To really wish my parents hadn’t decided to make my middle name my given name

[abigbloodynuisance]

This has always annoyed me. Names are fictitious.

Name is Anna. Middle name Doris. Surname Donaldson.

Parents realise Doris Anna Donaldson spells DAD and think it’s funny so decide to go with that. But I’ve only ever been known as Anna. However, passport, driving licence, etc, are all Doris Anna.

It’s caused so many problems in big and small ways and mostly it’s just embarrassing having to explain myself. (It doesn’t help that my actual name is foreign so I always have to spell it anyway!)

I know I’ll get people who haven’t RTFP telling me to change it but since my line of work requires me to state any name changes it looks a bit peculiar and looks like I used to be called Doris and decided myself to be Anna and I didn’t!

So AIBU for being a bit fucked off about this? Note ‘a bit.’ I haven’t been stewing on it for forty odd years but it does annoy me a bit.

@abigbloodynuisance

I promise I don’t really want the next ten pages to be get it changed you hysterical woman. I’d people don’t mind. As tbh I’m having a shitty day as it is. Ty.

Again, you are the only one using the word hysterical here.

@abigbloodynuisance

But why would I be annoyed about that aunt?

It’s your weight, not mine. Just like it’s my name. We are both free to feel how we feel about it.

Just as others are free to feel frustrated/incredulous that you have decided to live with something that bothers you on a daily basis rather than acting once to resolve the issue.

Why do people feel like that when it's your problem and not theirs? Because you have taken the time to outline the situation and how it makes you feel, and people are sympathising with you and offering their opinions.

For ‘known by any other names’ I would have to tick yes and state I had been known as doris Anna (which isn’t strictly speaking true and that in itself annoys me!) but I am now Anna Doris.

But why is that a problem? It's one minute's work, no-one will care.

I would respectfully point out that is your issue aunt not mine.

I've read it all and would still say change it. Who cares if you have to declare it. You don't have to explain anything. I didn't like my first name so I switched to my middle name. Job done.

@abigbloodynuisance

I would respectfully point out that is your issue aunt not mine.

Sorry, I don't understand. What is my issue?

feel frustrated/incredulous that you have decided to live with something that bothers you on a daily basis rather than acting once to resolve the issue.

This is your issue that you feel frustrated and incredulous. You don’t know me. It isn’t important to you, or shouldn’t be.

Also, I came across adults myself as a child/teenager who point blank refused to use shortenings or nicknames and were quite vocal about it. I suspect this has partly contributed to the trend of people using shortened versions of names on birth certificates.

My given name is a shorter version of a very usual name. This was the 70s and giving children the short version as their given name was unusual.

Never in my entire life has it caused a problem. No one has ever called me by the longer version. Sometimes people will ask if my full name is ‘Kathrine’ or ‘Kathleen’ (not real names) to which I reply ‘neither, I’m just a Kath’.

No teacher, brownie leader, other adult has ever called me anything other than Kath.

You have my sympathy, my parents did this to me when I was born in 1964. It doesn’t bother me every day but I had to explain it to every new teacher in school, as a shy child that was something I could have done without. I have to be careful booking flights and once messed up. My GP has reversed my names on my records and hospital records are amended. No doubt that will cause an issue one day. It’s just a nuisance and I think it’s absolutely fine to have a mean about it. Our names are recorded so frequently now that officially changing would be quite a task. But I don’t have to like it and I wish they hadn’t done it

@Cornettoninja

Having been a leader at cubs I don't know why they would be bothered

But it’s not about them being bothered, it’s about the OP being bothered (bothered, not chewing her nails nervous over it).

If you’re not particularly assertive or socially unsure/awkward, as many children are, then it’s just something that colours your experience and stands out to you as an unnecessary conversation to initiate.

Plus it’s not even guaranteed to be successful, I’ve corrected people on my name and it’s not stuck in their heads for whatever reason. A child on the shyer side might not be comfortable with repeatedly correcting an adult. That’s understandable.

Well it is about them being bothered if the OP says there was all this sighing at her name. I worked with other leaders and no one would have sighed.

We do these voluntary things because we want to do something positive for children, making them feel uncomfortable isn't really what we aim to do.

