To think this is a snobby view?

[MiaMarshmallows]

Friend has been married for 35 years and never divorced.
She said the other day ' I find it so depressing when I see photos of a couple with their children and then less than a year later, said couple have split and there's a new woman/man in place acting like a new family all being photographed together. '

Just got my back up a bit.

@itwaseverthus I was much happier in my blended family, thank you. What experience do you have to make such a statement?

@Pukkatea

Oh wow. My parents split up, I was 'ferried' between houses and had multiple step parents. Glad to see everyone sees my childhood as so sad and depressing. Save your condescension.

Yes, extremely snobby, privileged and patronising.

Did one of both of your parents meet somebody new and move in with them within months of their divorce? If they did, then I do feel a little sad for the child that you were, who didn’t have time to process their parents’ divorce and a new life with separated parents before being required to live with strange men and women who probably didn’t care much for you.

If that wasn’t the case, then you’ve misread the thread. Nobody expects divorced parents to be celibate forever. It isn’t about parents separating and then meeting a new partner. It’s about those who do it with such speed that the poor children don’t have a chance to get to know the new adults in their lives before they have to have them as a permanent fixture.

Life experience Pukkatea, life experience. Delighted you are much happier, am sure some will be of course.

@LucieStar

Actually *@AcrossthePond55* my DP and his exW are a classic example - there was no abuse but it was a broken marriage and they weren't happy at all. The kids could tell. They tried to make it work for longer than they should have (by his admission). Because neither of them was prepared to throw it away. At that point, I'm not sure either of them was putting the kids at the forefront of what was best.

Yes, this is what I'm talking about.

I think most of us know one or more families where the children would be better with two happy homes rather than living in the dysfunction of their parent's unhappy marriage.

Children are very emotionally-intuitive creatures, especially young children. Parents think they are hiding their unhappiness. They aren't and the children often blame themselves (wrongly) for their parent's unhappiness.

@ComtesseDeSpair I can read, yes. My stepmum moved in within a year. After my mother died she became a surrogate parent and still is now 25 years later. I didn't live with my mum but she was also in a new relationship with a man who, even though it didn't work out, still keeps in touch with me today, as does my eventual stepfather by marriage even though he remarried after my mum died. I'm not sure why everyone finds it so hard to believe that some children do not need to 'process' a divorce like a victim and are in fact perfectly happy with their parents making choices for their happiness. Mumsnet loves to go on about creating resilience in young people and yet.

I think most of us know one or more families where the children would be better with two happy homes rather than living in the dysfunction of their parent's unhappy marriage.

Yes, totally. I don't believe that married parents should stay together at all costs. Sometimes, the kids will be infinitely better off if they split. However, having split, the parents then have a choice between staying single while the kids are still at home, or creating a new blended family. Personally, I'd have waited.

I honestly couldn't have lived with myself today if I thought my father had sacrificed finding happiness for himself until I left home (which would have been twelve years).

My ex and ow moved in v quickly. Within a few months my v young kids were talking about their step mother and sibling. They are still together and my kids are OK going there but if they had a choice, they'd have us back together like a shot. They virtually never see their dad or spend time with just him. It's always the whole family. My ex has repeatedly expressed scepticism that my partner of some years is still at arms length and will remain so. It seems beyond his comprehension that you might prioritise the kids ' best interests over your own.

"Just in the way that she has been lucky enough to have a marriage which has lasted"

Wow. Do you think that LUCK is the sole reason a marriage lasts?

'Blended' families rarely work for the children so those photos make me sad, too. Can you imagine having an unrelated person, potentially with their children as well, moving into your house when you have no say in it and nowhere else to go? Just awful.

@Pukkatea

Oh wow. My parents split up, I was 'ferried' between houses and had multiple step parents. Glad to see everyone sees my childhood as so sad and depressing. Save your condescension.

Yes, extremely snobby, privileged and patronising.

As much as this thread isn't about you personally, do you think it's not at all depressing when children are ferried between houses and have multiple step parents then?

Do you honestly think that's in any child's best interest??

