to be hurt and v angry with my husband for his "kind" offer?

[curlywurlywee]

My husband and I have had problems for a couple of years now culminating in nearly splitting up in May. He is a very difficult man to live with and has made my life hell on occasions over the years. As a result of these problems, I have not really wanted to have sex with him. The last time we did it was about 3 months ago and he has obviously been stewing on it because last night he dropped what for me was a bombshell. He kindly offered to go and have an affair so that he could get sex and this would do me a favour and let me off the hook. I have tried to explain to him that I need to build trust in him after what happened six months ago and that I needed time to get over it. Maybe this is wrong of me? I was deeply hurt by his suggestion, especially considering that my ex-husband was a serial adulterer. I expected him to be a bit sensitive to that. The end result is that I now seriously don't want to have sex with him. Don't know what to do. Am I being unreasonable or is he or both of us?

curly, i guess a lot of this depends on what happened six months ago. Giving him the benifit of the doubt here, so playing devils advocate. Perhaps he really wants your sex life to get back on track and was trying shock tactics?? Men can be pretty dense sometimes (so can women) about communicating.

Why is there a trust issue? How long have you been together? Do you want things to work with this man or are you staying with him because you are scared of being alone?

To be totally honest, whilst sex shouldnt be the be all and end all in a relationship, it is pretty bloody pivotal. It is about intimacy and loving as well as orgasms and bump and grind. I find that my partner and i get on much better when the sex life is good, of course the sex life is better when we are getting on better, iykwim.

Is it that you just dont WANT to have sex with him, or is it that he has hurt you in the past and you feel you CANT? I often dont feel like sex because im knacered, but that is different to not wanting it.

I dont think you are being unreasonable, and if your DH is seriously considering this then i think he needs to be shown the door. If it was just shock tactics, then he is a dickhead but maybe it would be worth entering into negotiations, as it were. At the end of the day, do YOU really want to be in a sexless relationship?

Message withdrawn

Got tied up yesterday and not able to reply. DDT I think you're right. I am actually unable to have sex with him and am not withholding it as a weapon as some have suggested - if only it were that easy. I am not great around sex at the best of times, due to some stuff from my past. I just can't stomach it because I am so angry with how he's treated me and I can't get past it. If I could happily have sex with him tonight, I would, but I can't do it because I feel like I'm being raped. What a mess. I've got a real anger problem now and I never used to have. I've got a daughter from my first marriage who is a teenager and also a 4 year old with my husband. I feel so trapped but also would love to sort things out if I could but don't know where to start. The more he goes on about sex the more I'm turned off because he's told me that the sex we have had wasn't very good because I wasn't involved enough. He bought me some really kinky Ann Summers stuff recently, which really upset me. How can he expect me to wear stuff like that when we don't even have a normal sex life. God I sound like a prude and I never used to be. I don't think I'm ever going to have sex again. I feel bloody terrible and injured by it all.

curly, just wanted to send you my support. Apart from the sex, how is your relationship, or is it too difficult to separate?

It's not that good. He is a very controlling man although he is making big efforts to put things right. I mostly tread on egg shells every day and have to constantly second guess what might upset him and here I'm talking about pretty small things like replacing toilet rolls etc. He has been really upset with me because we've run out of milk or bread on the odd occasion. I am at him so should never run out of anything. One year, I bought him a lovely child's book about Father's for Father's Day and he threw it back at me saying why did I buy him a child's book? I didn't spend enought money on it and didn't think about what he wanted. Last Xmas I accidentally left an invoice from Amazon on the table which was a present for him. To add insult to injury his wrapped Xmas presents were left on the stairs when he came in from work (he knew what they were anyway). He told me I'd ruined Xmas for him. I'm not allowed to buy anything, however small, for the house, although he has relaxed on this one a bit. This is only a taster of what has been going on and I feel as I've been systematically taken apart. I know that no matter how long I live, I could never be what he wants me to be. All these events have chipped away at my feelings for him and my anger is out of control. I don't know what to do. Don't want to be twice divorced.

