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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To regret having a baby

130 replies

Tiredmum195 · 17/03/2021 10:50

I feel like a terrible person for writing this but here goes...

I have a 4.5 month baby daughter and most days I wish we didn't have her. I don't really enjoy anything about being a mum... I find looking after her a chore and would rather be doing other things. Most of the time my dh looks after her, I just feed her a couple of times a day and take her out in the pram during the day, maybe play with her for 5 mins in her jumperoo thing.

I wasn't someone who desperately wanted a baby and was all excited about having her and these feelings have come out of the blue. Instead the pregnancy was essentially an accident and a shock when it happened and I thought multiple times about having an abortion but didn't because I knew how much my dh wanted a baby and thought he'd never forgive me. I guess there was also an element of wondering if I'd regret it. So I went ahead with it.

I found pregnancy difficult especially with lockdowns etc and suffer with anxiety and have a chronic illness but everything went smoothly. I had an elective c section which went well but I found the recovery very tough especially the first few weeks.

The first 2 months were really hard as we had no support and she screamed and cried all the time and we had little sleep but that's improved now but I don't feel much better.

I don't feel like I have a bond with her, I prefer our pets to her...

I'm worried I'm too selfish to be a mum because I have my own interests and hobbies I want to pursue and I think she just gets in the way of me doing that.
I feel like a terrible person because everyone else loves her but I just don't feel like that and wish we could go back.

Has anyone else felt like this?
Appreciate I'm lrobsbly going to get flamed for this

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 17/03/2021 14:41

@LunaLula83

You dont have depression. To be honest, babies are boring as fuck, and toddlers are irritating little shits. No one wants to admit it.
I think it’s very dangerous to say that, she may have depression, and it could deteriorate, you simply can’t make assumptions like thus that could be harmful.
EasterGuineaPig · 17/03/2021 14:45

@LunaLula83

You dont have depression. To be honest, babies are boring as fuck, and toddlers are irritating little shits. No one wants to admit it.
That really isn’t helpful, you could discourage someone who really needs help from getting it.
Rangoon · 17/03/2021 14:59

I had very planned children and I didn't enjoy motherhood with small babies. There are people who can play childish games with children for simply hours but I was bored within minutes. People would say things like "I suppose you can't imagine life without him" when I had been imagining that very thing! I confessed to my mother who had a real struggle to have me an only late in life baby and she laughed and told me that she had felt exactly the same at the beginning. The thing is I knew my mum loved me very much and we were close but obviously that had come later rather than me being adored from birth. It was the same with my children.

This is bearing in mind that I had a lot of childcare and a nanny from near birth so I wasn't having the struggle to look after the baby on my own. I was also blessed with children that cried very little and slept through at 6 and 8 weeks respectively. I wasn't depressed and in fact was back at work at six weeks after each of them and glad to have continent beings to deal with who followed my instructions. In fact I've often thought that guilt over not feeling instant love for your child is the cause of a lot of post natal depression.

roomtomove · 17/03/2021 15:00

You aren't a bad mum at all OP. Posting on here shows you care and need to talk about it.

I second the suggestion of putting your dd in day care a few days a week. It'll give you and your dh some time to do the things that have to be depriortised as a result of looking after your dd.

Having a baby in lockdown is incredibly tough and once you are able to get out and about a bit more I'm sure you'll feel better and not as physically trapped.

roomtomove · 17/03/2021 15:03

I should say if you search the archives you'll see many other threads from women who've also regretted having a baby. It happens.

Birdslovesinging · 17/03/2021 15:05

Please see your GP OP. It sounds like you have PND. Having a baby for the first time is the most overwhelming & life changing experience. You can no longer leave your home with out a baby, you have a huge responsibility to keep thu

UltimateBlends · 17/03/2021 15:07

@LunaLula83

You dont have depression. To be honest, babies are boring as fuck, and toddlers are irritating little shits. No one wants to admit it.
What a horrible thing to say - I think everyone who has replied here has been honest about babies/toddlers/parenthood not being great/boring/hardworking, so clearly many of us will admit it. I believe a PP every refered to newborn as a sentient ham (made me laugh) so clearly, many of us are very honest of the realities of early parenthood in particular.

What is not helpful and very damaging is "you don't have depression"

I went through hell and ruined my relationship due to that kind of blue sky, suck it up, dont be daft thinking-

If someone, anyone, had just sat with me and said "hold on UltimateBlends, what's really going on? Are you struggling? How can we make this better"

I would have very likely have had a marriage and be a full time mum still. Instead I went down the total opposite route and didn't realise until I had hindsight just what trauma I was going through.

Very dangerous, just to tell someone "you don't have depression"

Op clearly needs support, if it turns out to be depression or not, only her GP can tell her this.

Luckily enough of us have given her advice that's not simply "you don't have depression" - that may influence the person suffering not to seek help.