Well said Pukkatea.
I appreciate it doesn't work out as well for everyone but for us, our blended family is the best thing that has happened to all of us. Divorce doesn't have to be a traumatic, awful thing. Sometimes it can work out better because everyone is happier.

As for my friend, she has got lucky. I am not saying she hasn't worked at her marriage but not many make it to 35 years and still going strong. I appreciate I don't know what goes on behind closed doors but they were both very lucky to find each other so young and to stay in love.

@HugeAckmansWife

My ex and ow moved in v quickly. Within a few months my v young kids were talking about their step mother and sibling. They are still together and my kids are OK going there but if they had a choice, they'd have us back together like a shot. They virtually never see their dad or spend time with just him. It's always the whole family. My ex has repeatedly expressed scepticism that my partner of some years is still at arms length and will remain so. It seems beyond his comprehension that you might prioritise the kids ' best interests over your own.

Sounds like you're not over him.

@WorraLiberty I merely wanted to offer my experience where yes, I would honestly say it was absolutely fine, happy and preferable to when my parents were together. I loved my multiple step parents, I loved my two houses and my two Christmases and I've turned out extremely well in life. Hard not to take it personally on a whole thread of people calling your childhood experience depressing.

I was a ferried child and I found it depressing then, and massively struggle with it still aged nearly 35

[quote Pukkatea]@WorraLiberty I merely wanted to offer my experience where yes, I would honestly say it was absolutely fine, happy and preferable to when my parents were together. I loved my multiple step parents, I loved my two houses and my two Christmases and I've turned out extremely well in life. Hard not to take it personally on a whole thread of people calling your childhood experience depressing.[/quote]
They aren't calling Pukkatea's personal childhood experience depressing though are they?

There'll always be a few exception to the rules

But in general, splitting up a child's home life and then introducing new boyfriends/girlfriends to them quickly, does not make for a happy childhood.

I'm sure even you can see that?

I agree with your friend.
The blended family environment can be intensely stressful for children. As a group, they have higher rates of abuse and neglect, poorer mental health, more behavioural problems, and worse academic outcomes than children in nuclear families. The research shows that as the pace of change increases, children’s wellbeing decreases. Introducing a new partner to the family too soon makes everything harder for the child and is not in their best interests. So, it is a shame when it happens, and it is very sad.

they were both very lucky to find each other so young and to stay in love
In love, yeah that's what it's all about
OP of course a new blended family can work out well in the long run. Your friend was commenting on the haste with which some people start off the new family. I haven't seen any argument to demonstrate why this is a good thing, rather than a longer period of adjustment.

I do think her comment struck you as a bit unnecessarily judgemental and self-satisfied, so I don't think YABU

I appreciate it doesn't work out as well for everyone but for us, our blended family is the best thing that has happened to all of us
The parent always says that. The children very rarely agree.

You seem jealous that your friend hasn’t been divorced

It’s fine to be divorced and get remarried to someone else/have step kids etc but it’s also fine to stay married to one person for your entire life. You seem very judgemental.

I don't find the statement snobby on it's own. But if she said it to you, OP, knowing that you had split up and got with someone else very quickly then that was very tactless.

I do think in general patents underestimated how disrupting and hard divorce/blended families are for children.

@MiaMarshmallows

Just in the way that she has been lucky enough to have a marriage which has lasted but not everyone is as fortunate. Also, blended families can be very happy and children can benefit from it in terms of more love to go around. I just didn't like her tone. Everyone's circumstance is different and if love is found again, even if it is deemed too soon then why not just be happy for people.

First off, it’s not luck. It’s graft. Making a marriage work for decades means a real commitment to tending that relationship at all stages of life.

“If love is found again” is great for the adults. For the children, not so much. The need time to grieve the split of their family and feel in a stable environment, not have potential step parents and siblings thrown at them after a few months.

One of a friend’s children moved out at 16 because her mum moved a new bloke in after a few months and she was miserable living in a forced family she had no relationship with. My cousin had “no introductions to her kids for a year, no moving in for at least 2” after experiencing the rushed “replacement parent” in her own childhood.

Moving in quickly is prioritising the parent’s love life.

I think she has a very good point TBH.

I agree with her.