I think at school or activities I have always found the teacher/leader asks what the child wants to be called as it is common not to use the name on the birth certificate, less common for it to be a different name but think of all the Kate/Katie/Beth/Lizzie/Jim/Matt/Mike etc the average teacher would come across.

@Cornettoninja, except it's not 'one bad day at the office,' it's a name that creates and will continue to create problems for her on a daily basis.

Yes, some people will step in with their own examples of troublesome names, creating conversation and helping OP to feel less alone.

Others will be more pragmatic, and be interested in probing the reasoning behind OP's decision to choose live with something she doesn't like.

I don't believe OP has been a victim of oppression at any point during this thread. I think it's wrong to suggest she has been.

I totally get where you're coming from OP. My parents gave me a long name then proceeded to only ever call me by the short version. Every year at school I would get called my full name and not respond because it just didn't feel like my name.

It's also annoying when I've had jobs which set up my email address using my full name etc leading to more people using it.

It's irritating but doesn't feel like it warrants a name change plus my parents did give me this name even if they chose not to use it.

It’s an old Celtic tradition to be called by your middle name, one which my family still observes. I’ve always enjoyed going by my middle name, it doesn’t come up very often as everyone just assumes that my given name is my first name, I only use my full name for paperwork etc. I actually really liked having a “secret” name as a child, and have carried on the tradition with my own children. I can see why some might find it annoying, but I do think you are being very dramatic!

@abigbloodynuisance

feel frustrated/incredulous that you have decided to live with something that bothers you on a daily basis rather than acting once to resolve the issue.

This is your issue that you feel frustrated and incredulous. You don’t know me. It isn’t important to you, or shouldn’t be.

I don't have that issue. I disagree with your interpretation of others' comments as examples of patriarchical oppression of women, rather than expressions of frustration that you are unwilling to proactively resolve something that clearly bothers you.

You may as well reply to every single comment on this thread with "you don't know me! it isn't important to you, or shouldn't be" if that's how you feel about people's responses

[quote greatauntfanny]@Cornettoninja, except it's not 'one bad day at the office,' it's a name that creates and will continue to create problems for her on a daily basis.

Yes, some people will step in with their own examples of troublesome names, creating conversation and helping OP to feel less alone.

Others will be more pragmatic, and be interested in probing the reasoning behind OP's decision to choose live with something she doesn't like.

I don't believe OP has been a victim of oppression at any point during this thread. I think it's wrong to suggest she has been.[/quote]
I agree it would be wrong to refer to OP as a victim but I absolutely see where the impression she’s being told she’s wrong for feeling a certain way and expressing it has come from. Again, Whether that’s down to her being a woman or other social reasons I couldn’t say.

Her name doesn’t create a problem on a daily basis, where did you get that from? It pops up enough for it to be a regular annoyance but not a daily thing. That’s your own addition from what I can see.

In certain careers changing your name isn’t enough to eradicate the annoyance of it anyway since it will crop up enough that you have to declare the change and provide evidence you may as well of not bothered.

@ancientgran no one is talking about your club specifically. It sounds fab, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t other experiences under the same brand (especially from years ago). It’s not a personal attack on anyone.

I've known quite a few people with this, usually because they've inherited some god awful family name.

We only found out the name of a very elderly aunt at her funeral. Up until they were sorting her death certificate etc. even her own children weren't aware of the registered version of the name she went by.

I attended Catholic school. In a class of 30, I think there were 16 who were named Mary - only 2 used the name and we'd always known the other 14 by their second name (which we didn't know until they were reading out our 'registered' names for our exams).

@abigbloodynuisance, are you me?

My name is something like Wendy Angyalka WÓJCIK, and I've never been called Wendy. Everyone calls my Angie apart from my parents.

Just why did they do it?

My Mum - only ever known by her middle name accept on official occasions

My Nan - known by a shortened version on her name, I didn’t realise it was a shortened version till I was a teenager.

My Aunts x 3 all known by their middle or even random versions of their real names. I always thought my Aunty Cathy’s real name was Kathleen as my mum and other relatives sometime referred to her as this. It was only when I tried finding her obituary I found out her real name was Catherine.

