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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think that all men watch porn even when in a sexually gratifying relationship ?

772 replies

pedestalpony · 16/03/2021 20:39

Possibly done to death but do they or at least the majority and if so are you ok with it ?
No real back story but have reason to believe that my bf does now and again ... mainly through presumption of women he follows on Facebook ... first six pictures etc.
I know he also games with many men and women throughout the world through that platform so he has many' friends' from that..
He doesn't like or comment on the women's posts but they show up now and again on the six profile pics of his friends on Facebook .
Am I being a prude/ presumptuous / overthinking .

OP posts:
myusernamewastakenbyme · 17/03/2021 12:39

Lol at all the deluded wives and girlfriends here.

DedlyMedally · 17/03/2021 12:40

A year or so after we moved in together I asked him out of curiosity. He said a couple of times when I'd been away on work trips.

He hated it so much he had to try it a few more times (conveniently waiting until there was no chance of you walking in on him), just to make sure...😐

activitythree · 17/03/2021 12:40

@myusernamewastakenbyme

Lol at all the deluded wives and girlfriends here.

What a fabulously intelligent point you have brought to the discussion.

LemonRoses · 17/03/2021 12:41

@myusernamewastakenbyme

Lol at all the deluded wives and girlfriends here.
Or LOL at all those willing to compromise and put up with shabby partners.
myusernamewastakenbyme · 17/03/2021 12:41

@activitythree why thank you...i try my bestGrin

Emeraldshamrock · 17/03/2021 12:46

Lol at all the deluded wives and girlfriends here. Blush I'm mortified for you dropping that piece of tripe in the thread.
I know I shouldn't be as you tried your best.

BlackBucketOfCheese · 17/03/2021 12:49

I mean exploitation I'm general. How much do you accept in your supply chains?

Where I have learned about it, I try to eliminate it where possible.
But equally it is very bizarre to suggest that it’s not worth it to be morally opposed to pornography if you haven’t eliminated every form of exploitation from our lives. Or to use it as an “ah ha, gotcha moment!”

We can learn and make changes everywhere.
If you are aware it exists and you don’t at least try to educate yourself further and try to eliminate it from your life than you (not you personally, a more nebulous “you”) are a part of the problem.

I used to consume porn (despite being trafficked as a child) but I learned more about it and stopped. It is abhorrent.

I’ve had a couple tell me I’m wrong to be against human trafficking and rape in porn because I own an iPhone (I specially need an iPhone for work and my phones are only ever purchased second hand deliberately).

This isn’t about which form of exploitation is better, worse or further up some kind of pile of oppression.
This is about the fact that you are viewing a human in distress for your own pleasure. Watching the abuse happen.

To do that and then say something along the lines of “well if it is abuse, there are other forms of abuse occurring and those opposed to porn also consume other forms of exploitation and abuse” is next level fuckery and whataboutery.

As you watch that penis enter her body, as you watch his hands pull her hair, as you watch him move his penis from her anus to her vagina, think long and hard about the likelihood of her being a willing participant. As you reach your peak, think about her internal injuries, think about the torture she has been through.
You are seeing these images, you are paying to fund it via advertising.
The videos featuring me still pop up online, I did not want to be there, I did not ask for people to look at my body, at my bleeding arse, at the fingers shoved in my mouth, at the “romantic” kissing.
What’s if the next video you click on features me being raped?

OnceUponAThread · 17/03/2021 12:50

@DedlyMedally

A year or so after we moved in together I asked him out of curiosity. He said a couple of times when I'd been away on work trips.

He hated it so much he had to try it a few more times (conveniently waiting until there was no chance of you walking in on him), just to make sure...😐

Why is that so hard to believe? Knowing him well, I totally buy that he went to have a habitual wank while I was away.

I also buy that he was put off by what he had read / learnt and didn't enjoy the porn as much anymore. I imagine random thoughts of "is this trafficked, drugged or abuse" kills the buzz somewhat.

