To think this is a snobby view?

[MiaMarshmallows]

Friend has been married for 35 years and never divorced.
She said the other day ' I find it so depressing when I see photos of a couple with their children and then less than a year later, said couple have split and there's a new woman/man in place acting like a new family all being photographed together. '

Just got my back up a bit.

Agree with her. People split up, that happens, but it’s the ones who then rush to get together with new partners and set up home so fast, just makes me sad for the kids.

ps, and although I never dated anybody to the point where it became a successful ltr, so I can't really imagine, but I can't imagine wanting a photo of my kids and me and my fictional boyfriend! Me and the fictional boyfriend? a photo would be nice. And then separately, me and the DC.. But a random photo of me,my fictional bf and the DC!? I cannot imagine it!

@Number3BigCupOfTea

I voted YANBU but, like your friend, I wonder how people manage it. When I left my x with a baby and a 3 year old, it was just so traumatic, I was a basket case for 5 years tbh! Then I was focusing on getting back on my feet financially. I work ft now but practically and emotionally it's all been very challenging. I'm ok now, I'm not boohoo-ing but I do sometimes look up to the sky and quietly ask 'how?' when people leave a bad relationship and find somebody else within a year.

I just don't know how they do it. I did date a bit but they were all dreadful.

I'm curious as to why you voted YANBU then?

Another one who agrees with her. Marriages break up for all sorts of reasons, but a new partner introduced to the family within a year of their lives being turned upside down? In the vast majority of cases I don’t think that’s in the best interests of the child.

I’m also curious what you mean by it happened quickly and you were led by the kids? How old are they that they were able to lead and not the adults? Are they adults not kids?

I don't think it's snobby as such but it would certainly ruffle a few feathers should someone else hear he talk like that. I know what she means though, (some) people just seem to jump from one relationship to another and get pregnant or get someone pregnant within a couple of weeks then do the same over and over. You need time to get to know a partner before making any big decisions (in my opinion).

I think you need to look up "snobby" in the dictionary.

In general though I agree, so many people seem to lurch from one relationship to the next, playing happy families and having babies with each partner, then moving onto the next. Definitely not putting the needs of the children first.

If you was in said friends position you would have agreed with her. Its only because you are not that its got your back up. Snobbery doesn't come into it.

I think it's sad so many marriages don't work out. I'm devastated that mine didn't 3 years later, but he had an affair so no amount of hard work could have undone that.

I also think it's sad how many people rush new partners into their kid's homes so soon after their family unit falling apart. Which is why me and my partner won't be moving in together for the foreseeable future. He is moving closer to me and we will continue our relationship without involving my children, other than the odd weekend/holiday together. My happiness doesn't trump theirs.

If people spent the time to have a real hard look at their prospective partners' faults and how it may pan out, then maybe there wouldn't be so many break ups.

Firstly, people aren’t ‘lucky’ if their marriages last, it’s lots of work.

Secondly, I think you may be sensitive about your own situation which might fall into the category she was speaking of.

Thirdly, she’s right. Is is sad when families initially break down.

The responses on this thread are fairly uniform and come from a place of sincerity. Concern for the children comes across. The point about pacing the new relationship to suit the children is very practical advice. I agree with the spirit of the comments.

What I say though, is why then are posters on Mumsnet always urging wives to ltb , after first getting ducks in a row? I'm not talking about situations when there has been domestic violence; gambling addiction; infidelity but more problems around the practical assigning of chores and tactfulness which I would have thought would fall under the heading: 'Things which can be worked on' . Why is the advice to be found on MN "You're better off without them"?
.Also, MN seems to demonstrate that a lot of poor wives and partners are deserted for a new woman. People are often posting in distress and pain about infidelity. How can you work hard on a marriage when your partner is likely to give you STDs and is destroying your morale?

I think, but don't know, that some new partnerships end up as living together because it makes for a unit which can sustain the job-sharing and financial load of living. (I might be wrong. ) If a couple really do split and don't interact and chat, it can mean one parent struggling on not much money, struggling to find care for the kids when they are ill. Some parents have had two kids in the expectation that the marriage will last and what was planned for the kids will happen for them. If the ex, let's say ex husband , gets together with another who says "Your ex is expecting too much. We can't afford to.pay more" , then how can they keep things going? Nice if you're a well-paid lawyer with money for nannies. ( And I'm glad many mother's do have successful careers: good on them and thanks for their informed legal advice often given for free on this forum. But otherwise, not keeping two houses going, but sharing a house with a new partner must sound like a secure option.

. IMO , historically, utility bills, rent and mortgages have risen over the years to accommodate the reality of women and men both working full time. We won't return to the 50s, 60s and 70s when people like my parents lived on one full-time wage, had a gardener occasionally and home-help, when we kids were little. And my dad was a schoolteacher - not a big earner.

