AIBU to wonder why men are so angry

[Moanranger]

Having read a Marina Hyde column in the Guardian about being followed & harassed by an angry man, plus my own recent experience with anger from a male stranger, I am asking this.
Where does this male anger come from? Drugs/meth? Steroid use? Just what?
My own recent experience was a road rage incident. I honked my horn at some boy racer (car with spoilers, low slung) speeding on my narrow, windy, busy lane. He screeches to a halt, jumps out of his car, then turns car around & follows me back to my drive, jumps out again & shouts “I know where you live, c**t”
Such anger over nothing, but v similar to Marina’s incident. This is a key issue, huge problem with male rage & toxic masculinity.

@Donotfeedthebears

My theory is that historically, men have gone to war to fight and all that aggression was channelled into killing your enemy but we don’t have wars on the same scale any more.

But even in those times, a lot of the "fighting" in wars was spent beating up unnarmed civilians, raping women etc. The idea that the agression was needed for something more "noble" is bollocks (I am not saying you were suggesting that, its just a theme I have seen when men try to explain why they are the way they are. And dont get me started on "chivalry".)

@MrsTerryPratchett

They're not allowed to be sad, worried, anxious, calm, empathetic or any other 'feminine' emotions. When you squeeze any emotion hard enough, it becomes anger.

Which is why we should be raising boys to cry, worry and hug. And stop encouraging anger to form.

Absolutely agree with this.

The mother theory rings true to me

A lot of men seem to see women’s rights as taking something away from men rather than giving something to women. They feel that if women get equality, men will lose something in return and it makes them angry.

This has mileage. I suspect it's similar to the [depressing] responses to discussions over the past year about racial privilege. About the fact that said privilege is invisible, or that someone happens to be economically underprivileged and thinks it amounts to the same thing. But the overwhelming reaction is denial, and white people talking over POC as to what racism really does entail.

In some senses people may genuinely not be aware that they possess such privilege. Once they do become aware, they sometimes don't want to give it up.

The PP comment that if you squeeze any emotion hard enough it becomes anger is very insightful. We (specifically women) are also taught to repress our anger rather than finding a safe outlet for it, because it's deemed to be socially unacceptable.

Really good answers, and I agree that most of them play a part.
Testosterone does (and no, I'm not suggesting castrating men, this is merely an observation!) Play a part, we castrate male animals to reduce aggressive behaviour, you're advised to do so in a lot of cases, especially where training has failed and aggression continues. So it follows that testosterone must have a role in aggression somewhere.
But a lot of it I think is societal. As others have said, making all emotions except anger undesirable, especially in men.
Part of it too is that it's accepted that the way to deal with it is to not 'provoke' an anger response, rather than the person being 'provoked' expected to control their anger or expressing another emotion.
I shared a story on here where when confronted by a man getting angry for me saying no, the answer from the police was to tell me to ignore the reaction, not respond, remove myself, not be there to be approached in the first place, rather than the aggressor being told their actions were unacceptable.
When that keeps happening, both men and women see male aggression as something that will just happen, and that it's up to women to not 'provoke' the anger rather than men to deal with it reasonably.

The other thing I think plays a part is that until maybe 30 years ago, young men were valued for their energy and physical strength. It gave a clear route for those who weren't academic or artistic etc.

As tech automation advances, there are fewer physical jobs that value those qualities. Lots of young men either can't see their place in society or they try to fit into a role that doesn't suit them and get frustrated and angry. Add women earning more than them into the mix, plus their natural confrontational, risk-taking tendancies and it can all get a bit explosive.

First can I just pop a couple of disclaimers here OP as I'll wager you will have an onslaught of posters pop along shortly to not comment or discuss any other posts here, but just to make these points -

1. NAMALT. I think we can all agree. But just in case, NAMALT.
2. Male anger affects other men. Absolutely it does, definitely. So addressing male violence, aggression and anger can only benefit us all.

xxxxxxxxd

Ok, so back to the thread. I agree with MrsTerryP here ...

They're not allowed to be sad, worried, anxious, calm, empathetic or any other 'feminine' emotions. When you squeeze any emotion hard enough, it becomes anger.

Which is why we should be raising boys to cry, worry and hug. And stop encouraging anger to form.

///// I also think that many men who carry this anger will find its easier to unload it onto a woman. Biologically they know they have less (not no, for the same reason as first two points) chance of getting a broken nose in return.

As an example during early lockdown I went to Asda wearing a mask before they were compulsory. This action didn't hurt anyone however I walked past a young man who snickered at me, said "Stupid Fucking Bitch" and laughed with his mate. I was a complete strange minding my own business.

But just to clarify - NAMALT and men hurt men too.

They're not allowed to be sad, worried, anxious, calm, empathetic or any other 'feminine' emotions. When you squeeze any emotion hard enough, it becomes anger.

Which is why we should be raising boys to cry, worry and hug. And stop encouraging anger to form.

A lot of men seem to see women’s rights as taking something away from men rather than giving something to women. They feel that if women get equality, men will lose something in return and it makes them angry.

//// Yes

I don't know what happened in my first post ...I reckon my IPad thought it was worth repeating

Well on behalf of the more decent members of my sex (I won't say normal lol), I apologise that you've had to deal with these evolutionary throwback morons.

We hate these knuckle dragging fools just as much as you do, trust me!

I seem to have spent a lot of time lately pulling other men up on shitty behavior towards women as have a lot of my friends.

One of my friends saw a guy getting a kicking because another man overheard him calling a woman a c**t because of a parking dispute. Possibly a massive over reaction but none of us were there. Those of us that are actually not massive buttheads DO slap them down when we see them.