He's told me now he hasn't since that conversation. I believe him. I just do. He doesn't lie to me often (and I usually spot the white lies a mile off). He knows I'd be far more upset by being lied to than I would by him watching it anyway.

He's very feminist. He reads a lot of articles and educates himself thoroughly about all sorts of issues. He has strong views about lots of things (some of which I don't agree with). He's vocal. He's smart.

He has teenage girls from a previous relationship. The idea of things like Only Fans is terrifying to him in that context.

I believe him. I just do. People may think that's naive but I know him very well and I can't see any reason he'd bother to lie to me.

Brainwave89 · 17/03/2021 12:52

So through three generations (my dad, my husband and my sons), I have seen some porn usage. On some occasions I have also viewed the kind of porn which married couples share online (I won't name the sights, but effectively watching videos made by other couples). I would not be worried per se by any of my men folk watching porn per se, but there is a big difference on the type of porn which men watch. Some of the stuff online is deeply misogynistic a quick look at a mainstream porn site's opening page will show you how many times the words "bitch" and "slag" are used to provide women in the content shocks me. Porn per se is not a problem in my view, I have found it helpful, but I would be wary of husbands/sons watching some of the stuff which is out there.

Emeraldshamrock · 17/03/2021 12:55

@DedlyMedally Good point about OF.
I've no issue with uploads or advertising, it is worrying offers of temptation get bigger to visit your fan and it slowly becomes prostitution, again working for themselves in prostitution is fine, it is their safety that is worrying.
There is an Irish viking lookalike making 65,000 a month on OF.

Phoenixdays · 17/03/2021 12:58

@DedlyMedally

A year or so after we moved in together I asked him out of curiosity. He said a couple of times when I'd been away on work trips.

He hated it so much he had to try it a few more times (conveniently waiting until there was no chance of you walking in on him), just to make sure...😐

Yeah I think if someone found out about exploitation and then tried it a couple more times before deciding they disliked it for sure ... hmm.
Taikoo · 17/03/2021 13:02

The vast majority do.
They just don't admit it.

shutterteal · 17/03/2021 13:11

Mine doesn't. He's very welcome to but it's not his thing.

OnceUponAThread · 17/03/2021 13:14

@Phoenixdays that genuinely doesn't worry me. He's not here so I can't ask about the logic but I will later.

  • maybe like a poster upthread at that stage he assumed that the porn he liked would be fine and it was only extreme porn that was the problem. And subsequently found out that's not the case.
  • maybe he tried searching for ethical porn.
  • maybe it was autopilot or habit.
  • maybe it was a lapse like quitting smoking and having a cigarette when drunk.
  • maybe his desire for a wank outweighed his moral compass but then he felt bad about it afterwards

I don't know. But I will ask and report back.

What I do know is that I believe him when he says he doesn't anymore. I believe and know that he has educated himself on the issue and read around it. I know he worries a great deal about the easy access to porn for teenagers and what it means for his daughters.

Of course it makes me happy that he no longer contributes to such a dangerous industry for women.

I've got no problem with the concept of porn, just the industry. If you could guarantee it was consensual I wouldn't be bothered. Likewise if it was CGI or cartoon or whatever.

DedlyMedally · 17/03/2021 13:18

But equally it is very bizarre to suggest that it’s not worth it to be morally opposed to pornography if you haven’t eliminated every form of exploitation from our lives. Or to use it as an “ah ha, gotcha moment

I didn't say that.
You literally asked me for a percentage.
I thought that was a weird request and was curious about whether you had a numerical abuse likelihood, like you were asking me for.
It sounds like you don't have one and it was your attempt at a "gotcha" moment.
For the record, I, like you, try to avoid abuse that I actively know about.

