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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

More help please. You were great last time.

163 replies

Ifixfastjets · 16/03/2021 15:42

Last week , I asked what to say to my friend who recently lost her baby.
I also mentioned i have made a personal present for baby. Before baby died.

My next "plan" is to get a simple gift bag and a sympathy card.
What do I write in the card
I'm thinking along the lines of

Dear mum, dad, boy and girl
I am sorry to hear about the loss of your baby dd.
I made this "gift" for dd, when you told me you were pregnant. I personalised it when you told me you were naming her "x"
I hope it can bring you some small comfort, knowing me and "my dd" were looking forward to meeting "dd". "My dd" chose the wool for it.
We are here if you need anything

Love from jets and dd

OP posts:
RememberWhenWe · 16/03/2021 17:30

I haven't lost a baby, but my best friend has. Regarding that message, it's her and her family's loss and if you take another look at the wording, it's all about you and your child. A simple card with a heartfelt message acknowledging her loss would be much better. Maybe with a pot of bulbs, something that will give a bit of pleasure over time as she will probably have lots of flowers at the moment. I wouldn't give her the gift, and wouldn't mention it.

Weatherwarnings · 16/03/2021 17:30

Putting it bluntly what do you expect them to do with personalised clothes the baby will never wear? It’ll either get put in a box forever because they feel to guilty to bin it or it’ll get binned. So save them the trouble and bin it or recycle it if you can.

EmpressSuiko · 16/03/2021 17:31

I’ve if a miscarriage and it broke me, no one even wanted to talk about it and it made it so much harder, I was depressed for a very long time. I don’t think you should give her the gift you made, it will only hurt her more.
A nice card showing you are thinking of her and maybe a small gift for her, like her favourite flowers or chocolate, whatever she likes to show you care. I couldn’t even look at other peoples babies or any shops etc without bursting in to tears for a good while.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 16/03/2021 17:31

@RickiTarr

No, you absolutely can not write that. I know you mean well but talking about your dd in a sympathy card to someone who has just lost their baby girl is really quite thoughtless (can't think of the word I want tonuse there).

Even though it’s addressed to the lost baby’s two parents AND two siblings? The grieving parents do have living children themselves.

Yes, even though they have children already.
Laiste · 16/03/2021 17:33

I agree - just a lovely card expressing your families thoughts towards your friend and include the name of the baby somewhere.

iguanadonna · 16/03/2021 17:33

I think tone down, leave out gift. But definitely a card with your love and acknowledging their loss. You sound like a lovely friend, sensible to get other opinions.

RickiTarr · 16/03/2021 17:33

Yes, even though they have children already.

Okay. As I say, some of these things I personally would have been okay with, but it is best to play safe, of course.

Affectation · 16/03/2021 17:34

I think this is really hard to call. Everyone will feel differently about it.

I think if it was a toy or blanket, I would send. But if it is an item of clothing I might err on the side of caution. It feels quite confronting. If you are close, I would maybe send a card and wait. Then when you are next talking you can ask her whether she would like it.

You can't really second guess this OP. I think if you are coming from a place of love, then be confident in your choice.

GlittercheeksOakleaf · 16/03/2021 17:34

I'm going to go against the grain and say I would have cherished something made with love for my dd when she died.

Flowers, plants etc were just another thing to look after and then caused more upset when they died.

Ask your friend, OP. Everyone is different, every one grieves and finds comfort in different ways. I do agree that you need to be sensitive re mentioning your own dd though.

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 16/03/2021 17:34

Oh god no please dont Sad. I know you mean well but just no.
Im due any day now and I would be heartbroken if something tragic happened and someone did this.
Even earlier in my pregnancy i was trying to discourage people buying me things too early on just in case something happened.
Maybe keep it for now and if she mentions that she is doing a memory box then mention it to her but otherwise i would just quietly donate it to charity xxx

Fieldsofstars · 16/03/2021 17:35

@GlittercheeksOakleaf

Couldn’t agree more. Also, no one knows how they’d react until they’re in this situation.

unchienandalusia · 16/03/2021 17:38

Agree with PPs OP. Whilst this is obviously coming from a kind place, the text is making it a bit too much about you and DD. And the gift of clothes a baby will
Never wear could be devastating. I'd just do a card. Keep the present and further down the line you can ask her if she wants it.

tolerable · 16/03/2021 17:38

i woulld take the dd bit out.and give her the gift. my friends s baby was still born at 81/2 months. I make her birthday/ christmas graveside flowers/wreaths. it is often noted im the only one that remembers. that must be awful.

mygrandchildrenrock · 16/03/2021 17:42

I'm also going against the grain here, is the baby having a funeral or being cremated? I had a little grandson born far too early, far too poorly and far too tiny. He lived for a short while and then sadly no more.
My daughter buried him in a little blue jacket I bought from Asda dashing to the hospital. She would have loved something more personal to bury him in.
Maybe ask your friend is she would like the gift you've made.

