To think this is a snobby view?

[MiaMarshmallows]

Friend has been married for 35 years and never divorced.
She said the other day ' I find it so depressing when I see photos of a couple with their children and then less than a year later, said couple have split and there's a new woman/man in place acting like a new family all being photographed together. '

Just got my back up a bit.

Just in the way that she has been lucky enough to have a marriage which has lasted but not everyone is as fortunate. Also, blended families can be very happy and children can benefit from it in terms of more love to go around

If you jump into marriage quickly then it not lasting a year isn’t down to luck but purely bad judgement. From the marriages I know personally that haven’t lasted 1 year (with or without children involved). Someone has taken one of the couple aside and questioned whether the wedding they were planning was such a great idea.
As friends we all hoped we had misread the bride or groom and wished them all the best but the Red Flags were flying high as they marched up the aisle (figuratively).
One didn’t last the honeymoon and one didn’t even make it to the end of the reception.
I don’t think any break ups came as a shock, more of a relief that our friends had come to their senses.

I think blended families are brilliant when they work but a lot of it is down to the slow pace of introducing everyone. If yours works then and you got together at break neck speed then that is fantastic. But it is the exception rather than the norm.
I can only think of one couple who got together post both their divorces who moved in together after a few months and it worked but that was down to a chain of freaky coincidences. I won’t go into details as it would be too outing and not my story to tell but both sets of their friends were very happy they got together.

I don’t think it is snobby to be sad at the amount of divorces and the musical chairs some parents play when bringing a new partner into their children’s lives.

I don't know how I would be at home if I had a bf here. Normally I'm either on my own in my room or downstairs with the kids, cooking, watching something they've casted to the tv, chatting to the dc. Am I weird that I cannot visualise how I would even talk to a man if he was in the house. Also, our house is only about 800 sq foot so in the kitchen we are saying ''excuse me!'' to get around the table to the kettle.

I must be a bit of an oddball but the thoughts of a bf living with us make me really stressed! HOW do people make it work?

Is this a reverse?

I missed the timeframe in the OP, the moving someone in within the year part of the post. Yes, I do think that is way to fast. Not easy for the children at all.

I think, if it's going to happen, moving in after four or five years would be better, after everyone has got to know each other.

Sorry, I agree with her

Even if the couple don't move in together straight away, the kids still don't need other adults complicating what is probably the most stressful situation in that child's life so far.

She’s right that some people get overexcited and blend new boyfriends and girlfriends far too quickly. I’m a step mum and have friends who are step mums and dads so I’ve seen a variety of situations. Most people plenty of thought into making sure the children are happy, settled and feel able to be honest about their feelings. Some don’t. My brother’s wife asked him to move in with her and her two teens while her second divorce (from their first step dad) was still going through. My step kids’ mum met a man on tinder, two days later he was picking them up from school with her, a week later he’d moved in. The kids didn’t mind her having a boyfriend but they didn’t know him from Adam and hated a stranger living in their home so quickly. They asked DH to ask her to get him to move back out. They don’t have a great relationship so it would have caused a riot but he spoke to them about how to talk to her themselves. He was a giant man baby and it didn’t last long so they won’t through an awful unnecessary lot of change for nothing. While she was spamming Facebook about how blessed her new family was, what an amazing step dad this douche was, the kids were hating him hanging around their home eating all their food and hogging the tv.

Yabu. I think its really poor parenting when people are divorced and then in a year there's a whole new family and baby on the way. I can't imagine the children were the priority.

I also agree with your friend. It takes hard work to make a marriage last that long and I think it's incredibly sad for the kids to be forced to adjust to a blended family so quickly after a pretty drastic change such as separation or divorce. Some kids react badly straight away but some find it difficult to express themselves straight away, especially after being thrust into a change when they were probably not living in a completely harmonious environment before their parents' separation.

Sorry OP but I also agree with her. If someone has ended a marriage, met a new partner, and moved them in within the space of less than a year then they have moved too fast and certainly not in their children's interests.

3rdmarriage for both of us, have been together 20 years and married 18, we are still fresh and honeymooning takes a bit of work though.
if thatmakes us smug or snobby then i for one, am happy to be judged as such.