Phoenixdays · 17/03/2021 13:19

@OnceUponAThread yeah guess so. He was honest enough to tell you he did it while you were away I guess

rainbowdaz · 17/03/2021 13:21

[quote Emeraldshamrock]@DedlyMedally Good point about OF.
I've no issue with uploads or advertising, it is worrying offers of temptation get bigger to visit your fan and it slowly becomes prostitution, again working for themselves in prostitution is fine, it is their safety that is worrying.
There is an Irish viking lookalike making 65,000 a month on OF.[/quote]

Fair enough, but many do no meet-ups. And don't forget, many are in relationships. Though I accept you don't always know unless SW say it themselves

knittingaddict · 17/03/2021 13:25

This again?

I haven't read the thread, but I don't really need to because this has been discussed on mn regularly since the year dot. Lots of women saying that their men don't use porn, lots of women saying that theirs do and they don't mind, a handful of women saying that they use it too and a smattering of truly annoying men who say that we women are deluding ourselves if we think our husbands/partners aren't viewing porn. Am I right?

I am 100% certain that my husband doesn't watch porn.

knittingaddict · 17/03/2021 13:27

@Taikoo

The vast majority do. They just don't admit it.
And there we have it and I've only read they last page. Grin
knittingaddict · 17/03/2021 13:29

@myusernamewastakenbyme

Lol at all the deluded wives and girlfriends here.
Second page I've viewed. Hilarious.
Outbutnotoutout · 17/03/2021 13:30

My partner did in his previous relationship, because sex wasn't good or frequent.

Now we have sex regularly, he doesn't feel the need to wank on his own.

GoddessKali · 17/03/2021 13:32

A lot of guys I know don’t and don’t like porn 🤷🏽‍♀️

DedlyMedally · 17/03/2021 13:37

@OnceUponAThread
You know him better than me, but generally if someone does something once, they remember doing it once and say once . Same thing if they did something twice.

If someone says "a couple" they at least have a range in mind, likely greater than twice, but want to imply "twice".

And this is after he told you that he couldn't stomach the stuff...

Staggles · 17/03/2021 13:43

Threads like this make me sad that some women have such a negative experience of men that they assume they're all the same. They're not.

OnceUponAThread · 17/03/2021 14:06

@DedlyMedally This was a few years back now, so I honestly can't remember if he said "once", "twice", "once or twice" or a "couple of times".

Also he didn't then say he couldn't stomach it. Although he might say that now. We'd had one conversation where he asked if I watched and I said no because of exploitation. (I also have concerns about it normalising sexual extremism and violence to women, and the addictive nature of it, which I also mentioned).

At no point did I say he had to stop himself, or that my ethics had to guide him. I was purely explaining why I didn't use porn. He was pretty shocked by some of the stats I referenced wrt to exploitation and said he would stop. I said it was up to him.

A year or so later I asked - out of interest. He gave me what I'm fairly sure was an honest answer which was "yes a couple of times when you were away on business" (or similar). But said he was uncomfortable with it and wouldn't again.

He says he hasn't since then which was maybe three years ago. I believe him.

Yes it's not ideal that he did those one or two times, but I am genuinely not upset about it.

As I said in my reply above it doesn't worry me. I will ask him why when he gets home but there could be a variety of reasons.

  • maybe like a poster upthread at that stage he assumed that the porn he liked would be fine and it was only extreme porn that was the problem. And subsequently found out that's not the case.
  • maybe he tried searching for ethical porn.
  • maybe it was autopilot or habit.
  • maybe it was a lapse like quitting smoking and having a cigarette when drunk.
  • maybe his desire for a wank outweighed his moral compass but then he felt bad about it afterwards

What I do know is that I believe him when he says he doesn't anymore. I believe and know that he has educated himself on the issue and read around it since then.

I know he worries a great deal about the easy access to porn for teenagers and what it means for his daughters.

I've got no problem with the concept of porn, just the industry. If you could guarantee it was consensual I wouldn't be bothered. Likewise if it was CGI or cartoon or whatever.

I also think it is up to him where he draws that ethical line. But of course it makes me happy that he no longer contributes to such a dangerous industry for women.

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