to be hurt and v angry with my husband for his "kind" offer?

[curlywurlywee]

My husband and I have had problems for a couple of years now culminating in nearly splitting up in May. He is a very difficult man to live with and has made my life hell on occasions over the years. As a result of these problems, I have not really wanted to have sex with him. The last time we did it was about 3 months ago and he has obviously been stewing on it because last night he dropped what for me was a bombshell. He kindly offered to go and have an affair so that he could get sex and this would do me a favour and let me off the hook. I have tried to explain to him that I need to build trust in him after what happened six months ago and that I needed time to get over it. Maybe this is wrong of me? I was deeply hurt by his suggestion, especially considering that my ex-husband was a serial adulterer. I expected him to be a bit sensitive to that. The end result is that I now seriously don't want to have sex with him. Don't know what to do. Am I being unreasonable or is he or both of us?

TillyScoutsMum I'm so sorry you had such a terrible time with your ex - what a git. I'm so scared. I understand all you say but feel freaked out about doing anything about it, although I'm a lot stronger than I was before. I am having counselling at mo and am trying to work stuff through from the past, maybe this will give me more strength. Like you, my first thought is that I have done something wrong and that I am not worthy. I'm better about this than I used to be but. It's all so easy when you say it but not so easy in practice to think about years down the line when it will be better if I'm on my own.

my father has the same hold over my mum, she has schizophrenia...

therefore the psychiatrist, thinks my mum is 'just' being paranoid and my father has gotten away with it. after years of verbal abuse and mind-games, she still says 'he's better to me now'. even after the police refused to come to the house anymore (concerned neighbours kept calling them).

me and my sister, were very concerned and upset when he sectioned her. and we weren't allowed to see the psychiatrist or have any contact with her support network - only him.

: (

some men are manipliative bastards and unfortunately, your hubby sounds the same.

get out while you can and stop making excuses for you to be happy.

casbie! how awful, is your mum still in an institute? have you seen her - sorry curly to highjack!

Curly, be strong girly and then stay strong. My DH tried the 'you'll never get the kids' line on me when i threatened to walk, so i walked (for a few days) with the kids and he hasn't tried that line since. Bullys gain strength from others weaknesses, so if you start to believe the shit he is feeding you, he will go from strength to strength. Break the cycle and good luck!

It makes sense that you are changing and starting to feel angry if you are having counselling. It sounds as though you are realising that you are worth more than this man is giving you.

I know its much easier to say than do (and there's no rush - get as strong as possible and get your head round things first) but when you are ready, get a decent solicitor and get rid of this man. He can threaten all he likes but you know he is not going to get your dd - regardless of depression.

Keep getting stronger. It is very scary but I'm sure you and your dc's would be better off in the long term. Its so corny and "psycho babble" but once you learn to love yourself, you will find someone who loves you and treats you how you deserve to be treated. Not some control freak who is trying to suck the life out of you.

No, Meely she is not institutionalised now.

She has gotten good support from her GP and now has a wide social circle that she didn't have before.

Still though when we ask about her relationship with our dad, it's "he's better to me now". And then i don't ask anymore. She looks after her mum in Holland and has two houses over here, so she doesn't see him as often. Maybe she finds him more bearable that way.

The thing is that he is corrupting her very kind and generous soul, and she comes out with hurtful and totally uncalled for comments (reminisant of my dad).

My sister and I have moved out long ago and he still is trying to be controlling. We have urged her to leave constantly for about 15 years, but he still manages to crawl back again.

Getting back to OP, you need to do this for yourself - find support from a women's refuge, i am sure you can find a phone number on the net.

If he a serious nutter, i would clear your computer history afterwards and use a public phone box to phone the refuge from. Some police stations have a women's officer and they too can help with getting contact with support organisations (particulary if violent).

hth's

Casbie, I'm so sorry you've had such an awful time with your dad - you must have gone through hell - your poor mum too.

I know it's ridiculous but I feel guilty for saying some of the things I've said and he's not a dangerous man as such, probably all talk. He's trying hard at the moment but for how long?