@Mintjulia

The other thing I think plays a part is that until maybe 30 years ago, young men were valued for their energy and physical strength. It gave a clear route for those who weren't academic or artistic etc.

As tech automation advances, there are fewer physical jobs that value those qualities. Lots of young men either can't see their place in society or they try to fit into a role that doesn't suit them and get frustrated and angry. Add women earning more than them into the mix, plus their natural confrontational, risk-taking tendancies and it can all get a bit explosive.

Absolutely correct.

For example, coal mining was a filthy, dangerous job. BUT it was heavily unionised and relatively well paid. A miner with no qualifications could earn well and provide for his family by physically working hard which gave him self-respect and a status in his local community.

Today, that miner’s grandson probably works in a warehouse or a crappy dead-end service job earning minimum wage and lacking status & self-respect. The potential for frustration, anger and aggression is obvious.

@MysweetAudrina

Testosterone plays a role probably

It's a myth that testosterone makes people angry. It makes them confident; this I know from personal experience. If they're inherently angry it makes them confident in their anger.

There are many angry women but in my experience they tend to be much less confident in expressing it publicly, making them appear less aggressive.

Are they angrier than women? Or do physical differences and maybe social structures mean the anger has a bigger impact. Im often thoroughly pissed off but combined with scared (of authority of individuals)

Some men are cowardly and they go after people where they think the interaction will be one where they guarantee to dominate. So they shout at someone who is potentially physically unlikely to batter them in the street in response.

I think this plays a role.

I think it's partly women less likely to answer back or be a phycial threat and partly some idea that have the right to police all womens' behavior.

These angry men might think twice about intimidating women if we were allowed pepper spray in this country for self defence.

@Vegeetas

Well on behalf of the more decent members of my sex (I won't say normal lol), I apologise that you've had to deal with these evolutionary throwback morons.

We hate these knuckle dragging fools just as much as you do, trust me!

I seem to have spent a lot of time lately pulling other men up on shitty behavior towards women as have a lot of my friends.

One of my friends saw a guy getting a kicking because another man overheard him calling a woman a c**t because of a parking dispute. Possibly a massive over reaction but none of us were there. Those of us that are actually not massive buttheads DO slap them down when we see them.

I do hope you're friend was able to report the aggressor (the one giving the kicking) to the police!!

He asked the woman if she was alright and if she wanted the police called and she started to swear at him because he interupted the kicking so he just walked away.

When I say slap down, I do mean in a verbal manner. Trying to use violence against a caveman is normally pointless plus in my own case, I hate fighting.

@Lanadelsugarray

Entitlement and fear of losing privilege are two of many reasons. Frustrations with women in their own personal lives that they need to take out on others. Lack of resilience/inability to deal with rejection. And of course, some just bloody enjoy it.

I fear that when male privilege and entitlement is slowly broken down the violence and crimes against women will just increase.

@MrsTerryPratchett

They're not allowed to be sad, worried, anxious, calm, empathetic or any other 'feminine' emotions. When you squeeze any emotion hard enough, it becomes anger.

Which is why we should be raising boys to cry, worry and hug. And stop encouraging anger to form.

Agreed

Its totally irrational ive been screamed at on an island because a man five cars back from the exit i had just taken decided I hadn't used my indicators i had made my turn and clicked them off by them it wasn't my fault he was in a huge queue i let someone turn into the road before pulling out of the junction he slams on his breaks telling me move you cunt im assuming if I had pulled out he would have screamed at me for that too I got pursued by a van right on my bumper who then overtook me on an island and cut me up all the time screaming and beeping at me and ive no idea why I was just driving normally and he nearly killed me and someone else for no fucking reason all me all furious

@sunflowersandbuttercups

If you suppress negative emotions for long enough, they're going to come out as anger.

I read so many things online (both on here and on other sites) where boys are laughed at for crying - they're called crybabies, or told "big boys don't cry". As they go into their teen years it becomes "oh, just man up".

Showing vulnerability is considering weak, and men who are seen to be weak are, sadly, targets for male aggression.

Yep

I don't think it's just men. 2 of my sisters are nightmares on the road they have such road rage.

I do believe it's a male problem but also driving makes some people crazy. I have remonstrated with drivers before and nearly always regretted it, been chased, had people get out and come up to my window when we've stopped at lights, tried to open my door! I just try and let everything slide now for a quiet life.

If someone is following you and is angry with you then don't go home, if you can do it safely then call 999 and they'll tell you what to do

Sounds like a horrible experience but glad you weren't hurt. Cameras at home sounds like a good idea

Can't really provide any explanation why a man would act this way, I'm not an aggressive person at all and am often flummoxed at that kind of anger

It's entitlement pure and simple. How that plays out - fear of losing things, anger etc, may vary, but it ultimately comes down to this ingrained belief, encouraged by our society, that men have the right to do, say, think, feel etc what they like and NOT take others into consideration. And as a result, when they are challenged by someone they perceive as weaker/lesser, they respond negatively.

A really good and easy example of this is this idea that if a man greets a woman with a cheery, "cheer up love" he thinks that a) it's his right to comment on the (perceived) mood of a strange woman and b) he then takes it personally if she chooses to ignore him or tell him to get stuffed. Because his basic viewpoint is that he has the right to say or do whatever he likes.

I don't know about just men. My mother was a violent bully. She didn't seem to need an excuse. When I came back to the UK to live on my grandparents farm at the age of 14 it was like being taken to the promised land.