Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To regret having a baby

130 replies

Tiredmum195 · 17/03/2021 10:50

I feel like a terrible person for writing this but here goes...

I have a 4.5 month baby daughter and most days I wish we didn't have her. I don't really enjoy anything about being a mum... I find looking after her a chore and would rather be doing other things. Most of the time my dh looks after her, I just feed her a couple of times a day and take her out in the pram during the day, maybe play with her for 5 mins in her jumperoo thing.

I wasn't someone who desperately wanted a baby and was all excited about having her and these feelings have come out of the blue. Instead the pregnancy was essentially an accident and a shock when it happened and I thought multiple times about having an abortion but didn't because I knew how much my dh wanted a baby and thought he'd never forgive me. I guess there was also an element of wondering if I'd regret it. So I went ahead with it.

I found pregnancy difficult especially with lockdowns etc and suffer with anxiety and have a chronic illness but everything went smoothly. I had an elective c section which went well but I found the recovery very tough especially the first few weeks.

The first 2 months were really hard as we had no support and she screamed and cried all the time and we had little sleep but that's improved now but I don't feel much better.

I don't feel like I have a bond with her, I prefer our pets to her...

I'm worried I'm too selfish to be a mum because I have my own interests and hobbies I want to pursue and I think she just gets in the way of me doing that.
I feel like a terrible person because everyone else loves her but I just don't feel like that and wish we could go back.

Has anyone else felt like this?
Appreciate I'm lrobsbly going to get flamed for this

OP posts:
GuacamoleParty · 17/03/2021 11:36

If echo what others have said, go see your GP re PND. But also babies just aren't that exciting. I found mat leave pretty boring for a while and also wished I could 'get my life back'. But DC is older now and much more interesting! Parenting changes as they grow and I have an amazing bond with our DC now.

MaverickDanger · 17/03/2021 11:36

Definitely worth speaking to your HV & GP.

I have an 11 week old & he’s a bloody brilliant baby, but it’s still so tough. Just the fact that it is never-ending - eat, sleep, shit, repeat.

Lockdown has made it worse I imagine, although he’s my first, as it’s just the above in one place.

You’re not alone, keep posting on here for the support of other women saying “yep me too” but please get some in-person support from HV/GP and family/friends if possible. You are allowed a support bubble so please use it if you can. You’ve already taken the first step in admitting that you’re finding it tough.

AgathaAllAlong · 17/03/2021 11:36

Just to add to what everyone has said, you are not a bad mother or a bad person. It's tough. It's especially tough to bond if you're not the one doing the main Caring but are the one doing the drudgery. I'd say try and spend some short quality time with her doing something you love - take her for an outdoor coffee and cake, dance around to a favourite song with her, take her somewhere you love. Try and carve out quality time together that isn't just you looking after her wishing you were somewhere else.

I honestly didn't enjoy the first 6 months and also felt I bonded poorly at first, but after 6 months was like a switch and I just enjoyed him more and more each day until I felt I had a really good bond. There is time don't worry!

Bluntness100 · 17/03/2021 11:37

Op I think you need to speak to your gp as you may have post natal depression.

BoomyBooms · 17/03/2021 11:38

I could have written this word for word. You are absolutely not alone, its just that people don't talk about it.

Around 4 months was the absolute worst time for me, and it's been getting better since. She's now just over one and we are in a very much better place. I won't lie, I still don't love everything about being a mum but I am clearly able to see that it's lockdown that is responsible for 90% of my feelings. I struggle to delineate the two because lockdown and first baby happened at the same time for me.

Going back to work has helped, and getting out with her as much as possible has helped. We have NCT friends and we keep busy. I go out for socially distanced walks twice a day and I know that's not strictly legal right now but neither is chucking my daughter out of a window and I know which is the better option. We enjoy being out together - it entertains both of us and we have a much nicer time. I just can't sit home with her being bored! I also practise a lot of mindfulness where o recognise the negative feelings but try not to get attached to them. I want to rewire my brain differently not keep reinforcing the same negative thoughts by thinking them over and over. That's probably a bit advanced for you right now though.

