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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be hurt and v angry with my husband for his "kind" offer?

56 replies

curlywurlywee · 07/11/2007 12:51

My husband and I have had problems for a couple of years now culminating in nearly splitting up in May. He is a very difficult man to live with and has made my life hell on occasions over the years. As a result of these problems, I have not really wanted to have sex with him. The last time we did it was about 3 months ago and he has obviously been stewing on it because last night he dropped what for me was a bombshell. He kindly offered to go and have an affair so that he could get sex and this would do me a favour and let me off the hook. I have tried to explain to him that I need to build trust in him after what happened six months ago and that I needed time to get over it. Maybe this is wrong of me? I was deeply hurt by his suggestion, especially considering that my ex-husband was a serial adulterer. I expected him to be a bit sensitive to that. The end result is that I now seriously don't want to have sex with him. Don't know what to do. Am I being unreasonable or is he or both of us?

OP posts:
FioFio · 07/11/2007 12:52

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notjustmom · 07/11/2007 12:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
curlywurlywee · 07/11/2007 12:59

We did have back in May but maybe we need some more.

OP posts:
NAB3littlemonkeys · 07/11/2007 13:00

HE is being a complete dick. He wants everything his own way. Gets to have an affair, loads of sex and NO guilt as wifey has given her approval.

Do you want to stay in this marriage and try and make it work or do you want out?

Complete sympathy to you.

YANBU!

Doodledootoo · 07/11/2007 13:01

Message withdrawn

peskipixie · 07/11/2007 13:01

that just sounds like he is trying to manipulate you. if you say no its your fault he isnt getting it as he came up with a solution if you say yes he can do what he likes and you cant complain. chop his balls off, that would solve the problem.

Original poster
curlywurlywee · 07/11/2007 13:01

Think your right NJM. We need to talk about it. He has since apologised but it's still "out there" for me if you know what I mean. It felt like the final nail in the coffin.

OP posts:
FioFio · 07/11/2007 13:03

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Original poster
curlywurlywee · 07/11/2007 13:03

DDT I don't think I love him now. I think it's interesting that you ask whether I ever really loved him. Did I come across that way? I'd be really interested to hear what you say about that.

OP posts:
Original poster
curlywurlywee · 07/11/2007 13:05

FioFio you may have a point here but how do I get over the fact that he made such a hurtful suggestion?

OP posts:
zubb · 07/11/2007 13:08

was it his very inept and hurtful way of getting you talking about the problem? If it's been going on for a while and you haven't talked it through it may be in his mind he was trying to come up with a way to show you he was not happy.
Doesn't excuse what he said though, but may give you both a reason to go to relate again.

Original poster
curlywurlywee · 07/11/2007 13:10

Good point Zubb. Why does it all have to revolve around sex. I can't sleep with someone I can't trust. Maybe the problem's mine.

OP posts:
zubb · 07/11/2007 13:14

It doesn't sound like the problem is you or him - it's you as a couple. You both look at it differently and that is where talking it through at relate would be useful.

notjustmom · 07/11/2007 13:15

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Doodledootoo · 07/11/2007 13:17

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Caroline1852 · 07/11/2007 13:22

I think using sex as a weapon in a relationship is wrong. You are both doing it. You with-holding sex and him offering to go elsewhere.
Do you have children?

VictorianSqualor · 07/11/2007 13:28

I agree with Caroline, on the witholding/going elsewhere front. Sex imho is a syptom of a good relationship (I mean sex In a relationship, not sex purely for sex like back when I was young!)

No sex is a symptom of a problem in a relationship, as is many times, adultry.

The fact that you are not having sex means you still have problems, are you not 'giving him' it because it is a form of revenge and you still haven't forgiven him???

As for his suggestion, it's ridiculous, bound to be painful, but might not be exactly as it seems, he may just be trying to shock you into having sex with him iyswim, which is still wrong, but hopefully less painful for you.

You need to have a long hard think about whether you want to be in this relationship at all, if you do, then you need to work hard on having sex again, not just jumping into bed, but finding a way he can make you feel loved, special and sexy, so you are happy to sleep with him.

Maybe the length of time you havent had sex for is also an issue, hard to beleive but it can be just as nerve wracking after a long time with a long term partner as it can with a new one, or even your first time!

notjustmom · 07/11/2007 13:33

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

skeletonbones · 07/11/2007 13:38

If he makes your life hell at times and now is suggesting he goes off and has an affair as a 'solution' to your marital problems I would leave. I know its certainly not simple or easy but we only get one life, and it doesn't sound as if this is a bad patch in a generally good relationship if he's been 'making your life hell' for years, and you don't love him anymore.

BritTex · 07/11/2007 13:41

curly, this was my relationship 2 years ago, for me it was easy to hide from what was hurting me and to hide from exposing my feelings, but if you are in a relationship you have to express your feelings. do you get mad and voice your opinions or do you just "let it go" for a quiet life? if you want to make it work then you have to work at it. just giving it time to sort itself out wont work, you will just drift futher and further apart. In my opinon you have been given a lot of good advice here. get back to relate and be honest with yourself and your DH. i hate to say this but maybe your DH is so frustrated (he's a man - they do that) that he is resorting to shock tactics ??

Doodledootoo · 07/11/2007 14:42

Message withdrawn

beaniesteve · 07/11/2007 16:17

If you don't love him, leave him. Or tell him to leave. Or persue other 'interests' yourself.

tell him from now you are separated, have it put in writing, get a solicitor involved.

that's what I would do.

Lulumama · 07/11/2007 16:19

wow,what a charmer ! he is so magnanimous, volunteering to have an affair to save you the bother of having sex with him!??!

he sounds selfish, and totally without comprehension of anything outside his own needs

certainly you need 3rd party help here, mediation or relate, or just bin him !

wayneta · 07/11/2007 16:19

oh my god - get rid

VictorianSqualor · 07/11/2007 16:37

I really dont think it's fair for everyone to tell the OP to end her relationship because of a stupid comment her dh has made, yes, he was being an asshole, but he is probably hurting too. To a man, not having sex with his partner is often the biggest rejection.
I think the OP's ending question shows she knows that a relationship is a two way street and she should be given every encouragement to do what makes her happy, whether it be ending this relationship or really trying to work things out.