Friend keeps pretending about buying gift

[hellomom]

I just want to know if am being U being annoyed at this particular person, she has form for doing this a lot, prior to Xmas and birthdays, she'll send countless mssgs about what she's buying for me, can't wait to surprise me with a particular gift that I will truly love, even before I gave birth, went on and on about the things she is buying for my baby. Yet nothing was given.
I just had my birthday few days ago, prior to birthday she mssgd saying she can't wait for me to get my present, she finally has Amazon prime so can't wait to send something for my birthday.

Am not a child so really am not fussed about getting gifts, I really wouldn't care if she didn't give me a gift, although I have given her many gifts over the years, including a Pandora bracelet for Xmas being the most recent. Obvs I got nothing. But it's fine.

Anyways for my birthday she didn't send a present like she said she would when she couldn't stop going on about it, btw am not saying to her anything in regards to my birthday, or anything about any expectation from anyone in regards to gifts.
Am just really annoyed that she keeps essentially lying to me when there is no need! She wished me happy birthday dot on 12am, on our group chat, I then received gifts on the day via post from other members in our group chat, I thanked them on the group. She went very quiet and stopped mssging on the group.
Oh and before anyone wonders no one on the group mentioned my birthday or gifts prior to my actual birthday.

I feel like getting petty with her when it comes to her birthday and see how she feels!
Honestly there's just no need, don't lie! She's always done this and it's just extremely annoying and weird!!

Interesting to read about the ADHD situation - that does make sense but I don't suppose that all these compulsive liars etc. also have ADHD, especially as the gifts are never forthcoming. At least, @PRsecrets, your gifts are there ready for whenever you do meet up with people!

It's such a strange thing to do - like performance friending, but then no follow through - maybe they're banking on you never publicly asking about the no-show, so that everyone will think what a great friend they are, not realising they haven't come through with the goods? Or maybe they are just compulsive liars. I went out with one of them once - for a few months - fucking nightmare. Gaslighting Central. I was very lucky that he "let me go" and hooked onto someone else.

So maybe you should publicly ask where the oh-so-specially-amazing gift is because you haven't received it yet? See how she reacts to that. And for heaven's sake stop buying anything for her!

I like the "grown ups" response from AWhisperWillDoIfThatsAllYouCan

Also the beautifully wrapped empty box and the "I liked the one you got me so much I thought I'd do the same for you." for her birthday, though that's a bit more sneaky.

Alternatively, next time she tries it, respond something like "Oh fantastic XX, I can't wait. Really. I remember everything you've ever sent me. I hope you get just as lucky."

You can get this clear ball.... its called a ball of nothing ... send her that and when she asks why she has a ball of nothing you can explain that it's exactly what she gets you.... but at least she has her nothing contained in one place and knows where it is

Why do you still want to be friends with a compulsive liar?

I don’t understand how you wouldn’t have asked her about it the first time, wouldn’t you have texted and said it hasn’t come so maybe it’s lost in the post or something? Really odd behaviour

YANBU. Stop getting her gifts. She must know she's doing this and it's very antisocial and unkind tbh. She's getting all the praise without delivering anything. Next time she promises something just say "it's ok friend, no need to honestly, a card is more than enough" then just send her cards.

Just ask her outright. Say why do you go on about buying me presents in advance of my baby, my birthday etc. ( which is weird in itself and tasteless-don’t say that to her!) and then not give me anything.

Just stay silent then and see what she says, maybe she will then stop.

I don't think confronting her is the answer for various reasons. She won't 'get it' and you will find yourself engaging and explaining that it's not about the presents themselves etc. Guarantee it will end up far more of a pain in the arse for you, with more promises, or gifts materialising that you don't want.

Or she is much more vulnerable than you realise and it will be inadvertently cruel.

Just ignore future promises, distance yourself from her and stop buying presents.

@PRsecrets

This is embarrassing to admit but I’ve done that before more than a few times.