Do talk to GP. There's a mood checklist on NHS website which will give you a good idea, and you could take the results on with you to help you speak to GP.

cptartapp · 17/03/2021 11:42

I never regretted having my babies but those first few months weren't good. I went back to work part time at four and five months each time through sheer boredom and to get a break, and put them in nursery. We had no family help. I instantly felt 1000% better. I knew time would I,prove things but I wasn't prepared to count the weeks away.
Now 18 and nearly 16 and never a single regret. Work saved my sanity and my pension looks great.
We're all bonded well enough.

Crayfishforyou · 17/03/2021 11:43

It’s normal to feel like you do but it is also horrible to live through.
I hated the baby stage and found toddlers hard work. I used to stop myself from crying because I was so tired I didn’t have the energy to spare.
I have a really good relationship with dd now but I feel so guilty about her early years. I just wasn’t there.

notdaddycool · 17/03/2021 11:49

My brother told me kids get better and better, at least until 10/11 he was so right. I expect it will get a lot better for you as DC knocks off a few milestones.

Aquamarine1029 · 17/03/2021 11:49

I think you need to be a lot easier on yourself. You can absolutely hate parenting yet still love your child, and that in no way makes you a bad person or a bad mother. Right now with her so little, everything can seeming like a slog.

Pancakepipsqueak · 17/03/2021 11:50

Hi OP. I have a 5and a half month old and could have written this post about 7 weeks ago. I started on anti depressants 6 weeks ago and the difference is night and day. My LO is also now more smiley and laughing which has helped.
It’s normal to feel like this - and the likelihood is it will get better on its own - but there’s no shame in getting help from GP. I started sertraline 50mg

pointythings · 17/03/2021 11:52

Looking back I found the newborn stage the hardest and the least interesting. All the stages afterwards have been far, far better - and I include the teenage years in that. Very young babies are cute and cuddly, but not very interesting. When they start becoming little people with a voice and will of their own, the fun starts.

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 17/03/2021 11:52

No flaming here! You might well have post natal depression, even if you don't think you feel depressed, especially if you already suffer from anxiety. The huge change in hormones at the birth can trigger it and one of the main signs can be the lack of a bond between you and the baby, feeling like you don't love him/her, and what particularly struck me was saying you prefer your pets. Get yourself to the GP and don't take no for an answer! If you have PND then this is an illness and with treatment you can feel normal.
If not, just stick with it, the bond will come in time and you'll get there in the end. Good luck Thanks

UltimateBlends · 17/03/2021 11:53

Hello op,
I havent read through all the thread, but wanted to add my experience- just like you, I struggled with the baby days. It was awful. I really struggled to cope. I did everything similar to you, letting my DP handle most thing. I left DS with my parents even in the early days.

I had PND and didn't realise it at all, nobody helped me, I had no support, I didnt even know it was a thing.
I ended up ruining my marriage because of it. I became selfish and self serving and wasn't the mummy I should have been.
I wanted out, and ended up with a situation of my own making and a 50/50 split with my ex.
How I wish i could turn back time now. DS will be 8 soon, and it like a different world. A better world.
He is so much fun, we get along so well, I adore every moment I have with him, it gets better and better.
The fog for me, started to lift when DS was about 3, and started becoming more independent.
By then it was too late. My depression (feeling like I wanted to run, was a rubbish mum, feeling no bond) had turned my life 360.
I regret it terribly.

Turns out the baby years, just weren't my happy place. The child years are. They're so much better.
The baby years don't last forever, op. In fact, it's such a short period of time - and you are right at the very tedious, hardwork, sleep deprivation start.

I'm sure many PP have pointed you in the direction of support, take it, and keep going. Your not alone, and your feelings aren't abnormal.
Keep seeking support and talking, please don't do what I did do and go down the route I had.

If only I'd have known my life story would be a very different one, 8 years on. I wish I had known to ask for help.

MintLampShade · 17/03/2021 11:58

I hope you are not going to get flamed OP. Being a Mum is sooooo hard, we should support each other. Not everyone takes to motherhood naturally and many women lie about how easy they find it for the fear of being judged so there's that too. Also, bonding doesn't happen straight away, sometimes it can take months and months! And I think lockdown FTMs have it even harder as not only you have a new baby and your life is upside down, but you can't see anyone or do any of the things that make you remotely feel like a human being / yourself.

