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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think this is a snobby view?

388 replies

MiaMarshmallows · 16/03/2021 12:13

Friend has been married for 35 years and never divorced.
She said the other day ' I find it so depressing when I see photos of a couple with their children and then less than a year later, said couple have split and there's a new woman/man in place acting like a new family all being photographed together. '

Just got my back up a bit.

OP posts:
Thenose · 16/03/2021 18:06

"they were both very lucky to find each other so young and to stay in love"

Gosh, that presents a very fragile basis for relationships. People don't usually stay together because they've remained 'in love'. Feeling 'in love' comes and goes.

Turth · 16/03/2021 18:06

I have been married 15 years and worked at it every day, I would never say it is luck. I also had divorced parents and was thrust into blended families on both sides, really quickly and my Mum even got married without telling us kids (we thought you wouldn’t want to come!!!!!!!!!!) My dad got some one pregnant six months after meeting her by mistake. I was 17. It was mortifying as a teen (I do love the product of that whoopsie now). My family life was so complicated, I was forever having to watch myself in my own home (s) so as not to offend step parents or half siblings or step siblings, as well as deal with my own siblings. My parents were wealthy and so not sure where your snob comment came from people from all walks of life get divorced. I want my own children to have as simple a set up as possible, I would never wish my own set up on anyone, yes I survived but it was pretty grim and confusing and uncomfortable.

WorraLiberty · 16/03/2021 18:06

@HeyDemonsItsYaGirl

I appreciate it doesn't work out as well for everyone but for us, our blended family is the best thing that has happened to all of us The parent always says that. The children very rarely agree.
Yes, the OP hasn't said how old these children are but when they're grown up, that'll be the only time she can say with any assurance that they were truly happy with their dad jumping into another relationship so fast.
lifehack · 16/03/2021 18:09

It doesn't matter what she thinks, the people in the photo are clearly happy and moved on.

Problematicbehaviour · 16/03/2021 18:10

Out of curiosity what would people count as too soon? When’s it long enough? Can you introduce a new parter too late?

FedNlanders · 16/03/2021 18:11

Just ignore it.

I have a friend stuck in a bad marriage but never admits it to anyone. I'd rather be divorced and happy than in her situation and my kids smiles are real!

CuteBear · 16/03/2021 18:11

How long was it between leaving your DC’s dad and moving in with new DP? How old were DC? It can be very confusing and unsettling for children when one of their parents quickly jumps into a relationship, especially one serious enough to “blend” families.

Of course, if you’re in an unhappy relationship then you shouldn’t stay for the kids. However, it’s not “snobby” to say it’s sad that parents quickly jump into relationships following a split.

Twolostsoulsswimminginafishbow · 16/03/2021 18:11

I agree with her. Nobody says there’s anything wrong with blended families but it is depressing when you see how quickly new partners can be introduced over and over. We’ve all seen it.
I’ve just celebrated my Silver wedding anniversary and luck has nothing to do with it.

AlexaShutUp · 16/03/2021 18:12

Out of curiosity what would people count as too soon?

Personally, I wouldn't have moved in with a new partner until my dd was an adult. I'm not necessarily saying that everyone should wait that long, but from the child's perspective, I think that is probably the ideal. Might not be a popular opinion, though.

WorraLiberty · 16/03/2021 18:21

I don't think it's the OP who has young DC, I think it's her bloke who jumped straight to her after splitting with their mum.

Crazycrazylady · 16/03/2021 18:29

I also agree with her. I have been totally gobsmacked with the speed of which some people move new partners in after a separation and I don't care what you say it's not good for kids. I assume though that it's people who can't bare to be on their own that do this.

toconclude · 16/03/2021 18:30

I don't think you know what the word snobbery means.

Walkaround · 16/03/2021 18:32

Reading this thread, you could say, instead, isn’t it sad that so many families are unhappy one way or another? It’s not as if most relationships break up because everyone is happy. It’s not as if finding someone else means everyone is instantly happy. Might as well admit there’s generally a period of stress and unhappiness involved and that it takes time to recover from it and move on, regardless of how wonderful the thing you are moving on to. And I don’t believe it’s true everyone is likely to be genuinely happy, settled and contented within the space of a year - what went before and getting used to what comes after takes a bit of time, especially as you mostly aren’t moving on and leaving your past behind, you’re still carrying that past with you and it’s affecting your present.

lobsteroll · 16/03/2021 18:34

I agree that it is a bit judgemental rather than snobby but I've got to say I agree with her.

I think when parents split up and move on quickly (and involve and introduce the children) it is quite depressing.

Children need stability and after a break up they need their parents love, attention and security. Not adding strangers into the mix to confuse them even further.

This is not to say parents can't date etc, I just think they should be extremely cautious before involving their children with new partners.

Diverseopinions · 16/03/2021 18:38

Just to play devil's advocate a bit and to add a bit of contrast, I still don't get why the advice on Mumsnet threads is often that the poster should leave. I have often thought this.

