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AIBU?

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Original poster

More help please. You were great last time.

163 replies

Ifixfastjets · 16/03/2021 15:42

Last week , I asked what to say to my friend who recently lost her baby.
I also mentioned i have made a personal present for baby. Before baby died.

My next "plan" is to get a simple gift bag and a sympathy card.
What do I write in the card
I'm thinking along the lines of

Dear mum, dad, boy and girl
I am sorry to hear about the loss of your baby dd.
I made this "gift" for dd, when you told me you were pregnant. I personalised it when you told me you were naming her "x"
I hope it can bring you some small comfort, knowing me and "my dd" were looking forward to meeting "dd". "My dd" chose the wool for it.
We are here if you need anything

Love from jets and dd

OP posts:
AWhisperWillDoIfThatsAllYouCan · 16/03/2021 16:29

And also mentioning your child's involvement. Do you think she wants to be thinking about you, and you lovely child choosing and making this thing fo her child... who is now dead. Why would going on about your child help her right now? Why would talking about yourself help her?

Just no.

CarterBeatsTheDevil · 16/03/2021 16:30

I had a stillbirth. Just a card is lovely, OP. I wouldn't want empty clothes however lovely they were.

vivariumvivariumsvivaria · 16/03/2021 16:30

I totally see what you are trying to do and you are a very lovely friend. I agree though, if the baby can't use the gift, it might be a bit double-edged.

What about re-doing the gift as a blanket for one of these charities? I've knitted tiny little blankets for them for years and send them in a bundle with a note in the name of a baby that my dear friend lost.

My friend found comfort in the blanket her daughter was wrapped up in after she had died. And she likes that I haven't forgotten her baby and that her daughter has "passed on" a stranger's kindness.

www.knotsoflove.org/nicu-blanket-patterns

www.sands.org.uk/get-involved/volunteer-sands/knit-sands

Cuppaza · 16/03/2021 16:30

No I would not give that to her

ddl1 · 16/03/2021 16:30

I would not give her the gift. However well-intentioned, that might be 'rubbing it in' for her. I would send a letter of condolence, but without the gift.

butterpuffed · 16/03/2021 16:31

I think it would be terribly upsetting for them to receive this gift. Why not give it to a Charity.

namechangefail2020 · 16/03/2021 16:33

Have to be honest, after I lost a baby I wouldn't have wanted that. Just another reminder. But seems I'm in the minority. Just speaking from my experience but maybe your friend isn't a "bury your head in the sand" kind of griever like I was

LadyEloise · 16/03/2021 16:33

Oh gosh, Ifixfastjets I know you are coming from the right place but every time she sees your gift it might set her off. It would me.
A simple card saying thinking of you and flowers or a flowering plant she could plant out in her garden if she has one would be nice.

vivariumvivariumsvivaria · 16/03/2021 16:33

Oh, and I knitted for the charity for about five years before I even told her.

I was doing it for me, really, I felt so useless in the face of my friend's grief, but, it has now become a source of comfort for my friend.

It seems to me that it is the remembering of the child as the years go on that is the gift of value to bereaved parents?

Goldengladrags · 16/03/2021 16:33

OP, I can see it's coming from a good place but I don't think that it's a good idea. I think it would of made me more upset.

I can only explain, and this wasn't 'as bad' as what has happened to this poor lady, but I lost a twin pregnancy just before 12 weeks a couple of years ago. My mum afterwards brought me an angel teddy bear and a little poster with a poem on it about baby loss, she said it was to acknowledge what had happened so I didn't think noone else cared.

Truthfully, I felt heartbroken tbh. It wasn't that I was trying to forget it but seeing something so visual I was just reminded all over again of what had happened.

Worried234 · 16/03/2021 16:34

No, no, no way, OP.

Spied · 16/03/2021 16:34

I'd definitely not give the gift.
Yes you've spent time and money on it and I'm sure it's very nice but it feels to me you want some kind of acknowledgement for your efforts rather than thinking of this grieving mother.
Send a card. Nothing more.

