More help please. You were great last time.

[Ifixfastjets]

Last week , I asked what to say to my friend who recently lost her baby.
I also mentioned i have made a personal present for baby. Before baby died.

My next "plan" is to get a simple gift bag and a sympathy card.
What do I write in the card
I'm thinking along the lines of

Dear mum, dad, boy and girl
I am sorry to hear about the loss of your baby dd.
I made this "gift" for dd, when you told me you were pregnant. I personalised it when you told me you were naming her "x"
I hope it can bring you some small comfort, knowing me and "my dd" were looking forward to meeting "dd". "My dd" chose the wool for it.
We are here if you need anything

Love from jets and dd

It’s a difficult one as people are so different. My experience from similar situations with friends/family is that the hardest part about it can be the inability to grieve and lack of acknowledgement that to the parents it was a much desired baby. The problem is sometimes one partner needs to grieve and the other doesn’t want to dwell on it or acknowledge what happened. If you think she falls into the first camp I would give her the gift and acknowledge her child by name as it may help her but if she’s in the latter camp I would just send a card saying here for you. Don’t mention your child, as lovely as it is it may feel like salt in the wound to her. It’s lovely of you to care so much that you are asking.

I lost a baby last November. I received flowers from my dad to try to make me feel better. I hated receiving them, because it reminded me of what I’d lost. Home-made clothes would have been even worse for me and quite honestly I would have been very angry at the lack of sensitivity. Everyone is different, but if I were you, I wouldn’t send it to your friend, based on my own personal experience. Maybe mention that you’ve made it, when she’s had time to grieve and see if she wants the gift, rather than spring it on her.

Advice from me as someone who had a bay who died.
You don't need to give her a gift and it has too many complicated emotions attached. More than anything else be there for her. Acknowledge the loss and ask her how she is. Go for walks. Take her out for coffee. Listen when she needs to talk but be silent if that's what is needed. It's her grief not yours.

Don't OP.

As you can see from this thread you have no idea how this gifts and words will land.

Far safer to send a card just to say you are here for her and thinking about her at this time.

Play safe.

I wanted people to acknowledge my baby had died (hard as she was a twin and her twin survived) - a simple card would be it for me. I have a box with a small gift from dh's parents in and all the cards, a pressed flower from each bunch sent and my diary.

Bil and his OH on the other hand were upset we didn't buy a gift for their baby who died after being born about 21 weeks as they wanted everyone to put a present in the coffin to be buried with him. I would have hated that.

Each to their own.

I'd say card for now - thinking of you etc. But you know your friend best. Maybe find a good (wrong word) to say you made something personalised you will keep and in time if she wants it it will always be there for her. Just love is enough for now.

I'm not sure you should send it at all but if you do, that message is way too much about you. At least make it about your friend and her baby.

@Notimeforaname

I would just say thinking of you..here for you etc.

I wouldn't go into detail about my little girl choosing the wool and how you were looking forward to meeting the baby. To me that's displaying your upset and hurt.

I only say this because I have a friend who was inundated with the same kind of messages and they made her feel like crap and she felt they were insensitive.

But..everyone's different.

You sound like a lovely friend 💕

Agree with this

It's nice that you are thinking about your friend but please don't give the gift. A simple sympathy card or text and most importantly being there for your friend in this difficult time would mean the most to her. Take que from her and be there whenever and if she needs you, trust me it will mean the world to her even if she never actually mentions this to you op.

Do not give her the gift, talk about your sadness or mention your child. When I had pregnancy loss I absolutely did not want to hear about the future I’d never get to have with the child I lost through someone else child.

As a mum who's been in your friend's position, I'd have loved for someone to have given me something with my baby's name on it. Yes, it would have been upsetting too, but so would a card in that situation.

I'd have put it in my baby's memory box so that, in years to come, I'd have something to remind me how much someone cared about us.

If you're unsure, however, just keep it and ask her what she would like you to do with it. She might want you to hold onto it until she's in a better place.

I think you are trying to do something/anything to make her feel better.
Honestly - you can't.
I think maybe subconsciously you don't want your gift to be wasted and want her to know how much time, thought and love you have put into it. It won't ease her grief though and has the potential to make it worse.
It really does depend on what the gift is, and as to if she will find it a comfort or will cause more pain in the future.
But, at the moment I think keeping it simple is far less likely to have the potential to cause more pain - however inadvertent.

She just needs to know you are there for her, thinking of her and love her. Let her lead.

Oh god no, no way

Definitely not.

All unecessary details..Its enough that shes hurting.
Does she really have to be handed a gift that will be a constant reminder of her loss?

I'd not send the present and write the below message in the card::

Dear mum, dad, boy and girl
I am sorry to hear about the loss of your baby dd.
I made this "gift" for dd, when you told me you were pregnant. I personalised it when you told me you were naming her "x"
I hope it can bring you some small comfort, knowing me and "my dd" were looking forward to meeting "dd". "My dd" chose the wool for it.
We are here if you need anything

Love from jets and dd

Christ. No. No. Just no. I've never been unfortunate enough to lose a child but this seems just so insensitive!

I'm not she will want it. Sorry. Perhaps you could ask her if she would want it or not before you give it.

Don't do it.

She'll be in floods of tears. Don't set her off again with the present, it won't help.

Grief is often expressed as anger and that anger always looks for a peg to hang itself on. Best not to risk your thoughtful present being that peg.

Send her a card. Ring her up or offer to go for a walk. Take your lead from her.

I would ask her if you can. I have lost a baby DD and would have appreciated the gift personally.

Not a nice idea IMO

Why don’t you just ask her? Message saying I made x for babies name, would you like it? Absolutely fine for you to say no. Keep it short, sweet and simple.

A friend had something similar and wanted people to say her name and I sent a picture with babies name and date of birth to put in a frame. She loved it and it was right for her.

I have actually been in the same position as you Ifixfastjets after my friends lost their son at 6 weeks. We had agreed I was going to get them a rose for his birth but it was sold bare rooted and so was not going to arrive until the autumn. Tragically, their son died before the autumn. Eventually I summoned up the courage to ask her what they wanted me to do with the rose. My friend was astonished that I had considered not giving it to them. Their son's ashes are buried under the rose and I know they take comfort from seeing it flower each year. She felt that not giving it would have been yet one more way in which every marker of his birth had been taken away from her. She didn't keep any clothes or toys. I suspect that not many friends or neighbours even know the significance of the rose.

Everyone responds to the loss of a baby differently and I think it's different if the gift was an item of clothing or something else like a little cross stitch card. Clothing is different to a card because it's not something her baby actually wore. In your position, I think I'd mention that I had made a gift. With time, she might even want to know your dd chose the wool. What really matters is that you take your cue from her. For what it's worth, my friends didn't like 'thinking of you' vague comments but wanted statements that addressed their loss. Your friend may be different. You just have to try and play it by ear.

I would tuck it away somewhere for you to remember.
I would be reluctant to give anyone anything in these circs. They have to think about it and give house room to it and then find it again and think of it all over again.
My dsis who is very arty, creative and talented gave me something she had made at a difficult time in my life. I resented this object for years.
Last time I moved I threw it out. The relief.

I know you are coming from a place of kindness, but I wouldn't send the gift, and I would reword the card to take out the mention of you and your DD's feelings.