But there’s a pile of wrapped presents in my study, unsent (just counted and it’s currently at 14 which include some Christmas presents for friends and friends’ baby birthday presents that I bought, gift wrapped and failed to send). There’s also a bigger pile of cards in envelopes that I can’t even reuse because they’ve already been written out but just not posted. The presents eventually get regifted after a couple of years of lying around in the house (unless I remember to give them to said friend when I see them in person but because of lockdowns this hasn’t happened - hence the bigger than usual pile).

Why do I do it? I guess the fun part is buying the present and wrapping it beautifully. Actually going to the post office and sending it feels is like trying to walk through quicksand (ADHD sucks). And so if I send the present, and on time (bonus) it’s a huge achievement for me.

Not saying this is your friends’ reason but just wanted to highlight that there could be many explanations for the same outcome of behaviour (being told there is a present for you and not receiving it). It’s pretty embarrassing behaviour but she might not necessarily be lying and might have gone quiet (like I do) because she’s embarrassed she didn’t send the gift on time and hasn’t still sent it.

Do you tell them? As in do you tell them you’ve bought them things, and do you also tell them that you’re unable to give them to them after?

I think if you don’t tell them there is a gift, or if you tell them after you cannot bring yourself to send them, it’s ok, but if you tell them snd then don’t explain why you never followed through, less so. I understand your issue, although I didn’t know adhd manifested itself like this, but it wouldn’t manifest it not being able to say “I’m sorry about the gift I promised I’m unable to send it to you due to my adhd”.

Yanbu

She’s one of those ‘it’s the thought that counts, so I thought about buying you something’

Stop buying her anything, if asked say ‘I thought we weren’t doing them anymore as you never buy anything. No biggie’

I had a friend like this, she went on and on about what she was getting me for a birthday, all sorts of questions about should it be this or that. Then on the day nothing, just a Facebook message. I’d really have been very happy with just a card! This after I’d made a huge fuss of her birthday, taken a day off to spend with her, bought an expensive present she cajoled and pressed me for, which I then had to exchange for something more expensive because she didn’t like it......
Anyway that was it, I distanced myself completely after that. No thanks.

My son’s father does this. Constantly telling him he’s bought him this and that and he’s going to give him money for Christmas and his birthday. I think the last time he gave him anything was about 2.5 years ago and I can’t remember before that. DS wouldn’t get upset if it weren’t for the lies. If his dad was just honest and said ‘I can’t afford it’ then fair enough but why get his hopes up?

I have a friend like this. Wedding present, christening and 40th, none appear. Thankfully we don't do normal birthday or Christmas. I just smile and nod these days. She does it to everyone. Annoying but decided to let it go.

Next time she says something along those lines just say ‘you know I don’t expect you to buy me a gift? I’m happy with just a card or a message on the day’

Stop getting her presents, if after her birthday in May, she asks "Where was my birthday present?" just respond with; "I thought we weren't doing presents anymore, as all the ones you've said you were getting for me never materialised".

Is she doing all the talking about presents in the group chat, and does she do it with others in the group? She either wants to look good in front of everyone, or is doing the exact same to them, or worse, is actually getting them presents and stringing you along.

@PRsecrets I've realised I have ADHD-inattentive after researching online. It's not worth me paying to get a diagnosis at my age, but I tick all the boxes. I told my close friends and a couple of them laughed out loud. I then explained in great detail about the different types of ADHD, and how it presents differently in females. About the tests I've done to confirm, and the one for partners that my DH also did, and so he would understand too. The penny finally dropped for them, so don't go quiet on them. When you next get a chance to tell them, tell them. And about the strategies you take to function. And about how lockdown has removed all the anchor points in your day to day life that you were relying on. Make them understand that you spend most of your life masking the effects, they'll get it.
Sorry for the derail, OP. I think I would just tell her you aren't going to do presents any more.

I have AdHD too. Im fairly useless at birthdays in that I would absolutely 100% forget them if I let myself forget them.

I am aware of this and so put lots of reminders in my Calendar for each tiny action (buy card, write in card, buy stamp, address card, post card). Its a lot of mental effort, far more than normal people, but I do it for those I love. Its very important to me that they don't feel like I have forgotten. I don't expect them to make allowances for something I can manage with a lot of effort. I don't expect them to think "Oh poor lamb, it must be so difficult for them to post a card". Why should they???!