Birdslovesinging · 17/03/2021 15:08

@Birdslovesinging

Please see your GP OP. It sounds like you have PND. Having a baby for the first time is the most overwhelming & life changing experience. You can no longer leave your home with out a baby, you have a huge responsibility to keep thu
This child alive & you have to put your life on hold for a little bit but it does absolutely get better and I'm talking from experience. I was you but 5 years ago. I have the best bond with my child now. I love her so so much and I feel so guilty for not enjoying her first year but it wasnt my fault or hers..please get help. Xx
mabelandivy · 17/03/2021 15:11

I think your post will resonate with many if they're honest. It did with me. I can't even begin to imagine what it must be like to have a baby in lockdown. Have you thought about speaking to your GP / HV? It may be that you're experiencing PND. It would be good to talk it through with somebody so you can have the necessary support. Don't be hard on yourself. Babies are extremely hard work. I had totally underestimated what it would be like and spent many days crying, thinking what have I done. I'm out the other side now and as cliched as it will sound, it does get easier.

lydia2021 · 17/03/2021 15:18

Yeah, babies need so much imput. It does get better, then the school run starts. I hated the school run. Tied to a few hours, before pick up. Barely got anything done, while they at school. When I was new mother, I had the pram and stuff. But when I took her out in pram, I felt surreal, as if I was pushing a dolls pram. And I wasnt really a new mother, who felt soooo responsible for her for next 18 years. I can laugh about it now, but I didn't at the time. Time passes and kids fit in with us, not the other way round.

AliasGrape · 17/03/2021 15:41

@LunaLula83

You dont have depression. To be honest, babies are boring as fuck, and toddlers are irritating little shits. No one wants to admit it.
You have no way of knowing that.

Lots of people do enjoy their babies and toddlers. I was really struggling and I’m really grateful to the people who told me it might be PND - I didn’t agree with them at the time but it sent me in the direction of looking for help and I’m doing so much better and actually enjoying being a mum. Please don’t put people off seeking help.

AliasGrape · 17/03/2021 16:02

@RoyalCorgi

I really dislike the idea that finding yourself bored out of your head by looking after a new baby must be a sign that you have a mental illness. Early motherhood is absolute drudgery, there is very little that is interesting or engaging about it, and and I bet most people would prefer to be doing something else given the opportunity.

The main consolation is that it does, for the most part, get better, and you might bond more successfully with your daughter when she's older. Children are generally more interesting than babies, and teenagers more interesting than children, in my experience.

The OP has posted that she has depression so it’s a fair assumption that might be at play here.

I dislike the assumption that babies are terrible, motherhood is awful for everyone and therefore anyone who is struggling should just get on with it, be miserable for the next 3 years and just hope it might get a bit better after that.

Yes having a baby is bloody hard at times but it’s also possible to love your baby, want to spend time with them and enjoy at least some of their babyhood. When my dd was born last year and I was so sad and low all I could think about were the many mumsnet threads I’d read saying how normal it is to hate being a parent and regret having your children. I thought ‘oh well, that must be me then, I’ll just have to get on with it’. Someone else said it me ‘yeah that’s what it’s like, babies are hard’ and I thought well I better not complain though or ask for help because everyone else must feel like this too. When the midwife started talking about PND I thought ‘for god’s sake woman I had a traumatic birth, wasn’t able to feed the way I wanted to, I haven’t slept in weeks and we’ve just gone back into fucking lockdown,
I think I’m allowed to feel a bit shit’. But she pushed it and got me to speak to the GP and I ended up finding a local support group who have made the world of difference. Like I said above, I can enjoy being a mum now, at least some of the time. I can see that it’s absolutely not normal to feel the way I was feeling.
Normal in the sense of common and understandable? - yes
Normal in the sense of just get on with it and don’t even look into the possibility that you might be able to feel better - definitely not.

Notanotherhun · 17/03/2021 16:17

@LunaLula83

You dont have depression. To be honest, babies are boring as fuck, and toddlers are irritating little shits. No one wants to admit it.
Thank YOU! Grin Truth!
Sunhoop · 17/03/2021 16:19

More people than you could imagine feel this way I reckon.

I know I certainly did although the circumstances were slightly different in that I had a traumatic birth and her dad was useless after she was born so I ended up caring for her 24/7 pretty much never getting a break (unless lovely mum helped) I think these things very much contributed to my feelings about motherhood at the time but I think I would have struggled regardless.

I always wanted DC but I'm not suited to it and I didn't realise until I'd done it. Only consolation is it really really does get easier and I do love my DC very much now. Still have days when I wish I hadn't done it but the good days finally outweigh the bad.

Flowers
FTEngineerM · 17/03/2021 17:32

I love how someone not enjoying part of parenting is branded as having a mental illness so easily.

In no other situation would that happen, nor would it happen to men.

