Friend keeps pretending about buying gift

[hellomom]

I just want to know if am being U being annoyed at this particular person, she has form for doing this a lot, prior to Xmas and birthdays, she'll send countless mssgs about what she's buying for me, can't wait to surprise me with a particular gift that I will truly love, even before I gave birth, went on and on about the things she is buying for my baby. Yet nothing was given.
I just had my birthday few days ago, prior to birthday she mssgd saying she can't wait for me to get my present, she finally has Amazon prime so can't wait to send something for my birthday.

Am not a child so really am not fussed about getting gifts, I really wouldn't care if she didn't give me a gift, although I have given her many gifts over the years, including a Pandora bracelet for Xmas being the most recent. Obvs I got nothing. But it's fine.

Anyways for my birthday she didn't send a present like she said she would when she couldn't stop going on about it, btw am not saying to her anything in regards to my birthday, or anything about any expectation from anyone in regards to gifts.
Am just really annoyed that she keeps essentially lying to me when there is no need! She wished me happy birthday dot on 12am, on our group chat, I then received gifts on the day via post from other members in our group chat, I thanked them on the group. She went very quiet and stopped mssging on the group.
Oh and before anyone wonders no one on the group mentioned my birthday or gifts prior to my actual birthday.

I feel like getting petty with her when it comes to her birthday and see how she feels!
Honestly there's just no need, don't lie! She's always done this and it's just extremely annoying and weird!!

I would just say to her you have decided as money is a bit tight with the baby growing up you won't buy gifts for each other.

I would just say to her you have decided as money is a bit tight with the baby growing up you won't buy gifts for each other.

But why would OP even need to say that? Friend doesn't give her anything anyway! Just stop giving OP.

Is she one of my SILs - she does this all the time. Multiple messages- what would you like, what would x like etc etc. She never buys anything. She's got quite serious narc tendencies and so its all about the attention on her and how wonderful she is for thinking about it, but she'd get no satisfaction from actually spending her (loadsa) money making the other person feel good, so she doesn't bother.
The few times someone has tried to bring this up, she goes on the attack about how they didn't tell her what they wanted so she had given up. Or her favourite- lost in the post. So many things lost in the post...

I forgot to say the way we dealt with it, was to say we wanted to stop all presents, as it just caused upset when one of us forgot and we're all so busy. That fucked her off as she wanted stuff but we held out.

I forgot to say the way we dealt with it, was to say we wanted to stop all presents, as it just caused upset when one of us forgot and we're all so busy. That fucked her off as she wanted stuff but we held out

I have a friend who does the same, she would always say she has an amazing present for me but then when we meet she's forgotten to bring it, it got broken, hasn't turned up etc. This happened multiple times and I used to get upset that I put thought into her presents and she just made excuses so I now do exactly the same to her and have fun thinking up excuses to give back to her

One thing that does

posted too soon

One thing that does bug me is she buys presents for another friend and always makes a big deal posting her giving the gift on Facebook. Another reason why I stopped spending money on her!

Just stop. Tell her if she asked you thought it's what she wanted.

@FangsForTheMemory

She probably thinks the thought is enough.

She thought about it. A lot.

I called someone out on this behaviour and this was their reply "but it's the thought that counts!". I explained that's not what the phrase means. That I was perfectly happy not having xyz, not having any expectations of gifts. But having someone tell me they've seen this amazing thing I'd love and they we're going to buy it for me because I deserved it, but they didn't have enough money so they didn't, was so disappointing. Or telling me they've decided to buy me xyz for a special occasion, me explaining my doubts about why that might not be a good idea, them convincing me I'm worrying about nothing and I should relax and go for it. Then me becoming convinced they're right and thanking them in advance for their great gift idea, only for no gift to materialize. And when I ask what happened, having them feed back to me all my reasons why it's a bad idea. It's incredibly hurtful and cruel.

I think it goes deeper than simple misunderstanding of a common phrase. It's not the harmless behaviour of someone a bit ditsy either. It's something else, something worse, something messed up.

I think it's about them getting approval/thanks/brownie points, or something else that makes them feel good, then having got what they wanted there's nothing to be gained by purchasing the gift. A kind of manipulative tactic to obtain goodwill. It destroys trust, causes totally unnecessary hurt on the part of the person who never gets their promised gift, and harms the relationship due to the annoyance and resentment it generates.

One of my friends(we will call her friend B, the one this happened to 2 years ago) from the group chat mssgd me privately asking did she send anything for my birthday. I told her obviously not.
Friend B messaged friend A acting like none the wiser, asked her what has she sent for my birthday.
Initially friend A ignored the mssg and later on replied saying she hasn't sent anything YET.