I think cementing the new partnership with a baby fairly speedily is something you can decide not to do and something which I think diverts existing resources from the older kids, and which maybe complicates things. Not a must to do this, I think. Kids are individuals and should be put first at all times.

Your friend was right, way too many children caught up in this situation.

It is not snobby and I agree with her. It is sad and depressing the way people throw away one relationship and start another almost immediately. People are entitled to have a different view from you.

@Diverseopinions

The responses on this thread are fairly uniform and come from a place of sincerity. Concern for the children comes across. The point about pacing the new relationship to suit the children is very practical advice. I agree with the spirit of the comments.

What I say though, is why then are posters on Mumsnet always urging wives to ltb , after first getting ducks in a row? I'm not talking about situations when there has been domestic violence; gambling addiction; infidelity but more problems around the practical assigning of chores and tactfulness which I would have thought would fall under the heading: 'Things which can be worked on' . Why is the advice to be found on MN "You're better off without them"?
.Also, MN seems to demonstrate that a lot of poor wives and partners are deserted for a new woman. People are often posting in distress and pain about infidelity. How can you work hard on a marriage when your partner is likely to give you STDs and is destroying your morale?

I think, but don't know, that some new partnerships end up as living together because it makes for a unit which can sustain the job-sharing and financial load of living. (I might be wrong. ) If a couple really do split and don't interact and chat, it can mean one parent struggling on not much money, struggling to find care for the kids when they are ill. Some parents have had two kids in the expectation that the marriage will last and what was planned for the kids will happen for them. If the ex, let's say ex husband , gets together with another who says "Your ex is expecting too much. We can't afford to.pay more" , then how can they keep things going? Nice if you're a well-paid lawyer with money for nannies. ( And I'm glad many mother's do have successful careers: good on them and thanks for their informed legal advice often given for free on this forum. But otherwise, not keeping two houses going, but sharing a house with a new partner must sound like a secure option.

. IMO , historically, utility bills, rent and mortgages have risen over the years to accommodate the reality of women and men both working full time. We won't return to the 50s, 60s and 70s when people like my parents lived on one full-time wage, had a gardener occasionally and home-help, when we kids were little. And my dad was a schoolteacher - not a big earner.

I think cementing the new partnership with a baby fairly speedily is something you can decide not to do and something which I think diverts existing resources from the older kids, and which maybe complicates things. Not a must to do this, I think. Kids are individuals and should be put first at all times.

I tend to get the feeling that the LTB posters are often posters who have done exactly that. I don't think many of the LTB posters are in successful marriages themselves.

Not sure it's snobbery but I just want to say imo it's not a bad thing that marriages don't last anymore.

I don't think people used to stay together because they knew how to work at a marriage. Mostly they stayed together because women had a lack of options so just put up with men's shite behaviour. Now we have our own careers, a better benefits system, less stigma so it's easier to leave an arsehole.

She has a point. Blended families only ever work brilliantly for the adults - and even with the best parents in thw

I have a FB friend whose marriage dissolved over SM. She clearly got bored of her H, went to the gym, got fir, picked up a BF, cheated for a while, dumped her H and moved the BF in. Followed by Father's Day pictures of the BF with her kids.

She may have been seeing the BF for ages but the H and children weren't. It was horrible. Sorry, it was. And massively too quick.

@MrsTulipTattsyrup

I think the depressing bit is the shoehorning of a new stepparent into a family so quickly. It can’t be good for the children.

Yes, this.

At first I thought “YANBU, that’s a snotty attitude to the positive phenomena of people being able to leave bad marriages without such handwringing guilt these days.”

However, PPs are correct that it’s decoupling, recoupling and including the new DP in family pictures - all within a year - that the friend of OP is criticising and she’s right that probably is not healthy for the DC. Too rapid by far.

Really can't figure out why you thought what she said was snobby ? It was just her opinion.

My mum turned down my dad's first proposal because it was way too soon.

He met her at the same time as my half siblings because they met through an event, but she did the right thing taking it slow. (I'm especially glad because if they'd gone to my dad's schedule, no doubt I wouldn't exist!)

I agree with your friend

I think that children need to spend time adjusting to their parents no longer being together before they are thrust into a new family setup.

People sometimes think that their children are happy when actually the children don't want to speak out because they want their parent to be happy. It happened to a friend of mine.

Of course it isn’t snobby. It’s just the truth. The negative impact of family breakdown on children’s well-being is a well-documented phenomenon.

Wow. The utter arrogance of some people that they "know" second families don't work is completely overwhelming, this is based on what, Disney? Such judgment. Let's hope you're never forced to spend to.e in your own sour heads.