Doing school run now. Will come back on later. Thanks all.

curly, I really feel for you, you sound so upset and unhappy. I though the 'witholding sex' type comments were pretty off TBH, I would generally assume that lack of sex in a relationship would be to do with some sort of problem before I thought 'oh they might be using sex as a weapon'
If your husband has critised you sexually especially if he knows you have had an unhappy past sex like no wonder your not wanting to jump into bed with him! He does sound very insensitive to you.
You don't have to answer this obviously but if there are DV type problems in the relationship (totally sorry if I'm way off the mark)please get some help to get out.

you may well not WANT to be twice divorced, however, you have one life and this man sounds like he is draining yours of love, affection, understanding etc.

i truly feel you must look now to YOUR happiness, you ARE entlited to a happy, secure and EQUAL marriage, and that includes a loving sex life.

in a happy marriage no-one should be expected to 'perform' and no amount of cheap underwear is going to make you feel sexy if you do not also feel loved and valued.

you MUST talk to your dp and tell him just how you feel, it is only fair to give him one more chance!

Curly, this man has got problems, serious problems. He sounds like a bully, i always try to see the other side of the story, because i hate men bashing (because on the whole i think men are great) but he is abusing you. No wonder you dont want to have sex with him, im sorry but he is just using sex as another stick to beat you with. What you said about the fathers day book made me want to cry. Only you can say if you want to be with this man or not, but if your only reason for staying is because you dont want to be twice divorced then i think you have your answer. Honestly, i know this sounds harsh but do you really want your DD? to grow up to think that men can control women in such spiteful manner, who's to say he wont be the same with her, the fathers day present indicates he is likely to be.

You tell him, HE either gets HIS act together, agrees to more counselling and is HONEST (maybe he is insecure??) and makes actual steps towards an equal and loving relationship, or he is out the door.

skeletonbones (um, halloween is over now luv ) made a good point about DV, but remember, you dont have to be physically hit to be a victim of domsetic abuse/violence.

just to finish (posted a bit previous!)
his next chance should be his last one, lucyellnsmum is spot on, he sounds a bully!!!

wtf do you mean, you are 'not allowed' to buy anything for the house? that says so much about your relationship, it sounds like he has total control! NOT HEALTHY!!!

Curly... are you the one I know or a different one? (My response will probably vary iyswim!!)

Missed your last post about your husbands control issues while I was typing out my last one sorry. as lucyells said Dv doesn't have to mean being hit/punched/kicked. My ex never hit me once but he was still domestically abusive and I lived in fear of him for a long time. Unless he is prepared to see he has a problem and really want to change his ways you will be trapped in a really unhappy situation, being divorced twice but on your own and happy is better than that surely?

Curly - he sounds very similar to my ex husband. He has ground you down and drained you and you are understandably very unhappy.

I am twice divorced - I wish I wasn't but at the same time, I'm bloody glad I'm not still married to either of them. I am now with an incredibly supportive partner (after having some me time and some counselling for "issues" from my past)

Life is far too short to waste on nasty pieces of work like this and, at the risk of sounding like Jeremy Kyle, your dc's don't need to see that this kind of behaviour is ok to accept..

Thanks so much for all your supportive messages, they've really helped me to look at the whole situation.

He was made aware by the Relate counsellor that his behaviour was abusive and he has made big efforts to curb it and he is better. However, maybe it's my problem that I can't forget it. It's almost like I'm conditioned to react badly and fearfully every time he criticises me even in a small way because I'm terrified he's going back to storing things up against me without my knowledge and then metaphorically bashing me over the head with them a few months later. It's almost like Post Traumatic stuff, even though I sound a bit dramatic. I feel like my personality has changed and I am not the person I was before. I never felt this angry before.

Flame, I'm not the other curly by the way.

TillyScoutsMum thanks for your post, it was very encouraging, although I think that after being married to a serial adulterer once and a control freak after, I don't think I want to go near another man as long as I live! Did you feel like this? How do you trust anyone again?

