More help please. You were great last time.

[Ifixfastjets]

Last week , I asked what to say to my friend who recently lost her baby.
I also mentioned i have made a personal present for baby. Before baby died.

My next "plan" is to get a simple gift bag and a sympathy card.
What do I write in the card
I'm thinking along the lines of

Dear mum, dad, boy and girl
I am sorry to hear about the loss of your baby dd.
I made this "gift" for dd, when you told me you were pregnant. I personalised it when you told me you were naming her "x"
I hope it can bring you some small comfort, knowing me and "my dd" were looking forward to meeting "dd". "My dd" chose the wool for it.
We are here if you need anything

Love from jets and dd

As someone who has lost a baby, I had a full term stillbirth 18 months ago, I would be very touched and appreciative of this. I think your message is lovely and to know so much thought and personal touches had gone into your gift would bring me great comfort. In the same way that you would do something like this if the baby had survived, I’d have been very grateful to receive such a gift even though my baby had not lived. I would treasure something like that. I think it’s a good idea to contact her and ask if it’s ok to send the gift to her, so she can tell you if she wants to receive it and she can prepare herself for it arriving.

Also just in terms of the wording of the card and your feelings, I personally would again be very touched and comforted to know how much you were looking forward to meeting my child. I can’t speak for your friend of course but I think the wording is lovely.

Gosh no, I don't think that it's a good idea to give them what you made for the baby at all.

Just a card and flowers and some kind words that centre the family, and not mention you and dd looking forward to meeting the baby.

It's a bit like you're trying to demonstrate what a nice gift you were going to give for the baby and how the loss affects you.

Which I'm sure is not your intention, but I think it' would be misjudged.

I also would have been comforted, almost nobody mentioned my baby, or talked about it, and it is years ago, it still hurts me. But a friend had given me a baby rattle before he died, and I treasured it as well as the cards and letters, I haven’t been able to look at them for a long time but I kept everything. what has been the greatest help to me is a bangle with all my children’s names on it, it is as though my family is complete, I love to see his name.

I've lost babies. I would have appreciated a very simple card saying that you were sorry for my loss. Nothing else.

The gift and the message would have been deeply upsetting and I would have probably cut all contact with you after that. I agree with others who say they would have found it utterly insensitive to present me with a gift my child would never wear as well as the mention of your own dd.

Nope

I had a stillborn baby, and can honestly say that I was in the darkest place of my life in the immediate aftermath. You're swept along on autopilot trying to remind yourself to breathe.

If they have other children, I'd get them a small gift - if it distracts them for 5 minutes, she's likely to be really grateful. Or offer to talk them for a walk, bike ride.

Send a card with a very simple message in, and maybe at some point in the future, say to her that you made a gift and will keep it safe in case one day she'd like it. You sound very kind, and she will need your support in the coming months.

I’ve not RTfT, because it’s a bit much, but as someone who lost a little girl, I’d adore you for this. I have so few things to remember her...a blanket knitted by someone for the Nicu, a bracelet my mum gave me while I was pregnant, and the clothes we had bought for her. They are kept in a small trunk and once in a while I have a look, and a cry, and put it all back neatly. My other children do the same.
Not everyone would like this, but I am part of a group who have grown very close after loosing babies, and I think, without an exception, we all value beyond belief the little things we have, and if those things connect not just us, but also a loved one to our child that isn’t here, it makes it even more special..
The only tiny thing is, if your friend doesn’t have another child, I wouldn’t reference your child in the card. It’s your choice, but it might be a bit much to deal with.
You sound like a wonderful friend. Say the child’s name often, be there for your friend, and don’t be afraid of getting it wrong. The only wrong thing is not to try.

I think this is a beautiful thought, however - as someone who has had a late pregnancy loss, named our baby ect - id say hold off a while x
In a few months maybe give to her, she may want to pass it on to charity or keep in a memory box
That’s just me x
Obvs you know her best x

Dont give it to her please. Just dont

I would have loved to receive a gift like this following my loss. Instead everyone kept their distance not knowing what to say. It was one of the loneliest times of my life. I did have a couple of things that two older ladies I knew gave me and I regularly looked at them and they gave me great comfort.
I think the fact that there is a real mix of opinions here shows that it's probably best to follow the advice of the earlier poster who suggested asking if she would like it. It's such an individual experience.

Why not later on down the line, if she mentions she has a memory box ask her then if she wants to put the cardigan in? I would hold off giving it to her just yet though.

When I was pregnant with my twins, I was knitting them cardigans. Sadly I lost them at 16 weeks but I worked through my grief in completing them, adding pink trim and buttons after we discovered they were girls. I put them in a memory box along with other bits and bobs and they give me great comfort. Only you know your friend, but personally I think you’re so thoughtful and I could have done with a friend like you at the time x