To think this is a snobby view?

[MiaMarshmallows]

Friend has been married for 35 years and never divorced.
She said the other day ' I find it so depressing when I see photos of a couple with their children and then less than a year later, said couple have split and there's a new woman/man in place acting like a new family all being photographed together. '

Just got my back up a bit.

It's a bit judgy - assumes that people who are in new marraiges aren't happy

Everyone's circumstance is different and if love is found again...
And again, and again, and again...

I don't know if some people just can't imagine life not in a relationship but there are certainly some who move from one to another very fast. Each to their own but I'm not sure that it's healthy. Better to spend some time single to work out what went wrong last time so that you don't miss the red flags again. Less heartache that way. What other people do in their relationships is their business but I do feel sorry for children caught in a game of ping-pong.

I'm not a fan of the whole social media exhibition either. In my experience, the more people post about how great their relationships, the more likely it is that the relationship isn't all that great. Insecurity, you see. One week there are dozens of gushy posts ("so lucky" etc.), then next week it's like Yezhov never existed.

It's a bit judgy - assumes that people who are in new marraiges aren't happy

No it doesn't. The new married people may be ecstatic...but their children? Not so much.

I agree with the friend, it is sad

I'm a fully fledged snob but they would have no influence on this view

I don't see what's snobby about it

@OneDayAtATime1305

It's a bit judgy - assumes that people who are in new marraiges aren't happy

How does it assume that? .

I'm sure that some blended families work beautifully, and I take my hat off to those who manage it successfully. Sadly, in many cases, I think these arrangements work much better for the parents than the children.

Personally, if DH and I had ever split, I would not have moved in with another partner until dd was an adult. I have seen it go wrong for the kids too many times. A lot of dd's friends are in this position right now, and it's so hard for them. I'm sure their parents insist that it's great for everyone, though.

@MiaMarshmallows

Just in the way that she has been lucky enough to have a marriage which has lasted but not everyone is as fortunate. Also, blended families can be very happy and children can benefit from it in terms of more love to go around. I just didn't like her tone. Everyone's circumstance is different and if love is found again, even if it is deemed too soon then why not just be happy for people.

Many adults have a very rose tainted view of blended families but the reality is often very different. I know plenty of adults who have gone NC due to realising as an adult they were never the priority.

I doubt it’s just luck that the marriage has lasted, it takes effort etc. Some want the big day without realising the commitment being made and many rush into children before a relationship is stable enough.

Like most fortune in life it's luck AND work.

My parents split due to an affair and I'm lucky that both parents stuck with their new partners and are still together 20+ years later. Those step parents and siblings are unequivocally my family.

But I do agree with your neighbour and if my partner and i split i wouldn't date again until they had left home. If I can't make a 10+ year relationship work I don't want to try again while I still have kids at home because I don't want the children to get attached and go through another split.

Sounds like your issue, not hers.

Of course it's better to stay married to the same person and have a marriage that works. It's better for the kids and the couple.

It doesn't always work out. That is sad.

But I don't see that she's passing judgement - she's rightly recognising that it's sad for all concerned and that in some cases, folk jump in too soon which is rarely good for the kids.

Question is, why did it raise your hackles? That's the real issue.

I agree. It's sad. I don't know anyone who was happy with the set up after their parents split up.

Been together nearly 3 years now and very happy. It was very quick for us but clearly was right as here we are now in a lovely position even with coronavirus scuppering a lot of our plans and complicating things.

Ah, well. There you go.

Everyone thinks that they are the exception. Sometimes they are right. Usually they are wrong. You might be either.

It's not snobby at all.

"Blended families" are very difficult and they need to be driven at the pace of the child's comfort, not of the adults involved.

I'm not of the view that its always a tragedy when a marriage breaks down and I think those people saying their 30+ year marriage survived due to hard work may be looking at this selectively: actually there are plenty of reasons to celebrate the end of a bad marriage.

