To think this is a snobby view?

[MiaMarshmallows]

Friend has been married for 35 years and never divorced.
She said the other day ' I find it so depressing when I see photos of a couple with their children and then less than a year later, said couple have split and there's a new woman/man in place acting like a new family all being photographed together. '

Just got my back up a bit.

There's only a small percentage of blended families that actually work. Sadly it's usually the adults telling everyone the kids are happy and better off rather than the kids actually having that experience. The majority grow up carrying a whole lot of baggage into their adult lives that takes them a long time to work through. There's a whole lot of self imposed gaslighting in blended families.

As far as 'new partners', well, why not? If both the (ex)parent's homes are loving and caring, who cares? The children in a loving blended family have a much better chance than those living in a 'traditional' home with unhappily married parents.

The children often care. Far too often, the blending is driven by the parents' desires, not what might be best for the children involved.

And statistics don't bear you out with regards to chances in life, which are better for children from married households.

I suspect the comment came too close to the OP's own circumstances for comfort, and in that case was a tactless remark, but not a snobby one.

And statistics don't bear you out with regards to chances in life, which are better for children from married households.

Even when there's constant arguing and fighting in a marriage that kids are witnessing?

No not snobby at all. Do you think she was having a pop at you? If so, I can understand why you’re a bit miffed.

think you're confused about what snobbery is.

Does it matter whether the word is snobby, snooty, snotty or superior? We know what OP means.

By saying she is snobby you are inferring that divorce is a class thing , which it clearly is not .

You are saying she is lucky not to be divorced , well you could equally say some families are lucky not to be affected by divorce . But from reading some threads on her it is sad that a lot of children are affected and don’t move on easily . That’s not a judgement on divorce it’s a comment on what is often a sad situation.

‘As far as 'new partners', well, why not? If both the (ex)parent's homes are loving and caring, who cares? The children in a loving blended family have a much better chance than those living in a 'traditional' home with unhappily married parents.‘

The children usually care, and oftentimes the parent will convince themselves the blended family is a ‘loving and caring’ environment, but it’s a fiction to justify putting themselves before their children.

@willibald

As far as 'new partners', well, why not? If both the (ex)parent's homes are loving and caring, who cares? The children in a loving blended family have a much better chance than those living in a 'traditional' home with unhappily married parents.

The children often care. Far too often, the blending is driven by the parents' desires, not what might be best for the children involved.

And statistics don't bear you out with regards to chances in life, which are better for children from married households.

From a happily married home, sure. But certainly not from an UNhappily married home. And there are quite a few of those.

Statistics in these cases can be rather skewed. Who's going to admit that their children are living in a home full of constant bickering, disrespect, or abuse? Those parents are just as likely to to be 'driven' by their own desires to put on a 'good show' as a parent 'blending' a home. Children thrive in a happy home, regardless of what type of home it is.

Divorce/leaving a marriage is not a class thing but I do think there is a link between class and moving a new man in within months of a relationship ending.

And when I say class I’m referring to what is sometimes referred to as the under class.

*From a happily married home, sure. But certainly not from an UNhappily married home. And there are quite a few of those.

Statistics in these cases can be rather skewed. Who's going to admit that their children are living in a home full of constant bickering, disrespect, or abuse? Those parents are just as likely to to be 'driven' by their own desires to put on a 'good show' as a parent 'blending' a home. Children thrive in a happy home, regardless of what type of home it is.*

Excellent point.

Bold fail - @AcrossthePond55 I was quoting your post there

Actually @AcrossthePond55 my DP and his exW are a classic example - there was no abuse but it was a broken marriage and they weren't happy at all. The kids could tell. They tried to make it work for longer than they should have (by his admission). Because neither of them was prepared to throw it away. At that point, I'm not sure either of them was putting the kids at the forefront of what was best.

The 2 blended families I know are always smiling determinedly, but with very gritted teeth. The parents had separated, then met, then moved in with their new partners before the solicitors could even get the divorce papers together. Then followed all the overhyped family holidays to Disney with the partner posing with a step child they've known for less than a year, and the caption Best friends forever or similar, saccharine schtick.

It all so shallow and superficial. And it's always the children who suffer.

Are you 'new mummy?
The children were probably happy with their original swtyo and their real mum.
You sound very naive to think that the children are lucky having two set a of parents
As if that makes up for the diisrutuin.
It doesn't.

The disruption

I think you are projecting your own insecurities.

Haha, it depends.

Being snobbish about say, within a lot less than a year of a split new partner perhaps being captured in a candid photo with the family on something like a day out - I suppose I'd be inclined to think that SIBU/YANBU.

Being snobbish about a new partner say being moved in lock stock & barrel within a lot less than a year of a split - SINBU/YABU.

@PegasusReturns

Divorce/leaving a marriage is not a class thing but I do think there is a link between class and moving a new man in within months of a relationship ending.

And when I say class I’m referring to what is sometimes referred to as the under class.

I understand where you're coming from. In certain stratas of society, very often, the woman still takes her status from her male partner. It's seen as infinitely better to be with a man, any man, rather than be single. A single woman has far lower social status than a woman with a male partner, no matter how useless or abusive the man might be. It's positively tribal.

It is really sad to see marriages end when children are involved. In saying this, single parent households ofteb provide very stable and loving homes for children.

However, moving children in with a new partner within months of a marriage ending can be really tough for the children involved.

Smug and judgemental maybe. Not snobby

I don't think people that are married for 35 years are "lucky", I think they have probably worked very hard at it. Being married is not easy.

A lot of couples give up on marriage far too easily - yes there are a lot of abusive arseholes out there and no-one should have to put up with that. There's no merit in staying in a really unhappy marriage. But that aside I think a lot of people expect a disney fairytale and aren't prepared to work at it.

I do judge people with very young children that split up - it's often the man that has legged it and got a replacement very quickly. It's bloody awful. No sense of committment or responsibility.

@MsRinky

It is depressing that many marriages don't last, and it also depressing when adults put their own needs above those of their kids and rush into new blended family arrangements before catching their breath.

This.

It's always unfortunate when relationships break up, however sometimes that's unavoidable. What's uncomfortable when six months later the children have a new Mummy/Daddy who's a permanent fixture of their home.

Your friend is right. Some people with children bounce shockingly fast from relationship to relationship which is very sad for the kids who generally don't realise how fucked up it is until much later. Blended families can work but generally don't ime and the adults in particular often kid themselves because it's worked at one stage and they assume that means it will always work.

It's also sad when people stay in dead end marriages from fear or because they see it as failure to divorce. There's a lot of unhappy parents doing their kids a disservice.