RickiTarr · 16/03/2021 17:42

[quote Fieldsofstars]@GlittercheeksOakleaf

Couldn’t agree more. Also, no one knows how they’d react until they’re in this situation.[/quote]
Yes. I appreciated anything that acknowledged she was as a real person who had existed, even though she didn’t make it. I would have taken it in that spirit.

To me, I can see that a small soft toy that can go in a memory box is potentially less distressing than looking at a lovely handmade cardigan or other clothing and thinking “she will never get to wear that”. It’s so difficult and personal, though.

People do vary so much in their grief, which is why I thought @lamby12 ‘s advice (at 16.18) to simply ask first was very wise.

If the parents themselves are in a really bad way, so that you can’t ask, maybe ask one of their relatives for a steer, if you know them?

Hoolihan · 16/03/2021 17:43

My friend lost her baby and I'm afraid we all clubbed together and bought her a remembrance rose bush for the garden. We much later found out that she had given it away as she couldn't stand the thought of having to look after it or that it might die. Looking back I can see that we didn't think it through at all and were too focused on doing something to make ourselves feel better. I think whilst everything is still so very raw it's best to just send a card. Once some (considerable) time has passed perhaps you could mention the item you have made and gently ask if they might like to keep it.

Oodilallygolly · 16/03/2021 17:46

I think if I lost a baby I’d want to receive the present made for them. Yes it will hurt but I’d be very touched. You know your friend better than we do though so do what you think is right

RavingAnnie · 16/03/2021 17:46

I don't think I'd send the gift at all. That would be too upsetting to receive if it were me. Definitely not with that message.

JoyOrbison · 16/03/2021 17:49

I appreciate you mean well op, but reading your planned message it's all about you and your dd and what you have done for them.
Please don't send it, it reads to me as the wording equivalent of pushing to the front of a group of people saying "I've done the most". Again, I appreciate this won't be your intent, I'm just being brutally honest with you so you can plan ahead and rearrange things.

One of my best friends had a baby girl, delivered her in the maternity unit at 31 weeks knowing she would only get to spend a few minutes with her. We had to plan a rota to be with her as her partner wasn't able to remain at home due to urgent issues (not going into them as too identifying but an unhappy situation for everyone) and we all agreed to step in so her partner could deal with other matters.

She hated flowers and plants, saw them as more things to look after that would die, and took comfort in her dd's footprints and blanket from the hospital. No other gifts mattered as, while they might have been bought or made for her dd, they didn't belong to her, they weren't her things.

A card with a message to the family acknowledging g their loss and grief, not hi g about you or your dd or what you made etc, and quiet practical gestures. Drop a meal off that could be frozen without expecting to be invited in, offer to get the shopping so they don't need to sort that out, do school runs need covering? It's doing things without them being noticed, without making it known of your efforts that will likely help more.

MazDazzle · 16/03/2021 17:49

My friend lost her DD. I think she’d have loved this. Rather than surprising her (or potentially shocking her) you could ask if she’d like it.

‘When you said you were going to name her X, I made... would you like it?’.

Cleverpolly3 · 16/03/2021 17:52

As lovely a friend as you sound if I was your friend that would tip me over the edge I would already be teetering on.

I would just send her a simple card telling her you are there for her whenever she needs you.
Might just be me but I somehow don’t think anything other than flowers if even that. Perhaps a perennial that she can plant and it will always be there.

Salome61 · 16/03/2021 17:54

My friend has just introduced me to this charity for child loss - I haven't got time to read through the site but might be something to help on here

4louis.co.uk/

SheldonesqueIsUnwell · 16/03/2021 17:54

You sound like a wonderful friend.

Even though I’ve been in their shoes, my friends were conspicuous by their absence.

My colleagues know my story (all males) and those who suffered the same loss with their wives came to me to chat. I think that was the best gift I could give.

They also were bought forget me not seeds and given a hand painted card.

I didn’t know what else to do.

Is there a right and wrong? If things are from the heart and you know your friend well, I’m not sure there is.
Flowers

Cindie943811A · 16/03/2021 17:56

I had several losses. It was heartbreaking to see the clothes etc I’d made and everything had to be put out of sight. A gift of a special garment would have had me wailing in grief, just too painful.
You have been a kind and supportive friend but cannot ease her pain with a gift of any sort at this point.

Donteatpurplebroccoli · 16/03/2021 17:59

I would follow your instinct you know your friend and the journey they’ve been on if you feel she would be comforted then give it to her if you’re not sure you could always send the card and explain in person or in the card that you have the gift you made for dd and would love them to have it but you understand if they don’t want it and will keep it safe- they might want it down the line if not now. Grief is so personal.
What I do know is it is far better to open discourse and let your friend talk and make her own decisions than not say anything or just decide they won’t want it because of replies on here. No one is wrong just one of those really emotive topics. I am sure you’ll make the right decision for your friend Daffodil