What I DON'T do, is remember their birthday so much that I'm banging on about presents for weeks in advance! On the contrary, that's being extremely aware of the occasion coming up (I would not be if it were not in my phone from the year before) and doubling down on grand overblown plans.

That's the exact opposite of Adhd. That's just chronic grandiosity. There's nothing wrong with her memory or attentiveness. She remembers everything just fine!

She's just a liar who is constantly throwing out fishhooks to catch praise. Because you have to respond in some way, don't you?

From now on, just respond with a 👍. The most passive of all emojis. Don't give her the satisfaction of even a 🙂.

@hellomom

She's perfectly fine financially, she has zero outgoings, lives at her parents, no rent, no bills, no car payment, no phone payment either, she's on pay as you go and from what I know she buys some sort of £10 bundle which lasts the whole month.

I think one poster said it correct, she's a compulsive liar, that's exactly it. Has to be it. She actually has done this with another friend couple of years ago, where she gave a full list of what she's bought for this friend except gave her zilch when they saw each other.

I can already imagine the lies she would come up with if I ask about the Amazon package not arriving yet, perhaps stolen? She will use exactly that and say she sent it and must've gotten lost.

Her birthday is in May if anyone has suggestions

There's only one suggestion you should take on board and that is not to buy her anything. Send her a text to wish her a happy birthday - that's as much as she deserves. If she did have the neck to question if you bought her anything be straight and tell her you won't be buying gifts again as she has never reciprocated despite all her false promises.

Compulsive liar = completely awful self image. I'd recommend walking away or, if you genuinely value her getting very real. Telling her presents aren't important you want her to be happy but open with you. Take gifts out of all interactions with her. Chances are though she doesn't have the resilience for a true friendship and needs these lies to get through her day

Re her birthday, Next time she mentions your gift coming via Amazon, tell her you're going to do the same and order her gift via Amazon, but never do it

When her birthday's coming up, you can always go on and on and on about what "that thing she bought you that you loved so much" and make a big deal about asking where she bought it from, etc. Make sure she knows you're ordering her something from the same place, etc. Then let her know you're getting her the exact same thing.

@hellomom I’m completely puzzled by the concept of being good friends with someone you know to be a compulsive liar. You obviously like her well to be buying her expensive presents. How can you take anything she says at face value?

I’d certainly drop buying presents without any fanfare. When she next promises the moon is just reply with, ‘Really no need, a message is lovely and all I need for my birthday.’

I suspect she has more going on than you know about. I knew someone who was in vast debt because she had a compulsive shopping issue- all left unwrapped in her wardrobe. Very sad.

@justilou1

When her birthday's coming up, you can always go on and on and on about what "that thing she bought you that you loved so much" and make a big deal about asking where she bought it from, etc. Make sure she knows you're ordering her something from the same place, etc. Then let her know you're getting her the exact same thing.

Then order it for yourself

I know someone like this, she’s very narcissistic. For her it’s all about the recognition without putting in any of the thought, effort or actually spending any of her money on others (tight as a badgers arse!)

Full of promises that never materialise, with it either never being mentioned again or giving some far fetched story as why there’s no gift /card.
Often asking what you want then completely ignoring your request and giving something unsuitable whilst declaring “you’re so hard to buy for” I don’t know what you like, despite me stating eleventy billion times “ I don’t watch dvds and don’t have a DVD player!
or completely ignoring special occasions altogether.

All the while you were supposed to show your complete gratitude and tell her what a great and thoughtful person she was!

And god forbid if she thought you’d forgotten her birthday, I’d messaged asking if I could pop over with her presents, no response. She continued to be very short with me. I couldn’t understand it.

Turned out she hadn’t received my messages and thought I’d ignored her birthday!

No longer in contact now!

Even aside from the gifting I could respect someone like this OP so the friendship wouldn't last. She's a liar.