To think that all men watch porn even when in a sexually gratifying relationship ?

[pedestalpony]

Possibly done to death but do they or at least the majority and if so are you ok with it ?
No real back story but have reason to believe that my bf does now and again ... mainly through presumption of women he follows on Facebook ... first six pictures etc.
I know he also games with many men and women throughout the world through that platform so he has many' friends' from that..
He doesn't like or comment on the women's posts but they show up now and again on the six profile pics of his friends on Facebook .
Am I being a prude/ presumptuous / overthinking .

These discussions do always go the same way.

I'm completely able to understand that other people may not share the same life experiences as me, I understand that some men use pornography habitually and harmfully. Why can people accept that some men don't use pornography in that way?

I think it's not the posters that are confident their husband's and partners don't use porn that are 'deluded, rather the posters that are absolutely convinced that 'all men use porn' have been gaslighteded and sold a fucking pup.

For the purposes of this thread I just asked my husband about his porn usage and got exactly the answer I expected. He looked at some 'vintage porn' about a year ago. He thinks mainstream porn is awful, even without the considerations of trafficked women, the content is deeply unpleasant, and harmful to both men and women.

I know he's being honest. A) I can tell, we've been together nearly 20 years. B) Our sex life is mutually respectful and as much about my pleasure as his. Men who marinade themselves in porn don't make very good lovers.

So I do know my husband does not use pornography, other than a possible annual 'plumber scenario' from about 1987.

I have absolutely no problem with erotica, and erotic imagery that doesn't include me. I'm very self-assured. DH follows some IG accounts that I would class as 'tasteful erotica', they're beautiful photos celebrating the human body, I find them quite arousing, generally b&w shots suggesting sexuality, the curve of a breast in shadow, a well muscled back. That's erotica, what you can't see!

A flash of ankle used to be considered a bit risqué.

If you can see a woman being anallly penetrated to the point of prolapse at the click of a mouse, where do you go from there?

And that's without even bringing trafficking, coercion and vulnerable women into the equation. The content itself is harmful.

I think porn is being normalized. I think it will be a very different situation when today's teens are in their 30/40/50s. See here: www.theguardian.com/culture/2020/jan/31/porn-survey-uk-teenagers-viewing-habits-bbfc

I don't know if DH watches porn. We share home computer and tablet, he has a work phone, but who knows?

I do know he has a wank...in fact I've asked him to show me how it does it

@ShrikeAttack

I always think it's a bit odd when posters proclaim that all men watch porn and that women that think they don't are somehow naive or deluded. I don't understand why they're so keen to insist it's so. Is it because they have to believe that to accept their own partner's porn usage, or because they want to be seen as somehow more worldly?

Do I think the vast majority of men have seen porn at some point? Yes. Do I think all men use porn on a regular basis? No. Because, just like women, all men are individuals, have different tastes, desires, sexual motivations and moral frameworks.

It's a bit strange to make such sweeping statements.

It's the smugness, as if a random poster on the internet knows MY DH and knows that he would so easily lie to me and break our trust.

If that's true we would have to deal with it in the same way that we would deal with it if it turned out he was hiding money etc., but it's not stupid of me to trust the love of my life when he tells me something and I believe him.

I've got a 14 YO DS September, and I've spoken to him about pornography since he was about 12 (obviously in an age-appropriate way). I would ask the 'all men porn' posters, do you accept that your sons will watch porn and what they will see on sites such as PornHub is ok? Do you accept and think it's ok if the first exposure your son has to sex and sexuality is the first videos that come up on the home page of such sites?

I don't, DH and I are very aware of the exposure young people get to extreme content. We have a very open discourse about all things with our teen DS and DD. We're very open about these things because I think as a responsible parent now there is no choice. Even if you lock down all devices there will be young people whose parents aren't so diligent or aware. You can't tackle something by pretending it doesn't happen.

Did I want to have these conversations with my young teens? Not particularly. Do I think it's necessary? Absolutely.

I can't believe all the posters who say their husbands don't. How would you know? They all do they just don't want to tell you.

@Outbutnotoutout

My partner did in his previous relationship, because sex wasn't good or frequent.

Now we have sex regularly, he doesn't feel the need to wank on his own.

