More help please. You were great last time.

[Ifixfastjets]

Last week , I asked what to say to my friend who recently lost her baby.
I also mentioned i have made a personal present for baby. Before baby died.

My next "plan" is to get a simple gift bag and a sympathy card.
What do I write in the card
I'm thinking along the lines of

Dear mum, dad, boy and girl
I am sorry to hear about the loss of your baby dd.
I made this "gift" for dd, when you told me you were pregnant. I personalised it when you told me you were naming her "x"
I hope it can bring you some small comfort, knowing me and "my dd" were looking forward to meeting "dd". "My dd" chose the wool for it.
We are here if you need anything

Love from jets and dd

Please don't give her the gift, OP. I've had a couple of pregnancy losses and there is nothing I would have been more upset by than friends presenting me with clothes that my babies would never get to wear.
Just a simple card that says "thinking of you" is sufficient.

Please don't send the gift or give her the card. It won't give her any comfort, it will be salt in her already open wound. Also mentioning your own daughter's input is insensitive.

Send a simple card of condolence.

I agree with others. Put the gift aside and never mention it.

Giving it won't help her. It makes it look like you want her to thank you for your thoughtfulness - but that's about you and not her.

You clearly love her and want to help. But you can't make this better. All you can do is be nearby and quietly offer your support while she goes through the hellish journey of managing her own grief.

It's not the time to give her this gift and it probably never will be. If the baby is buried, maybe in a year or two you could visit the grave with her and leave it there as a gift. But not until the worst of her raw grief has passed and maybe not even then.

I wouldn't with the present - perhaps a little raw.

I would send a card and a little token present for them? Chocs for Mum and Dad and a little toy for the children.

With the wool, I would put it to one side and maybe perhaps make a little something for the Mum later on. It was 'Jessica's wool' but for Mum - maybe a nice pair of handless gloves etc?

Why do you want to give her the present? I think that makes it more about you and how you come across. If it was me, I would imagine it would feel like a punch in the stomach to have an item that meant for my dead DD but can't be used. But this is just me. Maybe if you know your friend well you know and that she might prefer this? 🤷🏻‍♀️

I have had multiple miscarriages and my DM had a full-term stillbirth when I was a teenager, so I do know about pregnancy loss. In my opinion this would certainly not be the right thing to do for the majority of people in this situation. I would say absolutely please don't give the gift or refer to it. A condolences card with sorry for your loss and offering practical help if there is anything you can help with would be the right thing.

I lost my baby at 12 weeks and I would be devastated if you did this, especially mentioning your DD
Mind you, everyone is different

It is coming from a good place but I would absolutely not send this gift, or even mention its existence, right now.

I would put it aside and perhaps, some time down the line, it might be the right time to mention that you made a gift for her baby and if she would like it. But that is some time in the future, and only once you can better judge the situation. And even then I would ask her first, rather than forcing it upon her (which I know isn't your intention, but may be how it feels).

Sorry, OP, my son died when he was a baby, I really wouldn't have wanted a gift for him. I appreciate where you're coming from but I think a card or a letter to the family without the present for the little one would be more appropriate.

Could you donate the gift to a charity instead? Woolly Hugs might be able to pass it on to someone in need.

I would keep it safe, if at any point in the future she indicates she wishes she had received baby gifts then you can tell her you have it and ask if she wants it.

But I’d be completely lead by her and not say a word about the item unless she specifically brings it up.

Oh gosh. I wouldn’t give an item of clothing, but a toy I might (with an amended message as suggested on page 1).

When I suffered a loss last year a friend bought me a plant with the same name as the baby would have had. It meant the world to me; it’s in the garden now.
Other people would’ve hated that I think. Tread carefully. The main thing is to acknowledge her loss and focus on her and not you.

Please don’t.

I would find that very upsetting if I was your friend. I don’t think it’s a good idea.

I think this is a lovely idea OP. If it were me in the terrible situation, it’s something that i might want to keep in a keepsake box and it’s nice to know that someone thought of my child enough to make them something. You know your friend so just follow your gut.

I really don't think giving your friend the gift is the right thing to do.
She's obviously devastated, and I can't imagine it helping in any way at all.

@SecondBabyGirl

I don't think you should give her anything, just a card. The problem is that, as you can see from responses on here, some people would think it's a lovely gesture but others would find it very hurtful. You have no way of knowing which way your friend would be. You don't want to risk upsetting her in any way. Just go for a card that says

Dear 'friend'
We are so sorry for your loss.
We are here if you need anything
Sending you lots of love
Jet & DD

I'd send this on a card. no gift. I probably would just say Jet and family or Jet.

It very much depends on what the item is whether you even give it to them imo.

There is a risk they feel oh, here is X that DD will never get to use/wear. There are ways of letting them know you are thinking of them without making it about you at all. And this is too much about you. I made this. Dd chose it. We were excited to meet her.

Dear Family

We are all so sorry for you that you have suffered the loss of DD.

If you need anything I can help with, please call.

I would have appreciated that message. It is about the people who have lost, not anyone else's feelings.

I wouldn’t give it to her now, things will be so raw & fresh & in that stage of grieving you really don’t want to remember. However, I would hold on to it & down the line when she feels more open to talking about her loss etc she may appreciate it.

I think it’s a bad idea, albeit well meant. I think your friend may find it incredibly upsetting to receive such a gift, and because you simply don’t know how she will react, it’s obviously better if you don’t. I’d err on the side of caution. A card is enough at a time like this, don’t make it about you and your need to give her something you’ve gone to the effort of making.

Sounds way too much. She doesn’t need to know how much you and your daughter were looking forward to meeting her baby or anything about choosing things for the baby. Don’t make it about you and how you feel.

All you need to say is you’re sorry, you’re there for her.

My DC was stillborn at 41 weeks. If you are close friends I would send the gift as it is a symbol of the love you have for your friend and her baby. Although it would've made me cry I would have cherished something like this from a close friend. I kept quite a few things that were given in advance of my due date. Some things I kept as a memory box thing, others were used for my second child.
The thing is, no one can really make you cry when your child dies. It is always there, but seeing and being shown love from friends and family (and even strangers sometimes) is so important, and that will often trigger your grief response. But is important to allow that grief and, to some extent share it with your loved ones. I felt "comfort" when people used my child's name, talked about them and cried with me.
I would echo PPs to leave out your daughter choosing wool in the card. But it may be appropriate at some point if it comes up in conversation to mention it as it shows how connected you and your family are to your friend and her baby, and how much you care and love them.
Sorry for the ramble. Sending much love to you and especially your friend for her loss 💐

knowing me and "my dd" were looking forward to meeting "dd". "My dd" chose the wool for it.

No, you absolutely can not write that. I know you mean well but talking about your dd in a sympathy card to someone who has just lost their baby girl is really quite thoughtless (can't think of the word I want tonuse there).

As for the present, I don't think you should risk it. I think I would quite like the acknowledgement of her name and it being remembered, but maybe not. Everyone is different.

I can see you are coming from a place of kindness but I wouldn’t give the gift. Definitely send a card though and it’s really important to use the baby’s name it.

Why don’t you ask her op?

Tell her that when she told you she was pregnant you started to make something and once you knew her name you personalised it. Tell her you care about her a lot and want to know if she wants to see/ would like it still.

No, you absolutely can not write that. I know you mean well but talking about your dd in a sympathy card to someone who has just lost their baby girl is really quite thoughtless (can't think of the word I want tonuse there).

Even though it’s addressed to the lost baby’s two parents AND two siblings? The grieving parents do have living children themselves.