Please don't beat yourself up but I would probably call your GP for a chat if you are up for that. In case you have PND, you really don't want to let it get worse Thanks

Pumpkin97 · 17/03/2021 12:01

Thank you for all your replies. I went back to work when she was 7 weeks... I'm self employed though and wfh. My dh is also working full time at home.
I just don't know if it's pnd because I was already depressed before I had her

WhoAreYah · 17/03/2021 12:02

I genuinely believe you have post natal depression. You need to speak to your GP xx

Flowers24 · 17/03/2021 12:02

I think its incredibly brave of you to post this honest account of how you are feeling. I think many would feel this way but wont admit it. Firstly, seek help from your GP in case it is lingering over to Pnd. Secondly, its hard at the moment with lockdowns but soon hopefully you can meet with a friend who maybe has a baby, and then go to soft play, baby groups, might help.
I know some mums / dads who really struggled in the baby stage but loved it when they became toddlers etc and children.

Virtual hugs xx

Flowers24 · 17/03/2021 12:03

Can I ask, you say you were already depressed before you had her, are you on medication or having treatment for depression?

gmailconfusion2 · 17/03/2021 12:03

It took me months to bond with her, to start with I was caring for her to the best of my abilities, and I'd say only know i would put everything on hold for her. But at 8 months its still frustrating, I'm not a baby person, much prefer toddlers. I can not wait til I;m back at work

Wondermule · 17/03/2021 12:06

@Pumpkin97

Thank you for all your replies. I went back to work when she was 7 weeks... I'm self employed though and wfh. My dh is also working full time at home. I just don't know if it's pnd because I was already depressed before I had her
I’m going to be an outlier here, I don’t think OP has PND (although absolutely visit GP to rule it out). I think certain types of mums (usually who are quite focussed on careers/hobbies, enjoy personal space etc) struggle a bit more with the baby days because they’re very limiting. Throw the stupid pandemic into the mix and it makes things a lot worse. You just need to find an arrangement that suits you.

Op, I’m like you. It will be okay and you are doing a good job as a mother. Is there any way you could go back to work full time and have your DP be a stay at home dad? Things will open up soon and you can get back to your hobbies & projects which will make you feel a lot better.

Do keep posting if you find it therapeutic Flowers

PolarnOPirate · 17/03/2021 12:06

You are soooooo new to it all. At the very very beginning. Chances are it will get more enjoyable as the baby gets more interactive. I have 2 kids and loooooads of hobbies. See your doc about PND, I don't have PND but do have anxiety and sertraline has changed my life.

Xpectations · 17/03/2021 12:06

I’m not a parent so I have no experience to relate from.
I did have a mum who was post-natally depressed throughout my childhood and I feel so sorry for her, remembering what it was like. She could only do the bare minimum in terms of work and housework and would be in bed at all other times. She was like a robot. She had her pnd treated when I was in my 20s and actually seemed to enjoy life.
I think it’s worth speaking to your health professional about this, even if only to rule out pnd.

Flowers24 · 17/03/2021 12:08

Think op went back.to work after 7 weeks and is self employed.? Do you work at home?

MatildaTheCat · 17/03/2021 12:12

@Pumpkin97

Thank you for all your replies. I went back to work when she was 7 weeks... I'm self employed though and wfh. My dh is also working full time at home. I just don't know if it's pnd because I was already depressed before I had her
@Tiredmum195 antenatal depression is also very common but much less talked about that PND. There’s probably more stigma attached to saying you aren’t excited about your pregnancy unfortunately.

Please speak to a sympathetic GP and consider any treatment they might suggest. It really can be better than this.

Best wishes.

Pumpkin97 · 17/03/2021 12:17

I’ve had countless sessions of cbt/counselling and ultimately it hasn’t helped. Tried sertraline and citalopram and made me very unwell. Wouldn’t touch ads again.
I think definitely the COVID situation is making things worse as don’t see anyone, nowhere to go etc and was also shielding for most of last year