😆😆😆

@RevolvingPivot

I can't believe all the posters who say their husbands don't. How would you know? They all do they just don't want to tell you.

Because I trust him, because he's not a naughty child and because his objections to the industry have been made very clear in our household. If he's lying to me, shame on him not me. Why are people ITT normalising men lying to their wives and mocking women for trusting them?

@RevolvingPivot

I can't believe all the posters who say their husbands don't. How would you know? They all do they just don't want to tell you.

It sounds like you have trust issues. You don't believe us.... we shouldn't believe our husbands..

Maybe, it's a question of more than just believing. I have never asked my husband if he watches porn, because as I have mentioned upthread, we both have, but then we learned about the darker side of what happens in order to bring that to our screens. This was many years ago and we have had active discussions aplenty since about the subject. I know my husband. I know who he is. What he believes in. What he stands for.

God I am so depressed by how many women seem to think that all men are automatically liars and that none can have any kind of moral view on pornography.

And by how many people seem to think that it's impossible for a man and a woman to have a grown up and honest conversation about something like porn without the woman being "controlling" and the man being "forced to lie".

Do I believe that some men relationships might lie to tell women and tell them what they want to hear? Yes. I also think it's increasingly likely among younger men and in early days casual relationships.

But do I also think that men are capable of being honest with their partners? Yes.

Do I believe that men and women can have grown up conversations about porn that don't immediately fall into 1950s stereotypes? Yes.

Do I believe that some men can be feminists and care about trafficking? Yes. To the point where they give up porn? Yes.

@OnceUponAThread

God I am so depressed by how many women seem to think that all men are automatically liars and that none can have any kind of moral view on pornography.

And by how many people seem to think that it's impossible for a man and a woman to have a grown up and honest conversation about something like porn without the woman being "controlling" and the man being "forced to lie".

Do I believe that some men relationships might lie to tell women and tell them what they want to hear? Yes. I also think it's increasingly likely among younger men and in early days casual relationships.

But do I also think that men are capable of being honest with their partners? Yes.

Do I believe that men and women can have grown up conversations about porn that don't immediately fall into 1950s stereotypes? Yes.

Do I believe that some men can be feminists and care about trafficking? Yes. To the point where they give up porn? Yes.

A few years back I remember seeing a study that suggested non-feminist women hold worse attitudes towards men than feminist women. I wish I could find it now... as I think it might be correct.

@RevolvingPivot

I can't believe all the posters who say their husbands don't. How would you know? They all do they just don't want to tell you.

I am increasingly thinking that SOME men gaslight women into thinking that ALL men watch porn regularly in order to normalise and get away with their own choices.

"You can't blame me, it's natural. All men do it and any who say they aren't are lying." - this is exactly what a man justifying his porn use would say.

And it is then parroted smugly by the women they've taken in who think they understand some great truth about boys and are enlightened by it.

And it's offensive to everyone - most of all men - to pretend that they aren't CAPABLE of learning about the dangers of porn and deciding not to watch it.

I doubt it TBH. I think it's normalised in the way all abuse is normalised. In the 60s/70s it was 'most men hit their wives and if you think not you're lying' and in the 70s/80s it was 'there's nothing wrong with him wanting sex when you don't and there's no such thing as marital rape'.

Where on earth did you get the idea that most women hit their wives in the sixties and seventies or raped them in the seventies and eighties?

Regardless, I don't really find sexual assault and domestic violence comparable to watching porn

The people who seem so sure their partners are not watching it, how do you know
He was the one who told me at the beginning of the relationship, he finds the whole industry awful, his close family member's rape was spread all over a number of main stream porn sites for years, he was involved in helping her repeatedly to get them taken down.

He uses his imagination when he wanks.

I think the majority do yes.

You're wrong. The men that do, say that (delude themselves) to salve their consciences and attempt to silence women voicing their displeasure.

@Grenred

The people who seem so sure their partners are not watching it, how do you know He was the one who told me at the beginning of the relationship, he finds the whole industry awful, his close family member's rape was spread all over a number of main stream porn sites for years, he was involved in helping her repeatedly to get them taken down. He uses his imagination when he wanks.

See people come along with examples like this, where the man CLEARLY has a strong imperative not to watch it. And yet people are still parroting "they all do and they're lying if they say they don't". Just three posts later.