Curly, I can relate to a lot of what you have said, my dh has bipolar issues which we are controling through medication, but the way he treated me was very similar to what you have explained. my councellor told me that I WAS suffering from Post Traumatic Stress.. so dont take it lightly. even if your dh does not want to go to relate or any kind of councellor you should.

my father is in this way controlling...

you need to get out for your mental health. walking on egg-shells is not healthy fo ryou or your children.

be strong...

the whole 'well he's trying to be better' thing does my head in. my mother tells me that after every arguement, after every verbal absue she gets.

you need to ask him to leave and get himself sorted out.

speak to your local women's refuge for help and support.

good luck!

BritTex I'm very interested to hear what you are saying about the Post Traumatic stuff. How did you feel? How did it manifest itself? Were you incredibly angry? Would be grateful if you could explain a bit more if you want to of course.

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DDT you are so right. I don't want to lie on my death bed and regret half of my life. It's so hard. My first divorce was hell and I can't face going through that again. We nearly split up in May and he threatened all sorts of things - I just couldn't take it. I don't feel strong enough. Don't want to put my teenager through it again. I've been trying to keep things relatively stable for her to make up for her still philandering father.

Curly, i will have to post later - got to go on the school run and football afterwards.

hi Curly, as you know from your first divorce it is difficult at first, but if the only reason you are staying is what he will threaten/do if you leave, your going to live the rest of your life with this fear and not be free of it.

I tried to leave my ex several times and caved in when the threats got too bad each time. He threatened all sorts, that he would turn all my family and friends against me, that he would beat up family members/go round and tell them everything I'd ever said bad about them (because you do trust your partner with things dont you 'oh my sister is driving me mad with her drama queen ways or whatever)he also phoned me and said I was an evil bitch who would rot in hell and he was going to slit his throat and it would all be my fault and that my kids would take revenge on me when they were older for 'what I'd done' I took his threat seriously and phoned and ambulance and guess what they found when they got there? my ex sat on his fat arse watching the racing and having a fag, he was totally embarrased by the ambulance turning up and admitted that he'd only said it to mess with my head, didn't try that one again though!
Anyway after a while he packed in with the threats ect because they wern't working, he didn't have any power over me anymore,I'm not one bit afraid of him now years later because i can see him for the pathetic loser he is.
I really hope you find some strength to change your life so that you can be happy, trite as it is, i'm thankfull every day that I left my abusive relationship and i'm not that terrified beaten down woman anymore.

Curly, I have been reading this thread & you keep referring to 'may'. If you don't mind me asking you, what happened at this time to be such a reference point?

Curly

It is really hard to trust again. A bit like you, I married 2 men who were both, in their own ways, complete b*stards.

I don't want to go into too much but I basically had issues from my past which made me feel worthless and almost like I didn't deserve to be happy. It was almost like I was choosing bad men because that's what I thought I deserved. Its fair to say I had a pretty f*cked up childhood and have only come to terms with things the last couple of years.

I put with years of hell from my ex - he too was a complete control freak and an adulterer. I finally "saw the light" when an 8 month pg woman turned up on my doorstep and told me she'd been sleeping with him. Do you know what I said ?? "No, that can't be possible, he's much too jealous to be able to bring up another man's child"... Then she told me she'd been sleeping with him for the last 10 months. Yup - I was THAT stupid

This is turning into an essay. I don't know your past but you do elude to stuff in the past. I really would recommend counselling if you think it would help you move on and trust again.

Divorce is hellish - but it only lasts a couple of years at worst. The alternative is potentially being abused by this man for the rest of your life ...

FF, during May, things came to a head and we started with Relate Counselling. He was storing things up against me and attacking me with them and it was relentless. I was in a terrible state and he then threatened for the 100th time to leave, which he did, for about 3 hours and then came back. I couldn't believe he'd come back because he said he had a flat lined up. I told him that he couldn't keep threatening to leave and that this time he would have to get out and stay out, but he wouldn't listen and got nastier and nastier, threatening to kick me out of the house and keep his dd with him and take her away from me. The normal stuff, telling me that I wouldn't stand a chance because I'd had depression problems in the past.

He was very apologetic about it afterwards - he always is.