My grandad - different side of the family went by a name he preferred, even on his headstone it’s his preferred name, I had no idea, neither did my dad. It was only through ancestry I managed to finally find my grandparents marriage registration I found out I’d always known him as the wrong name. Even his marriage certificate was a shortened version of his real name.

FIL - has 2 names, because he has a cousin with the same first name his family have always used his middle name, again it’s only official reasons he’s referred by his real name. Yet I was introduced to him by a different name, his spouse calls him by the full version of the name I know, think Ron, his spouse calls him Ronald, yet his name isn’t fucking Ron or Ronald it’s a silly inside joke nick name his kids gave him when they were younger. But everyone calls it him.

Myself and several of my cousins are all referred to by nicknames/random versions that could possibly be associated with our real names. Even at work we are referred to by these names.

It’s really not a big deal it happens all the time.

I don't get why you can't swap your names round either. That's all you're doing.

Unless you work for M15 or M16 - and even then I can't really see the issue.

As for parents hating you, my MIL always wondered why they had called her a rather horrible diminutive of a much nicer longer name. And so, apparently, did other people, as they would address official letters to the longer name, assuming that was her name. She's 92 now, perhaps she should have changed it years back rather than putting up with it.

I have the same problem, Doris and it's bloody annoying

@abigbloodynuisance

I’m not generally prone to being dramatic, tbh. I think names are a sensitive point for me as I’ve spent my life explaining firstly the middle / first name confusion then being called a variant of my actual name - like calling a Laura Lauren or a Sophie Sophia. Only mines more unusual. To the point where I have given up and let people call me what they want! I suppose it’s because your name is or can be part of your identity or definitely when it’s unusual. People constantly calling you something else grates.

I was in the exact same situation as you but I honestly don't understand why you don't want to change your name via deed poll.

For me I'm of Nigerian descent. My parents gave me a British first name (as at the time that's what you did) and a Nigerian middle name but ALWAYS called me by my middle name so therefore my name on school registers, college and university degrees was my Nigerian middle name but my passport and driving license for example was this British name that I've never gone by.

It made things SO difficult when I went into the workforce as I constantly had to explain why my degree and job application was in one name but when I'd send my official docs in for onboarding they were in a different name.

Even little things like missing the post. Obviously I'd order items in the name I go by (middle name) but If I ever missed post and had to go to the sorting office and they asked for ID for me to collect the package they'd query why my first name was different.

It was extremely extremely annoying so as soon as I got married I changed my name by deed poll because I was having to change my surname anyway so made sense to do both changes at once.

It is far less hassle to put on a form every now and again 'previously known as names' than it is to deal with the mismatched middle /first name issue. Plus because I moved to a married name even if I kept the same order I STILL will have to list my maiden name as a previously held name so there's no difference in effort.

If it bugs you honestly deed poll is the best solution

@abigbloodynuisance

It’s the explanations soup

It’s a simpler explanation that I had an irritating dad than that I changed my own name. Because then the assumption is I was once called Doris.

Occasionally, when filling out a form that asks about previous names (how often does this happen to you?): I was always known by my middle name so I legally changed them round

Literally every time your full name is required: I actually go by my middle name, Anna

Both seem equally simple but the first is less frequent! And why would it matter if people think you used to be called Doris so long as you’re not called Doris now?

@abigbloodynuisance

I think it’s because changing a first name (even though I’m not really) is not very common and does look as if I’m trying to hide something. People can be all they want, but it’s a personal thing. You have to do what you’re comfortable with, at the end of the day.

Your poor FIL raspberry

I've written a post earlier about my experiences doing exactly this but can I say it really doesn't have any impact whatsoever. That's the same as saying applying for something in your middle name (that you go by) and then sending in docs in your actual first name also looks a bit 'off' and they could wonder what you're trying to hide. Both are circumstances that may need a degree of explanation.

Honestly no one really cares though. Beyond applying for a new job (which how often do you do that) or filling out a form for a loan which requires a financial history there are very few forms where they ask for previously known names. Even in the latter example the data is run through a credit check system /bot for the information. It's not going to a specific person sitting behind a desk looking at the name change wondering what you're trying to hide.

It really has zero to no impact whatsoever other than that you'll be happier that all your names are now consistent across everything