More help please. You were great last time.

[Ifixfastjets]

Last week , I asked what to say to my friend who recently lost her baby.
I also mentioned i have made a personal present for baby. Before baby died.

My next "plan" is to get a simple gift bag and a sympathy card.
What do I write in the card
I'm thinking along the lines of

Dear mum, dad, boy and girl
I am sorry to hear about the loss of your baby dd.
I made this "gift" for dd, when you told me you were pregnant. I personalised it when you told me you were naming her "x"
I hope it can bring you some small comfort, knowing me and "my dd" were looking forward to meeting "dd". "My dd" chose the wool for it.
We are here if you need anything

Love from jets and dd

I am lucky enough not to habe lost a baby but honestly I cannot think of anything worse than receiving baby clothing with the child’s name on it in this context.

Send a card leave it there, you don’t know how they will take this. Personally I’d be deeply upset by it I would think

I'm not sure that I would give the gift, just a very simple card would probably be enough. Better to slightly under play it in these situations and offer more support in real life than really put your foot in it/overstep and upset somebody.

Please don't send the gift. I understand that you have the best intentions but its just not what they need right now. Im sorry, but its just tone deaf and insensitive, despite your good intentions.

This lady will be upset whatever.

You saying her babies name will not upset her any more than she is already upset.
I imagine the hospital will have provided a memory box which she could pop the gift into.

This is exactly how my friend felt.

All the gifts people had bought or made for baby were given to her anyway as 'comfort '

Each person felt like you do op and just wanted to help. She was left with bags upon bags of gifts and found herself comforting others who expressed their sadness at not meeting the child. It was awful.

She donated most of the stuff. Which in itself was a horrible ordeal.

All gifts for the baby might I add. Nothing she could actually use.

I don't think you should give her anything, just a card. The problem is that, as you can see from responses on here, some people would think it's a lovely gesture but others would find it very hurtful. You have no way of knowing which way your friend would be. You don't want to risk upsetting her in any way. Just go for a card that says

Dear 'friend'
We are so sorry for your loss.
We are here if you need anything
Sending you lots of love
Jet & DD

A simple card saying sorry for your loss and thinking of you at this time is enough.

Anything else you risk causing immense pain. As others said, it’s not about you. And this could smack a little of wanting the credit for making the clothing anyway. Which would be appalling.

Just give it to charity.

This message is all a bit me me me, although I appreciate you probably didn’t mean it too. Too many ‘I’ inclusions, it doesn’t really address the parents at all.

@justanotherneighinparadise

Why would a piece of clothing or personal affect, made for a baby that subsequently died, comfort the parent though? I don’t get it.

@justanotherneighinparadise

I think the thought is that, by giving the gift, you're acknowledging that the baby mattered, not sweeping everything under the carpet

I don't agree with that approach, but I can see that OP is coming from a place of kindness

@Ifixfastjets that sounds like a beautiful present 😘 I'm sure your friend will appreciate it. You and your DD sound lovely 💕

This message is all a bit me me me, although I appreciate you probably didn’t mean it too. Too many ‘I’ inclusions, it doesn’t really address the parents at all

Its obvious you've spent a lot of time and consideration on this message op and you want her to know it came from the heart..but you need to not speak about yourself and especially your child..

Is it a garment or a toy OP? (For some reason I was picturing a knitted rabbit.)

Maybe it makes no difference either way?

I would ask her if she wants it - contact her as you usually would and ask how she is, mention that you made something for the baby (referring to him/her however she is referring, if by name) ask her if it is something she would like to have, or whether she would rather not.

This is what I wouldn't do. Everyone grieves differently. Some people may find receiving the gig very upsetting, others may cherish it and like that you are acknowledging the baby. But pitching it wrong could really upset things. Yes it takes away any element of surprise but avoiding a possible upset is worth that surely? That way, if she doesn't want it she can just say no thank you and you've avoided a potentially very upsetting situation. If she does want it, she prepared for receiving it which could also help avoid any shock/upset if she wasn't expecting to open something with baby's name etc.

Ah okay.

I do agree grief is exceptionally personal and everybody copes with it differently. For me I would not have liked to receive something I had to ‘deal’ with in some way. However if they had a memory box I can see that something like the OP described could have been placed in the box and the box put away. So it makes a little more sense to me.

I think that is a lovely thing to do x

@lamby12

I would ask her if she wants it - contact her as you usually would and ask how she is, mention that you made something for the baby (referring to him/her however she is referring, if by name) ask her if it is something she would like to have, or whether she would rather not.

This is what I wouldn't do. Everyone grieves differently. Some people may find receiving the gig very upsetting, others may cherish it and like that you are acknowledging the baby. But pitching it wrong could really upset things. Yes it takes away any element of surprise but avoiding a possible upset is worth that surely? That way, if she doesn't want it she can just say no thank you and you've avoided a potentially very upsetting situation. If she does want it, she prepared for receiving it which could also help avoid any shock/upset if she wasn't expecting to open something with baby's name etc.

That’s really very wise advice.

I'm not sure giving her a gift for the baby she has just lost is a good idea

@TheShudderingDentist

This message is all a bit me me me, although I appreciate you probably didn’t mean it too. Too many ‘I’ inclusions, it doesn’t really address the parents at all.

This

Plus it will either add to their pain or annoy them.

Please don’t give her that as a gift. It’s honestly baffling why you think it would give her any comfort.

Save it. Then maybe in time if she openly discuss her daughter then it could be appropriate at this point to gift her this.

No, no.

That's all about you. Giving this to her is all about you looking for recognition for making something. Just no.

Absolutely not. That note makes it more about your DD than anything else. Not appropriate.

This would absolutely have killed me. Tell her that you have a gift that you made for the baby and you would be happy to give it, wait to give it, or donate it to charity. I know you're trying to be kind but I think you are sort of making this about you. Please don't risk making things even harder for her.

You sound really lovely & well intentioned 💐

If it's a small toy they can put in a memory box, that's a nice idea. But if it's an item of clothing I wouldn't - for me, it's too much like 'here's something your DD will never be able to wear'

I would just send a card.

I would have wanted the card but not the present. I agree it makes it seem that you're just giving it because you didn't want to waste it. What, in reality, will your friend do with it?
You sound like you want to be a good friend but you're starting to creep into the territory where you are making it about showing everyone what a good friend you are rather than actually being a good friend.