Friend keeps pretending about buying gift

[hellomom]

I just want to know if am being U being annoyed at this particular person, she has form for doing this a lot, prior to Xmas and birthdays, she'll send countless mssgs about what she's buying for me, can't wait to surprise me with a particular gift that I will truly love, even before I gave birth, went on and on about the things she is buying for my baby. Yet nothing was given.
I just had my birthday few days ago, prior to birthday she mssgd saying she can't wait for me to get my present, she finally has Amazon prime so can't wait to send something for my birthday.

Am not a child so really am not fussed about getting gifts, I really wouldn't care if she didn't give me a gift, although I have given her many gifts over the years, including a Pandora bracelet for Xmas being the most recent. Obvs I got nothing. But it's fine.

Anyways for my birthday she didn't send a present like she said she would when she couldn't stop going on about it, btw am not saying to her anything in regards to my birthday, or anything about any expectation from anyone in regards to gifts.
Am just really annoyed that she keeps essentially lying to me when there is no need! She wished me happy birthday dot on 12am, on our group chat, I then received gifts on the day via post from other members in our group chat, I thanked them on the group. She went very quiet and stopped mssging on the group.
Oh and before anyone wonders no one on the group mentioned my birthday or gifts prior to my actual birthday.

I feel like getting petty with her when it comes to her birthday and see how she feels!
Honestly there's just no need, don't lie! She's always done this and it's just extremely annoying and weird!!

@Chimoia

I'd ask 'why do you always go on about presents but not give me anything, I find it odd and I don't want to be part of this game any more.'

No you wouldn’t. Why do people on here suggest people say things they would never say themselves in real life?

For example if someone doesn’t buy me a gift, and doesn’t tell me they will, I’m not bothered. Our relationship hasn’t changed at all. I don’t expect gifts.

Whereas if someone acts like they have got me a gift but haven’t, it makes me wonder have I done something wrong to make them change their mind, does she like X (who she gave a present) more than me, is our friendship one sided etc

No you wouldn’t. Why do people on here suggest people say things they would never say themselves in real life?

Chimoia's suggestion sounds like a very reasonable thing to say, to me.

Why not call her out? When she tells you she can't wait to give you something, say something like "That's strange, that's what you said in November about my Christmas present and we're both still waiting".

You could match her enthusiasm. As your birthday approaches, keep going on and on about how excited you are about the thing she’s buying you. Count down the days, getting more excited each day.

Why don’t you ask her in the WhatsAp group? Let her know you’re concerned because she mentioned she had sent you a gift via Amazon Prime but nothing has arrived and you’d hate for her to be charged for something that was lost in transit.

I had a similar situation with a friend...birthday and Christmas presents talked about but never received. Like you, I was annoyed by the lies. In the end I asked her if she had actually sent them. Turned out she had my address slightly wrong and they had all been sent to a house down the road. Went and collected them- I had been annoyed because I thought she had been lying and she had been annoyed I had never thanked her for the gifts she sent 😂

Are you sure she has the right address?

@PRsecrets

This is embarrassing to admit but I’ve done that before more than a few times.

But there’s a pile of wrapped presents in my study, unsent (just counted and it’s currently at 14 which include some Christmas presents for friends and friends’ baby birthday presents that I bought, gift wrapped and failed to send). There’s also a bigger pile of cards in envelopes that I can’t even reuse because they’ve already been written out but just not posted. The presents eventually get regifted after a couple of years of lying around in the house (unless I remember to give them to said friend when I see them in person but because of lockdowns this hasn’t happened - hence the bigger than usual pile).

Why do I do it? I guess the fun part is buying the present and wrapping it beautifully. Actually going to the post office and sending it feels is like trying to walk through quicksand (ADHD sucks). And so if I send the present, and on time (bonus) it’s a huge achievement for me.

Not saying this is your friends’ reason but just wanted to highlight that there could be many explanations for the same outcome of behaviour (being told there is a present for you and not receiving it). It’s pretty embarrassing behaviour but she might not necessarily be lying and might have gone quiet (like I do) because she’s embarrassed she didn’t send the gift on time and hasn’t still sent it.

So what you're saying is, you get the joy and thrill out of buying them, but just can't be fucked with sending them off? So the only person who gets anything out of it is you?