HappyWipings · 16/03/2021 16:34

No. I'd have been very upset by this after losing my baby. It was hard enough seeing the things we had bought for our baby on returning from the hospital , we had to put them away until we felt stronger

Just be there for your friend , listen to her , and don't mention the item you made.

cruisecrazy · 16/03/2021 16:34

As someone who has lost a baby, I would have been mortified if anyone had given me a gift of any description. Please do not give it to her, just tell her you are there for her.

Bluntness100 · 16/03/2021 16:37

Please don’t phone her and ask her if she wishes the gift, it’s almost worse. Just don’t do it. And words fail me on th poster who said “ well she’s upset anyway”

Just don’t mention it op. Give it to charity snd send a simple card saying sorry for your loss, thinking of you and if you need anything don’t hesitate to ask.

And leave it there.

Whythesadface · 16/03/2021 16:39

Please don't send it.
This is you making you feel better.
Don't name everyone on the card.
Just put yours and family at the bottom.
What do you expect her to do with it?
She can't get rid of it, so your forcing her to hold onto a memory of something that can never be.
Just donate it to a hospital or something.

Deedeedocket · 16/03/2021 16:40

Totally agree remove your daughters name from the card completely it feels like a bit of a dig. Her child is never going to be able to choose wool.

Send a card and say I’m here if you need me. The gift sounds like you are making it about you and your time.

CleverCatty · 16/03/2021 16:40

I really wouldn't give her the personalised gift or not yet until you know what she would like to do, e.g. keep the gift you made for her baby etc. I would personally just keep the gift aside for now and maybe broach this with her in future, if she would like it in future. it's too raw to give it now.

I would do as someone else says, very simple card for her and a small gift for her.

C152 · 16/03/2021 16:41

I wouldn't give the present at all. I would hate to receive this. By all means call / send a note to say you are sorry, you're thinking of them and are there for them if they need anything, but don't give them a present for their dead baby.

July17January20 · 16/03/2021 16:45

It's really difficult because everyone's different. My little boy was stillborn last year and I had several things that people had made for him and I loved that I had something tangible to show he was here and what he meant to people. I found out later someone had given clothes intended for my son to a charity shop and that was more upsetting, they were his clothes bought for him and I wished they hadn't given them away without asking me how I felt about it first.

21growbags · 16/03/2021 16:46

Have you read Tear Soup?

You and your dd have sadly lost a much looked forward to baby friend so you are grieving too. If you can take care of your own feelings of loss you will know what to do with the knitting. Your bereaved friend has got lots of things ready for someone who will now never come home. Do you need to ask her to take this from you?

Maybe, if it makes sense to you : Take a photograph of the knitting. Get a huge box of tissues and sit and unravel it back into balls then re knit it into a donation for your nearest NICU.

When DS was born very very early and tiny he was immediately given a tiny hand knitted hat and in NICU he was given several tiny knitted hats and cardigans from kind donors. It meant a lot. He came home but not all the babies did.

Another poster suggested asking her if she wants the gift and perhaps doing that first might make sense if it seems kinder.

You are clearly a very very loving friend. I hope you find a path through this delicate situation. 💐

Shoxfordian · 16/03/2021 16:46

I don’t think you should send the present, although you don’t mean to, it’s rubbing salt in the wounds. Send a card but don’t make it about you- saying how much you and your dd wanted to meet her child is really quite insensitive

Kermitforever · 16/03/2021 16:47

Hmm based on the reactions so far sounds like it could be risky... hard to predict how she’d experience that. Maybe hang on to it for now, maybe one day in the future a moment will present itself that feels like the right moment to hand it over?
The act of holding on to it is a way of actively holding your friend and her loss in mind, even if she won’t know about it (maybe now or ever).

Robintakeover · 16/03/2021 16:48

I wouldn’t give it to her - I’d give her something for her if you really must give a gift .

I personally didn’t display sympathy cards I received - I hated looking at them .

The best gift is of course your time and ear when she is ready

langdale2016 · 16/03/2021 16:50

No! Please don't send the gift.

Just send a letter or card and something for her.

Sending condolences to your friend. xxx

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