I'm sure tomorrow there will be a problem: perhaps a poster's partner says her friend is the best-looking woman he's ever seen and refuses to unsay it or qualify the comment. Or, hubby is depressed and just watches TV after work. (He's scared his business will fold during Covid restrictions - unsurprisingly. )The advice is often that it is so unreasonable, they should go. Especially if the problem can't be discussed. Or, husband only likes making love if she pretends to be a nurse, and she doesn't like doing this. But he's a great and responsible dad. The advice will come back to consider leaving, because sexual incompatibility, even if it develops late, is a deal breaker. Or husband keeps grabbing my bum, someone might post. 'That's not on; leave' will come the reply.

You are blessed if your partner wants to discuss issues between you. You can't work on your marriage if you're talking to a brick wall, because your other half refuses or doesn't have the introspective skills to engage with you.

On the one hand, some threads will be decrying the way that women are treated, patronised, cat-called by men, in public by people they don't know, or at home or in the workplace. On the other hand, there will be a view that marriage will be fine if you decide you are going to stick at it.

I think the truth is that we all ought to try hard to work at marriage and one stable lifelong marriage is best. However, parents are under greater pressure than forty years ago to provide an emotionally calm environment for their children. In terms of child experts, any kind of tension is bad for the kids, so many women do leave marriages in which the man has become emotionally aggressive or controlling.

Planty13 · 16/03/2021 18:40

Ah, so you’re taking it personally?

I think you’re friend is correct. It is sad when a family unit falls apart. And I find it even sadder when parents jump into new relationships and make a “new” family so quickly. I certainly wouldn’t be introducing any boyfriends to my kids until it has been a good 18 months of a strong, consistent relationship but I honestly can’t imagine meeting anyone I would be comfortable with introducing my kids too. After an upheaval like that I would have extremely high standards regarding who I’d bring into our lives, especially when the children are young.

I’m not sure how you can say the kids lead you? Who is the parent? How did they even know? They’re kids! They need reliability and consistency and were likely quite insecure at the time and craving their old unit back.

CommanderBurnham · 16/03/2021 18:42

Not snobby, smug maybe, but that will be in the tone of the delivery of the comment.

Runmybathforme · 16/03/2021 18:48

@MiaMarshmallows

Just in the way that she has been lucky enough to have a marriage which has lasted but not everyone is as fortunate. Also, blended families can be very happy and children can benefit from it in terms of more love to go around. I just didn't like her tone. Everyone's circumstance is different and if love is found again, even if it is deemed too soon then why not just be happy for people.
Can’t see what’s ‘ snobby ‘ about her remark. I think it’s true that too many people put their own needs before the childrens. I think they often convince themselves the children are happy with the new arrangements in order to get what they want. It is sad.
Emeraldshamrock · 16/03/2021 18:50

Echoing others it is sad for the DC who had a happy home in their opinion.
The ones in abusive homes it is a relief.
Throwing a new live in partner into either situation is sad for the DC.

wusbanker · 16/03/2021 18:57

@MiaMarshmallows

Just in the way that she has been lucky enough to have a marriage which has lasted but not everyone is as fortunate. Also, blended families can be very happy and children can benefit from it in terms of more love to go around. I just didn't like her tone. Everyone's circumstance is different and if love is found again, even if it is deemed too soon then why not just be happy for people.
Waiting to meet someone you are compatible with and building a solid marriage before you have kids with them, then working hard to keep your relationship together is not being "lucky".

I'm all for "just be happy for people" when kids aren't involved. It's difficult to have new mums and dads around every month.

solicitoring · 16/03/2021 18:59

It is depressing.

PradaBallbag · 16/03/2021 18:59

This reminds me of my former best friend saying 'don't you feel like you've failed' when I left my abusive ex husband. Needless to say she's not my friend any more.

PegasusReturns · 16/03/2021 19:03

OP I recall some of your threads - if I remember right you are in a LD relationship and you have adult children as does tour DH?

That’s not a blended family in the way that many are talking about and it’s a bit disingenuous to suggest blended families are fantastic when your essentially referencing a bunch of adults who don’t live together meeting and getting on as adults

PradaBallbag · 16/03/2021 19:13

Jesus Christ there's a lot of judgement on this thread. Not everyone who has been divorced moves a new partner in within a year.

And as for 'won't someone think of the children??' Christ. Adults deserve a life as well.

Warrickdaviesasplates · 16/03/2021 19:18

@PradaBallbag I don't think people on this thread are saying that everyone who gets divorced moves a new partner straight in.

But the ops friend said that felt sad when they saw a new happy family photo including a new partner and children less than a year after the last happy family photo with the last spouse.

So it is about people forcing new family roles very quickly.

I don't think anyone would judge somebody for leaving an awful relationship.

The children deserve stability and happiness as well and some adults are happy to just force their happiness on to everyone else without leaving the children time to adjust.