Mental health issues. I’ve come across this type of thing a few times. Weird senseless lying. It’s usually men. I had a boyfriend who went on and on about a Christmas gift that he was bringing over that night. I panicked as hadn’t bought him anything and dashed to the shops. He then turned up empty handed saying he’d been mugged for the gift at the local pub before arrival 😂. Same guy told me he’d been impaled on railings and yet didn’t have a blemish on his body. Fantasists. I wouldn’t engage with her tbh and definitely wouldn’t gift her.

On her birthday I just wouldn’t get her a gift and look surprised if she mentions it and say that you thought you weren’t doing gifts anymore or that you’d been thoughtless and should’ve realised after your last few birthdays that she didn’t want to do gifts anymore!

Interesting about the ADHD comment, I have it too, and also, until recently, had a big cupboard of unsent presents. Including baby gifts for children who are now at primary school.

It is mortifying, but I have never pre-empted and told the recipient to expect anything.

My closest friends have been known to get a box of lovely presents once a year, or random number of months, because I finally put them all in together, and just say “I’m sorry, I’m crap, but I did actually buy these at Christmas and your birthday” etc. Which they know because the present from Christmas will be in Christmas paper and slightly tatty corners...

Now I just buy dinner, spa whatever, and card and flowers. It’s far less stressful.

I’m not sure if this is what she’s dealing with, but she’s not doing herself any favours by announcing a grand reveal with nothing to show for it!

@PRsecrets I can assure you that acknowledging a birthday via a text/social media post is perfectly socially acceptable. You don’t have to go out of your way to present them with a gift, I promise you that’s enough. I think the above suggestion of days out might help take the pressure off you if you do want to give a gift. Or perhaps a digital gift card that you can give there and then.

@PRsecrets

So what you're saying is, you get the joy and thrill out of buying them, but just can't be fucked with sending them off? So the only person who gets anything out of it is you?

Maybe read up on how ADHD works and managing life with a dopamine deficiency? So yes - I get a dopamine hit from thinking of what to get my friend, choosing the present, and wrapping it. I don’t get any dopamine (unlike neurotypical people) from posting the gift- which makes it an incredibly difficult task to accomplish.

Not ideal but actually I don’t get anything tangible out of it either - except made poorer. Because the only reason I get so much joy from choosing gifts is because I know my friend will like the gift so that joy is incredibly short lived and turns to guilt and anxiety when they don’t get to enjoy that gift at my own doing. That’s why adhd is often comorbid with mental health conditions such as depression and anxiety. The guilt is all consuming.

Thing is, in your first post you never said you had ADHD so you can't expect people to have sympathy.

@PRsecrets no worries! Thanks for taking the time to post an interesting, alternative perspective. Definitely opened my eyes. There’s a good chance something similar was going on with my ex-mate so I’m not as hurt.

My sister does this. She is actually a pathological liar & will lie about literally anything for the stupidest reasons. Its horrible growing up with somebody like this. When I had kids she became a Disney aunt to them, promised the world, but nothing ever materialised. We're NC now. (Different reasons).

Interesting to hear the PP comments about having ADHD & doing this. I have ADHD too & find getting organised & buying presents very difficult, but I would never tell anyone I bought something only to let them down because I know how hurtful & annoying this is.

My kids & their dad have ASD (I am also awaiting diagnosis) & they don't ever even talk about birthday, Christmas presents etc, let alone buy one. Even a card. This also drove me nuts, but I'm used to it now. Goes to show how different we all are, even with same diagnosis.

Please please say something to her, it doesn't need to be rude at all but just gently say that the gift she told you about didn't turn up. And then please let us know what she says.

Have you posted about this before under a different username? It sounds so familiar.

Did she talk about the present to you on the group chat? If she did, you could say you hadn’t received it in the chat and we’re wondering if it had got lost in the post.

If she mentions gift buying do not respond. Pretend she hasn’t spoken.

Also stop buying her gifts

Jeez, the doormat behaviour I witness on MN is a sight to behold.

After this had happened twice to me, that’d be it. No more presents for her. No drama, no big deal, just not a friendship where we exchange presents.

Why do you keep buying for her?? I bet you have a million, ‘oh, but she’s a really good friend’ reasons. In which case, fine. Carry on being a mug.