@MiaMarshmallows

Friend has been married for 35 years and never divorced. She said the other day ' I find it so depressing when I see photos of a couple with their children and then less than a year later, said couple have split and there's a new woman/man in place acting like a new family all being photographed together. '

Just got my back up a bit.

So your friend isn't talking about blended families as such, but is commenting on the unseemly SPEED with which someone will move from one partner to the next, incorporating the new partner into their children's lives.

Given that the consensus is that imposing an ever-changing carousel of new adults in the household on your children affects them negatively, and that is better for the children if their parent only introduces them to a new partner once the parent is sure the new partner will stick around - just how fast did you move your new partner in, @MiaMarshmallows?

So yes, you are being very unreasonable. Your friend said something that most people would agree with. Your reaction suggests you know she's right, and that's why you're being so defensive.

How can you work hard on a marriage when your partner is likely to give you STDs and is destroying your morale?

I can see your point, but I think its that both partners are supposed to be working hard on the marriage.
Obviously if you are shackled to a dickhead then it's probably too late. But if he worked hard on the marriage also and was understanding, helpful round the house, didn't shag the secretary etc then it would work.
You both need to put in the work, not just one.

There was probably an aspect of her congratulating herself on her own good fortune. Except she probably doesn't see it as good fortune, but her doing everything right, and those who split up doing it all wrong.

If her son grows up and leaves his wife she'll readjust her viewpoint accordingly and make the new gf welcome. She'll probably take their new family pics herself.

If her son grows up and leaves his wife she'll readjust her viewpoint accordingly and make the new gf welcome. She'll probably take their new family pics herself.

How welcome she makes her may depend on the speed at which her son introduces her to her grandchildren?

After all, that's what the OP is about.

Maybe she sounded smug?

Even if she said it (or you heard it as being) in a self congratulatory way that isnt even capable of being ‘snobby’.
Might be ‘smug’ etc but snobbishness doesn’t come into this m surely unless you yourself think it is somehow ‘common’ to have a relationship that doesn’t work out ??

@MrsTulipTattsyrup

I think the depressing bit is the shoehorning of a new stepparent into a family so quickly. It can’t be good for the children.

This.

I agree with your friend. So many people seem to rush into relationships, have children, split up and do it all over again these days.

I'm sure through 35 years of marriage, your friend and her husband have had their rough patches and worked through them.

I don’t think blended families on the whole are good or bad. As long as everyone is trying to make their situation work with the children’s physical and emotional needs met, I’m very much in the “you do you” camp.

I would find it a little off to be playing happy families with a new partner so quickly for no other reason than it must be confusing for young children.

DH and I are still together with two children (one pre-marriage) and I hope we stay together. However, if we were to break up and one/both of us move on to other relationships, I hope we would both make sure that our DDs are not caught up in it all.

I don't think it's 'snobby' either, not even smug from what you've posted, OP.

I think long marriages are a question of continued habit, being risk averse, contentment to compromise - and a bit of love and luck thrown in.

I think moving in a new partner quickly can do far more damage than the initial relationship break up and is undoubtedly the cause of much misery for children who have no choice. My friend left her partner, which was well overdue, but had a new bloke the following week - of course he was wonderful and the children adored him. Her children looked at me with the faces of hostage victims in a newspaper. I cooled the friendship, not because of the split but because I couldn't bear witnessing her children sacrificed on her 'true love' altar.

I have seen too many cases where the parents were too focused on their own feelings and rushed into new relationships which were not in the best interests of their children.

I wouldn't use the word 'snobby'. Depending on the conversation direction or her 'tone', maybe a bit 'smug married'.

I've been married 30+ years too. Some of it's been a damned hard road, no marriage is truly 'trouble free'. But our foundation was solid and neither of us has done anything truly unforgivable, like cheating or abuse of any kind. But that doesn't make me entitled to be smug or snobby. Just grateful.

I've seen many of my friend's and family's marriages fall by the wayside during my marriage as well as some that should have ended but didn't and both parties are miserable. Just because a marriage 'endures' doesn't mean it should or that everything is roses. No one knows what goes on inside a home once the front door is shut.

As far as 'new partners', well, why not? If both the (ex)parent's homes are loving and caring, who cares? The children in a loving blended family have a much better chance than those living in a 'traditional' home with unhappily married parents.

I don’t think she was being a snob at all. I agree, it is sad when marriages end especially when children are involved. I think you’re taking her comment far too personally.