Likewise with the poor woman upthread whose partner worked in policing sex crime and still no one believed he might be telling the truth. It's INFURIATING.

What is this thing where we're all supposed to believe that ALL men are incapable of morals and incapable of self control. It is so depressing.

@OnceUponAThread mine does academic work on the objectification of women, it's his job to write about the harms of pornography to sex equality.

Most surveys suggest it’s somewhere in the region of over 75% of men who watch porn. So of course the other 25% don’t, which will be some of the examples being given. It’s still a majority that do.

"Regardless, I don't really find sexual assault and domestic violence comparable to watching porn"

Do you realise that porn involves A LOT of violence, sexual assault, rape and abuse..?

@Phoenixdays well that's 1 in 4 that don't just for starters. Over 8million men in the UK alone that aren't watching porn.

So perfectly possible that the 20 or so women on this thread who've said their partners definitely don't are right. Regardless of what "the lollllll, you're so naive brigade" might say.

Would also be interested to know whether these studies ask: have you watched porn? or do you actively watch porn? Or do you watch porn.

I imagine most men have seen some porn at some point in their lives (although there will be exceptions). I would guess that a lot of the men who don't use it anymore for ethical reasons may have done once upon a time. So among that 75% there may well be people who no longer use pornography - but who tick yes because they have done in the past.

There may also be people who use cartoon pornography, or wank off to sex scenes in films who also tick yes, because they are using pornography of a form (albeit not contributing to the hideous porn industry). There may be people who masturbate to naked pictures of their wives who tick yes. Etc etc.

I also suspect there is an age skew. I think porn exposure and access is bloody terrifying among teens and have seen some frightening stats there. And I suspect younger men may be more likely to use porn.

But even if my guesses are wrong, there are still eight MILLION men in the UK who don't. So this whole "all men do it and your husband is lying if he says he doesn't" is just nonsense.

@intheenddoesitreallymatter

Regardless, I don't really find sexual assault and domestic violence comparable to watching porn

It depends which angle you are watching from, doesn't it?

If you are comparing a man watching porn to the same man raping his wife, then no, watching porn is not comparable. If however, you are comparing a man raping his wife to a man raping a woman in the porn situation, then yes, these events are absolutely comparable.

I think there definitely is an age-skew on these threads @OnceUponAThread. It's quite depressing how normalised it has become.

Which is why I am a proponent of speaking to adolescent children about pornography. About what it is, and why it is as it is now. It needs a light shining upon it. Bad things happen in dark corners. Honesty is best. No shame or furtiveness, an honest conversation.

The stats are actually a lot higher than that and it depends on age. There was a study done on younger men (under 25 I believe) and it was 98% that had used in the last 6 months.
The 75% quoted will include all ages and I do think there is definitely a generational issue at play. I'm 36, so not particularly young and I have never met a man my age who doesn't watch porn. It was rife at university as everyone was beginning to get their own laptops. It is rife amongst male friendship groups and worryingly for teens these days it is something they will just grow up with.
The motivational drive to have an orgasm for men and women (but especially men) is very strong and every possible fantasy is one click of a button away. There is a lot of naivety on this thread.

@activitythree no I believe you believe what you're being told

I don't think there's much naivety on this thread at all @Drunkenmonkey. I, and many of the 'not all men' posters on here are possibly a bit older, but certainly not naive, in fact we've seen the world change, we've seen how things have evolved.

And it's not pretty. For men or women.

Younger women should certainly not accept it as 'just the way things are'.

It's depressingly apparent how harmful modern pornography is to men and their world-view. I've seen so many threads on here and seen in other places how mainstream sexual violence, choking, BDSM practices are, that were formerly very niche activities.

It's not sex that's changed, men of my cohort are generally giving and considered lovers (or they were), they were brought up by feminist mothers and there was a feeling that sex was a mutually enjoyable, consensual and respectful activity, even if the relationship only lasted a night.

I have a personal theory regarding the development of Internet pornography, that it was driven initially by men who sought out more extreme material and so catered to their tastes, and because it's algorithm-driven it's become ever more stratified and extreme, and teenagers now are immediately exposed to the worst, and consider that normal.

And so we go on.