But its definitely true that blending families is much harder for children than a lot of the adults in question realise. I think anyone who is moving a new partner in as step-parent inside a year is being pretty reckless.

Also, blended families can be very happy and children can benefit from it in terms of more love to go around

Yeah, thats what the adults who want to blend always say. The kids, not so much

@IHateCoronavirus

I agree with the majority on here. Relationships do break up, sometimes that is out of our control and it is sad for everyone involved, even if it for the best. The ones that have stayed together have been down to hard work amongst other factors. People putting their own needs and happiness before the well-being of their children is the depressing thing. That may mean moving with things too quickly, it might mean prioritising the relationship with the new partner over ensuring continuity for the DCs. I was a teacher for a long time (now training to be a counsellor) I thought I saw the biggest impact of divorce/blended family set ups in school with children and teens. Now, I am flabbergasted at the number of adults who still carry the burden of family breakdown years and years later. Yes, it is very, very sad.

As a retired therapist who first specialised in couples work and later also worked with adolescents and young adults I agree that the impact of parents splitting up and new families forming can have a devastating effects on young people. However, living in a house with a dead or damaged parental relationship can be equally damaging. If you never see a healthy, loving adult relationship it can be very hard to form one yourself.

Oh wow. My parents split up, I was 'ferried' between houses and had multiple step parents. Glad to see everyone sees my childhood as so sad and depressing. Save your condescension.

Yes, extremely snobby, privileged and patronising.

There is huge stigma when it comes to single parenting and it is this, I believe, that fuels the speed with which some new unions are formed. You should perhaps ask your friend her views on single parents as that will be very telling.

For a different perspective, I have been single for 14 years now - boyfriends, one night stands, short term relationships abound but never managed to find someone that I want to risk it for. According to some that makes me a martyr and my ex even told my kids that I had deprived them of a normal family life. So can’t win, whatever you do!

I don't find your friends statement snobby at all - it just sounds like she probably finds it all abit sad, the memories, all that time together, then boom - it's over.

@MiaMarshmallows - it’s not remotely snobby, given that people of all social classes have been known to do this. It’s just her opinion. And, tbh, I wouldn’t as a child have thought moving between different households all the time, getting used to different personalities, arrangements and expectations, issues over birthdays, Christmases, holidays, special events, etc, etc, was my idea of domestic bliss within the space of a year. However you view it and however amicable the split, it’s a major upheaval in everyone’s lives and that takes a long time to get genuinely used to, rather than pretending it’s all fantastic from the start just so as to avoid uncomfortable conversations and admissions.

I agree with her and I'm divorced.

Blended families usually benefit the adults more than the children and I wouldn't force that on my DS.

Also, blended families can be very happy and children can benefit from it in terms of more love to go around

They can be, with respect for the children's needs, caution and time. But not inside a year of a split.

Anyone who has moved a partner in, crowned them step-parent and is playing happily families after a year will almost certainly be creating significant resentment in their children.

There’s a difference, in other words, between finding it sad at first and thinking it is forever a bad thing.

Not snobby and your friend has a point.

My parents divorced when I was preschool age. I can honestly say that I have no issues with them going their separate ways. Neither of them would have been happy.

What I did hate (but wasn't allowed to say so at the time) was the speed at which my mother moved her new boyfriends in. We barely knew them at all.

I also disliked the way they were celebrated as veritable heroes for (quote) "taking on" children that weren't theirs. It made us feel like a crappy burden that no one would normally want.

If you were to ask my mother she would tell you that it was all fine as her final partner stayed for over 20 years. What she won't tell you is that we all left home as soon as we could to get away from him and rarely went back to visit if we could help it.

I don't think it was snobby. She's clearly worked at her marriage and no doubt so has her husband. It's not 'luck' at all. It's often a choice to stay and see it through the harder times. Children would always prefer to remain in their nuclear family than blended and to pretend otherwise is pretty sad.