To think this is a snobby view?

[MiaMarshmallows]

Friend has been married for 35 years and never divorced.
She said the other day ' I find it so depressing when I see photos of a couple with their children and then less than a year later, said couple have split and there's a new woman/man in place acting like a new family all being photographed together. '

Just got my back up a bit.

@Warrickdaviesasplates ..... As a child you're feeling pretty insecure in your family right after a divorce and emotions are running high with the adults so the kids often don't get to really speak up and be heard.

That's exactly what I was trying to say.

My kids are grown up now but this is all too often the narrative of many of their friends.

Yet I can clearly remember some of their parents bringing their new partners to school at pick-up time, and gushing about how immensely happy the children are about the brand new adult in their life, when the bed wasn't even cold from the parent who'd left.

I totally agree with her. Also, most of it isn't down to "luck."

It doesn't sound snobby. It's sad when relationships end, especially when children are involved, but it's often the right decision all around and better for the children.

It also does strike me a bit depressing how many people seem to bounce from one relationship straight into another and present the 'happy families' / 'look at my DP being the best daddy ever to my kids' view.

Nothing to do with snobby, but I think it's very selfish and insensitive when a new couple are so keen to normalise the destruction in their wake that they make the kids pose with them as a happy new blended family. I say this as someone with step sons (never been involved in a marital breakup though) and can say it takes years and a lot of sensitivity to make children happy with that outcome.

It isn't snobby, families of all sorts break up.
But honestly no adult forms a new relationship for the good of the children, it is to meet the adult's needs.
Pretending otherwise a delusional.

The rush to introduce/ impose new partners is a bit sad. I agree with the sentiment. It’s about the adult’s needs not the children.

I agree with the majority on here. Relationships do break up, sometimes that is out of our control and it is sad for everyone involved, even if it for the best.
The ones that have stayed together have been down to hard work amongst other factors.
People putting their own needs and happiness before the well-being of their children is the depressing thing. That may mean moving with things too quickly, it might mean prioritising the relationship with the new partner over ensuring continuity for the DCs.
I was a teacher for a long time (now training to be a counsellor) I thought I saw the biggest impact of divorce/blended family set ups in school with children and teens. Now, I am flabbergasted at the number of adults who still carry the burden of family breakdown years and years later. Yes, it is very, very sad.

It takes me sad, and I'm no stranger to marriage break up.

Snobby? Not quite sure that is the right word.

I also couldn't respect (and therefore wouldn't want a relationship with) anyone who felt they even had time for a new relationship so soon after the break-up of a marriage/family home.

That time should be set aside for their children and helping them to adjust to their new life upheaval.

Why is she assuming the relationships she sees won't last?

I'm not divorced (not married anywhere near 35 years though) and I don't like the comment much, although I can see how it might be innocent. You know her best; if you don't think she meant anything nasty by it, give her the benefit of the doubt.

She probably hit a nerve and you took the comment to heart....definately not a snobby comment at all

Is it snobby to have an opinion? Get a life.

She is absolutely right though. I'm sorry but your protestation about 'more love to go around' smacks of trying to convince yourself and others that it is the best for the kids.
All other things being equal, kids will be happier in a family where their own two parents are together, rather than a blended family. Note - I said all other things being equal.

@DrSbaitso

Why is she assuming the relationships she sees won't last?

I'm not divorced (not married anywhere near 35 years though) and I don't like the comment much, although I can see how it might be innocent. You know her best; if you don't think she meant anything nasty by it, give her the benefit of the doubt.

She hasn't said she assumed they wouldn't last.

The point is the adults are putting their own needs first, over their DC's needs to adjust to life with 2 separated parents.

It's not snobby.
When I was growing up it was the richer, more middle class families I knew who split up the most . As time has gone on it's moved across all sectors

I do think it's a bit sad tbh to be introducing a new partner into the family so soon tbh.

I very much doubt her marriage has lasted due to luck. It will be due to hard work, sacrifices, and good decision making.

It also implies that marriages break down due to bad luck. You know that's not the case.

I think you’re projecting your own insecurities, unless there’s more a drip feed other than that she’s been married for 35 years and never divorced?

For most scenarios, I think the demise of a relationship, especially when children are involved is sad. Even when I know it’s better in the long term. My parents are divorced and would have been miserable together, so I’m not against blended families.
I also think it’s sad when people have to feel like they have to fake it. So those family photos are taken and everyone looks happy but a year later they’re with someone else? Then those family photos weren’t actually that happy were they? I don’t see how either of those views are snobby, just a depressing thought.

@MiaMarshmallows

Just in the way that she has been lucky enough to have a marriage which has lasted but not everyone is as fortunate. Also, blended families can be very happy and children can benefit from it in terms of more love to go around. I just didn't like her tone. Everyone's circumstance is different and if love is found again, even if it is deemed too soon then why not just be happy for people.

There’s not much luck involved in a long marriage. There’s a lot of hard work, mutual tolerance and patience. Not to mention love.

@Mumblechum0

I also feel that a marriage which has lasted 30+ years is down to a lot more hard work than luck tbh.

Exactly this. Marriage is hard work, too many people aren't up for that now days and quickly jump ship if it gets tricky.

I agree with her view

No, it's not snobby. How weird to think it is.

It is depressing.

I agree with her. I have no issue with people splitting up with their long term partners, or with people entering into new relationships.

I do think it is a problem for people to be introducing new relationships to their children and playing "happy families" before the parent has had a chance to really get to know their new partner themselves.

It may work out okay in the end, but it is a big risk to introduce a new partner quickly.

I voted YANBU but, like your friend, I wonder how people manage it.
When I left my x with a baby and a 3 year old, it was just so traumatic, I was a basket case for 5 years tbh! Then I was focusing on getting back on my feet financially. I work ft now but practically and emotionally it's all been very challenging. I'm ok now, I'm not boohoo-ing but I do sometimes look up to the sky and quietly ask 'how?' when people leave a bad relationship and find somebody else within a year.

I just don't know how they do it. I did date a bit but they were all dreadful.

She's hit a nerve and you've taken it personally.
It's not snobbery at all. It is of course depressing and sad, especially for the children.
It doesn't mean all blended families don't work.