Not every parent enjoys every part of parenting and that’s ok. We’re not super human.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 17/03/2021 19:13

There are some pretty stupid people on here. It's not just that the OP finds it boring, she says she has no connection to her daughter, and feels like she doesn't love her. You don't feel like that just because babies are boring. It's irresponsible and fucking idiotic to tell someone they definitely don't have depression, when there's a very real chance they might. Trust me it's not helpful. Those words could be the reassurance a mother who is depressed but doesn't realise it herself needs to convince her she's fine and it's all normal. It's normal to find babies boring, it's not normal to feel as though you don't love your child.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 17/03/2021 19:16

@FTEngineerM

I love how someone not enjoying part of parenting is branded as having a mental illness so easily.

In no other situation would that happen, nor would it happen to men.

Not every parent enjoys every part of parenting and that’s ok. We’re not super human.

The OP enjoys bone of it, that's more the problem. Maybe try reading before you jump in with ridiculous comments. Oh and yes, I would say that to a men who felt like he didn't love his child and didn't want to take part in any aspect of parenting.
EasterGuineaPig · 17/03/2021 19:27

@FTEngineerM

I love how someone not enjoying part of parenting is branded as having a mental illness so easily.

In no other situation would that happen, nor would it happen to men.

Not every parent enjoys every part of parenting and that’s ok. We’re not super human.

She said she has no bond with her baby. Also the use of the word ‘branded’ sounds quite derogatory. That probably isn’t your intention, but PND is common, as is anxiety and depression. Perhaps she has PND and perhaps she doesn’t but there’s no harm in seeking help.
FTEngineerM · 17/03/2021 19:39

@EasterGuineaPig you’re right, not intended as derogatory, mental illness is a serious issue and hence why it shouldn’t be thrown around every time I read a thread where a mother is bored/not enjoying it/wants to go back to work early or what ever.

Can you bond with a ‘little sack of boring’ as one blog put it?

We’re all aware it’s immensely hard having a newborn and 50 years ago it was ‘just take these sweetie’ if the mother expressed tiredness/exhaustion/asking for help.

I don’t know about anyone else but I much prefer parenting my responsive 9m old that is lots of fun to be around than the tiny newborn that just shit and eat all day long.

EasterGuineaPig · 17/03/2021 19:53

@FTEngineerM Of course you can bond with a newborn. That bond grows over time, but for the OP things aren’t getting any better. Help for potential PND doesn’t have to mean medication.

AliasGrape · 17/03/2021 19:58

[quote FTEngineerM]@EasterGuineaPig you’re right, not intended as derogatory, mental illness is a serious issue and hence why it shouldn’t be thrown around every time I read a thread where a mother is bored/not enjoying it/wants to go back to work early or what ever.

Can you bond with a ‘little sack of boring’ as one blog put it?

We’re all aware it’s immensely hard having a newborn and 50 years ago it was ‘just take these sweetie’ if the mother expressed tiredness/exhaustion/asking for help.

I don’t know about anyone else but I much prefer parenting my responsive 9m old that is lots of fun to be around than the tiny newborn that just shit and eat all day long.[/quote]
The OP doesn't have a tiny newborn she has a 4,5 month old. She doesn't enjoy any part of parenting, doesn't feel any bond and wishes her daughter didn't exist. She's said herself that she has depression and did before she had the baby.

No, nobody loves every part of parenting. But what the op said sounds a bit above and beyond.

I didn't find the suggestion that I had pnd to be branding me as having a mental illness. PND can often be temporary and situational and more acute at first before hopefully getting easier.

But posts like that can make you think that because it's so 'normal' to be miserable as a parent you're better off suffering in silence rather than seeking help, lest you be 'branded' as having a mental illness.

Isn't it better that an OP who is clearly unhappy enough to ask for help here at least consider it as an option and speak to a professional who might be best placed to diagnose or not and signpost her to support.

OP if you're still reading please do think about speaking to a GP or in the meantime googling to see if theres a PANDAS or other similar support group in your area. The one I joined doesn't require any kind of diagnosis and is for any mum finding it hard for any reason. Every single mum joined thinking it probably wasn't for them and probably wouldn't help but it has helped a great number of them so worth a try at least?

FTEngineerM · 17/03/2021 19:59

Where in the OP does she say she has depression, have my eyes broken 😬 that’s more than one saying I’m missing stuff. Help. There’s been one post?

RoseLimeade · 17/03/2021 20:00

I think she had a name change fail on the first page so there’s at least one other post from OP that won’t come up when you select to see OP’s posts.

ILoveSlipperss · 17/03/2021 20:00

My little girl is 4 and I still have moments I regret having her. I hate being a mum 50% of the time. It’s such hard work and she’s such a handful, and she’s always poorly which gives me anxiety. I feel like I’ve ruined my life. I’m so loving towards her though, constantly cuddling and telling each other how much we love each other so I know she doesn’t feel unwanted. She is wanted im just struggling

AliasGrape · 17/03/2021 20:01

@FTEngineerM

Where in the OP does she say she has depression, have my eyes broken 😬 that’s more than one saying I’m missing stuff. Help. There’s been one post?
It's not in the OP it's a subsequent post but I think there's been a name change issue as it's not highlighted green so easy to miss.