Also friend A sent a screen shot today on group chat showing her £115 purchase of makeup on Amazon prime I mean who even buys that much makeup from Amazon?? This is a person that very rarely wears makeup, in fact it's been yearss since I seen her in makeup, but whatever her money. Clearly isn't broke.

This reminds me of the time I was 9 months pregnant, had to take her shopping, as she's someone that gets very angry if you change or cancel plans, I actually had a fall that day too, she was there when I slipped and fell and yet still wanted me to drive her in to town, we went back and forth between 3 stores that are in complete different area to one another, a lot of walking distance for a 9 month pregnant woman. Honestly I think I kept my calm just to get the damn day over with. She spent £150 on a silly item without hesitation. And this was during the time when she made false promises about buying so much stuff for my unborn baby, we were in a particular store that had a massive sale on baby clothes, am talking £4-5, ted baker clothes significantly reduced to under a tenner. If she wasn't so self absorbed she could've bought something right then, she could've told me to wait elsewhere whilst she picks an outfit for baby, if she felt she didn't want me to see her buy from sale items. It's funny now that I think of it, she was actually trying to ignore anything baby related at the shops.

It's taken all these comments for me to realise how much of a selfish individual she is. I certainly won't be getting anymore gifts for her, who knows my petty side might come out in May

@PRsecrets - many delivery companies will come and pick up the parcel from your house, so pay online, print page to stick on parcel and someone collects it next day, costs about 50p extra and might help you? I've got a similar issue and found this really helps them actually get sent!

I went out with someone who used to do this, was always going to take me somewhere, treat me to something or go on about the wonderful gift he was going to get me. None of it ever happened. I worked out eventually that he was getting off on the thanks and admiration I was giving him when telling me this bullshit. He was getting strokes for talking up stuff that never happened. I was also too embarrassed to confront him about it as it seemed a bit grabby to ask for 'presents'. Of course he enjoyed all the stuff I did to 'reciprocate'. I look back now and see a needy fantasist.

@AmberItsACertainty, just seen that you have had the same experience. Agree it's a total manipulation.

With all your updates I reckon she definitely has issues.

Up to you whether you persevere, but given the issue with the shopping expedition, I'd expect you to already be no contact.

Her level of self-absorption is nothing to do with ADHD! (Just in defence of those of us who have suggested it).

I wouldn't be able to resist posting a pic of one of the real presents from other friends being used, with a caption like "Look, using it already! And thinking about how lucky I am to have such thoughtful friends xxxx"

It's not "petty" of you to not to buy for her birthday OP. She doesn't sound like a good friend tbh.

I've seen this behaviour before. Some people think if they say they are planning or have done something lovely for someone then it's happened.
At one point it worked, could've started by accident, parcel genuinely got lost. Now she can't drop the habit. Some people gain a habit of being late for work and will usually give the same excuse over and over.
You could point it out to her, or you could mirror her behaviour. Either way I wouldn't be buying her anymore presents.

I've family members like this; a sister in law who asks for my daughter's new address to send her a house warming gift, birthday and Christmas presents but then never sends anything. Why bother asking?

Urgh...she sounds like a narcissist 🤨

My mother used to do this all the time... used to tell all her friends her fancy plans for my birthdays and they never eventuated. She loved being thought of as such a generous soul. Tighter than a duck’s arse.!

who knows my petty side might come out in May

Not petty at all.

I’d be getting a fabulous gift bag and artfully stuffing tissue paper in it so that it shows out the top. I’d place a giant bow on top and hand it over with much ceremony. (Maybe going halves with the other friend who said the same thing.)

It's not petty to not buy a gift. I can't believe you've carried on buying your 'friend' gifts but after reading your 'traipse around the shops at 9-months story' I think you might just need a bit of support to get rid of this 'friend'. She sounds awful - you sound far too polite. Just send her a card wishing her happy birthday in May and leave it there. If she has the cheek to ask where her present is, just say that you didn't think you were doing presents any more. And leave it at that.

I'd stop buying her anything and if she ever raised it just say "I thought we weren't buying for each other since you didn't get me anything last birthday/Christmas etc"

I was tidying up my dresser yesterday and found a package that I forgot about, it had the Pandora charm that arrived late so I wasn't able to give it with the bracelet. My dh said I should keep the charm for myself so I proceeded to put it on to my bracelet, I keep chuckling Everytime I look at my wrist now 😆