel like that. Babies can be very dull.

I had ds late and had a challenging career before he came along. DS was a relatively easy baby - slept, fed as he should and generally healthy. By the time I had recovered from the birth, I was bored stupid. And my DP was out from 7-7 every day so I was alone.

I found very quickly that if I put DS in a sling, packed a day bag and went hiking or travelling, I was much happier. DS got loads of fresh air, he was a very well travelled baby and I didn't feel so confined. That sling was my saviour.

You do sound depressed OP. I think you need to seek help. Nobody in their right mind would flame you but if you don’t try to fix it you could end up doing damage to your long term relationships. The GP will understand.

YANBU - All mothers feel like this at times, but talking to someone could help you, whether or not it's PND. It can make a huge difference to feel less isolated and alone. You could try the HV or GP, or alternatively, try local charities to find support that suits you:
Parents1st: parents1st.org.uk/
Mind: www.mind.org.uk
Home Start: www.home-start.org.uk/
FamilyLine: www.family-action.org.uk/what-we-do/children-families/familyline/
Kids Matter: www.kidsmatter.org.uk/
Tommy's: www.tommys.org/pregnancy-information/im-pregnant/mental-wellbeing/postnatal-depression-pnd

@Pumpkin97

I’ve had countless sessions of cbt/counselling and ultimately it hasn’t helped. Tried sertraline and citalopram and made me very unwell. Wouldn’t touch ads again. I think definitely the COVID situation is making things worse as don’t see anyone, nowhere to go etc and was also shielding for most of last year

Ok, it sounds as if you have suffered from low mood for a long time and have sought help which hasn’t been useful. So to flip this, what does help? Exercise? Time alone? Music? Decent food? There are many resources on managing depression without medication.

Please talk to your GP anyway and ask for support. You are the expert on you so find someone willing to engage well. Also I would strongly advise that you consider doing some specific work around bonding with your baby. Again, lots online. Activities that encourage eye contact and touch, simple games, gentle massage and skin to skin contact.

Nothing will change overnight but you can gradually build the bonds and they will grow strong. Passing the vast majority of her care to your DH might seem the best thing if he seems better at it but just as if the roles were reversed, you need to start small and it will become more natural over time.

Please please get help with this, it is a lifetime relationship you are growing. Needing support is fine.

@burritofan

Babies are extremely intense and terribly boring. Your sleep suffers; your recovery/self-care/alone time suffers. They scream and shit and don’t give a lot back. It does improve when they can interact with you.

Are you getting much sleep and do you have a support network? Do you tell your DH how you feel? Is your health visitor one of the good ones, to whom you could talk – you could be suffering post-natal depression. I’d talk to your HV, GP, midwife, trusted friend, and seek counselling for how you’re feeling.

Not all babies scream ...Some are delightfully good natured and easy to be around. Neighbours have had a baby {Christmas} and so far the DC seems delightfully good natured.

My own DC was good natured...
BUT....the Health Visitor said ''You won't be as lucky next time''....and Never wanted another DC..Felt no need to, as couldn't bear risking having a screamer.

Babies are born with definite personalities...A grumpy sullen baby would be hard for anyone to deal with.

Just wanted to send you some love OP. This all sounds very, very normal.

I did always want to be a mum, and I still feel like this. This bloody last year especially. For me, all the aspects of parenting I really enjoy have been stripped away this last year. I enjoy baby classes, watching my girls play with friends, their aunts and uncles, days out at the zoo etc. I don’t enjoy the mundanity of coaxing a toddler to carry on walking whilst her baby sister screams because it’s cold and she’s bored.

My partner struggled terrible with both of our girls prior to 6 months. It’s a really difficult age I think because they are so reliant on you, not yet on the move but are beginning to want to engage in things but just can’t quite do it yet. It’s so all consuming. My youngest is almost 10 months old and already I’m enjoying her so much more, but still not as much as her big sis who is almost 3.

It will get easier, I promise x

Whilst I don’t relate to your feelings OP, no judgement.

Some people make mistakes.

When that mistake is having a child, you have to me tell box up the feelings of regret. You don’t get a way out. You’re a parent.

Make the best of it.

Please don’t worry- it’s very common.

You may not have bonded and/or you may have post natal depression. Not wanting to be around your baby is a very common symptom of that. Please do contact your GP and ask for an assessment, and tell your health visitor.

You won’t be in trouble or have your baby taken away- but it is important to get treatment and support.

Of course you may not have PND! You may just not be enjoying this stage: I didn’t. I really struggled having a newborn and I wasn’t having to do it in a pandemic. Cut yourself some slack.

You’re still in the really hard bit. I found it easier from 8 months and enjoyable around 11 months.

Do you have any family support? You’re entitled to form a support bubble as you have a child under 1. Please don’t suffer alone.

As hard as it is, please don’t blame your baby or ignore her. Even if you have to fake it, do smile at her and cuddle her lots- it’s so important for attachment and her sense of feeling nurtured (even if deep down you don’t yet feel it). This is especially important if your DP is going back to work and it’ll just be you looking after her.

Baby groups are restarting soon- going to one each day or a few times a week will help- you need adult company. Look in to a few of these near you.

Please do ask for professional help though, and don’t suffer alone.

It's probably not PND. It's "just" the drudgery of being the parent of a new born, made worse by being in lockdown

This. I know people mean well, but I wish MNettes would stop labelling every new mum who is finding it hard as mentally ill. Of course, PND may be part of the problem, and it's sensible for the OP to talk to her GP. But you don't have to have PND to find a small baby hard work and unrewarding. Posters automatically dismissing the OP's feelings as PND are giving her the message that she can only be feeling this way if there is something medically wrong with her. That isn't true. Many, many women who are not depressed feel like this because having a small baby is fucking hard.